Little Hollow
by Miss Fenway
Summary: "Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens." - J.R.R. Tolkien. The boys learn the true strength of their friendship. NO SLASH!
1. Friends

**A/N. Hey y'all! So, this is my first 'Big Time Rush' fic. I have several fics that still need to be finished but the cursed plot bunny won't leave me alone. So, here I am starting yet another fic. LOL. The good news is, I'm done school for the summer so I can write WHATEVER I want. No more essays and research papers for this girl! Before I get down to business I think it's only fair to warn you that I have FCMD (favorite character mutilation disorder) and my favorite character on 'BTR' is. . . Logan. Yeah. Enjoy! Oh, and I don't own anything.**

"I'm hungry!" Carlos moaned.

"You're always hungry." James said grinning. He playfully smacked his best friend's hockey helmet. "We just ate, doofus."

"But I'm _still_ hungry!" Carlos straightened his hockey helmet and scowled at James.

"He needs his second breakfast." Logan muttered.

James, Carlos, and Kendall, the leader of their emerging boy band known as Big Time Rush, all turned to look at Logan. "Huh?" They asked simultaneously.

Logan laughed. "Second breakfast." He held up a well worn copy of _'The Fellowship of the Ring'_.

"I'm not a Hobbit though!" Carlos protested. "I'm not short."

"Some Hobbits aren't that short." Logan informed him. "The tallest Hobbit on record was 4' 5". His name was-"

"Why are you reading that anyway?" Kendall interrupted. "Haven't you already read it like, twenty times?"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Don't be ridiculous, Kendall." He paused. "Seven times." Before his friends could say anything he went on. "Books are for rereading and movies are for rewatching. I do it all the time. Besides, Tolkien was a genius."

"Yeah, well I saw the movies." James said focusing his attention back on the TV in front of him.

"How do you read in the car anyway? I'd get sick." Carlos asked Logan curiously.

Logan smirked. "Carlos, you get sick when you have to read anywhere." He smacked Carlos gently on the head.

"Ow!" What is this, Pick On Carlos Day?" Carlos grinned goodnaturedly. "You're right about me and reading though, Logan. I don't know how you stand it."

"And I don't know how you don't like reading." Logan shook his head.

"That's why you're the genius, Logan." Kendall told him. "You're alone with the whole reading thing. I'd rather just see the movie."

"The movie doesn't cover half of what the books do though." Logan argued. "You're all missing so much!" He waved the book pointedly above his head.

"Yeah well, you can fill us in then." James told him. He pulled out a comb from his jeans pocket and ran it through his light brown hair. He let his head thump against the back of the seat. "I hate riding in the car. When are we going to be back at Palm Springs?"

Logan checked his wrist watch. "In about. . . an hour and a half." When the other boys groaned he added, "Hey, at least we made a good impression on the big wigs. Gustavo said the record company was pretty pleased with our session."

At this, James scowled. "Pretty good isn't enough though, Logan. You have to be better than "pretty good" if you want to make it anywhere in Hollywood."

"Hey, don't worry about it, James." Kendall cut in. "We're recording our first CD. That means they think we're worth their time."

"I just wish we didn't have to drive so far. I mean, two hours? What's wrong with the studio back home?" Carlos complained.

"The recording studio at Gulf Records is way superior to the one at Palm Springs." Logan reminded Carlos. "And we only have to drive up there three times a week."

"Yeah, well I think we spend more time in the car than we spend actually singing." Carlos rolled down his window and stuck his head out. "I mean, why can't we stay there until the recording is finished? Then we wouldn't have to drive back and forth so much."

"Because we're not _that_ important to the recording company." Logan said sensibly. "Yet." He added when he saw James frown.

The four best friends had recently moved from Minnesota to California in hopes of making it big. Of their small band, James was the one who wanted it the most. He hated it when anyone, friend or foe, made any kind of reference that reminded him that he had yet to recognize his dream of becoming a star.

Kendall Knight loved to sing. And singing with his friends made it even better. He loved living in warm, sunny California and on occasion being recognized by a handful of people. But his first dream was to play hockey. That was what the four of them had done before this whole crazy ride had started. Fortunately, there was an indoor rink nearby the Palm Springs hotel where they stayed. He didn't have a clue what would happen to the band in the next year or so and he continued to practice as often as he could.

Since the boys were all still minors, Kendall's mom and little sister Katie had come to live with them. Kendall's parents had gotten divorced when he was eleven but his father still called once a week and kept in close contact with his children.

Kendall was the unspoken leader of the group. Although their manger had chosen his to be the lead singer, he also made most of the non-band related decisions. He also had a gift for getting the foursome out of trouble which James and Carlos frequently got them into in the first place.

James Diamond was the dreamer of the group. For as long as he could remember, he had wanted to be a star. With his good looks and good singing voice, he knew he had the talent. All he needed was a chance. It had finally arrived though not nearly as he had ever imagined. His three friends had been thrown into the mix as well. Looking back on it, James couldn't imagine being in Hollywood without his best buddies.

He was an only child so at first it was hard for his parents to let him go. But they kept in close contact. His mother called him every day and his father, lacking the female emotions, still made sure that he talked to his son at least once a week. They were loving and supportive parents and were proud and thrilled for their son's opportunity.

Carlos was the comedian of the group. He was always cracking jokes and having a good time. He didn't have any major ambitions in life but to enjoy the present. At first a stranger might think he couldn't ever be serious but in actuality, Carlos was sensitive and kind of another feelings.

He came from a fairly large family. The Garcia family was close and affectionate so his parents and five little sisters faithfully visited once a month to see their son and brother.

Logan Mitchell often jokingly said that he needed new friends. Really, he could not be more different than the others. Where Kendall was a leader, Logan preferred to stay in the background. Where James was a dreamer, Logan was grounded. Where Carlos was a fun-loving joker, Logan was practical in every sense of the word. He took his studying habits seriously to the point where his friends teased his about it sometimes. He was loyal to a fault, and would never let his friends get into a scrape with out him.

His mother had died when he was six years old. His father, once a loving, involved father had been shattered by his beloved wife's death and had become distant over the past eleven years. He rarely called Logan and when he did, the conversations were short. Logan missed his mother but he also missed his father who, though alive, seemed like a ghost to his son.

The four boys had been friends for eight years now. They had met on a frozen pond one day while skating because hey, everyone in Minnesota knows how to skate. Inseparable since that day, Katie often called them _'The Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants' _even though they insisted that she couldn't do this because they did not share a pair of pants.

"I wonder when our first concert will be." James said dreamily. He stared out the window with that glazed look on his face that the boys had come to recognize as his day dream, or fantasy, face.

"Whoa there, James." Logan cautioned his friend. "Don't get ahead of yourself. We need a CD yet."

"Yeah, and this one's going to take us a month." Carlos groaned.

"It'll all be worth it." James said with a serious expression on his face. Seriousness and James was a rare combination so the boys had to work to keep straight faces. They all knew how badly he wanted this.

"We'll make it." Logan assured him.

**Ta-da! What did you all think? Please review and tell me the good and the bad. Speculations are also welcome. Oh, and the pace will pick up soon. I didn't want to start the angst right off the bat. I'll give you a little time to enjoy the peace and quiet. Peace! P.S. The title of this story is because of Logan's name meaning. I did some research and it means "little hollow". LOL. So cute, just like Logan!**


	2. Asleep

**Hello there! I'm back already! Wow, this reminds me of the good old days when I didn't have a job or college. Cue dramatic sigh. Anyway, thank you to tyleetty, Hikari of Death, and Igettvgeeks for your reviews. You guys are the best! Love you! Ahem. On with chapter two. I don't own anything.**

"Home sweet home." Carlos was the first through the doorway when they finally arrived back at Palm Springs. He immediately dropped his small duffel bag on the floor and fell dramatically across the large couch.

"Ouch!" Logan stumbled over Carlos' bag. He steadied himself and picked up the bag, tossing it at Carlos who was already half asleep. "I know it's too much trouble to ask you to clean up after yourself, but do you think you could at least stop leaving your stiff in the middle of the floor for everyone to trip over?"

"No." Carlos grinned and Logan tackled him to the floor. James and Kendall walked in and joined in the fight.

"I like it when you're gone." Katie strolled into the room and rolled her eyes at her older brother and his friends. "It's so quiet."

"Katie,be nice." Mrs. Knight absentmindedly admonished her daughter. "You have to admit that there's never a dull moment." She smiled fondly at the four boys. The past few months since they had moved into Palm Springs had certainty never been very quiet but she wouldn't trade it for the world. She was a motherly woman and made sure that all four boys, not just Kendall, were happy. "Did you boys have fun?" She raised her voice slightly to be heard above the noise.

At her question, the boys broke apart and settled into the comfort of the couch. "Yeah, it was pretty fun." Kendall answered. "A lot of hard work." The other three nodded in agreement.

"How long do you have until the CD is ready?" Mrs. Knight poured glasses of lemonade for the boys and sat down to listen.

"A month at the most." Logan told her. He took a drink from his glass and stared at Mrs. Knight over the rim. The time they had lived at Palm Springs had been the best time of his life since before his mother died. He had forgotten what it was like to have an adult ask him about his day and really, really listen. His father had buried himself in his lawyer work and never had any time for his son. Mrs. Knight caught his eyes and gave him a warm smile. He blushed a smiled shyly in return. "The producers really like how we're coming along." He added as he fumbled with the table coaster. He set his drink down on it and went on. "Even Gustavo said that we've improved a lot over the past month."

"Really?" Mrs. Knight's eyebrows shot up. "Gustavo said that? He must have been in a good mood." She knew that the boys' manager, Gustavo Rocque was an overbearing, somewhat outrageous man who was even more obsessed than James with making it in Hollywood.

"It might have helped that Griffin complimented him first." Logan confessed. Arthur Griffin was Gustavo's boss. He was an uptight man who was even harder to impress than his employee. The boys disliked Griffin for his cold, uncaring attitude towards Gustavo, his assistant Kelly, and themselves. Logan, who always tried to find the good in people, officially labeled Griffin as a snob the first day they met him to the great delight of his friends.

"Wow, Griffin was impressed. That's even better." Katie scowled at the mere thought of the man. "I didn't think that was possible."

"Yeah, he must have taken hi happy pills this morning." Carlos cracked up at his own joke. "Get it? Happy pills?"

"No sugar for him today." Logan told Mrs. Knight. He's been like this ever since we got in the van to come back. I think all these thoughts about fame and fortune are starting to get to him." He nodded and skillfully ducked a pillow, halfheartedly thrown by Carlos.

"Well, I'm glad you all had a good time and that you're home safe." Mrs. Knight smiled. "What do you say to pizza for dinner?" She smiled again at the boys' and Katie's enthusiastic replies and stood up. "All right, sounds good. The usual?" When they started placing their orders she held up a hand. "I know what you all like, I've ordered it enough in the past few months. Kendall and James like sausage, Carlos likes extra cheese and pepperoni, Logan likes veggie, and Katie and I like plain old cheese. I'll be back."

"You mom's good." Carlos told Kendall. "I could never remember all those different kinds." He elbowed Logan. "I still don't get how you like veggie pizza, Logan." He made a face. "I mean, mushrooms? It's like eating fungus."

"Yummy. I like fungus." Logan returned.

"That's gross, man." James wrinkled his nose.

"Hey, I happen to think sausage and pepperoni is pretty gross too so I guess we're even." Logan picked up the TV remote. "Anyway, boys I think we got home just in time." He grinned and turned the TV on. Flipping through channels he soon came to a hockey game. "Yes."

"Dude, we have to go to the rink tomorrow. Do you all realize how long it's been?" Kendall shook his head. "Way too long my friends."

"One week and three days to be exact." Logan said, not taking his eyes off the screen.

"Logan, what would we do without you?" James asked grinning.

"Hm, let's see." Logan frowned and pretended to think really hard. "Fail school, get kicked out of Palm Springs, get in even more trouble than you already do, need I go on?"

"Aw, come on it wouldn't be that bad." James protested.

"You seriously think that?" Logan laughed. "I'm the only one who ever thinks before he acts in this group."

"And yet, you still go along with us." Carlos shook his head. "How smart is that?"

"Probably not too smart." Logan admitted. "But it'd be pretty boring if I didn't let you guys talk me into everything."

"Got that right." Carlos and James said at the same time.

"Anyway," Kendall cut it. "We're not recording tomorrow so let's head over to the rink at some time. I'm going to forget how to skate soon."

"Yeah right. You're a natural, Kendall." James messed up Kendall's hair then ducked when he tried to return the favor. "Dude, don't touch the hair!" He protested. The others laughed at him and pretended to attack from all sides.

"Okay, pizzas here!" Mrs. Knight broke in. Immediately, the boys forgot what they were doing and dove into their favorite food.

"This is the best pizza I've ever had!" Carlos proclaimed halfway through his second piece.

"You say that all the time we get pizza." Kendall said rolling his eyes.

"That's 'cause every time we get pizza, it just gets better and better!" Carlos caught a stringy piece of cheese and wound it around his finger. "Oh, man. This is so good!"

"That's disgusting!" Katie protested. "Don't you have any manners?"

"Nope." Carlos said cheerfully, his mouth full of pizza.

"Well," Mrs. Knight interjected. "I for one will be glad when you're done your recording. I don't think you boys are getting enough sleep. Especially you, Logan. You look exhausted. Are you feeling all right?"

Logan squirmed under the sudden scrutiny of everyone in the room. "I'm fine." He mumbled. "I mean, I'm a little tired. We've been working pretty hard."

Mrs. Knight pursed her lips. "Maybe we should ask Gustavo to get Griffin to give you boys some time off."

James' eyes widened in alarm. "But we're in the middle of recording a CD! We can't take a break now! This is the first important moment for us as a band."

"I know that, James." Mrs. Knight broke in. "But you have a pretty rigorous schedule. You have your school work, your practice sessions, and now driving two hours three days a week back and forth to record a CD for a few hours?" She shook her head. "I just don't want any of you to get sick."

"We're fine." Logan assured her. "I'm fine, really. I mean, our schedules are going to get even more complicated once we start touring. We just have to adjust. And school's going to let out in two weeks so that won't be a problem for a few months. It'll be fine."

Mrs. Knight frowned. "Well, I suppose you're right, Logan. But I still want you to go to bed at a decent time tonight. You're getting dark circles under your eyes."

"Dark circles don't look too good." James self-consciously pulled his comb out and ran it through his hair. He stared at his own reflection in a mirror hanging on the wall. He looked back at Logan and grinned. "You're looking kinda pale too. Kinda like a vampire. Oh, Edward!" He mimicked in a high-pitched voice.

Logan rolled his eyes. "Please. I'd rather be compared to anything else."

"Aw, Logan don't say that! You'd make such a cute vampire!" Kendall teased.

Logan tossed a pillow at Kendall. "Gee, thanks. I'm flattered." He said dryly.

"James is right though, Logan." Mrs. Knight interrupted their banter again. "You do look pale." She put a gently hand on Logan's forehead. "You don't feel warm though." She looked hard at him. "Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

"Positive." Logan said honestly. "I'm just tired. It's mostly all the school work I have though and like I said, that won't be a problem soon."

Mrs. Knight sighed. "Well, okay then. If you're sure." At Logan's nod she stood up and began to clear away the pizza mess. "But if you start feeling sick, make sure you tell me and I'll take you to a doctor."

Logan flinched at the gentle threat. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Good." Mrs. Knight nodded. "Why don't you boys do something relaxing tonight. I know you have tomorrow off so you'll probably go to the hockey rink as soon as you can." She smiled at the four nods. "All right then." She left for the kitchen to wash the dishes.

"Gosh, Logan." James gave the other boy a playful shove. "Way to get us sent to bed early."

Logan shoved him back. "I didn't get us sent to bed early. Kendall's mom just wants us to relax. You know, stay in our room and watch hockey instead of getting into trouble. I think it's a pretty good idea."

"I agree with Logan." Kendall said, leaning back into the couch as he did so. "Watching a hockey game is never a bad idea."

James and Carlos nodded and the four boys settled back to watch the game. It was between the San Jose Sharks and the Minnesota Wild. Though they lived in California now, the boys still cheered for their original hometown team on a daily basis. With the playoffs approaching, they eagerly paid attention to every single game.

However, tonight the game was only mid-way through the second period when Logan fell fast asleep with his head resting on Kendall's shoulder.

"Dude, Logan's asleep." Kendall whispered. He shifted carefully not wanting to wake Logan up.

"Aw, how cute!" Carlos exclaimed softly in a teasing tone.

James frowned. "Do you guys think Logan's getting sick?" He asked.

Kendall started to shrug then thought better of it. "Maybe.

James smothered a groan. "Oh man, of all the times for Logan to get sick!" He nervously ran a hand through his hair. "Maybe he's just tired." He added hopefully. "We have been really busy lately." He glanced over at Logan. "What if it's a bad cold and he loses his voice?"

"Then we'll figure something out." Carlos said, for once being sensible. "Logan can't sing without his voice and we can't sing without Logan."

"Wow, Carlos." Kendall laughed. "That was some pretty impressive logic you just used on James.

Carlos smiled broadly. "Thanks, Kendall. I've been practicing. Logan's been teaching me."

"All right, Mr. Spock." James said sarcastically. "I get you." He sighed then. "I've just. . . been waiting for this for a long time. We're almost there."

"So it won't hurt to wait a little while longer." Carlos said. "Besides, maybe this is nothing." He added nodding toward Logan. "He said he's just tired."

"Listen to Spock." Kendall joked. "He's making a lot of sense tonight."

Logan suddenly stirred and opened his eyes.

"Hey, guys." Carlos laughed. "Look who finally woke up. Sleeping Beauty."

"James is Sleeping Beauty." Logan returned. He yawned and sat up, blinking in confusion. "Did I fall asleep?"

"Yeah, on Kendall's shoulder." Carlos told him. "You looked really cute."

Logan's face turned slightly red. "Sorry, Kendall." He muttered. "You could have woken me up, you know."

"No big deal." Kendall shrugged. "Ignore Carlos and James." He looked at Logan who was yawning again. "Are you okay though? You've never just fallen asleep like that. Maybe you are getting sick."

"No." Logan said quickly with a glance at James. The other boy had stiffened slightly at Kendall's suggestion. "I'm just tired, really." He laughed. "How many times do I have to say that tonight?"

Kendall shrugged. "Well, okay then."

"How much did I miss of the game?" Logan asked, eager to change the subject.

"The third period just started." James told him. "The Sharks are winning 3-1."

Logan made a face. "Well," He glanced at the clock. "I'm going to bed."

His friends stared at him. "Bed?" Carlos repeated in disbelief. "It's only a little after 10:00. And the game's not over yet. The Wild could come back easily and you'd miss it all."

Logan shrugged. "Yeah well, maybe they won't come back and I'll be going to bed late for no reason at all."

"Okay." Kendall said slowly.

"You probably should." James said nodding. "You look like you need sleep and you don't want to get sick now."

Logan rolled his eyes. "No, I guess I don't." He yawned again. "See you guys tomorrow." He headed off to the bedroom.

"Night, Logan." The others called.

"Man, that's so weird." Kendall muttered. "Logan never goes to bed this early. I guess he should though."

"He's tired." Carlos empathized the word. "Tired people sleep."

Kendall turned to look at him. "Gosh, Carlos." He teased. "All this logic you're using is starting to freak me out."

James laughed. "Yeah, who are you and what did you do with the real Carlos?"

Carlos raised his eyebrows. "I'll never tell." He gave a fake evil laugh. "You three are stuck with me."

Before James and Carlos could start wrestling, Kendall broke in. "Hey, you guys, look!" He said excitedly. "It's tied!"

"How in the world did we miss two goals?" James wondered.

"Probably when I was blowing you away with my amazing logic." Carlos said dramatically. "But hey, that's cool. At least they're not losing anymore. Now the game is anyone's."

"Too bad Logan's missing this." Kendall shook his head. "He'll probably wish he stayed up if they end up winning."

"Next time he'll stay up." James kept his eyes focused on the TV screen.

"Yup." Carlos nodded in agreement.

At the end of the game, the Wild had won in a shoot-out 5-4. The boys discussed the game in bed, quietly for Logan's sake. It was difficult to restrain their excitement though.

"Man, that was the coolest non-playoff game that I've ever seen!" Kendall whispered loudly.

"Incredible." Carlos sighed.

"Awesome." James said in agreement.

"Logan is definitely going to wish he stayed up." Kendall shook his head in the dark room. "Unbelievable."

"Yeah, but then he'd be getting to bed late." James said. "It's after midnight. He needs to go to bed early so he doesn't get sick."

"Gosh, James. Stop obsessing over Logan being sick. If he gets sick then he gets sick. We'll wait until he gets better and then we'll move on." Kendall reasoned with his friend.

"I know." James sighed.

"You waited over ten years, you can wait a couple extra weeks." Logical Carlos added.

"I know." James repeated. "I don't want Logan to get sick anyway. We need him."

**A/N. Wow, I had no idea that this chapter was going to end up so long! It's almost twice as long as the first one! Well I hope you liked it. Review if you did. Reviews make me happy. Oh, and speculations are welcome as always! Peace!**


	3. Hockey

**A/N. Hi, again! I'm writing as much as I can during my free time so I won't fall of the face of Fan Fiction Earth again. Thanks to all who reviewed. I hope you're enjoying it. I think 'Big Time Rush' is going to be my summer fling so this won't be the only fic I'm going to write! I hope that you like me because I might be around for a while. Anyway, let's get on with chapter three. I don't own anything!**

"Boys! Wake up, Katie and I made pancakes!"

Kendall groaned and opened his eyes enough to see his bedside alarm clock. Some might consider 10:00 in the morning to late but when you've gone to bed after midnight the night before it can seem pretty early. Still, the delicious scent of pancakes coming from the kitchen and the thought of playing hockey later in the day was enough to get Kendall out of bed.

On his way to the bathroom he met Carlos. The other boy's hair was plastered to his head. "Katie dumped water on me." He muttered to Kendall.

Kendall hid a smirk and beat his friend to the bathroom. Katie frequently dumped cold water on the boys' heads when they didn't get up right away. He could just picture her soaking Carlos and telling him sternly that she had spent all morning making pancakes for him. "Like she actually helped." He murmured to himself as he pulled on a clean shirt.

Soon all three boys were sitting at the table in eager anticipation. Mrs. Knight claimed to have a secret recipe for pancakes. Whether that was true or not, she did make the best the boys had ever had. She smiled as she served up heaping platefuls to the four of them. "Bon appetit!" She said cheerfully.

"What does that mean anyway?" Carlos asked as he reached for the syrup.

"It mean, 'Enjoy your meal'." Logan said told him.

Mrs. Knight smiled. "You look so much better today, Logan. Did you get a good night's rest?" She was pleased to see that the color had returned to his face and that the dark circles were less pronounced.

Logan nodded. "Yeah, thanks. I went to bed pretty early."

"Dude, you missed the most amazing hockey game ever!" James exploded.

"Most exciting _non-playoff_ hockey game ever." Kendall corrected automatically.

"Whatever." James said, ignoring him. "The Wild came back from down two goals to win in a shoot-out! It was insane!" He emphasized his words by vigorously cutting his pancakes and jamming a piece in his mouth.

Logan shrugged. "It's hard to be excited about something when you can barely keep your eyes open. There will be other exciting games." He grinned. "Especially once the playoffs start."

"Dude, as long as you're okay with it." Kendall shook his head. "Man, I would have hated to miss it."

Katie rolled her eyes. "Can we please talk about something else besides hockey?" She begged. "I mean, just this one time?"

"Sure." James said, grinning mischievously. "Let's talk about Big Time Rush." He laughed when Katie groaned and let her head thump on the table. "Okay, fine. Wanna talk about my incredible sense of fashion?" At this, he received eye rolls from everyone.

"We could talk about your big head." Logan suggested with a straight face. "James, when we're old and you die, can I have permission to examine your brain? Just think, you could actually led a helping hand in the name of science." He made a dramatic, sweeping hand gesture. "The study of egotisticalism!"

"I don't even know what that mean!" James protested, looking confused.

"That's what dictionaries are for." Logan returned. "Look it up."

"But I don't even know how it's spelled." James said. "Guys," He looked around the kitchen. "Does anyone know what it means?" He was met with blank stares. "Aw, come on, Logan!" He pleaded. "It's not fair when you use big words that no one knows what they mean."

"How is it not fair?" Logan asked, laughing. "Maybe if you studied for once you'd learn a few things."

"All right then!" Kendall finally broke in. "As much fun as you two seem to be having, I want to play some hockey. What do you say?" He stood up and walked his dish over to the dishwasher.

"Hockey!" The three boys chorused. They leaped from their chairs and followed Kendall's motions, hurriedly putting their plates in the dishwasher, thanking Mrs. Knight, and rushing to their rooms to gather their hockey stuff.

"Do you boys want a ride?" Mrs. Knight called from the kitchen.

"No thanks, Mom." Kendall yelled back. "We'll walk." He bounded out of his room, his sports back over his shoulder.

"Okay, if you're sure. Call me if you want to be picked up though." Mrs. Knight ran the pancake skillet under hot water as she spoke.

"Come on, guys!" Kendall called, bouncing impatiently.

"Hold your horses!" Carlos and James strolled into the hallway. "The hockey rink isn't going anywhere."

"Where's Logan?" Kendall sighed.

"I'm. . . coming." Logan finally appeared walking very slowly. "I can't. . . move very fast. Stuck. . . in. . . slow. . . motion."

"Logan, you don't hurry up, I'll tell Camille that you have a girlfriend back in Minnesota." Kendall threatened.

"Liar." Logan said. "But hey, guess what? I'm back to normal!" He grinned and jogged past the other boys. "See you, Mrs. Knight! Bye, Katie!"

"He drives me almost as crazy as you guys do sometimes." Kendall muttered as he followed Logan out the door. "Bye, Mom and Katie!"

Calling out their goodbyes as well, James and Carlos followed Kendall, smothering their laughter.

The hockey rink was about a fifteen minute walk from Palm Springs. They boys reached it in no time despite their heavy bags. Soon they were out on the ice. To their delight, the rink was completely empty.

"Wait til after school." Logan said, lacing his skates. "The ice skaters come before and the hockey players come after."

"I could never get up as early as those ice skaters do." James made a face. "They're crazy!" He followed Logan onto the ice.

"You'd get up early if you had to for this whole band thing." Kendall told him. "It just depends what you're dedicated to." He pushed Carlos onto the ice and eased onto it himself. "Man, this is great." He sighed. "I feel like it's been forever."

"Well?" Carlos returned Kendall's shove. "Are we playing a game or are we getting all sentimental over our hopes and dreams?"

"Carlos and Logan against me and James." Kendall spun around to face his friends. "First team to ten goals wins."

"You're on." Carlos said. "Ready to lose, Knight? How about you, Diamond? Your pretty looks won't help you here."

"Neither will Logan's brain." James teased. "I think we're pretty evenly matched."

"Let's go." Logan said, shoving both of them toward the center of the rink. "You have to do more than trash talk when you're playing hockey."

"They also need to learn _how _to trash talk." Kendall smirked.

"Don't get them started." Logan shook his head. "I hate to remind you guys but it's a little after 11:00 and we have a practice session with Gustavo at 1:30. And you know he doesn't like it when we show up sweaty. Plus, we also need time for lunch."

"We know, we know." James rolled his eyes and grinned. "But hey, when he's right, he's right."

"Which is most of the time." Logan put in.

"Yeah." Kendall nodded eager to end the banter and play hockey. "You guys want to maybe start now?"

Hockey is a fairly low-scoring game. Especially if one compares it to the average football, basketball, or baseball game. But when four friends play two-on-two until one team gets ten goals, the games are usually pretty quick. This game was no exception as Kendall and James won 10-7. They played another game this time with Carlos and Logan winning by a close 10-9.

"Do we have time for one more game, O Keeper of Time?" Kendall breathlessly asked Logan. At his nod, he grinned. Let's go."

It was the quickest game of the three. Kendall and James won easily 10-4. Logan, who had seemed fine when the day started, had clearly been tired out by the start of the third game. He could barely keep up with Kendall and James to either defend or go on the offensive. Carlos was great player himself but he couldn't handle the other boys on his own.

"We are the champions!" James and Kendall sang out.

"Please, guys. You're great singers and all, but no more Queen." Carlos groaned and clasped his hands to his ears.

"You're just jealous." James said.

"We'd better hurry." Logan interrupted. "It's 12:00 now" He skated to the edge of the rink and started began unlacing his skates.

"Man, Logan." Kendall sat down next to him. "You're outta shape. You tired pretty quickly out there."

Logan laughed. "Yeah, well just wait until next time." He shoved his skates into his bag. "We won't even play three games because my team will win the first two."

"Oh, are we going to be on the same team then?" Kendall asked innocently.

"No way." Logan replied. "Rematch."

"Sounds good to me." James replied plopping down on the bench. "I may be the best singer and the best good looking, but Kendall's the best skater."

The boys packed up quickly and headed outside. It was a beautiful, sunny California afternoon. Because most people were still at work and the kids were at school, it was fairly quiet and the boys enjoyed the walk home.

Kendall and James walked quickly, eager to get home for lunch. Logan had fallen behind and Carlos dropped back to walk next to him.

"You okay, Logan?" His normally cheerful face was filled with concern. "You weren't yourself out there."

"I'm fine." Logan sighed. "Sorry about that last game, man. Maybe I am getting sick." He shrugged. "Or maybe I just need more sleep. I slept really good last night."

"Don't worry about the game. It's no big deal." Carlos frowned. "Do you want me to help you with your stuff?" He nodded at Logan's bag which sat heavily on his shoulder.

Logan shook his head quickly. "No, I got it. Thanks though."

Carlos nodded but the frown remained on his face.

"Carlos, don't look so worried, I'm fine. I just need some more rest that's all. Once school is over I'll be able to handle everything better." Logan assured him.

Carlos sighed. "All right." He said reluctantly. He forced a smile. "Let me know if you need anything, okay?"

Logan nodded." Uh-huh. Thanks, Carlos."

**A/N. Hmm, what is going on with Logan? I guess we'll find out soon! Oh, and just a few notes here that I wanted to bring up. One, I know Kendall's mom is kind of out of character. That's because I really hate how shows like BTR and others make the adults so absurd. She's more realistic now, that's all. Two, big thanks to XeroPrime for pointing out that the boys live at Palm WOODS not Palm Springs. My mistake. But let's just pretend, okay? YAY! Anyway, next chapter will be up sometime this week. Definitely this weekend but maybe sooner. All right, I did my part, now you do yours! REVIEW! Peace!**


	4. Sick

**A/N. I love you all. Seriously? You guys rock. You make me smile, you encourage me, yay. But enough of my sappiness. Here is chapter four. Four is my favorite number by the way. It has no impact on what happens in this chapter but I just thought I'd let you know. Te-he. ANYWAY, I don't own anything so read on.**

"Showers." Mrs. Knight ordered as soon as the boys walked through the door. "When you're all ready, you can eat lunch. Make it quick too. You know how much Gustavo hates it when you're late." She nodded at an empty laundry basket in the hallway, "Put your dirty clothes in there so I can wash them before they start attracting anything."

They boys did as they were told, eager to eat after playing hard. They were all freshly showered and dressed with plenty of time to spare. They sat down to a hastily made lunch of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

"Sorry I didn't make anything fancy." Mrs. Knight apologized as she hefted the laundry basket and walked to the doorway. "I'll be right back to drive you over to Gustavo's studio, okay? I just want to throw this pile in the washer." She walked out then stuck her head back into the room. "Oh, and Katie's with her new friend, Lucy. Okay, be right back."

"Thanks!" The boys called after her.

"Man, I know these are just peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but they are so good!" Carlos exclaimed. "Your mom makes such good food!"

"What are you saying about your mom, Carlos?" James asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Dude, don't even go there. My mom makes the best Hispanic dishes and you know it. Remember her enchiladas? She made them for our going away party."

"Oh man." Kendall sighed at the memory. "How could we forget?"

"Besides, James." Carlos continued as he reached for another sandwich. "I don't think you have any room to brag."

In spite of himself, James laughed. "Yeah, my mom's cooking. . . it's an adventure. My dad's not that bad though."

"So, what songs do you think Gustavo will have us practice today?" Kendall asked, abruptly changing the subject. He didn't have to explain anything though because immediately James' and Carlos' eyes widened and they looked ashamed. Logan never really had much to say about either of his parents with his mother dead, and his father wrapped up in his work. He never complained though because that was the kind of person he was.

"Considering we suck at it right now, I'm thinking a few rounds of 'Halfway There'." Carlos leaned back to consider.

"Aw, it's not that bad." James argued.

"It actually is, James. Which is kind of weird considering we agreed it's our favorite song." Logan brushed his crumbs into a pile on his paper plate.

"Okay, now at least give yourself some credit. You're the only one who has your part down. You're good. The rest of us need the practice." Kendall drained the last of his ice water. "You guys ready? My mom should be back any minute."

"Yeah, man". Carlos told Logan. "You rock your solos."

"Did you hear that?" Kendall elbowed Logan. "Solos. As in plural. As in more than one. As in you probably sing the most in this song."

Logan blushed. "Yeah, well." He dumped his plate in the trashcan. "No big deal or anything. We're a band. We do things together." He rubbed the back of his neck, something the boys noticed he only did when he was embarrassed. Before they could tease him further, Mrs. Knight breezed in.

"Okay, boys. Let's go." She grabbed her car keys and herded the boys out into the hall.

It was just a ten minute drive to Gustavo's studio but before they were there Logan had fallen sound asleep.

"Was he all right when you were at the rink?" Mrs. Knight asked, glancing in the rear view mirror in concern.

"He did get tired pretty easily." Carlos quickly spoke up. "We played best-two-out-of-three and by the third game, he was really dragging." He frowned. "He's never been like that before."

Mrs. Knight pursed her lips and frowned in thought. "Maybe I should call Gustavo. . ." She trailed off in thought for a moment then spoke up again. "Does he feel warm at all?"

Carlos felt his friend's forehead. "Maybe a little." He admitted.

"This isn't like him." Mrs. Knight fretted. She hesitated. "Logan?"

Kendall gave Logan a gentle shake.

"Huh?" Logan opened his eyes and looked around. "Where are we?"

"We're on Gustavo's street, sweetie." Mrs. Knight pulled up to the mansion and unbuckled so she could turn around and get a good look at Logan. "Logan, be honest with me." She said firmly. "How sick do you feel?"

Logan sat up. "Honestly? I really just feel tired. Maybe like I'm coming down with a cold but that's all. I mean, I've had worse."

"Are you going to be okay?" Mrs. Knight asked, still unwilling to let him go so easily.

Logan stretched and yawned. "Yeah, I think I just got extra tired from playing hockey earlier today. The nap helped." He shifted uncomfortably waiting for someone to say something.

Mrs. Knight felt his forehead. "I think you _are_ getting sick." She murmured. "You feel a little warm." She looked closely at him. "Are you up to this?"

"Yes." Logan said firmly. "I'll go to bed early every night until I feel better, but I can't miss any of this. It's really important."

Mrs. Knight frowned and sighed. "Well, I suppose. But I'll swing by the CVS and grab some cold medicine. And don't over do it today. Boys, keep an eye on him."

"We'll keep six eyes on him, Mrs. Knight." Carlos assured her.

She smiled at his words. "Better keep a couple of those eyes on Gustavo." She warned. "All right then. Out you go. I'll see you later."

The boys climbed out of her car and waved their goodbyes and they walked up the drive to the door. Kendall swung it open and they stepped inside.

"It's about time you got here!" Gustavo stormed into the large foyer. "Come on, we have a lot of work to do!" He led the boys to his studio muttering, "Lazy dogs." all the while. "Okay!" He shouted. "You dogs really need to work on 'Halfway There'. Griffin told me it was your weakest spot yesterday. Especially you, pretty boy." He said pointing at James.

"Me?" James asked in disbelief. "You've got to be kidding!"

"No, I'm not actually. Now, get behind the mics!" Gustavo left them in the small recording room and went to sit on the other side of the glass. His assistant Kelly walked in and waved to the boys before sitting down next to Gustavo.

"I can't believe Griffin and Gustavo think I'm so terrible!" James exclaimed in distress.

"James, calm down." Logan adjusted his mic. "Gustavo didn't exactly say you were _terrible_. Just that you needed some work." He smothered a yawn. "Come on, let's get started."

The music of 'Halfway There' started blaring and the four boys settled down to sing. Kendall sang his part flawlessly followed up by an equal performance from Carlos. James and Logan then joined them for the chorus.

"_We're halfway there, we're looking good now,_

_nothing's gonna get in the way._

_We're halfway there, and looking back now,_

_I'd never thought that I'd ever say,_

_we're halfway there, we're halfway there."_

James took a deep breath and gave his solo all he had. He was subconsciously relieved when Gustavo didn't stop the music and start screaming at him. Logan then sang his first solo without a hitch and the boys went into the chorus again.

"_We're halfway there, we're looking good now,_

_nothing's gonna get in the way._

_We're halfway there, and looking back now,_

_I'd never thought that I'd ever say,_

_we're halfway there, we're halfway there."_

Next was Logan's second solo; the bridge. However, instead of hitting the high notes with ease, he broke into a fit of coughing. From the other side of the glass, Gustavo groaned and switched the music off.

"Sorry." Logan apologized once he got his breath back. "Tickle in my throat."

"Well?" Gustavo drawled the word out. "Are you ready, now?"

Logan nodded and cleared his throat. The music started from the beginning and once more, James, Carlos, and Kendall all sang flawlessly. But when the bridge came around, Logan voice broke and wavered and then all together cut off.

"Mitchell!" Gustavo thundered. "Are you getting sick _now_?"

"Maybe." Logan said sheepishly. "I might be getting a cold."

"I don't believe it!" Gustavo groaned. "Right in the middle of recording a CD and you decide to go and get sick."

"I don't think it was actually his choice." Carlos interjected.

Gustavo threw his arms in the air. "I don't believe this." He repeated.

"I'm not that sick!" Logan protested. "I can sing. I just need a little more time to warm up." He broke into song.

_How you ever gonna reach the stars,_

_if you never get off the ground?_

_And you're always here where you are,_

_if you let life knock you down._

He made it through the bridge without any major problems but still without the usual ease. "See? I can sing."

Gustavo growled. "Change of plans. Work on harmony today."

The four boys groaned. Harmonies were incredibly boring to practice because it was the same thing over and over again. To make matters worse, Logan struggled even struggled with the easiest pieces. His voice sounded raspy and weak. The other three easily overpowered him even when they tried to sing softer for his benefit. Finally, Gustavo called it a day and sent them home with strict orders for Logan to keep his germs to himself and get better soon. Kelly gave Logan a sympathetic smile and said goodbye to the boys before she went to calm her fuming boss down.

Mrs. Knight tactfully kept silent the whole ride home, sensing none of the boys wanted to talk about the disastrous practice session. When they got back, she handed Logan a bottle of cold medicine and left to do some grocery shopping.

"Man, that sucked!" James flopped on the couch and stared moodily at the blank TV. "I really don't think that could have gone worse."

"We know, James." Kendall said. "We don't need you to remind us. We were there, remember?"

"Whatever." James said irritably. "We couldn't even get through one song today. And I was doing so well!"

"Dude, chill." Carlos said in exasperation. "We all have off days, okay?"

"Fine." James stood up. "I'll be down by the pool." He stalked out off the room without another word leaving the other three boys in silence.

"Well," Carlos said finally breaking the awkward silence. "Who want to ride on the twisty slide?" He pulled on his helmet and looked expectantly at the others. When they both shook their heads, he shrugged and hurried off to the indoor slide.

"Don't worry about James, Logan." Kendall said as they watched their goofball friend. "He'll be over it by dinnertime. You know him. He can't hold a grudge for more than a few hours."

"Yeah, I know." Logan plopped down onto the couch. "I just hate letting you guys down."

Kendall sat down next to him. "Look man, nobody is perfect. You just had a bad day. It's not your fault you're sick. And my mom got you cold medicine." He pointed out. "Take that for a few days and you'll be back to normal in no time."

**A/N. Oh my goodness, I am sooooo tired right now! It's 2:30AM right now but I needed to finish this chapter because I was feeling inspired. Stupid inspiration comes at the worst times. Anyway, I promise that the action will pick up in the next chapter. I just wanted to build the suspense. So, please encourage me and feed my nocturnal inspiration by reviewing! Love you all! YAY!**


	5. Collapse

**A/N. It's me again! Are any of you sick of me yet? I sure hope not because I am thoroughly addicted to this story. Seriously. That last time I was addicted to a story was with, 'A Valiant Small Stream'. And that was a long time ago. Anyway, FYI Nickelodeon's website has several Big Time Rush episodes up for watching. Much love. I'm disappointed that they didn't have the first episode up since I actually have yet to see that one. But oh well. ANYWAY, I don't own anything. Read on.**

Much to the boys' great disappointment Logan was hit with a nasty cold. He was virtually useless where singing was concerned for nearly two weeks. He complained of sore throat, aches, and chills and rarely went out of the hotel. On Mrs. Knight's insistence, Logan allowed himself to be taken to the doctor where they gave him a brief examination and sent him home with antibiotics and told him to take it easy until he felt better.

As a result of his illness, the CD recording had to come to a complete hold. Between the two of them, Griffin and Gustavo had outrageous fits and would have had panic attacks if Kelly hadn't managed to work out a new schedule. That fact that Kelly had managed to convince the record company to cooperate was nothing short of miraculous. But that was Kelly. The boys called her a miracle worker.

James was even more upset than Gustavo and Griffin but he didn't say much to Logan or the other boys about his feelings. He felt slightly resentful toward Logan for getting sick even though he knew it couldn't be helped. He shrugged of Logan's apologizes pretending he didn't care. But as talented a singer as he was, he was not a very convincing actor and everyone saw through him right away. When Logan tried to talk to him about it one day, he finally blew the other boy off telling him that it couldn't be helped.

Carlos just wanted his friend to get better and thought James was being to harsh. He wasn't a very argumentative boy by nature but he was quick to defend a friend or a family member if need be. He and James had a brief and heated discussion before Kendall finally took over and told them that they were both being stupid and to quit it.

In truth, everyone had had very little sleep over the past month and a half and they were all unusually tense and short with one another. The added stress of the delay in the CD recording did nothing to help. However, Kendall reminded them that since they were off they might as well make the best of it and relax as mush as possible.

Kendall himself was secretly relieved at the interruption in the business of everyday life. He had been sensing the rising tension ever since Logan started getting sick and when it all finally rose to the surface in a silly little argument between Carlos and James he stepped in.

Logan, for his part, felt like he had let everyone down and blamed himself for everyone's crabbiness and stress. He did everything he possibly could to get better as soon as possible while still keeping up with his school work. Finally, when school ended, he began to feel well enough so that Big Time Rush could get back to their normal schedule. He had always been a hard worker and this time was no exception. He instantly threw himself into the work as if to make up for lost time.

Once he recovered completely, the recording went quicker than anyone had expected and the boys made rapid progress. They had so impressed Griffin that he rewarded them with an unexpected day off and ordered Gustavo to leave them alone as well. And so that was how they found themselves sitting around the apartment with nothing to do.

"So." James started conversationally. "What do you guys want to do?" His fingers drummed restlessly on the coffee table as he waited for a response.

"Hockey!" Kendall said inevitably. "The normal schools are still going on and it's too early for anybody to be there." The boys took online high school classes so it was easier for them to juggle other things.

"Unless it stay-at-home-moms with their little kids." Carlos groaned. "Remember that one time?"

"I would think you would remember better than any of us." James grinned. "Man, you sure took that poor kid out!"

Carlos groaned again. "Don't remind me." He begged. "I felt so bad."

"You were the on who brought it up." Kendall reminded him. "And besides, the kid was fine. He even thought it was funny."

"It was even funnier to watch." James laughed.

"That's not what the kid's mom thought." Carlos gave an exaggerated shiver. "She really came after me with that pocketbook."

"So, are we going or not?" Kendall asked. "Come on you guys, what else is there to do?"

"He has a point." Logan chimed in. Even though they had gone back to their normal schedules he was still feeling the effects of being practically bedridden for two weeks and was eager to get out any chance he got. He stood up. "Come on, let's go. If the rink has been invaded by little kids and their moms then we'll just walk back and go swimming or something."

"Logan speaks the truth." Carlos jumped up, seeming to forget the incident. He clamped on his helmet. "Let's go!"

The boys gathered their stuff together and were headed out the door when Mrs. Knight walked in. "Hockey, boys? Are you up to that, Logan?"

It took great effort for Logan to restrain the frustrated sigh that was brought on by Kendall's mom's question. He smiled. "Yeah, of course. I feel like I've been cooped up for so long and I'm dying to get out."

"But-"

"I know I still look pale and tired." Logan threw politeness away as she protested yet again. "But I'm okay, really." He insisted. "I mean, I feel a _little _bit tired. Just a _little_." He held two of his fingers slightly apart to indicate how tired he was.

Finally, to his great relief, Mrs. Knight sighed. "All right." She relented. She stepped away from the doorway and let them pass. "Don't overexert yourself. And call if you need a ride home. Oh, and don't-"

Her words faded away as the boys made a quick escape down the hallway. Kendall led the way out of Palm Woods and into the California sunshine.

"Whew!" James turned his face to the sun. "I was afraid she wouldn't let us go. Logan, maybe you should start wearing make-up to make yourself look less pale and hide those circles."

"Yeah? Can I borrow yours then?" Logan shot back jokingly. "Pretty boy?" He called James by Gustavo's nickname for him.

"And it's Logan with the quick comeback!" Carlos proclaimed. "Come on, guys. More walking, less talking." He broke into a quicker walk as the building came into sight. The others followed suit.

"Now there's a sight for sore eyes." Kendall sighed as he swung the door open. He took a deep breath. "Smell that?" He asked his friends. When they shook their heads, looking puzzled, he grinned and went on. "The smell of frozen water is-"

"Oh brother." Logan rolled his eyes. "Water doesn't really have a smell, Kendall." The boys walked to the counter.

"What do you mean water doesn't have a smell?" Kendall protested. "Carlos. James. Do you smell that?"

"It's breathing in the cold air." Logan told him. "When it hits your sensitive nose it-"

"Okay, okay." Kendall shrugged. "Same thing."

Logan ignored him this time. "Hey, Mike." He greeted their favorite employee who was, to their delight, working that day. "How's it going?"

"Boys! Great to see you again. It's been a while." Mike smiled broadly, revealing his toothless smile that was a result from playing twelve years of minor league hockey. "Where you've been?"

"Logan's been sick forever." James said dramatically. He showed Mike his card that the friends had been given by Griffin. They had been thrilled to see that it guaranteed them free skating all year long.

"Nothing too serious I hope." Mike said to Logan.

"No, not really. Just a bad cold." Logan assured him.

"Well, it's good to have you back. And you've even got the whole rink to yourselves." Mike gestured towards the doors leading to the rink. "At least for now." He winked at Carlos. "No little kids and their moms to worry about."

The boys laughed and thanked Mike. "When do you get off, Mike? We can go get lunch and then talk about hockey if you want." Kendall suggested. He, along with the other boys loved to hear Mike talk about his hockey days. He had incredible stories of "the old days" as he referred to them. He had even met Wayne Gretzky, the greatest hockey player of all time. He was still relatively young at thirty-five but that was old for a hockey player, and the years of the violent contact sport were obvious. His knees were like those of a much older man's from the position he frequently kept as the goalie. But his good mood was infectious and everyone who came to the rink loved to talk with him.

"Not until 2:00." Mike responded, nodding to the clock on the wall that read 11:30. "If you can wait, I'll go. Otherwise you could always grab some ice cream or something. We haven't had a talk in a while."

"Sounds good. Thanks again!" Kendall waved and the boys stepped into the chilly room that housed the ice rink.

"So, two-on-two, best-two-of-three?" Carlos asked. "Me and Logan against you and James?"

"That's right." Logan recalled. "We need a rematch." He finished lacing his skated and stood up. "You guys are going down this time."

"Yeah, sure." James taunted. He grinned. "We'll see about that."

The boys skated onto the ice and warmed up by skating from one end of the rink to the other. They passed the puck back and forth with their well-used sticks for a while before they squared off for their first game.

Just like he had said, Logan and Carlos took a commanding lead in the first game, scoring six goals before James and Kendall could even manage one. The end result was 10-5. Carlos cheered victoriously and slapped Logan on the back. "Dude, seven goals? That was insane! You were skating circles around them!"

Logan grinned. "Thanks." He panted. "Nice defense."

"All right, all right." Kendall interrupted. "We still have two games to play."

"Two?" Logan repeated. "Carlos, did you hear that? They think they're going to win the next game."

"Not just the next game, but the one after that too." James said confidently.

"Oh yeah?" Carlos challenged. "You really think so?"

"No, I don't _think_ so, I_ know _so." James laughed. You guys are going down. Ready, Kendall?"

Kendall grinned. "Ready."

But despite their best efforts, James and Kendall still couldn't quite catch Logan and Carlos who were playing like they were in Game Seven of the Stanley Cup finals in the NHL. However, it was a much closer game with a final score of 10-9. Carlos scored seven of his own goals while Logan had suddenly started lagging behind midway through the game.

"Best four-out-of-seven." Kendall said when Carlos scored the last goal and did a victory lap around the rink.

Logan shook his head. "Nah, man. I'm tired, I think I need a break." He bent over with his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath. He didn't say anything but he was feeling slightly lightheaded and his legs felt wobbly like they were too weak to hold him up any longer.

"Aw, come on Logan." Kendall said. "Best-of-seven. Just like the real thing."

"Kendall, you've got to be kidding me." Logan protested. "Seven games? When have we ever played seven games before?"

"Never, until now. But the games are so short anyway, that we might as well. Come on, man. You know you want to." Kendall persuaded.

Logan had no desire to play anymore hockey at that moment. All he wanted to do was lay down and catch his breath. "I'm tired." He repeated.

"Okay, what about just one more then?" Kendall said. "We'll bet on it too." He grinned when he saw James and Carlos perk up at the word. "If James and I win, then you and Carlos have to keep our rooms clean for a month. If you and Carlos win, then James and I have to clean your rooms for two months."

"Hang on." James held up his hand like a traffic cop. "Why do we have to clean their rooms for two months when they only have to clean ours for one month?"

"Two reasons." Kendall counted them off on his fingers. "One, Logan already keeps his room clean so we'd only have to worry about Carlos' room. Two, they barely beat us that last game. I think we got them beat this time."

"But Carlos' room is messy enough for both of them." James pointed out.

"It's not that bad." Carlos argued.

Logan shook his head and laughed. The dizziness had faded so that it was barely noticeable and his legs had stopped feeling so wobbly. He straightened up carefully and held out his hand. "Deal."

Carlos willingly held his hand out and Kendall imitated them. After a brief hesitation during which he weighed the possibility of cleaning Carlos' pig pen of a room with not having to clean his own room, James held his hand out and they shook on it.

"All right!" Kendall crowed, ecstatic to be playing another game. He high-fived James. "Let's do this!"

"We got this." Carlos told Logan as the two exchanged their own high-fives.

They faced off at the center of the rink and at Kendall's count of three, started the game. Logan and Carlos got off to a good start, scoring three quick goals. James and Kendall though came roaring back and soon the score was 7-6 in their favor.

James stole the puck from Logan and slapped it wildly to the other side of the rink. Carlos skated quickly skated after it with Kendall and James in hot pursuit. He moved to pass it to Logan but realized that he was behind the other "team" skating slowly like he was having trouble keeping up. Before he could say anything, James slammed into him and Kendall skated away to score on the open net.

Logan watched this happen. As hard as he pushed himself, he couldn't go any faster. The dizziness had returned even worse than before and he stumbled once or twice but managed to catch himself and keep from falling. From across the rink he heard James and Kendall shouting as they scored again. He heard something else then but he couldn't make it out over the roaring in his ears. It sounded a little like Carlos shouting his name. He opened his mouth to call back but nothing came out. He was incredibly tired and dizzy and all he wanted to do was lay down until the world stopped spinning. He started to skate over to the wall so he could hold himself up while he made his way to the bench but he stumbled again. This time, he didn't try to catch himself and everything went black as Logan collapsed.

**A/N. Let me remind you that I said that the action would pick up in this chapter. I think. Apologies if I didn't. You guys didn't think you were going to get away without a few cliffhangers, did you? Sillies. I'm addicted to cliffhangers. Anyway, I finished this chapter at 1:30AM on Thursday, May 20. Yeah, nocturnal inspiration. Let me say before I leave you that chapter six will be up shortly. This weekend at the very latest. That is, as long as you review. . .**


	6. Panic

**A/N. What a time for me to get Writer's Block, huh? Seriously, it hits at the worst times. Fortunately, while I was at work today (te-he) I started writing the beginning and once I got started, I just kept going. Thanks for all of your reviews and encouragement You guys are the best. And you guys who have reviewed every chapter are THE BEST. Love you all! I don't own anything by the way. . . Read on.**

Kendall and James raced after Carlos who was chasing down the loose puck as it slid across the ice to the other side of the rink.

"I've got Carlos!" James called over to Kendall, who nodded in understanding. James put on a burst of speed and passed Kendall. As he reached Carlos, James was surprised when Carlos threw a look behind them. The motion cut his speed and James closed the rest of the distance between them and slammed the other boy into the wall, sending them both to the ground.

Kendall, meanwhile, passed the two and collected the puck with his stick. With no one between him and the bet, he skated directly up to it and tapped the puck in.

"All right!" James shouted as he skated over to Kendall, his fists raised in victory. The two boys high-fived each other. "And the score is now 8-6 in favor of Team Kendall and James. " James mimicked a hockey broadcaster. "The two are starting to pull away from-"

"Logan? Logan!" A sudden cry of fear and alarm from Carlos interrupted James' hockey monologue. He and Kendall spun around to see Carlos scrambling to his feet and dashing madly across the ice rink.

Kendall's breath suddenly caught in his throat. Logan lay motionless on the other side of the rink. For a moment, he stood rooted to the spot unable to even think. Then dimly he heard James shouting at him as he raced towards Logan and Carlos.

"Kendall! Go get Mike! Call 911" The words penetrated through Kendall's frozen state of mind and he raced to the rink door. He slammed hard into the wall to stop himself and without bothering to take his skates off, he ran awkwardly to the front desk.

Kendall, what is it? What's wrong?" Mike saw Kendall coming and met him halfway. Kendall was in a panic and was babbling incoherently, his words tripping over each other in their way out of his mouth. Mike grabbed him by the shoulders and gave him a gentle but firm shake to claim his attention.

"Kendall, slow down. I need you to take a deep breath and calm down." He waited until Kendall took a deep, strangled breath. "Now, tell me-"

"It's Logan." Kendall interrupted. "He's collapsed or something. I don't know. I wasn't looking and then I heard Carlos calling him like something was wrong and I turned around and he was just laying there." The words tumbled from Kendall's lips but this time Mike was already sprinting over to the rink before Kendall was done talking. He stumbled after the ex-hockey player whom he had never imagined could move so fast with his bad knees.

They quickly reached the three boys. Logan still lay unmoving. Carlos had pulled his head into his lap and James was bending over him repeating his name over and over again frantically. Mike dropped down besides James and bent down close to Logan.

"Logan? Can you hear me?" He took Logan's limp hand in his and pressed his fingers to the boy's wrist. After a while, he laid his head on Logan's chest and felt him breathing. He then carefully pried open Logan's eyelids. He jerked out his phone and dialed three numbers.

"This is Mike Richards from the Palm Ice Rink on Jefferson Drive." He spoke quickly into the phone. "A seventeen year old boy just collapsed on the ice. His pulse is weak but steady, his breathing is slightly shallow, and his pupils are dilated. He was wearing a helmet but he still might have hit his head hard enough to give him a slight concussion." He rattled off his quick evaluation and the listened. "No, he's not responding to any of us at all. I'm not sure. No. Okay, thank you. Yes, I hear the sirens now. Thank you."

Carlos jumped as Mike tossed the phone away. He stared wordlessly at Mike. By now, he, Kendall, and James had gone completely silent. "Boys." Mike said trying to get their attention. Only Carlos showed any sign that he had heard him. "Since I'm the only one with shoes on, I'm going to go show the EMTs where to go. Just stay here with Logan. Keep talking to him but try to stay calm." He rose to his feet and quickly left for the rink's entrance.

"Logan?" Carlos whispered. His voice was trembling wildly. Dimly he heard the sirens that Mike had mentioned. "You're gonna be okay, Buddy. The ambulance is here and they're going to take you to the hospital. They're going to take good care of you there, okay? Just hang on."

"Carlos?" Logan's eyelids fluttered and opened slightly. "What happened?" He was cold. . . so cold. Probably because he was laying on the ice. He stared up at Carlos' worried face. James' and Kendall's equally worried faces appeared in Logan's line of vision blocking out the bright overhead lights.

"Logan." Carlos let out a shaky sigh. His voice sounded odd to Logan; like he was close to crying. But Carlos never cried. He was always having fun and laughing."You fainted, Logan."

Logan wrinkled his brow in confusion. "Fainted?" He repeated. His voice sounded weird too. Weak and soft. His head ached and he felt completely exhausted. He had no idea why he had fainted but he was far too tired to bother thinking hard. "I'm tired." He murmured.

Carlos felt another round of panic rising in his chest but before he could say anything to Logan, he heard Mike and the EMTs approaching. "Hurry!" He cried out. "He woke up but-" He broke off and turned back to Logan. His eyes were closed once more.

"All right, give us some room boys." The three boys reluctantly moved from their friend's side. Their motions were a blur as they examined Logan. One of them looked just a little older than the boys themselves. He turned to face them and gave them a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, guys. We're going to help your buddy as much as we can."

"What's the matter with him?" James finally asked.

The EMT shook his head. "We can only do so much here." He told them. "But we've got some of the best doctors in LA back at the hospital." He helped one of the other men load Logan onto the stretcher. "You all want to come along for the ride?" He asked.

"Can we?" Kendall asked hopefully. At the man's nod they all stood up on shaky legs. They followed the EMTs as they carefully wheeled the stretcher over the ice. It wasn't until they got outside that they realized that they were all still wearing their hockey gear, but Jeff, the friendly EMT, told them to climb in the back anyway.

The ride to Lakewood General was only ten minutes but it felt a lot longer. The entire ride there Logan never even stirred. Still none of the emergency medical technicians looked extremely concerned and Jeff talk quietly to the boys hoping to take their minds off what was happening. When they reached the hospital, Kendall, James, and Carlos waited for the men to take Logan out and then hopped out themselves. They followed them into the hospital and down a hallway until Jeff stopped them.

"Sorry guys, I'm afraid you can't go any further. " He smiled sympathetically. "Why don't you come sit over here while you wait." He led them to an empty part of the ER and sat them down. "Now listen. I have to go back on duty but soon a doctor is going to come by to ask you some questions about you friend. Are you guys going to be okay with that?"

Kendall nodded slowly. "Yeah."

Jeff smiled again and gave them each a pat on the shoulder as he stood up. "Someone is already contacting your parents, okay? Mike, the man at the rink helped us out with that before we left. He would have liked to come but he had no one to take over them. He'll come as soon as he can. He wants to be here for you. Okay? If you need anything, just ask." And with that, Jeff jogged to the doors and went outside to wait for the next call.

The boys waited in total silence. They were at a loss for what to say. Kendall, always the planner, was frightened knowing that this was way out of his control. James hadn't thought about being famous since he saw Logan laying perfectly still on the ice. Carlos who could find the humor in so much was quieter than he had been in a long time.

"Kendall? Boys?" Kendall stood up to meet Mrs. Knight as she rushed over to them.

"Mom." Kendall let his mother wrap her arms around him in a tight hug. Tears were burning the backs of his eyes but he refused to cry.

"Oh, baby." Mrs. Knight rubbed his back soothingly. "I'm so sorry." She released her son and hugged the other two boys. "Have the doctors said anything?"

"No." James shook his head. "One of the guys in the ambulance said a doctor would be by soon to ask us a few. . . questions." They caught sight of a doctor walking towards them as he spoke.

"Logan Mitchell?" The gray haired man asked. At their nods, he held out his hand. "I'm Doctor Joseph Roberts. I just want to ask you a few questions. We've contacted Logan's father but unfortunately, the earliest he can get here is sometime tomorrow morning. Are you comfortable with this?" They nodded.

"All right." Doctor Roberts sat down with a clipboard in his hands. "First question, has Logan ever lost consciousness for any reason before today?"

"No, not that we know of. We've know him for over ten years. He's always been so healthy." Mrs. Knight squeezed Kendall's hand as she answered the question.

"All right." Doctor Roberts wrote something on his clipboard. "Any family medical history that you know about? No? Okay. Do you think there's any way that Logan could have an eating disorder?"

"No way." Kendall shook his head. "I mean, I know he's skinny but he's always been skinny. And he eats like a normal teenage guy."

"He had a nasty cold about a week ago." Mrs. Knight added. "He didn't eat very much then but since he's gotten better he's been eating normally."

"Okay, that's good then." Doctor Roberts scribbled some more.

"What's wrong with him?" James asked again. "Do you know?"

Doctor Roberts shook his head. "At this point it could be a number of things. He may have had suffered complications from the cold you mentioned and contacted pneumonia. He could simply be suffering from exhaustion-"

"We have been really busy lately." Carlos said helpfully.

The doctor nodded. "Which makes it entirely possible that this episode was a result of severe lack of proper sleep on his part." He glanced over his notes. "His symptoms also point to some kind of anemia."

The boys stiffened at the unfamiliar word. "What's that?" Kendall asked quickly.

"Anemia is quite simply a condition in which a person's red cell count is unusually low. It's commonly caused by a deficiency of iron or vitamin B12, or a poor nutrition. We're running blood tests on Logan now so we should have some more answers."

"Is he going to be okay?" Kendall asked hesitantly.

"I honestly don't know. It could be as simple as exhaustion or something more serious." Doctor Roberts stood up. "I'm sorry." He really did look sorry. "As soon as we have our answers, I'll inform you." He examined his notes one last time. "If you need anything just let someone know, all right? Thank you very much for your help in answering some of my questions." He shook Mrs. Knight's hand again. "If you'll excuse me, I'll go check on our patient." He nodded politely to their words of thanks and left them to wondering.

"Mom, where's Katie?" Kendall suddenly asked.

"Oh, she went to see a movie with. . . Lucy." Mrs. Knight checked her watch. "I actually need to go get her in about ten minutes. Are you going to be okay here by yourselves or do you want to come with me?"

"We're not leaving." Kendall said softly. The other boys nodded in agreement.

James sighed and ran his hand haphazardly through his hair not caring if it looked awful. "How long do you think it will take?" He whispered.

"I don't know, sweetie." Mrs. Knight put her hand on his shoulder. "But those doctors and nurses are doing the best they can right now. Logan is in good hands."

They lapsed into silence once more. Soon, Mrs. Knight had to leave to pick-up Katie. "I'll be back as soon as possible." She promised, hugging all the boys. "Katie and I will come straight here once I get her. It'll take about half an hour. Call if you need anything, all right?" The boys nodded mutely and she left.

Kendall looked down at his feet and realized for the first time that he was still wearing his skates as well as the rest of his gear. He unlaced his skates and leaned them up against his chair. He then pulled off all of his pads, the others following his actions when they saw him. When all was said and done, the three boys made a sad picture. They sat in limp hockey jerseys with nothing but socks on their feet. The pile of gear was piled out of the way in a small corner.

For a while, all was silent once more. Then Kendall broke the silence. "This is all my fault." He said. James and Carlos stared at him in disbelief. "If I hadn't pushed Logan to play that extra hockey game, or made sure he was getting more rest, or-"

"Kendall, listen to me. If anyone's to blame. Then it's all of us. All of these things you're mentioning go for us as well." Carlos interrupted his friend. "We should have paid more attention to Logan."

"Carlos is right, Kendall." James said softly. "We're all to blame."

Nothing more was said. They sat quietly, deep in their own thoughts. Soon though, they caught sight of Doctor Roberts walking towards them. In that instant, Kendall had never thought he wanted his mother so badly before. But he took a deep breath and stood up, Carlos and James rising as well.

"Hi, boys. Is your mom here?" The doctor asked Kendall.

"No, she went to pick my little sister up from a movie with a friend. She'll be back in about fifteen minutes."

"Did you find out what is wrong with Logan?" Carlos asked desperately.

The doctor's face was grave. "Would you rather wait for your mother?" He asked quietly.

Kendall felt the knot in his stomach tighten at the words. Something was really wrong. But he had to find out. He couldn't wait any longer. "No." He whispered. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw James and Carlos shaking their heads, wanting to hear the news as well.

Doctor Roberts sighed. "Very well then." He took a deep breath and looked the boys straight in the eyes. "I'm afraid I have some bad news about Logan."

**A/N. DUN! DUN! DUN! I have dragged the secret of Logan's illness for yet another chapter. Another cliffhanger! Please don't kill me. I won't be able to update if you do. . . PLEASE review if you like this story. Reviews are what keep this story going. No reviews kinda kill the mood if you know what I mean. I'll update as soon as possible, okay? Thanks again! Peace! P.S. I finished this chapter the 2:45AM. Yahoo!**


	7. Irony

**A/N. So, I think my laptop was punishing me for giving you guys two cliffhangers in a row. This morning I was hit with a nasty virus. But I did a little research and the problem is gone. I plan to invest in a Mac. Any recommendations? ANYWAY, I'll stop talking and just let you know that I don't own anything. Aren't you glad? So, read on and review if it's not too much trouble. P.S. It really isn't any trouble. . . Oh, and I needed tissues when I wrote this so you might need them while you're reading. Just sayin'.**

Irony could be a funny thing. Just last year, before Big Time Rush even happened, the boys had decided to combine their meager earnings to buy tickets to a Minnesota Wild game. Unfortunately, the only game they were able to find available tickets to was on a school night and all of their parents were dead set against them going. Kendall, Carlos, and James managed to convince Logan to go along with their plan of going to their game without their parents' knowledge.

They worked hard at odd jobs all that week to buy bus tickets to the stadium. Finally, when the big night came, Logan told his father he was staying over night at Carlos' house to help him with his Math homework, Carlos told his parents he was staying at Logan's, James told his parents that all four of the boys were having a "study sleepover" and Kendall's, and Kendall, in turn, told his mother that the "study sleepover" was at James' house. Much to their delight, their parents were completely fooled.

On their way to the bus stop that night, the boys spotted a penny laying on the ground. Thinking it was worthless they hopped on the bus.

The game was awful. Minnesota lost 8-0 to the Colorado Avalanches. The boys walked glumly out of the stadium having no idea how much worse the night would get before it was over. When they reached the bus stop, they learned that they were exactly a penny short of all four of them getting a ride home. Since all four them refused to let one walk home, they all walked home. They considered calling a parent for a ride home but then wondered if they could still get away with their little adventure. Halfway home, the skies opened up and freezing Minnesota rain soaked them.

They reached Kendall's house at 2:00AM, tired, cold, wet, and hungry. Wanting nothing more than to shower, grab some food, and lay down they were surprised to find all of their parents waiting for them. Their punishments were harsh enough that the boys never considered sneaking out again. Two weeks without hockey and each other, they had virtually been under house arrest. And yet, when they finally got back together, at the hockey rink no less, they had laughed at the irony.

But irony can also be a cruel thing. Take the story of Romeo and Juliet. Once when back in Minnesota the boys had been involved in the school's production of Shakespeare's masterpiece as punishment for several pranks they had pulled on the drama teacher Mrs. Claire Owens. She had meant to have them actually act but with Kendall constantly forgetting his lines, Carlos unable to keep a straight face at the funny dialog, James' constant hair flipping, and Logan's irreversible stage fright, she finally had them work as stage hands. But despite themselves, the boys had actually been moved by the play's tragic end. That was irony in it's cruelest form. But it was just a play. It never actually happened.

In all his life, the hardest thing Kendall had ever had to go through was his parents' divorce. Divorce is ironic. Two people who are convinced that they love each other end up not being able to "make it work". But they had made the transition as easy as possible for Kendall and Katie and gradually it got easier.

Kendall remembered thinking that the words that came out of Doctor Roberts' mouth were really ironic themselves because until this whole crazy Hollywood thing had started, Logan had wanted to be a doctor.

"What?" He heard himself ask. The word slipped out of his mouth on it's own and sounded a little silly because he had heard the doctor perfectly the first time.

The doctor hesitated and sighed. "Boys, maybe we should wait for your mother to get here." He said gently. "What I have to tell you, won't be easy to hear."

Inside Kendall's brain a voice was screaming at him to do like the doctor said and wait for his mom to get there. But he squashed the little kid part of him that wanted his mommy and shook his head. "No." He said, surprising himself at the firmness in his voice. "Please just tell us. Logan's our best friend." He vaguely noticed James and Carlos nodding their heads on either side of him.

Doctor Roberts sighed again. "Then I think you'd better sit down." He advised them, pulling a chair close and sitting in it as he spoke.

Kendall hadn't even realized that they were standing. Weakly he sat back down. He found a ridiculous amount of comfort in the fact that James and Carlos were sitting next to him. He felt safer where he was in the middle.

"Remember when I told you that one of the possibilities of Logan's illness might be anemia?"

The three boys gave small nods but were unable to speak as they waited for the doctor to go on.

Doctor Roberts rubbed his jaw before continuing. As terrified as the boys were they could see a worn look in the man's eyes, as if years of giving people bad news about loved ones had taken a toll on him. "Well, we found that he does have anemia which can be fairly treatable itself."

"Itself?" Kendall jumped slightly as James spoke up. He hardly recognized his voice. James, who was always brimming with confidence and self-confidence, sounded small and scared which scared Kendall even more.

"There are several cause of anemia." Doctor Roberts told them quietly. "Some aren't too serious and have rather simple solutions. Others. . ." His voice trailed off. He ran his hand over his gray hair. "Boys." He said looking directly at them. His eyes were filled with compassion. "I'm afraid the test results showed that Logan has a disease know as acute myelogenous leukemia."

Kendall felt like he had been punched in the stomach. His breath left him at the doctor's words and all he could do was stare wordlessly at the doctor. The first two words meant nothing to him. He had no idea what they meant. But the last word. . .

"Leukemia?" Kendall heard Jame repeat in disbelief. "But isn't leukemia a kind of. . . cancer?" His voice broke on the word.

The doctor was nodding. The sympathy and compassion in his eyes was so strong that Kendall had to look away. "Yes, I'm afraid so. Anemia is often a symptom of it, though not everyone who has anemia has cancer."

"But." Carlos had barely spoken since they had arrived at the hospital. The entire ambulance ride there, he had kept up a constant stream of talking to Logan in hopes that he would respond. But once they were directed to their little corner of the large emergency room he had seemed to run out of things to say. "But he's only seventeen." He finally said as if that could somehow make a difference.

The doctor winced slightly, his professional face failing him for a brief moment before he composed himself again. "Yes, I know. We ran the tests several times. Five times. And all five times the results came back the same. I am so sorry, boys."

"What's going to happen to him? James asked. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself but it was getting harder and harder.

"Well, as soon as his father gets here tomorrow, we'll discuss various treatment options with him and Logan. I'm afraid I can't give you much more information."

Kendall closed his eyes and wished as hard as he could that this was all a horrible nightmare. He wished that when he opened his eyes he would be in his bed, or in the car, or on the couch, or in school, or. . . anywhere but here. He wished that he, Carlos, and James were miles away from this place and Logan was there with them, safe and sound, and perfectly healthy. He wished everything was normal.

A sudden noise to his left made Kendall open his eyes. For a second all he could think of was that this was not a terrible nightmare, but real life. Then he heard Carlos let out a strangled sob.

"He can't have cancer!" The tears that he had held back for so long were now streaming down his face. "Not Logan. He's only seventeen! He's too young!" Carlos wrapped his arms around himself and bent forward. He tried in vain to get back in control of himself but the sobs tore through him. "He can't, he can't, he can't."

In the eleven years that they had known each other the boys had always high-fived and hugged when something exciting happened. But when something like the Knights' divorce happened, they backed off a little. They were there for Kendall when he needed to vent his anger, frustration, and sadness out but hugging seemed weak and girly in a serious situation. When Logan's mom died they had just met and were so young. Logan had barely understood it himself until he wanted his mommy to tuck him in at night and his father came instead. Non-celebration hugs were a foreign concept to the boys because until now they hadn't really needed them.

But when Carlos started to cry, the "stay strong" resolve quickly weakened and they crumbled. Always the clown, Carlos' tears hit Kendall's and James' last frayed nerves and they cried together. For a while all they could do was cling to each other like the lone survivors of a shipwreck because it felt less like they were falling apart that way.

When they had quieted, the doctor handed them a box of tissues he had retrieved from the front desk. Someone, a guy who looked college aged with a hand that was obviously broken, had purchased three water bottles from the vending machine and quietly handed them to Doctor Roberts before going back to his seat to wait.

And that was how Mrs. Knight and Katie found them. Their faces were pale and their eyes were red rimmed and badly swollen from tears. When Doctor Smith told them what he had told the boys, Katie had started crying immediately and Kendall pulled his little sister into a hug. Mrs. Knight gave them all hugs and cried too though she soon steadied herself to be strong for the kids.

"Does he know?" Kendall finally asked.

Doctor Roberts nodded. "Yes, he does. So does his father."

Kendall pushed back the thought of Mr. Mitchell, who had been like a stranger to his own son for over ten years, getting news like this on the phone and being unable to see Logan.

"Can we see him?" He pleaded.

At this question, Doctor Roberts smiled slightly. "Yes of course." He said. "I think he would like that." He stood up and helped them all to their feet. "Please follow me." He led them through the same double doors where they had taken Logan earlier and down a hallway. They reached an elevator and he pushed the button. Once the door opened, they all went it.

It felt like the elevator was moving in slow-motion and at high-speed all at the same time. Kendall leaned his head on the wall behind him. What would Logan look like? Was he even awake right now? What if Kendall cried in front of him? He shook his head. He couldn't cry in front of Logan. Logan was sick. He needed Kendall to be strong for him and not a cry baby.

Besides him, James and Carlos were thinking the same exact thoughts. They steeled themselves against more tears by taking deep breaths and trying to shut out the sniffs from Mrs. Knight and the occasional little sob from Katie.

The elevator doors opened and they followed Doctor Roberts silently. They were passing rooms with little children now. Little children that they couldn't distinguish between boy and girl because they all had round, shaved heads. Carlos stared at his feet, unable to meet the curious glances of the small patients.

"Almost there." The doctor spoke quietly as if to reassure them that the sad walk would come to an end soon. He finally stopped at a closed door. Room 221. Carlos, a movie buff instantly thought of _Sherlock Holmes_ and then grew sad again because he knew that Logan had probably thought of the same thing, except he had thought of the books and not the movie.

Doctor Roberts knocked and then opened the door. As they followed him inside, Kendall couldn't help but think of irony and an old Billy Joel song. Now more than ever was the chorus true. _"Only the good die young."_.

**A/N. All right. Wow. That wasn't sad or anything. I don't really know what to say except review? Chapter eight will be up as soon as I can. I might need an angst break and you might need one too. I'll go limp off to my Weeping Corner and have a good cry now. Peace!**


	8. Memory

**A/N. Thanks so much for all of your reviews. They are so encouraging! I love you all! . . .And you probably all hate me. Ahem. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I should probably explain to you all that I have what I call "borderline" depression and anxiety issues so yeah. ANYWAY, thanks for sticking with me this far. I don't own BTR, aren't you glad? Read on.**

Logan hated hospitals. In fact, the last time he had actually been in a hospital was when he was six and he had always tried to avoid thinking of that day. That was the day he had lost not only his mother in the car crash, but his father as well. But he had learned how to make avoided thoughts of that day easier. The number one rule was, avoid people, places, and things that triggered those painful memories. He looked around. He wasn't doing that very well today.

Memory can be a funny thing. Sometimes Logan couldn't remember the lyrics to a song that he had just looked at five minutes ago. But even though the accident had happened eleven years ago, Logan remembered it like it happened just yesterday.

They had gone to the grocery store. Logan was wearing a blue shirt that was the exact same color of the sky when they left the house. He had begged his mother to buy animal crackers and she finally relented and gave him the box to hold while they finished shopping. At the check-out a nice lady gave Logan a sticker with a hockey playing dog that Logan immediately stuck on his shirt.

When they walked outside, Logan had been frightened by the sky. It had gone from a lovely blue to an ugly, threatening black. He held his mom's hand tightly as they walked briskly to the car. She loaded him in, giving him a kiss and the box of animal crackers and then they left. As soon as the car pulled out of the parking lot, the sky opened up and the rain poured down so hard that they had to pull over and stop on the side of the road.

His mom switched on the radio to hear if they weathermen had an idea when the storm would pass. Logan remembered hearing a commercial for the film _Free Willy _and telling his mom that he wanted to see the whale movie. She didn't because all of a sudden, there was a tremendous bang that made Logan scream in fear. The car was spinning around like a ride at a carnival and at first, Logan thought it was kind of fun but then they flipped upside-down and that scared him. He remembered crying for his mom but she never answered him.

As they hung upside-down, Logan could see that the groceries were all over the floor. The milk had spilled and he watched the white stain growing and then mixing with something red which he later found out was from his own hand which had been cut badly by glass. He remembered hearing people shouting and feeling cold from the rain that was coming through the smashed window. And then he didn't remember anything until he woke up in the hospital bed and his father told him that it was just the two of them, that Mommy had gone to Heaven.

Logan shut his eyes and tried to stop the memories. He had always told everyone that he didn't remember anything from that day because he didn't want them to know the truth. He didn't want them to know that every detail was crystal clear because he knew it would hurt them almost as much as it hurt him. But he still had nightmares from it once in a while and he missed his mom every day although he pretended that the old saying was true. _Time heals all wounds._ What a lie. He rubbed the jagged scar on his left hand that was a daily reminder of the accident.

Although he missed his mother every day, he had never wanted her so badly before. He felt so confused and scared as he lay alone in the room. He wanted his mm to hug him and tell him that everything would be okay and not to be scared. He wanted her to tell him that he could go back to sleep and when he woke up everything would be okay.

Logan sniffed in spite of his best efforts to keep the tears at bay. He wasn't entirely sure if he was crying because he just found out that he was dying or because he missed his mom so much at that moment that it physically hurt.

"Hey, sweetie." A young nurse walked in smiling. "My name is Peyton, can I get you anything? No? Are you comfortable? Good."

Logan wished even more that this was all just some horrible mistake because then, he and his friends could talk about how hot Jackie was. She looked like Carrie Underwood. She caught Logan staring at him and smiled. He blushed and looked away, playing with the ends of the sheet.

"Your friends are on their way up." She said softly.

Logan flinched slightly at her words and thought of his own trip up to the children's cancer ward. He didn't want his friends to see what he saw. He would never be able to get the images of the sick kids out of his mind. He took a deep breath. He had to pull himself together for his friends' sakes.

"Are you okay?" Peyton saw his flinch and looked at him in concern. "I can get you some pain meds if you need them."

Logan shook his head. "No, I'm fine thanks." He said honestly. "I was just thinking." Right now his mind was racing. What in the world was he going to say to his friends when they got here? They didn't teach you this kind of stuff in school. "Um, what should I say?" He finally asked Peyton.

"You mean to your friends?" Peyton looked sympathetic to his dilemma but her answer was quick and sure. "Just be yourself. They're scared too but it won't help anything to act like everything's okay. I can guarantee you that the longer people pretend, the harder they fall." She patted him on the arm. "It's going to be fine. I'll leave so you can have some privacy."

"Thank you." He managed to say as she walked out of the room and closed the door behind her. He closed his eyes and let his head hit the pillow. _Be yourself._ It sounded so easy. But like some things in life, it was so easy to say, and not so easy to do. But he had no more time for planning because the door opened and Doctor Roberts walked in followed by Kendall, James, Carlos, and Mrs. Knight and Katie.

When he saw them, Logan forgot all about Peyton's advice and refused to give into the tears that threatened to fall. His friends needed him to be strong and not a crybaby. Katie immediately ran over to the bed and started crying again as she hugged him. Mrs. Knight sat down next to him and rubbed her daughter's back gently while she tried to hold in her own tears.

Kendall actually hesitated before walking through the door. He was terrified of what Logan might look like. For some reason, since he heard the word, 'leukemia', all he could see where pale and tired faces with shaved heads. But when he walked through the door he actually felt relieved. Logan, although still slightly pale and small looking in the hospital bed, looked way better than he had when he was laying on the ice. It didn't make everything okay of course, but it made pretending easier.

"Hey, Logan." He winced inwardly at the shakiness in his voice. His eyes burned but he gave himself a quick mental pep talk. He was the leader. He had to be strong. "Hey, Logan." He said again, his voice stronger this time. "Are you feeling better?" He wanted to take the words back as soon as the fell from his mouth. What a stupid question!

Logan smiled at the question though. "Pretty good actually. A little sore from all of the needles they poked me with." He laughed a little. "I felt like a pincushion for a while." He watched Kendall closely. He stood by Logan's side like he had no idea that he was actually there. "Why don't you pull up a chair?" He quietly advised his friend, who wordlessly obeyed him.

James walked in next. The normal spring in his step was lacking. He looked awful. His pale cheeks were tear-stained and his eyes were bright with unshed tears. His hair was wild from wearing a hockey helmet and not combing it afterward. He did not look like James Diamond. But it didn't matter now. None of it did. All that mattered was being there for Logan and his other friends.

He slapped on the best phony smile he had and walked over to Logan's bed. "Hey, man." He stopped, panicking inwardly. What else would he say? Every single idea he had thought of while in the elevator was forgotten and he had nothing to say to his friend. He cleared hiss throat to buy time. "Um, I'm glad you feel better." He finished lamely. "You look better." He added and then regretted it as soon as he did. "I mean. . . you know." He ran a hand through his already messy hair.

"Thanks, James." Logan replied. His eyes burned. This wasn't supposed to be happening. The thought that his friends were suffering because of him weighed heavily on his mind. They were so different already. He wracked his brain for something to say. If the situation weren't so serious, he would have teased James about his less than perfect appearance but that was the last thing he needed to say right now.

Carlos came in next. His shoulders were slumped and he dragged his feet as he walked. He had watched Kendall and James go in managing to keep their composure but he seriously doubted he could do the same. A smile never seemed so impossible. His throat felt tight and his head ached. All he wanted to do was cry but he couldn't.

"Did you see your room number?" The words came out automatically. He blushed when he realized what he had actually said. "I mean-"

"It's okay, Carlos." Logan assured him. It was killing him to watch his friends walk in with brave but forced smiles on their faces and then slowly falling apart. "Sherlock Holmes, right? Although you probably thought of the movie, right?"

"Yeah." He scuffled the toe of one foot on the floor. Finally he looked up. His dark eyes were filled with tears. As hard as he tried he couldn't be strong. He tried to swallow past the enormous lump in his throat. "Logan." He finally choked out sitting down.

Boys didn't cry in front of each other. As much as the thought repeated itself in Logan's head it wasn't winning over the part of him that wanted to cry. He rolled his eyes to the ceiling which was blurred by the tears in his own eyes. "Gosh, I wish I knew what to say." He finally said. "Carlos, it's going to be okay." Biggest lie ever.

"It might not." Carlos sniffed. He was ashamed of himself for being so weak but it was too hard to keep the mask on. "Logan, what if you. . ." He couldn't bring himself to complete the sentence.

"I might not you know." Hardly comforting but Logan didn't know what else to say. "Not everyone who has cancer-"

"Don't say it, please." James interrupted. He brushed a hand over his eyes.

"Sorry." Logan said softly. "It'll be okay either way." He told them.

The others wondered how he could even say that. For them, the only way it would okay was if the cancer in Logan went away and never came back. But nobody had the heart to protest him so they smiled a little at how typical it was of Logan to say something so unselfish and comforting.

"Besides," Logan began. "we don't very many details yet. It might not be too bad. Don't get too upset, okay?"

"Oh, Logan." Mrs. Knight sighed. She gently brushed his hair back in a motherly gesture. "You're such a brave kid."

If she only knew how scared he was. If she only knew how talking to girls made him almost as nervous as singing in front of Griffin, or how he still had nightmares sometimes. If only she knew how he had always worried that Big Time Rush wouldn't work out and he'd have to move back to the empty house in Minnesota. Logan Mitchell wasn't brave. But he smiled at her anyway because he sensed it would make her feel better.

"What are you going to do?" Logan was relieved to hear Kendall finally speak again even though it was in that awful, scared little kid voice.

"I don't know yet." He admitted. "I guess all I can do is wait for my. . . for my dad to get here. Then we'll figure something out."

"I can't believe this is actually happening." James said quietly. "I mean, it doesn't make any sense." He bit his lip. "How could you be sick like this, Logan?" He sighed in angry frustration. "Why? It's not fair at all."

"I don't know." Logan said helplessly. What else could he say? Everything happens for a reason? Life's not fair? Those responses were fine if he went for generic and insensitive things like that. But he didn't. He went for open and honest answers and tried to hurt others as little as possible. James' question was impossible to really answer so he told the truth. He had no idea.

**A/N. Meh. I wasn't very happy with this chapter, but whatever. I'm running on four hours of sleep right now. It's not even 8:00 at night and I'm ready for bed. Plus, I'm sick so . . . yeah. ANYWAY, I hope that you guys liked it. Review if you did. I need all the encouragement I can get right now. Chapter nine will be up soon as long as I'm not crushed by the lack of reviews this one gets. It's silly, but I'm lacking severely in the confidence department. So, yeah. Thanks for reading! Ready, set, REVIEW! Peace all!**


	9. Diversion

**A/N. Three things: One, thank you for all the awesome reviews. They make me HAPPY! Two, I am thoroughly ADDICTED to 'Halfway There' by 'BTR'. Seriously. I could go on about it for a few pages but I'll restrain myself. Three, read 'Big Time Quake' by Igettvgeeks. It was just finished today and I wept like a newborn baby. Either that or like a girl whose boyfriend just broke up with her. But I'm 19 and have yet to be asked out on a date. ANYWAY. Yeah. I don't own anything. Read on please. **

He wanted to talk more than anything. Logan had brought up subject after subject only to have them rejected by his friends' short and quiet answers. He understood that they were all still in shock. He was too but he wanted to talk. He hated the heavy silence that sat on them. It reminded him all to well of his "home" back in Minnesota where he tried desperately to talk to his dad about something, anything. But his dad only talked to him when it was necessary and even then barely. This wasn't Minnesota with his dad. It was California with his three best friends. Their present situation was new to them all but Logan knew he would lose it if he had to listen to the silence for much longer.

"Okay guys, listen." He pulled himself up so that he could see his friends better. "I'm not asking that we pretend this isn't happening. But we don't have to talk about it either. We can talk about anything. Like hockey, or _Sherlock Holmes_, or _The Lord of the Rings_, or how hot the nurses are here are really hot. Anything. Whatever you want to talk about. Please, guys." He reined himself in before he said too much and upset them. As it was, he was afraid that he had already gone too far. He was grateful that Mrs. Knight had taken Katie home because he knew that his outburst would have upset them.

"Your nurse looks like Carrie Underwood." Carlos blurted out suddenly. "Did you guys notice that? Logan, are the other nurses just as hot?" He felt a little weird talking about hot girls at a time like this but he understood why Logan was so desperate to talk. He had grown up in a large family and when they moved to Palm Woods, it was very similar to Minnesota. Loud. Carlos felt uncomfortable in the silence and was relieved when Logan begged them to talk.

Logan rewarded him with a wide smile. His eyes lit up and for a little while at least, he looked like he was in perfect health. "I know, right?" He said eagerly. "That's just what I thought when I first saw her. Her name is Peyton."

"Peyton? Aw, man I love that name for a girl." Carlos hadn't even known that Peyton could actually be a girl name until now but he really did love how it sounded. "Peyton. She looks like a Peyton. Either that or a Carrie."

Logan laughed and Carlos brightened at the sound. Even Kendall and James had to perk up a little and smile because Logan had one of the best laughs in the world. It's infectiousness made even random strangers smile when they heard it. "Oh, yeah and in answer to your question, I saw four nurses and all of them were hot."

"Anymore celebrity look-alikes?" Carlos asked hopefully. When they were freshmen in high school they had invented a game in which they tried to find people who looked like celebrities. The thought of even a brief game would make conversation a little easier while it lasted.

Logan nodded and grinned. "Let's see we have Carrie Underwood-"

There's two Carrie Underwoods?" James finally jumped in looking mildly interested in the prospect of two Carrie Underwood look-alikes roaming the halls.

"No!" Logan said laughing again. "I was counting all of them. All right. Let me try again. There's Peyton who looks like Carrie Underwood, Allison who looks like Alexis Bledel, Samantha who looks like Scarlett Johansson, and Layla who looks like a nice and non-scary version of Megan Fox." He finished the list triumphantly and grinned as he waited for his friends' reactions.

Kendall's eyebrows shot up and he stared at Logan. James took out his lucky comb and half-heartedly ran it through his hair. Carlos' jaw simply dropped. "Wow." All tree of them uttered the one syllable word reverently.

Logan nodded solemnly. "I know." He made a face. "Too bad all of them are probably married or at least have boyfriends. Not that it would matter anyway. They're all too old for us."

"But if they weren't. . ." Carlos trailed off and grinned. "I'll take Samantha."

"I get Layla!" James proclaimed. He ran his comb through his hair with a little more enthusiasm this time. He stopped and looked quickly at Logan. "You're sure she's not scary looking?"

Logan nodded. "Not at all." He grinned.

"And she looks nice?" James asked. "Like, not mean?"

Logan nodded again. "That's about it." He assured James.

"Well, I get Allison." Kendall grinned.

"Which leaves Carrie Underwood to me." Logan grinned. "Yes!"

The boys fell silent once more. Even Logan couldn't think of anything that he wanted to talk about. Then Carlos snapped his fingers. "I've got it." He said excitedly. "Name meanings."

James stared at him blankly. "Say what?" He asked in confusion.

"Perfect!" Logan said. "Kendall, didn't your mom leave her laptop here in case we got bored and needed it?" He ignored the fact that Mrs. Knight usually wouldn't anything any of the boys near her laptop because she was absolutely convinced that they would break it.

"Yeah. Here." Kendall handed it over to Logan who quickly booted it up and logged onto the Internet. His fingers tapped the keyboard rapidly for a while, then he stopped and smiled. "Listen to this." He told the others. "The name Logan means "little hollow"." He laughed. "Wow, that's kind of dumb. But it's Scottish and Scotland is probably the best country ever."

"What does my name mean?" James leaned forward in curiosity.

"All right, hang on." Logan bit his lip as he typed in his friend's name. "Supplanter, Representative." he read aloud.

"What the heck?" James exclaimed. "Talk about something that doesn't make any sense. What's a supplanter?"

"Basically to replace something or something else often in a devious way." Logan answered him. "It's Old English by the way."

James shook his head. "I still don't get it. Do Carlos now."

Logan laughed. "It means "man"."

"Nice!" Carlos punched the air with his fist. "See? I'm the man! What's the origin?"

Logan looked at him. "Is that a rhetorical question?" \

"What's rhetorical mean?" Carlos asked making Logan laugh.

"A rhetorical question is something you already know the answer to." Logan raised his eyebrows. "Like you asking me the origin of your name."

"Oh! Portuguese, right?"

"Very good, genius." Logan patted Carlos on the head. "Anyway, let's look up Kendall now." He smirked. "Old English for River Kent Valley."

"I'm not going to even try and understand that." Kendall shook his head.

"This was boring. Let's do name acronyms." Logan was off typing again. "Here we go. Now this should be interesting."

"What's an acronym?" Kendall asked before he could do anything.

Logan sighed. "Just wait and see." He told them. "We'll go backwards this time. Kendall, Carlos, James, and then me. Let's see. Kendall is keen, exciting, neat, dainty, appreciative, loving and loud." He looked over at the other boys. "Get it?"

"Nice." James and Carlos said together.

"I protest being called dainty." Kendall said laughing. "Really?"

"Do me! Do me!" Carlos said eagerly.

"Casual, awkward, rare, lazy, overwhelming, and saintly." Logan shook his head. "Pretty accurate except for the saintly part."

"Hey!" Carlos said grinning. "You see the halo?" He swirled his finger over his head.

"Stolen." Logan said simply. He typed in James before Carlos could insist on his innocence. "Jealous, amazing, misunderstood, easy, and skillful."

"What's up with jealous and misunderstood?" James protested. "Everyone loves me and I have no one to be jealous off!" He laughed, showing the boys that he wasn't entirely serious.

"My turn now." Logan typed his own name into the search engine. "Let's see. I'm loyal, optimistic, great, amazing, and narcissistic."

"What does-" Carlos began.

"It means that you think you're really important and that basically, the world revolves around you." Logan automatically told him.

"Wow." I think the wrongness of that canceled out the others even though they were accurate." Carlos shook his head. "You're like, anti-narcissistic."

"Gee thanks." Logan joked. He sighed and leaned his head back on the pillow, his eyes closed.

"Are you okay?" Carlos asked worriedly. He and James and Kendall stood up and hovered nervously over their friend.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired."

"Are you sure? James looked at the button used to page doctors. "Are you in pain? Maybe we should call a doctor." The others nodded.

"No way!" Logan protested. "I'm only tired right now, that's all."

"Hi, boys." Mrs. Knight walked in,followed by a doctor. She looked incredibly worn-out and worried. "This is Doctor Fitzgerald." She said, nodding to the middle-aged man next to her. "He works night shifts and he'll be taking care of Logan tonight. Doctor, this is my son Kendall, James Diamond, Carlos Garcia, and Logan Mitchell."

"Hello, boys." The doctor greeted them. "Nice to meet you all." He nodded at their return greetings, then focused on Logan. "How are you feeling right now, Logan?"

"Pretty good." Logan began. "I'm-"

"He said he was tired." Kendall interrupted. "Is he okay?"

"Oh yes, of course." Doctor Fitzgerald nodded firmly as he checked Logan's vital signs. "Perfectly understandable. You boys can go home and rest easy tonight."

The three boys stared at the doctor in disbelief. "Go home?" James repeated.

"We're going to stay here with Logan tonight." Kendall argued.

"I'm afraid that's not possible." Doctor Fitzgerald said gently but firmly. "It goes against hospital rules for someone who is not a family member to stay past visiting hours, much less three of you." He nodded at the wall clock. "Visiting hours end at 8:00 and it's almost 10:00. We allowed you to stay this long so Logan could get settled in."

"Yeah, but. . ." Kendall racked his mind frantically for an argument that would override hospital protocol. "Mom, please!"

"Kendall, I'm sorry but there's nothing we can do." Mrs. Knight put a hand on her son's shoulder. "Besides, there's nowhere for you three to sleep."

"That doesn't matter though!" Carlos pleaded. "We can sleep in the chairs or on the floor."

Mrs. Knight shook her head. "I'm sorry boys but I want you in your own beds anyway. You need your rest."

"No way." Kendall said stubbornly. "We're not leaving Logan." James and Carlos nodded in agreement.

"Guys," Logan broke in before the argument could escalate. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. The doctors and nurses will take care of me."

"But Logan-" Kendall started.

"Kendall, seriously." Logan stopped him. "Just go home and get some sleep. You can come back tomorrow."

"Visiting hours start at 8:00 in the morning." Doctor Fitzgerald said helpfully.

"Boys, we'll come right back tomorrow morning, okay? I promise."

"Listen to your mom, Kendall." Logan sighed. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here tomorrow, okay?" He forced a smile. "Besides, I don't want to have to deal with you three when you're all cranky from sleeping on the floor."

Kendall looked down at his shoes and swallowed. "Okay." He finally said. "Come on guys." Not caring if his mom and the doctor were watching he hugged Logan. Tears filled his eyes when he realized how much weight Logan had lost the past few weeks. It hadn't been noticeable until now. He stepped back and let James and Carlos hug Logan too. Them saying their goodbyes, they left.

The car ride back to Palm Woods was quiet except for an occasional sniff. Carlos stared out the window and watched the buildings fly by. James leaned his head back on the seat and closed his eyes but didn't fall asleep. Kendall kept his eyes on the car floor.

When they reached their apartment, Kelly opened the door for them. Immediately, she threw her arms around each boy and cried. "I'm so sorry." She told them. Pulling away, she wiped tears from her eyes. "How is he?"

"Tired. That's pretty much it right now." Carlos informed her.

"Gustavo and I are going to stop the hospital sometime this week." Kelly said. "We don't want to come at the wrong time so we'll wait and see." She gave them all hugs again. "Hang in there." She whispered. "Logan's a tough kid." She and Mrs. Knight hugged.

"Thanks for watching Katie." Mrs. Knight said. "How was she?"

"She was having a hard time." Kelly told her honestly. "I think she cried herself to sleep."

Mrs. Knight sighed sadly. "Thank you." She said again.

"Okay." Kelly nodded and gave them a small smile. "All right, I'd better be going. Call tomorrow if you get the chance. And let me know if you need anything." She left then, and the boys silently got quick showers and went in their rooms.

Kendall saw his hockey bad sitting neatly by the foot of his bag. Mike must have dropped it off. It was the kind of thing he would do even though Palm Springs was twenty minutes out of his way. Kendall wondered if he knew about Logan. He lay across his bed and closed his eyes. Tears made their way silently down his face and he fell into an uneasy sleep.

James walked in his room and collapsed on his bed. He stared up at the ceiling and tried to find the shapes in the ransom markings. But it was hard to look for something when tears blurred your eyesight and James have up on a distraction and closed his eyes, eventually drifting off into sleep.

Carlos closed the door behind him and leaned against the door for a moment as he struggled to get his bearings. He pressed a fist to his mouth and bit his knuckles until they bled slightly. He stumbled to the window and closed the shades. Then he turned the fan on high and fell into hid bed. He covered his head with a pillow and muffled his sobs. Finally, sleep took him.

Logan watched his friends reluctantly leave. He was so fortunate to have three best friends like Kendall, James, and Carlos. They would have stayed in a heartbeat if they had been allowed. And truthfully, Logan had wanted them to stay. Hospitals scared him. But it was a selfish wish and he was both sad and relieved to see them finally leave. They didn't need to suffer more than they already had. Logan closed his eyes and did his best to think of anything but the hospital. But his emotions that he had carefully held in check for so long finally got the better of him.

Boys aren't supposed to cry. It's a sign of weakness. If you were a guy and you cried at school, no one would ever let you forget it. When you're a boy, you're the protector and you look out for the girls who were the emotional ones. If crying was an absolutely necessity than it must be done in solitude. And so that night, alone in their rooms, Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan all cried themselves to sleep.

**A/N. I will not be a bit surprised if there are a bunch of errors in this chapter. It's 4:00AM right now. New record, yahoo! Wow, okay. Before I go, I want to thank Ammy14K for all of her corrections. Yes, the nurse's name is Peyton NOT Jackie. Lol. Oh, and BIG thanks to Igettvgeeks (yes, the one who made me cry) for reviewing every single chapter tonight and all the wonderful and kind words. I cried a little more. ANYWAY, I'm going to update as soon as possible, okay? All right. Review if you liked it please. PEACE!**


	10. Forgiveness

**A/N. How are the best people on FF today? I just want to say that I love reading all of your reviews over and over again. They make me really happy. On the down side, I'm beginning to think that I'm suffering from exhaustion from the lack of sleep I've been getting lately. When I get really into a story, I either write a lot at night or early morning, or I lay awake thinking of what I'm going to do next. This story has me by the collar and shows no sign of letting me go. But that's all worth it when I read your reviews so keep them coming! Please read on. I don't own anything.**

Ryan Mitchell stared out of the taxi-cab window at the bright blue California sun. Palm trees whizzed by and he even caught a brief glimpse of the white sand and the ocean. People walked around in shorts and tank tops to make the stifling heat more bearable. He tugged at the neck of his long sleeved-shirt wishing he had thought to bring something cooler to wear once he got off the plane. But it had been 4o degrees in Minnesota and he hadn't been able to think of anything but getting to Logan as soon as possible.

Logan. Ryan sighed heavily. He had failed as a parent to his only son. When his wife died to the car accident eleven years ago he had been hit with an enormous wave of grief. He let the grief take him and pull him and Logan farther and father apart until an ocean of unspoken words and broken promises lay between them. Logan had tried for years to build a bridge over the waters that lay between them but Ryan just buried himself deeper into his work as a lawyer and pushed his son even further away. He went on business trips every two weeks and spent every waking hour either in his office at home or in the courtroom. Finally Logan had just stopped trying. He started spending more and more time at his friends' houses and even stopped trying to bringing up conversations with his dad on the rare occasion the two did see each other.

When Logan told him about the four boys auditioning in front of Gustavo Rocque and how the record producer finally being convinced by Kendall that they were a team, Ryan had showed little interest until Logan told him that they would be going to California. He hadn't even asked his permission. "So, we're gonna go to California to record a CD." Logan had told him. Ryan briefly thought that it was unusual for Logan to be outright disrespectful but he didn't protest. In fact, he welcomed the move as an excuse to bury himself deeper into his work. He rarely called his son and after a few unreturned calls, Logan stopped calling him completely.

For eleven years Ryan had pushed his son away. And now he was losing him too. Ryan leaned forward in his seat and rested his forehead on the back of the passenger seat in the front of the cab. He would have given anything in the world to take back the last eleven years and start all over again. But wishing for something like that didn't make the present a horrible real life nightmare.

"Here we are, sir." The driver's voice interrupted Ryan's inner turmoil and he looked up to see the tall white building. "Lakewood General Hospital."

"Thank you." Ryan paid the driver and grabbed his one bag from the trunk. He watched for a minute as the cab drove away then looked down at his watch. 6:23AM. He hadn't slept since the night before last. As soon as he got a call from the hospital in California he had bought a ticket on the first plane he could find that was flying from Minnesota to California. He was hoping that it was nothing serious but then when he got the second call. . . He shook his head and walked into the hospital.

His eyes roamed the lobby and rested on the women behind the front desk. She looked tired and frazzled but smiled politely when he approached. "Can I help you, sir?" She asked him helpfully.

"My name is Ryan Mitchell." He stopped, uncertain of how to proceed. "My son Logan is here."

"All right, let me check on the computer." Her fingers flew as she typed the names in and then waited for the results to load. When the page came up, Ryan saw a fleeting look of sadness cross her face as she saw where his son was. She cleared her throat and looked back up at him. "He's on the third floor, room 221. I'll page the doctor for you."

She picked up her own pager and spoke into. "Doctor Fitzgerald? Logan Mitchell's father is here." Setting the page back down she looked back up at him. "The doctor should be right down. He'll take you to your son."

"Thank you." Ryan managed to say. He walked over to a nearby chair and collapsed into it, his emotions, lack of sleep, and jet-lag were catching up to him.

As the woman at the front desk said, it wasn't long before a doctor walked into the lobby. "Mr. Mitchell?" He asked as Ryan stood up. He held out his hand and Ryan shook it. "I'm Doctor Harold Fitzgerald. I work as the night shift doctor in the oncology ward here. Please come with me."

The two men walked down halls and into elevators and out of elevators and down more halls. Ryan had really no idea where they were going and wondered if he should have been taking note so he could find his way again.

"How is he?" He finally asked, afraid to hear the answer.

"He's doing well." Doctor Fitzgerald told him. "It's a bit early in the diagnosis to really tell but right now he's just tired. It's perfectly normal for the first stage."

"First stage." Ryan repeated. "You mean it's not bad yet?" He was afraid to hope that things weren't as bad as they seemed and then have that hope crushed later on.

"No," The doctor said slowly. "But with AML, the patient can worsen rather quickly."

"I see." Ryan said faintly. The two men walked in silence until they reached Logan's room. With an encouraging smile, Doctor Fitzgerald left, promising the other man that the day shift doctor would be coming to talk to them in a few hours. Ryan was grateful that he and Logan would be along for a while. He opened the door slowly.

Logan was sound asleep in bed. To Ryan's relief, he didn't look nearly as bad as he had feared. He was a little pale especially considering the fact that he had been living in sunny California for months, and there were dark circles under his eyes as well. He also looked a little thinner since Ryan had last seen him but he didn't resemble any of the ghost-like skeletons that Ryan had seen in the other rooms.

He crossed the room silently and sat down next to Logan's bed. He stared wordlessly at his son, the only reminder he had of his wife. Logan looked like Rachel so much. He had her dark eyes and hair and dimples. His mannerisms were similar too. Quiet, sensitive, gentle, thoughtful, and funny. Even as a toddler it was obvious that Logan had inherited his mother's dry humor. Ryan wasn't sure if he had let go of Logan so easily because he reminded him of Rachel so much, or because Ryan saw nothing of himself in his son.

"Dad?" Ryan's heart broke at the sound of Logan's voice. How long had he tried to ignore that sound. His blue eyes met Logan's brown eye. Logan smiled. "Hi."

Tears filled Ryan's eyes. He had been a major failure as a parent. He had hurt his son badly and Logan every right to hate him. But as he sat up in the hospital bed and leaned into his father's embrace, somehow, without a word between them, both knew all was forgiven.

****

When James first woke up, he wondered if he was getting sick. His head was pounding and his throat felt sore. He felt drained and exhausted which was really unusual. Maybe he was catching Logan's cold.

Logan. James felt like he had been punched in the stomach. The events of yesterday and last night came rushing back to him in one nightmarish memory. Logan collapsing on the ice. Logan being loaded onto the stretcher. The doctors taking Logan away. Logan in his hospital bed. Logan.

James sat up and wrapped his arms around his middle. Logan had cancer. Logan was dying. No, no, no, no, no. Not Logan. Why Logan? Why was this happening? James squeezed his eyes shut tight and let the tears roll down his face. It wasn't fair. Nothing about this whole thing was fair. Logan didn't deserve this.

He stood slowly up and walked into the bathroom. The face staring back at him cringed. His face was a pale and blotchy. His eyes were so swollen and red that it was appalling. His hair which hadn't had a good combing since yesterday morning was worse than simple bed-hair. Maybe helmet-hair and bed-hair rolled into one along with a good dose of James running his hand anxiously though it while they waited at the hospital.

"I can't let the others see me like this." He muttered. He couldn't be weak right now. His friends, especially Logan, needed him. "You have no right to cry." He said to his reflection. "You're not the one who is sick." He splashed cold water on his face and dried off. As he combed his hair he glared at himself in the mirror. "No crying. Put your brave face on."

Kendall stared at the ceiling fan whirl around and around. He had no idea what day it was or what time it was. He didn't really care. Dimly he heard James moving around in his room and knew that he should probably get up. But moving seemed so difficult.

"You're such a baby." He scolded himself. "Get up. Mom and Katie need you. James and Carlos need you. Logan needs you. What kind of friend are you going to be if you just lie awake crying and feeling sorry for yourself?"

The "pep-talk" seemed to work as well as anything. Kendall dragged himself off the bed and shuffled into the bathroom. He showered quickly and brushed his teeth all the while ordering himself to stop being such a weak cry baby. He was needed.

Carlos was looking out his room window at the goings on at Palm Woods. It was only 7:00 but it was already bustling with activity. The Jennifers were sunbathing, Tyler was hiding behind a palm tree while his star-struck mother searched in vain, and. . . Camille was prancing around the pool dressed in what Carlos could only assume was an Annie Oakley costume.

How were they going to tell Camille about Logan? Carlos hadn't even thought of her until this morning. She was going to be absolutely crushed, that much he knew. She had fallen for Logan the first day the boys had arrived at Palm Woods. Logan, naturally, was completely clueless for the longest time but gradually he began to talk to a aspiring actress more often even though he often stumbled over his words and blushed while he did. But Camille loved everything about him, including his shy awkwardness around girls. The three boys constantly teased Logan about Camille even though he insisted that they were "just friends". They all knew what Logan really thought about Camille.

It was funny how quickly things could change. In the blink of an eye he had gone from teasing Logan about his "girlfriend", to wondering how on Earth he was going to tell Camille that the boy she thought the world of was seriously ill.

He forgot all about getting dressed and walked out of his room still dressed in his pajamas. Of course, his pajamas could really pass as very casual clothes. Sweat pants and an over-sized cotton T-shirt were good for sleeping and for a down day.

James and Kendall were already sitting at the kitchen table staring into their bowls of cereal. Katie picked at her piece of toast and took a sip of orange juice every once in a while. Mrs. Knight watched them worriedly.

"Carlos, hurry up and get ready so we can go to the hospital." James' voice sounded really strange. It was hoarse and wobbly. He and Kendall looked like they hadn't slept all night. Not that Carlos had slept very well.

"Boys, Logan's dad called a little while ago." Mrs. Knight told them. The three boys jerked to attention and waited for her to go on.

"What did _he_ want?" Kendall frowned at the mention of Mr. Mitchell.

"He's in the hospital with Logan now." Mrs. Knight chose to ignore the dark looks from all three boys. "He asked that we come sometime after lunch."

"You're kidding." James exclaimed. "He hasn't paid attention to Logan in years. We've been Logan's family more than him. Does he seriously think that he can just pretend everything is okay? That the past eleven years of ignoring his own son never happened?"

"James," Mrs. Knight stopped his torrent of angry words with a hand on his shoulder. "Logan and his dad are going to talk some things over with the doctors this morning."

"But you said we could go as soon as visiting hours started!" Kendall protested. "Why does he have to ruin everything?"

"Kendall sweetie, this is important and you know that. I promise that I'll take you as soon as Logan's dad calls again."

"He's _not_ Logan's dad." Kendall shoved his chair away and stood up. James followed suit. "He messed up too bad."

"Kendall-" Mrs. Knight began.

"Forget it, Mom. Please?" The fire died from Kendall's eyes and he looked tired. "I'm gonna take a walk. Coming guys?"

"Carlos hasn't eaten." Mrs. Knight said gently.

Carlos took a banana from the fruit basket and gave her a small smile. "I'll eat while I walk." He assured her. When she returned his smile, the three boys left the apartment.

"Where are we going?" James asked Kendall.

The other boy shrugged. "I don't know. I just wanted to get away. My mom keeps looking at me like I'm going to break or something."

Carlos took a bit of his banana and threw the rest out. It was nearly impossible to swallow food around the lump in his throat. "I know where we could go."

**A/N. Sleep. . . I need . . . sleep. Oh man. 3:15AM is not pretty. At least I don't have anything to do tomorrow. So, what did you guys think? Love it? Hate it? Need tissues? Let me know by reviewing. Oh, and if you have expert fan music video making skills I've been envisioning 'Big Time Rush to Glee's version of 'Keep Holding On'. I would make it myself but I have no clue what to do. ANYWAY, once again review if you enjoyed it because reviews are what makes this story go. Update coming soon. Love you all! Peace! **


	11. Breaking

**A/N. WOW 100 REVIEWS! You guys are the best! Thank you so much! ANYWAY, funny story about submitting a chapter at 3AM: I kept resubmitting chapter 9 by accident and had no idea why there were two chapter nines in a row. I was like, "WHERE'S CHAPTER TEN! WHAT'S THE MATTER!" And then I realized what I was doing. . . Anyway, I don't own anything so read on.**

Camille Sanders sighed as she looked around the poor area. No one was in the mood to see her perform today. Maybe they all thought it was too early for Annie Oakley. She shook her head. It was never too early for drama. She wished the boys of Big Time Rush would wake up. They always paid attention to her. Kendall because he had resigned himself to the fact that they would inevitably run into each other, James because he understood her need to act, and Carlos because he though she was hysterical. Logan. . . she hadn't quite figured out Logan yet.

Logan. Just the thought of the smart, bookish member of Big Time Rush made Camille's heart beat a little faster. She loved everything about him. His hair, his eyes, his smile, his laugh, the way he panicked when things didn't go according to plan. Although he had been painfully shy and maybe even a little frightened around her, Logan had finally started to warm-up to Camille. When he was around his friends and they were talking to her, he was at ease and comfortable. But when the two were alone, he stammered and blushed in the most adorable way. Then he would get embarrassed and self-consciously rub the back of his neck in a gesture she had come to love.

She gave up the Annie Oakley act for the time being and sat down in the shade, thinking about Big Time Rush. Kendall was the leader of the group. One of Camille's favorite things about him was that he refused to be Hollywood fake. He constantly insisted on "being real" which was a rare and attractive quality in a guy. But Camille didn't feel the same way around Kendall that she felt around Logan. Besides, her best friend Jo Tarver liked Kendall and the two had slowly began to move into a tentative relationship.

James was like the brother she never had. Her twin even. Camille smiled when she thought of the time she had dragged him into an audition for a movie about witches. She told him over and over again to be prepared for the rejection that might come. Ironically, she had been the one to be rejected and even though James had told her that they had said no to him as well, Camille heard him telling the other boys later that he had actually gotten the part but refused it because he felt sorry for him. She learned that day that James wasn't as self-absorbed as she had originally though him to be.

Carlos was just a lot of fun. He loved telling jokes and playing pranks and getting into trouble. He was almost never serious but when one of his friends was being made fun of or ragged on by Gustavo, he was always quick to defend them. Most of the time he could seem like the youngest of the band because of his immaturity. However when they needed him, Carlos was like the big brother of the group and if anyone had hurt one of the other guys, they had better watch out.

"Hey, Camille."

Camille smiled at her best friend. "Hi, Jo. What's up?"

"Nothing. My alarm went off early for no reason today so I decided to get up. It's a great day anyway." Jo pulled her sun streaked blonde hair off her neck into a pony tail. "What are you up to?"

"I was practicing for an audition as Annie Oakley for a commercial for that Wild West amusement park. Nobody was in the mood though. I was just thinking."

"About Logan?" Jo guessed teasingly.

Camille blushed. "Yeah, kind of. About all of the boys really. But mostly Logan I guess." She pulled the warm cotton shirt away from her. "Whew, I just realized how hot it is today. You wanna go for a swim?"

"How about we go to the beach today?" Jo suggested. "Unless your audition is today."

Camille's eyes lit up at the idea. "Great idea. The audition isn't for another few days so let's go. Meet you in the lobby in ten minuets?" She was already walking backwards to her apartment looking at Jo so she could hear her answer over the noisy group of kids in the pool.

"Okay. See you in ten!" Jo and Camille hurried to their apartments to change into bathing suits and grab sturdy pairs of flip-flops for the short walk. When they met in exactly ten minutes, each girl was wearing a pair of sunglasses and a colorful sun dress over her bathing-suit. "Sweet, let's go!" Jo said happily.

As they turned to walk out the door, Camille spotted a familiar figure walking towards them. "Hey, isn't that Carlos?" She asked Jo. "Wow, he's up early today."

"James and Kendall are with him." Jo pointed out. "Hey where's Logan?"

Camille shrugged. "I don't know." She tried to push the sudden uneasy feeling that came over her but when the boys turned to see her and Jo she knew something was wrong. The three of them looked terrible. Their faces were pale and they walked slowly like they barely had any energy. But it wasn't either of those things that frightened Camille most. It was the matching looks of devastation on their faces. She dropped her beach bag and rushed over to meet the followed closely by Jo.

"Where's Logan?" She demanded her voice shaking. When she saw their reactions to her question she knew that they were upset over something to do with Logan and that scared her even more. "James?" She asked her voice rising in panic. "What's wrong?"

"Camille-" James began. His voice was weary and full of sadness. "Jo, you girls should maybe come with us. We've got something to tell you."

"What is it?" Camille clung to James' arm as the boys led her and Jo over to a secluded area in front of the hotel. "James, what's going on? Where's Logan?"

"Camille, just sit down okay?" Carlos grasped her by the shoulders and gently eased her into a chair. Jo sat down silently beside her and held her hand tightly.

The three boys sat down across from them. Camille noticed with another rush of panic that their eyes were red. They had been crying. Crying over something to do with Logan. She knew it.

"Camille." Kendall began after a brief silence. "Jo." He added the other girls name suddenly as if he had just realized that she was there. He tried to look both of them in the eyes but couldn't hold their gaze and dropped his head down to stare at the table top in front of him. "Logan-" His voice broke and his eyes filled with tears. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Logan's in the hospital."

Camille stood up so fast that she sent the Palm Woods brochures that were sitting on the table, fluttering to the floor. "What?" She gasped. "What do you mean? Is he hurt? What happened? When did this happen?"

"Camille, listen." Carlos sat her down again. He held her free hand with both of his and looked at her. She felt another chill of free at the. . . pain in Carlos' eyes. The sadness in them was so strong she could barely hold his gaze. "Do you remember how Logan hasn't been feeling very well lately?" All she could do was stare at him and nod.

Carlos bit his lip. A tear slid down his cheek and Camille started crying too. She didn't know what was wrong exactly but she did know that it had to be awful if Carlos was upset enough to cry. He took a deep breath. "Yesterday at the hockey rink, Logan passes out."

Camille heard Jo gasp but she couldn't turn away from Carlos. She saw James and Kendall over his shoulders. They were struggling not to cry but it was a losing battle.

Carlos sniffed and squeezed her hand. "We called 911 and an ambulance came and took him to the hospital." He stopped unsure of how to tell her.

"What is it?" Camille pleaded.

"Logan. . . Logan has leukemia, Camille. Cancer." Carlos pulled her into a tight hug.

She leaned into his embrace unable to say, do, or even think anything. She felt like she had been slapped in the face. She heard Jo behind her start to cry and saw Kendall hug her out of the corner of her eye. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be real. But she knew it was real and she started sobbing uncontrollably into Carlos' shoulder.

James sat frozen on the couch. Kendall was hugging Jo and Carlos was hugging Camille. They were only a couple feet away from him but it felt like he was staring at them through a wall of glass and he wouldn't be able to touch them if he tried.

He crossed his arms and rested his head on his knees. He felt so alone and tired and old. He wanted this to be a nightmare so badly. When he was just five years old, he had come up with a brilliant plan to get rid of bad dreams. Whenever he was in the middle of a dream, all he had to do was say, "Go away, Bad Dream. Boo!" It worked every time. He always woke up. James shut his eyes tightly. "Go away, Bad Dream. Boo!" His whispered just in case. But without opening his eyes he could tell that it hadn't worked. Camille and Jo were still crying.

Finally he couldn't take it. He stood up so fast that he got dizzy but he managed to steady himself without falling on top of the others. He heard someone calling his name dimly. "I'm. . . I'm going for a walk." He mumbled. He felt like he was moving in a trance as he stumbled from the lobby. The bright sunshine nearly blinded him at first but James kept walking.

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed people giving him concerned looks but he didn't stop. When he made it out of the hotel parking lot he broke into a run. He didn't know where he was going. His legs moved of their own accord. He had always liked to run. It was good exercise after all. But today, James ran faster than he had ever in his entire life. The scenery past in a blur. A sharp pain shot through his side but he ignored it. He ran and ran until he couldn't breath anymore. He stopped and collapsed onto the grass. He threw up the little breakfast he had eaten and gasped for breath.

James realized that he was at a park but he had no idea what park it was. He was thankful that no one else was around to see him in such a state. He started crying again. Tears streamed down his face and the sobs were coming so violently that he was breathless all over again.

He heard footsteps approaching rapidly and suddenly a strong pair of arms gripped him by the shoulders. He felt another pair holding on too. "I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry." Carlos' words were broken and scared.

"James, please." Kendall begged. His voice was shaking as he tried to get James to calm down. "Breath, James." His friend's face had the slightest tinge of purple to it as he struggled to breath between his sobs.

Finally, Carlos thumped James on the back, desperate for him to inhale again. James coughed and sputtered and oxygen made it to his lungs again. He took deep breaths and struggled to calm himself down.

"James, are you okay? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Carlos' voice was still panicked as he looked worriedly at his friend.

James shook his head. "No, I'm not." He said quietly. "I can't be okay." He was no longer sobbing but tears rolled down his cheeks as he looked at his friends. "I tried to pretend. I tried to be strong. But I can't pretend anymore. It hurts to much."

Kendall's eyes blurred. "Me neither." He said quietly. "I tried too, James. I thought I needed to be strong for everyone but I just can't do it anymore."

Carlos didn't say anything but both the boys knew that he too had been struggling to wear a mask in front of everyone and the mask had fallen away. All that was left was brokenness and fear.

**A/N. Sorry it's so short and depressing. Gosh, I'm depressing myself. Everyone have some tissues. I have plenty, believe me. Thank you for all the reviews. Keep them coming!**


	12. Broken

**A/N. Thanks again for all the spectacular reviews. They really keep this writer going! I'm too tired to blab about anything so read on. I don't own anything.**

"Logan, I'm Doctor Steven Walsh." A tall, blonde man who looked to be in his mid-thirties walked into Logan's hospital room and introduced himself. "You're Logan's father, I assume?" He shook Mr. Mitchell's hand. "All right, why don't we sit down and talk about treatment for a little while." Doctor Walsh pulled a chair closer to Logan's bed and gestured for Ryan Mitchell to sit down as well.

"How does the treatment process work?" Mr. Mitchell asked right away.

"Well, generally for patients with AML there can be a large number of leukemia cells in their blood when they're first diagnosed. Since the chemotherapy may take a few days to start having any effect we usually rely on a procedure called leukapheresis to lower the blood count right away." Doctor Walsh handed Logan's dad a handful of pamphlets about AML as he spoke.

Ryan glanced over the pamphlets and set them aside so he could focus fully on the doctor's words. "How does this leukapheresis procedure work?"

Doctor Walsh pushed his glasses further up his nose. "Basically, we insert a needle into the patient's arm, a vein to be exact. Logan's blood will pass through a machine that removes the white blood cells, including the leukemia cells, and then return to the body. The effect only lasts for a short while but it gives us some time while we wait for the chemotherapy to work."

"We the officially move into the first stage of treatment called, remission induction. All that means is that Logan will go through intense chemotherapy treatment that should last about a week. Unfortunately, since during chemo, the patient's blood cell counts will be dangerously low, Logan will stay in the hospital during this treatment and for a couple weeks after. If the chemo is successful, no leukemia cells with be found in Logan's blood."

"But what if there are still leukemia cells after the treatment?" Ryan asked. He hated to sound so pessimistic but fear made him ask the question.

"Induction is successful about 40% to 80% in AML patients. If it isn't successful then we repeat the process." Doctor Walsh sighed. "However even if the procedure is a success it rarely removes _all_ of the cancer cells.Logan will continue to need treatment or the leukemia will return."

"What kind of treatment do you mean by that?" Logan's father tried not to panic at the thought of Logan's cancer leaving and then returning as if to permanently dash all hope. Instead he focused on what the doctor was saying at the present.

"There are three main options for you and Logan to consider." The doctor held up three fingers as he listed them. "Several cycles of a strong chemotherapy called cytarabine, allogeneic stem cell treatment, and autologous stem cell treatment."

Ryan struggled to keep up with the medical terms which, judging by the understanding in his face, Logan understood. "I'm sorry, could you explain those in a little more detail please?"

"Of course." Doctor Walsh said reassuringly. "The chemotherapy is a more intense form of the chemotherapy Logan will be receiving during the first stage of his treatment. He'll be given very high doses of the drug about five times a week at four week intervals. Usually there will be about four of these cycles do you're looking at several months."

"Stem cell treatments involve patients being given high doses of chemo to kill all the bone marrow cells. Once this happens there are two ways to proceed. For a allogeneic stem cell treatment, we'll need a donor, typically a brother or a sister. But since Logan is an only child we'd probably go in the direction of autologous stem cell treatment."

Doctor Walsh stopped to make sure the two were still following him. Then he continued. "Now, stem cell treatments show to be more effective in fighting the leukemia than the chemotherapy. However, they also include serious risks such as death."

"Death?" Ryan repeated. "You're supposed to be making him better, not killing him." He couldn't help saying the words, he had been so shocked by all the doctor had said. It was hard to find any of the confusing medical terms comforting.

"Dad, they're trying." Logan finally spoke up. "There's no clear way how to go about this. Stem cell treatments are more effective but they're also a lot riskier." He caught the doctor's surprised look. "I once considered being a doctor." He explained. "Last year I wrote an entire research paper on the different forms of cancer and treatments for patients."

"Very impressive." Doctor Walsh said, secretly wondering if it was a blessing or a curse that the boy knew so much about his disease. Ignorance is bliss after all. He turned to Mr. Mitchell who looked completely lost. "I would personally advise starting with the chemotherapy. If the cancer returns in less than six months then we might be best off with a stem cell treatment if we can find a donor. As risky as it is, Logan is young and otherwise healthy."

"What if it comes back after six months?" Ryan asked, wishing they didn't have to talk about it coming back at all.

"Then we'd probably go back to more chemotherapy." Doctor Walsh answered. "Though the treatments probably won't last as long as they did the first time." He glanced over hid notes and rubbed his nose, deep in thought. "Right now we're only looking at the year ahead and no further. However, if the cancer continues to come back then you might want to consider alternative treatment options. But for now, I suggest that we focus on the present and start with chemotherapy."

Ryan nodded trying to gather in all the information he had just received. "Should we make a decision now?" He asked uncertainty. It was all happening so fast.

"No, certainly not." Doctor Walsh shook his head. "This is a choice you need to consider with great care. But I would like to have your decision by tomorrow morning."

Logan's father nodded wearily. "Yes of course. Tomorrow. Thank you."

"Of course. Do you have any other questions?" Doctor Walsh stood up.

"Yeah, um I don't know how to say this. I don't want to sound ungrateful or rude." Logan hesitated but at the doctor's encouraging nod, he blurted out his question. "Are you going to be my regular doctor or am I going to have a different one every day. Because you're the third one already and. . ." He faltered. "I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize, Logan. Your question is perfectly understandable." Doctor Walsh smiled. "In answer to your question, I will be your regular doctor, Logan. There will be other doctors and nurses looking in at you during the night but I'll be here for you and my other patients everyday, okay?"

Logan nodded grateful for the assurance that he would have some consistency while he was sick. "Thank you."

"My pleasure. I have some other patients to see but if you need something, call either me or another doctor or nurse and someone will be able to help you." He walked towards the door. "I'll check in on you myself in a little while."

Logan and his father thanked him once more before his disappeared down the hall. When he had gone. Ryan turned to Logan. "Well? Do you have any thoughts?" He knew that as the parent of someone who was still a minor, he had the final say in the decision making but he still wanted to hear Logan's opinion as well.

Logan sighed and took some time to think about it. "I think. . ." He began slowly. "That we should go with chemotherapy to start with. It just makes the most sense. What about you?" He looked at his father curiously.

"I'm leaning towards chemotherapy, yes." Ryan admitted. "But it's a big decision to make so let's take the time we have. Does that sound all right to you?"

Logan nodded. "Yup. Makes perfect sense."

"Okay then." Ryan sighed. "Can I get you anything? Are you feeling sick or anything?"

Logan shook his head. "No, I feel pretty good." He was silent for a minute. "Dad?" He finally ventured.

"What is it, Logan?" Ryan asked quickly as he prepared to get whatever his son needed. "What do you want?"

Logan hesitated, not wanting to hurt his father's feelings with his request. But Ryan insisted so he finally spoke up. "My friends."

_MEANWHILE. . ._

Carlos lay in the grass at the park. He felt physically and emotionally exhausted. He and Kendall had chased after James for nearly five miles before their friend had finally collapsed under the shade of a huge oak tree. He had terrified Carlos when he fell to his knees struggling for air between sobs. The fact that he had been running as if for his life hadn't helped either. It was desperation that made Carlos thump him on the back like he was a choking victim. James' face had started turning blue when Carlos finally acted and he himself had nearly collapsed in relief when he heard James take in lungfuls of air.

Now he and Kendall lay quietly nearby as they stared up at the clouds. James had calmed down a great deal but Carlos couldn't help thinking that maybe he had almost lost James there. He closed his eyes and took a steadying breath. It felt so good to be out in the open air. He had spent so much time yesterday breathing in the closed off air in buildings that he was beginning to feel stifled and almost claustrophobic.

He realized that he hadn't been the only one to put on a brave face. He also realized how dangerous it had been for all of them to keep their emotions locked up inside while they foolishly tried to take care of everyone else. Carlos resolved not to let anyone, including himself, do that from this point onward. Because sooner or later, that person would fall hard like James had. Carlos never wanted to see something like that happen ever again.

James breathed steadily. The morning's events were all a blur to him. He remembered Kendall getting angry at his mom and he and Carlos following him as he stormed out of the apartment. Next, Carlos had glumly suggested that they go tell Camille and Jo. The clearest memories he had were of Carlos breaking the news to the two girls and both of them bursting into shocked tears. He also vividly remembered feeling isolated from his friends while Kendall hugged Jo and Carlos hugged Camille. Running the five miles to the park was another blur and so was being unable to breath. But he did remember telling Kendall and Carlos that he couldn't pretend anymore and the confession had lifted a huge weight off of his shoulders.

The peace and quiet of the empty park was a welcome change to the constant bustle of the hospital and Palm Woods. He could actually hear himself think. It was hard to think though. He was scared. Terrified actually. One of his best friends in the entire world had a life-threatening disease. He was. . . dying. But James knew that he wasn't alone. Kendall, Carlos, and even Logan were right there with him.

Kendall lay in the grass and considered what they should do next. When James had first run off, he had completely forgotten about Camille and Jo. All he could think of was that James clearly needed someone and that someone needed to be him and Carlos. But now that the initial scare was over, Kendall knew that they had to go back to Palm Woods. But he was reluctant to shatter the fragile peace that has settled over them.

Finally, he worked up the courage. "Guys?" He said softly. Carlos and James turned to face him. "I think. . . I think we'd better go back to Palm Woods."

Carlos looked quickly over at James who to their relief nodded and sat up. He stood up himself and reached down to help pull Kendall up. "Do you want to call your mom? It'd take quicker if she came to pick us up and she might be worried."

Kendall shook his head. "I don't have my phone." He told them. "What about you guys?" They too, shook their heads. Neither of them said anything but they were all thinking that if Logan were there, he would have his cell phone with him. Instead Kendall shrugged and turned to face off in the direction to Palm Woods. "All right, I guess we'd better start walking.

It was an uneventful walk back to Palm Woods. When they got there, they noticed that though there were still plenty of people hanging around in the lobby and out by the pool, that it was unusually quiet. No doubt that despite their best efforts to avoid attracting as much attention as possible, they had alerted some by-standers and now everyone was wondering what was going on.

"It's after lunch, we should be allowed to go to the hospital by now." Kendall said quietly. "Let's go ask my mom and then we can go find Jo and Camille. They'll probably want to come with us."

"Do you think he's allowed to have so many visitors at one time?" Carlos asked uncertainly.

"Who cares?" James murmured. "What do they want us to do? Stand outside his room in a line and wait our turn? Maybe five minute sessions?"

"James is right." Kendall said. '"Screw the stupid hospital rules. Logan needs us. All he had right now is his dad and you both know what that's been like all these years."

The boys reached their apartment and walked inside. Katie was eating a peanut better and jelly sandwich while Mrs. Knight poured herself another cup of coffee and ate from a bowl of fruit on the counter.

"Boys, you're back." She said in relief. "Just in time too. Mr. Mitchell called and said that Logan can have visitors now."

"Oh, did he now." Kendall said sarcastically. "Gee it's so nice of him to give us permission to so see his son who we've spent more time around than he ever has."

"All right, Kendall. That's enough." Mrs. Knight set her coffee cup down and looked sternly at her son. "Now, I know how you feel about Logan's dad and quite frankly, I don't blame you. But he's trying to make things right now and you need to respect him for that."

"Why should we?" Kendall couldn't help asking.

"Because I swear, if there are any problems from either of you with Mr. Mitchell then I'm not letting you see Logan." She winced slightly at the boys' stricken looks but she held firm all the same. "I think we all need to given Logan's dad another chance whether he deserves it or not." She said softly.

"And what if he doesn't?" Kendall challenged, unwilling to simply accept Logan's father back into the picture as if there had never been a problem. "What if he leaves and hurts Logan all over again? What then?"

"Kendall, if that happens I promise I will call Child Protective Services and we will adopt Logan."

Kendall hadn't expected her to say that at all and he was speechless for a moment. He stared at his mother but he knew without asking that she was perfectly serious. Unable to do or say anything else he nodded silently.

Mrs. Knight hugged them all. "Now get ready. We aren't leaving until the three of you eat something for lunch. You didn't eat enough for breakfast today and I don't want this to become a trend. You're not going to help Logan any if you're fainting from lack of proper nutrition."

The boys knew she was right and sat down at the table. She served them their own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches which they scarfed down in their hurry.

"Mom, can Jo and Camille come with us?" Kendall asked as he finished off the last of his own lunch.

Mrs. Knight sighed sadly. "Oh, I haven't thought about the girls."

"We told them this morning." Carlos said. "They took it pretty hard." He didn't mention anything that has transpired after they told Jo and Camille though. He knew that it would only embarrass James unnecessarily.

"Well, why don't you get them then? Katie and I will go wait in the car," They walked off in separate directions.

"Camille?" Kendall knocked at the girl's room. "Are you in here?"

The door opened and Jo was standing there. Her eyes were red from crying. "Camille's in here. Come in." She let the three boys in and shut the door behind them.

Camille was sitting by the window in silence. She looked up when she heard the boys. She looked even worse than Jo.

"Hey, Camille." Carlos said gently. "We're going over to the hospital to visit Logan and we were wondering if you and Jo wanted to come to."

Camille shivered at the mention of the hospital. She ducked her head and didn't look at the boys or Jo. "I. . . can't."

"Why not? Kendall asked, clearly taken aback by the quick refusal. "I'm sure Logan would be glad to see both of you."

Camille shook her head. "Please." She whispered. "I can't. Not right now. Don't ask me, please. I just can't."

"Um, okay. If you're sure." Kendall backed off quickly, afraid that if he pressed the issue, than Camille would just get even more upset. He turned to the other girl, already knowing the answer. "Jo?"

"I think I'm going to stay with Camille." Jo said quietly. "But give Logan a hug for me and tell him that I'll be by another time, okay?" She walked the boys to the door, hugged them all, and then shutting the door, she went back to talk to her best friend.

**A/N. So, I'm really proud of this chapter. I thought it flowed along really nicely and the dialog was very fitting. Also, it's easily the longest chapter I've written so far. SWEET! But anyway, here are some tissues. Please review so that I know you liked it too. P.S. I finished this at around 5AM. A new record. ARGH. Someone give me a sleeping pill or two. Bah. Don't listen to me complain. I'll be fine. Reviews make me happy!**


	13. Sadness

**A/N. Hey all! Sorry about the small delay between chapters. I haven't been feeling well lately thanks to my insomnia driven creativity. Bah. I feel like a failure when I don't update as quickly as usual. ANYWAY, enough of me feeling sorry for myself. Thank you so much for the fantastic reviews! They keep me going! I don't own anything by the way. Read on!**

It was a quiet ride to the hospital. Each boy was lost in his own thoughts. Mrs. Knight turned the radio off thinking of how the four of them always sang along to every song that was played. Now, as she glanced at them in the rear-view mirror, they seemed like completely different boys.

Kendall, who had always been her sweet little boy and the man of the house after the divorce, had been impatient and snappy all morning along. The first thing he had wanted to do was go straight to the hospital and when she told him about Logan's father, his mouth tightened into an angry line and his eyes darkened. She had always prided herself in raising a caring young man but sometimes Kendall could be far too passionate. The protectiveness he had over his best friends in particular could be almost alarming. When the boys were in 9th grade she had gotten a call from the principle's office. She had arrived to see the other boys' parents and all four boys sitting together each with their own collection of bruises and scratches. It turned out that a nasty 12th grader had made a racist remark toward Carlos and Kendall had immediately started swinging his fists. The others, never to question his lead, jumped in as well. It had been a hard lesson to teach Kendall that his problems couldn't be solved by fighting when she had been so proud of him for standing up for his friend. Over the years he had started to control his temper a little better but she couldn't help but worry about how he would deal with Logan's father.

Mrs. Knight had never seen Carlos so still for so long. His friends called him the Energizer Bunny of the group because he was constantly bouncing off the walls and talking about swirly slides and his lucky helmet. She hadn't even seen Carlos' helmet since yesterday. His short black hair was unusual neatly combed and untouched by a hockey helmet. She also noticed that every few minutes he shot a quick glance at James. The look was filled with a quiet concern but he never said a word.

James looked to worst of the three. All of them had returned from their "walk" with red, swollen eyes but James looked slightly shaky and afraid. While Kendall and Carlos sat motionless, James twitched nervously by playing with his hair and adjusting his T-shirt. It was normal behavior for a guy who was getting ready for his first date but James was never nervous around girls. She also noticed that though his hair had been combed in the morning, he had come back with it tangled and wind blown.

Despite the quietness and the relative stillness in the car, each boy looked less haunted and tormented than they had the night before. The immeasurable sadness still lurked in their eyes but no longer did they look like they were struggling with every action and word. She suspected that something had happened to break them free of the awful darkness that had been consuming them but at the same time, she didn't want to ask in case it might break the peace that had settled over them for the time being.

Mrs. Knight didn't want to say anything at all because it felt like her words would shatter the calm. But one thought had been nagging at the back of her mind since they left Palm Woods. Camille. The young, aspiring actress had been absolutely infatuated with Logan from Day 1. Mrs. Knight had never seen such a genuine and sweet affection between two young people. At first, Logan had been almost frightened of Camille and her dramatic behavior. But gradually, Camille had calmed down slightly and Logan had begun to show interest in being more than just friends with her. So it was a complete mystery as to why Camille had refused to go to the hospital with them. All she had been able to get out of the boys was that she and Jo had both been devastated by the news and that the prospect of going to the hospital terrified Camille. Once again though, she was afraid to press them for details.

She pulled up to the entrance of the hospital and turned around to look at them. "I have to stay home with Katie today. She wasn't feeling well this morning." She was worried about her ten-year-old daughter. The boys were too young themselves to have to deal with something like this but Katie was just a little girl. She had managed to convince her mother that she would be okay while she dropped the boys off and came back. Mrs. Knight didn't want to push her into something she didn't want to do so she complied. "Anyway, I want you all to be on your best behavior. Please respect Mr. Mitchell unless he shows he doesn't deserve it."

"What if he doesn't deserve it?" Kendall, of course it was Kendall, asked.

"Then call me and I'll deal with it." She wasn't sure what she would do about a man who didn't care about his cancer stricken teenage son. But he had sounded honestly saddened when he called early that morning. "Tell Logan I said 'hi' okay?" She gave them a sad smile.

The three boys nodded and said their own goodbyes as they climbed out of the car. She watched them walk through the hospital doors then reluctantly drove away.

"How are we doing?" Carlos spoke for the first time since they had left Palm Woods. He remembered their words at the park clearly and didn't want his friends to forget what they had said.

"I don't want to see his dad." Kendall said softly. "I don't want him to be here. He doesn't deserve Logan." He turned to face his friends. "What if he hurts him again?" He had watched for years the relationship between Logan and his father deteriorated rapidly. They had watched Logan pretend that he could handle everything and that he didn't really care. But steadily he had been spending more time at the hockey rink or one of his friends' houses. He never spoke of his broken family and his friends never forced him to talk either. But it had killed them to see him force smiles and laughs when they knew that he was falling apart inside. It had gotten easier when Logan stopped hanging around his empty house and started hanging around people who cared about him.

"I'm afraid." James confessed. "I'm afraid of seeing those sick kids again. I'm afraid of Logan looking worse today. I'm afraid of seeing his dad."

Carlos nodded understandingly. "Me too." He looked at his shoes. "None of this makes sense." He looked back up at his friends. "I've never been so scared and confused in my life."

Kendall put a hand on his shoulder. "We can do this. Just remember what we decided earlier. No more pretending we're okay. We have to be honest with each other and help each other out." It was funny how he could be strong when he wasn't trying to be. "For Logan." He finished.

The other boys nodded. "For Logan." They repeated almost reverently. Sorely missing Logan, they shook hands and walked on.

James didn't say anything but he thought it was creepy the way they remembered how to get to Logan's room. They didn't even need to ask once for directions. It was like the first walk and been burned into their memories forever. This time though, he had fair warning. James was careful to stare at the floor as they walked down the halls of the cancer ward. He couldn't bring himself to look in the rooms and see the little kids. And Logan was too young. . . There was a sudden noise ahead of them. Without looking up, James had a feeling that he knew what it was. He didn't want to look up but it was like trying to avoid looking at an impending car crash. Or a clip of Joe Theisman an when he broke his leg. You know what's there and what's going to happen but some part of you ignores your brain. James raised his head.

It was a little boy. The only reason he could tell that it was a boy was the blue _Wall-E_ blanket wrapped around his tiny frame. His size surprised James. He was thin on the side of emaciated, a poster child for leukemia. But he was older than he looked. James couldn't figure out why or how he reached this conclusion. To his distress, the little boy was coming down the hallway towards them. The woman pushing his wheelchair was clearly his mother. In contrast to her son, she looked older than she probably was. She looked tired.

James' steps slowed involuntarily. He didn't want to pass the boy and his mother. He wanted to run out of the hospital and back to Palm Woods and sing with Kendall, Carlos, and Logan. But the two small groups met and they all stopped.

"Hey!" Carlos had dropped down in front of the kid to talk to him. "What's up? I like your blanket. _Wall-E _is one of my favorite movies.

The little boy smiled and for once he didn't look sick at all. The smile brightened his whole face. "Mine too! I went to see it for my fifth birthday last year."

He was only six . . James struggled to remain composed. He wanted to kneel down next to the kid with Carlos and talk about _Wall-E_ too.

"Carlos here can do a pretty sweet _Wall-E_ impression." Kendall put his hand on Carlos' shoulder as he spoke.

The little boy's eyes filled with excitement at his words and Carlos graciously complied, making the boy laugh and laugh.

Finally, James' legs obeyed his brain and he walked over to the boy. "Want to hear my Lightening McQueen impression?"

"From _Cars_? Yeah!"

Relieved by the boy's enthusiasm, James gave it his best which was pretty good considering he had a lump in his throat.

The kid laughed again then turned to Kendall expectantly.

"Sorry, buddy." Kendall raised his palms. "I'm not very funny." He jerked a thumb at Carlos and James. "These two are the clowns."

"We have to go anyway." The boy's mother said gently. "Thank you so much though, boys. My son loves it when "big boys" talk to him He loved Disney movies too."

"Hey, that makes two of us." Carlos said brightly as he stood up. "Well, we'll let you go. Thanks for talking to us, little man. Maybe we'll see you around some other time."

"Are you sick?" The boy asked solemnly.

Carlos bit his lip. "No." He cleared his throat. "Our best friend is though."

At his words, the woman looked at them. "I'm so sorry to hear that." She looked down at her own son's shaved head. "It's hard." She said softly. Blinking back tears she looked back up. "We won't keep you anymore."

"Hey it was a pleasure performing for you." James gave a sweeping bow. "We'll have to do it again some time."

"Yeah, we'll probably have to come visit some other kids while we're here so keep an eye out for us." Kendall shook the boy's small hand seriously. "I'm Kendall, so you know who to look for. And _Wall-E_ over here is Carlos, and _Lightening_ is James."

"I'm Logan." The little boy said, happy at the prospect of a repeat performance.

The smiles on the boy's faces froze. For the briefest amount of time, they could only stare at the little boy and his mother in absolute silence. James, to his own surprise, was the first to recover.

"Nice to meet you, Logan." He shook the kid's hand again.

The other boys stammered out goodbyes and little Logan and his mother disappeared down the hallway.

"Man." Carlos whispered. He swiped the tears in his eyes away with the back of a hand. "This sucks."

It was an understatement to be sure, but it still fit.

"Let's go." James whispered pleadingly. Carlos and Kendall nodded and the boys walked the rest of the way to Logan's room.

Kendall knocked then poked his head in. Logan was in his bed with his father close by.

"Kendall, it's about time!" Logan greeted him.

At his words, Kendall swung open the door and walked into the room followed by James and Carlos. They greeted their friend warmly then stood, uncertain of how to greet Mr. Mitchell.

"Hello, boys." Mr. Mitchell greeted them first. He seemed as ill at ease as they were. "It's uh, it's been a long time."

"Hi." Kendall said coolly. "It has been a long while. I haven't seen you since we left Minnesota?" His vague jab at how he had never visited Logan hit home and Kendall watched with some pleasure while Mr. Mitchell fumbled for the right words in his response.

"Logan!" To Kendall's slight irritation, James broke up the awkwardness. "Are our future wives back?"

Logan hadn't missed Kendall's verbal jab and looked troubled by it, but at James' question he grinned. "I saw Peyton a little while ago. The others must have heard that you guys were coming and split."

"Ha-ha. You wish." Carlos laughed a little. He glanced uncomfortably at Mr. Mitchell.

Ryan Mitchell had screwed up badly in his role as Logan's father, but he could sure take the hint. "Well, I give you boys some time alone." He said, standing up. He hugged his son and James, Carlos, and Kendall stiffened noticeably. They returned his goodbyes with nods and didn't fully relax until he had left the room.

"Are you okay?" Kendall demanded.

"Yeah. . . I mean, as well as can be expected." Logan was puzzled by the intensity in the question. "Why, do I look bad?"

Kendall took some time to look over his friend. To his relief, his friend still looked fairly well. "No." He said honestly. "You look fine." He paused, wondering how he would phrase the question. "I mean your dad is here."

"I know, isn't it great?" Logan said happily, oblivious to the other boys' lack in enthusiasm. "He got here early this morning."

"And you're okay with it?" James asked as tactfully as he could. "I mean. . . you know."

Understanding dawned on Logan's face. "Oh, that." He tried valiantly to hide the hurt that passed over his face but his friends noticed. "I never thought you guys were the grudge-holding types." He joked, trying to laugh it off."

"Logan-" Carlos began.

"Guys, don't worry." Logan pleaded. "Everything's going to be okay."

Kendall snorted and James shook his head in disagreement. Carlos chewed on his lip and looked doubtful.

"Really, guys." Logan said convincingly. "I just know it. Me and my dad. . . we're okay now. I promise." Logan rarely made promises because he didn't want to let anybody down. So the boys all chose to say nothing more about Mr. Mitchell for the time being.

"Kelly and Gustavo are going to come visit sometime this week." Carlos said, helpfully trying to change the subject.

"Cool. Tell them any day. It's not like I have much to do." Logan joked but he couldn't coax a smile that time. "Sorry. That was lame."

Carlos cleared his throat. "And um, we told Jo and Camille this morning." It had to be said no matter how hard.

A shadow fell over Logan's face. "Oh." He said quietly. "I guess they had to find out, huh?"

"Yeah." Carlos nodded. He felt bad telling Logan but he was bound to find out soon anyway. "They're. . . going to come another day." The lie slipped out easily and surprised himself more than it did James and Kendall. Carlos rarely lied but he just couldn't bring himself to tell Logan that Camille hadn't wanted to see him and that Jo had stayed with her best friend.

Logan nodded. "Okay, thanks."

"So." After talking to the little boy in the hall, little Logan, James couldn't help but ask. "Do you know what you're going to do?"

Logan didn't answer right away. He watched his friends carefully. "Do you really want to know?" He asked.

"Yes." Kendall said so quietly that Logan hardly heard him. "Please." Carlos and James gave small nods.

Logan sighed and nodded again. "All right. Let's see. I sort of know what's going on, does that count? Basically there are two options right now and my dad and I need to decide sometime tomorrow."

"That soon?" Kendall asked nervously.

"The sooner, the better." Logan replied with a weary smile.

"Did you make up your mind then?" James asked.

"I think so." Logan said. "We're leaning one way at least." When his friends continued to look expectantly at him, he knew he had no choice but to give in and tell them all he knew. He hadn't wanted to. He wanted them to be as ignorant of his situation as possible. But he had three of the most stubborn people on the planet as best friends. They were also three of the greatest people on the planet and in his heart, Logan knew that they deserved to know.

**A/N. I think this chapter ended a little abruptly but I'm falling asleep. I liked it enough anyway. I hope you did! Boost my confidence by dropping me a review! Tell me what you liked, loved, and hated. Point out any mistakes you might find as well. Like, for example, I keep switching back and forth with Palm WOODS and Palm SPRINGS. . . The only explanation I can offer is that I'm a failure sometimes. Yup. Oh, and FYI, the next chapter will be up MAYBE sometime Saturday. Starting tomorrow I'm participating in a 30 hour "famine" where I'll fast for 30 hours to raise awareness of starvation around the world. Wish me luck with a review! I'll need it! Thanks so much for all of your support! Without the awesome reviews, I'd quit. You're the best!**


	14. Understanding

**A/N. I'm writing this chapter before and after the 30 Hour Famine. I want to get as much done as possible so I don't let you guys down by not updating for days. So my thoughts are right now are about how I'm wondering if I can pull the not eating thing for 30 hours the way I am right now. We will see at the end of the chapter. LOL. I don't own anything. Read on.**

Jo sat across from Camille on the window seat and watched her friend worriedly. She had never her seen her like this. It was perfectly understandable that she was upset over Logan. Jo herself was completely devastated. Why Logan Mitchell of all people had to be diagnosed with leukemia she would never understand. But Camille was scaring her. The normally outgoing young woman had been sitting in a reserved silence ever since the boys had left about an hour ago. She was staring out the window, a shadow of a secret grief over her face that Jo wanted to understand but Camille wouldn't let her in.

"Camille?" She pleaded as her brown eyes filled with frightened tears. "Camille, please. You know you can talk to me right? I'm your friend."

"I know." Camille whispered brokenly. She turned to Jo and tried to smile. "I don't know if I can. It hurts too much."

"What does?" Jo begged for an answer. "I know you love Logan and I'm upset too but there's something else, isn't there?" Camille's silence after her question answered Jo's question. "Please Camille." She said again, feeling like a broken record as she did so. "Let me help you." She grabbed her friend's hand and squeezed it to get a reaction.

Camille looked at her again, her face face filled with such a deep sorrow that Jo's own eyes filled with tears. "I know." She whispered again. Her voice caught and she bent her head down to her knees and started to cry softly. She wasn't sobbing wildly and uncontrollably like she had when Carlos had first told them about Logan but this seemed so much worse. At a total loss for what else to do, Jo simply drew her friend into a hug.

"It's okay, Camille. I'm here." She knew the words could be of little comfort to her broken-hearted friend but Jo couldn't think of anything else to say. She fell in to silence and listened to Camille's quiet sobs.

The two girls didn't move for a while. Then finally, Camille lifted her head and looked at Jo. "My father died when I was nine. He had acute myelogenous leukemia."

Jo stared speechlessly at her friend. Camille had never before mentioned her father. Jo who liked to know peoples' stories had always filled in the blanks herself. She wasn't nosy just harmlessly curious. Since Camille had never said a word about her father, Jo had assumed that her friend's parents had gone through a nasty divorce and her father was estranged from his ex-wife and their daughter. Now, to hear that he was dead, was like a slap to Jo's face. "Dead?" She said tonelessly. Acute myelogenous leukemia. The very same disease Logan was fighting right now. "Oh, Camille. I. . . I didn't know."

"No one did. I never talked about him." Camille whispered. "It's easier when I don't think about it. But now. . . now it's like it's happening all over again." She brushed a shaking hand over her eyes. "Being in the hospital was the worst thing. I hated to see him so sick. Before he was diagnosed, he was always so happy and strong. But in the hospital he was always weak and too tired to laugh." Her words came out slowly and haltingly.

"I'm so sorry Camille." Jo said. Tears stung her eyes and she longed to be able to say something that would ease Camille's burden. But she knew that saying, "This stuff happens for a reason." and "I know how you feel." were the biggest lies on Earth.

"I can't see Logan like that." Camille's eyes begged for Jo to understand. "I-" Her voice broke and she started to cry again. "I love him."

Jo hugged her friend again. It was all she could do because no words were adequate to ease Camille's suffering. The thought of her friend suffering so much was too much for the sensitive girl to bear and Jo began to cry as well. Camille returned her hug then, as if to reach through her own pain to comfort her best friend.

Eventually the storm passed. The girls drew away from each other but stayed where they were on the window seat. Camille was clutching Jo's hand like she was afraid the other girl would leave her and all Jo could do was squeeze the other girl's hand in reassurance. _I'm not going anywhere._ The gesture telegraphed silently. _I'm here for you._

"It feels like the nightmare is starting all over again." Camille sighed. "I don't know how to say this but when my dad. . . died, I was almost. . . relieved. I was relieved that he wasn't in pain anymore and I didn't have to be afraid." She looked at Jo. "Am I terrible for thinking that?"

Jo shook her head emphatically. "No way, Camille. I mean, I've had to go through anything like this before but it makes perfect sense to me." She looked at Camille closely to make sure that her words were getting through. "It must be hard to watch someone you love suffer."

Camille nodded slowly. "I want to see Logan." She said quietly. "But I'm afraid. I don't want to see him suffer the way me dad did." She wrapped her arms around herself and shivered as if she was suddenly cold. Jo put an arm around her shoulders and waited for her to go on. "It'd be like it's happening all over again."

"You don't _have _to see Logan." Jo said gently. "But-" She struggled with the right words. "But I think he would really love to see you sometime."

"I know." Camille nodded. "I don't know if I can. I feel like when I walk through the hospital doors, I'll have a nervous breakdown or run away or something like that. I don't want to hurt him by doing that." She studied her fingernails, deep in thought. "But will I hurt him worse if I don't go see him?"

Joe weighed the question heavily. She knew the answer. Yes. It would hurt Logan deeply if Camille never came to see him in the hospital. He would never say a word but it was obvious. But she didn't want to upset Camille further. Finally, she gave into her honesty. "Yes. I think it would." She said the words as gently as she possibly could but they still sounded so harsh to her.

"I thought so." Camille whispered. She sighed. "I hate this. I hate feeling weak."

"Camille, you can't always be strong." Jo said comfortingly. "No one can. We're all going to suffer. But as long as we stay together and help each other then we'll make it through anything."

Camille smiled the first real smile Jo had seen since they were told about Logan. "Thank you."

_MEANWHILE. . ._

"Katie, please talk to me, baby." Mrs. Knight pleaded. She knocked on her daughter's closed door. When she had arrived back at Palm Woods she had immediately noticed that Katie had locked herself in her room. It was something she always did when she was upset but this was so much bigger than the usual squabble with a friend or being mad at her mother for not letting her rent a certain move.

Kendall and Katie both took after their father who did everything with such a fierce passion that by the end of the day he was always emotionally worn. Mrs. Knight worried about her children. David, her ex-husband, had learned to live with the passion that still consumed him sometimes, but Kendall and Katie were still so young and impressionable. Not that anyone of any age could fully understand why a kid like Logan would be diagnosed with cancer. But for her ten year old daughter, and her son who was one of Logan's best friends, it had to be especially hard.

Mrs. Knight sighed. "Katie?" She moved to knock again but it opened. Katie stood in her room, her eyes red from crying. She threw herself at her mother and started to cry once more. Mrs. Knight led her daughter over to her bed and sat down with her. She stroked her daughter's hair and rubbed her back soothingly while she waited for the storm to pass.

"It's not fair!" Katie cried into her mother's shirt. "Why did this have to happen?"

As a parent, you always want to be able to help your child. You want to be able to make everything better and to kiss away the hurt. But sometimes there were no answers. And band-aids and kisses would do nothing to heal this hurt. Mrs. Knight felt helpless as she listened to her daughter's words. "I don't know, sweetheart." She whispered.

"It's not fair." Katie said again.

"I know." She kissed her daughter's head. "It's not fair at all. Why something like this would happen to someone like Logan isn't fair at all. I don't understand it either."

"You don't?" The sobs slowed and then stopped. Kate lifted her head up and stared at her mother in disbelief.

"No, Katie." Mrs. knight pulled her daughter close to her. "I don't understand it at all." She closed her eyes, indescribably grateful that both her children were in good health. It was something, that after seventeen years as a parent, she almost took for granted. Sure, Kendall and Katie came down with the occasional stomach virus or cold. But they were never really sick. She had never even imagined them getting seriously sick. Now, it was all she could think about.

Katie sighed and leaned into her mother's comforting embrace. "I hate this." She whispered. By now she had run dry of tears but the sadness was still evident in her small voice. "I hate this so much."

**A/N. STUPID FREAKIN' CHAPTER. I HATED THIS. I really did. Excuse the all caps but there's no way I'm happy with this chapter. It's far too short, it ends abruptly, there's all lot of redundancy, etc. Ugh. But whatever. It was just a filler chapter. It'll be better in the future. Hope you enjoyed this anyway. Oh, and thanks for all the good luck wishes regarding the 30 Hour Famine. All went extremely well. I'm beyond exhausted now so maybe that's why I hate this chapter so much. But hey, if you have a minute, please check these sites: www . Freerice . Com and www stopthehunger . Com Yeah. Because you should. Okay, that's all. I'm depressed and tired. Night all! LLAP ("Live long and prosper" I'm a Trekkie)!**


	15. Research

**A/N. So tired right now. I went to bed at 9:30 the other night and "slept" until 10:00 in the morning. Of course my sleep was broken up quite frequently by nightmares. I CANNOT win. Ugh. Enough of me feeling sorry for myself though. Thank you all for your wonderful reviews especially for the last chapter. I still don't like it. Lol. But as long as you do! ANYWAY! I don't own anything. . .**

Kendall lay in his bed that night and waited for the silence that would signal that everyone else in the apartment was asleep. They had stayed at the hospital until late again thanks to Ryan Mitchell convincing the doctors to let them stay past visiting hours. The boys had been grateful toward Logan's dad but it was still blatantly obvious that they didn't fully trust him and they left very reluctantly at around 10:00. Kendall, in particular, was very unwilling to just forgive and forget even though Logan had asked them all to that night. Logan was too trusting and too forgiving in Kendall's own opinion. He always did like to think the best of people.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Kendall quietly sat up and grabbed his laptop from the desk nearby. He winced at the start-up sound and wished he had remembered to turn the volume off or at least stick a pair of ear buds in so that no one could hear anything. Cringing, he waited a few minutes until he was sure that nobody was coming to investigate and then logged onto the Internet.

Together, he. Carlos, and James had finally managed to convince Logan to tell him the treatment options that he was faced with. Logan though, had told them the bare minimum and the boys came away knowing little more than they had at the beginning of the day. But Logan probably hadn't considered the fact that the boys had a pretty sweet Internet connection back at Palm Woods. Kendall remembered everything that Logan had told them. It wasn't hard, just a bunch of strange sounding names. He had taken Logan's hesitation to heart though and decided not to include James and Carlos in his plan. Maybe he'd regret researching all of the terms.

"I have to know." Kendall whispered quietly to himself. He had always been the leader, the one to protect and defend his friends. He had already discovered that he couldn't fake being strong for the others' sake but at least he could have an idea of what was going on. He didn't even really understand what acute myelogenous leukemia was in the first place.

Because all four boys had played hockey since they could walk, they had their fair share of injuries. Carlos though, was considered injury prone because of a combination of clumsiness and recklessness and most commonly wound up on the injury list out of the friends. Throughout the years, they had spent most of their injured time researching their injuries on various sites and finally found WEBMD to be the most reliable. So it was tonight that Kendall turned to "Old Faithful" in his research of AML.

After about fifteen minutes of reading the same few paragraphs over and per again though, he realized that the majority of the information was way past his understanding and settled for what he did understand. It wasn't much. He gathered that leukemia was a cancer of the blood, that it could actually be a complication of other cancers being treated with chemotherapy. "I guess we don't have to worry about that." He muttered. Another thing he learned was that contrary to the popular assumption, leukemia was most common in adults rather than children. There were also no known actual causes or cures for the disease.

Kendall buried his face in his hands and muffled a groan. "Who knew researching the basic of leukemia could be so depressing and frustrating?" He said out loud.

"Tell me about it."

Kendall jumped and nearly dropped his laptop on the floor. He quickly righted it and looked towards the direction where the unexpected reply had come from. "James!" He hissed in a loud whisper. His heart was pounding so hard he could barely absorb that James was actually there. "What the heck are you doing?"

"From the looks of things the same thing you are." James nodded at Kendall's laptop and Kendall noticed for the first time that James held his own laptop on his hands. "I couldn't sleep." James said sheepishly when Kendall stared at him without saying anything. He walked across the floor and plopped down on the beanbag in Kendall's room. "You don't mind right?" He didn't wait for Kendall's reply and focused back on his own laptop. "So, I don't know about you but I understood about five sentences."

"Yeah." Kendall finally managed to speak again. "Me too." He cleared his throat. "I only read about what leukemia is though. Did you look up anything about the treatments?" He waited until James shook his head. "Okay, I guess we could do that now."

The boys searched quietly for a few minutes. "Logan's still considered a child right?" James asked smothering a yawn. "I mean, eighteen is when patients are considered adults I think." He nodded at his computer screen. "Because there are like, so many search results about AML on WEBMD alone."

"I know." Kendall caught James' yawn. "But yeah, you're right about Logan. That will help it narrow things down a little at least." He blinked at the bright screen in front of him. "Is any of this supposed to make sense? It's like, in a different language. What's with all the random letters and numbers?"

James had impatiently skipped past all the confusing details of the disease and only shrugged at Kendall's questions. "I don't know, but this page says that there are no real stages of leukemia. Just being diagnosed and being in remission. That's something." He rubbed his face with his hands. "I mean, it doesn't really tell us anything but at least we know. I don't know." He sounded frustrated as he tried to convey his feelings in his words.

Kendall nodded though. "I know." He assured James. "Hang on, I think I finally found a page on treatments." He scanned the page quickly and frowned. "Okay, it's really confusing again but I think I have a vague idea of what's going on." He turned the screen so James could see where he was and look at the same page from his laptop.

James frowned. "I don't get much of it either but what I do understand isn't very positive." He let his head drop into his hands. "I don't get it, Kendall. It's too complicated."

"I know." Kendall admitted. "There's too many big words. I don't have a clue what they mean. Gosh WEBMD was so reliable when we had to look up broken bones and concussions but this disease stuff is to much. You really need to be a doctor to understand most of it."

"Let's try another website." James suggested. "We'll Google 'AML treatments' and see what we come up with." He was already typing in the search bar as he spoke. "There has to be an easier website somewhere on the Internet for us to understand. I'm totally lost right now."

Kendall nodded in agreement. "Sounds good to me." He frowned again as the search results came up. "All right, there's about two million search results. What one do we pick?"

"I'll show you."

Kendall and James both jumped this time at the new voice. "Carlos?" They whispered simultaneously.

"Who else?" Carlos walked over and sat on the floor. "I guess I wasn't the only one up doing research." He gestured to his own computer. "I heard you guys talking and I thought I'd join you."

"I need to start locking my door at night." Kendall shook his head. "It's fine if you guys come in, or Katie or my mom, but what if it's some kidnapper or whatever?"

"First you have to close your door." James grinned a little. "I just walked right in when I heard you talking to yourself."

"My door wasn't closed?" Kendall asked in disbelief. When James shook his head, he couldn't help but roll his eyes. "Good grief."

"I did close your door when I came in though." James frowned in confusion and looked over at Carlos whose face was partially hidden by his laptop. "How did you get in without us noticing right away, Carlos? Carlos?"

Carlos jerked out of his thoughts and looked at James and Kendall. "I guess you were distracted." He murmured.

"Everything okay, Carlos?" Kendall asked in concern. Carlos' eyes were slightly red and he sniffed every now and then.

He wasn't one to give dirty looks but Carlos couldn't resist glaring at Kendall's question. "Dumb thing to ask." He said quietly and sniffed.

"We're all upset, Carlos." James said gently. "But you look upset about something kind of different. What is it?"

Carlos sighed. "It's this cancer website I found." He admitted. "It gives pretty easy to understand information about AML and treatments for it." He turned the laptop so his friends could see it. "It's not very positive."

"Wow." James stared at the page. "But. . ." He trailed off.

"The _treatments_ are dangerous?" Kendall asked in disbelief. "But they're supposed to be helping him. Not. . . hurt him."

James ran a hand through his hair. "I don't get it." He whispered. "None of this is positive. I mean the chemo being successful 40% to 80%? That's such a wide range."

Carlos nodded. "And it almost always comes back." He whispered. "I mean it comes back without continued treatment. But what do they mean by that? How long does this last?"

"As long as it wants to." James rested his head on the foot of Kendall's bed. "This is stupid." He said as his eyes filled up with tears. "Look." He pointed at the screen. "It says that after _four_ _years _of the intense chemo treatment, 40% of patients younger than 60 will show no signs of leukemia. Forty percent?" He shook his head in disbelief. "That's not even half of the patients." He closed his eyes. "Four years." He repeated.

"None of this makes sense." Kendall said. "I feel like that's all we've been saying lately but it's true. AML is most common in _old_ people. Leukemia is most common n older people. Logan is seventeen. Why the heck does he have to get it? He's not old."

"But that's the one positive thing." Carlos pointed out. "His age. And his otherwise relatively good health. "He's seventeen and he's never been very sick before. He'll be able to handle the treatments better, won't he?" He watched as the other boys nodded in slow agreement and understanding. "It says it right here." He added pointing to the screen.

The boys found little comfort in this fact but it was comfort nonetheless. Though it didn't make Logan being diagnosed with cancer at seventeen easier to understand, it was the positive fact they had been searching for and had finally found.

"Still." James said bitterly. "Trust Logan to get a disease that old people usually get." He sighed. A sudden thought occurred to him and he jerked his head up. "What are the statistics?" He wondered aloud hesitantly.

"I. . . I don't know." Kendall said quietly. "I'm afraid to know." As he was speaking though, his fingers were already typing into the search bar again. He clicked on the first site that came up on the results page and the three boys crowded around to see what he had come up with.

As they stared at the result numbers, the little positive hope they had just found was drained away. The statistics were incomprehensible. Kendall read them out loud as if they would be more believable that way.

"Nine thousand out of twelve thousand eight hundred and ten AML patients die? That's like seventy percent" He fell silent as they tried to grasp the huge number. It was odd how he could suddenly do the math so quickly in his head when any other day he needed a calculator or. . . or Logan.

For several minutes nobody spoke. They had wanted to know the truth and now they did. It was a horrible truth and now, not even Logan's young age having an advantage, however small, mattered anymore. All that mattered were the ugly numbers staring back at them.

"Logan can't die." Carlos said with such sudden intensity that James and Kendall were startled. The fact that he had even mentioned Logan dying without breaking off towards the end was startling as well. Carlos snapped his laptop shut determinedly. "Logan is _not_ going to die, okay guys?" He stared at them for a bit. Then his eyes suddenly lit up and he hopped to his feet. He rummaged in Kendall's desk drawers and then sat down with a piece of paper and three pens. "Now." He said to his confused friends. "Let's think about this. . . logically."

**A/N. Another depressing chapter. And Logan hasn't even started treatment yet. Wow. I've been thinking about how long this fic is going to be. I have no idea. How many of you are with me until the end? Let me know when you review! Thank you for all of your continued support. I can't do it without you and your reviews. You're all the very best. It is now 2:30 in the morning and I am. . . unbelievably tired. I have a free day tomorrow so I might get started of chapter 16. We'll see. Remember how much your reviews keep me going! YAY! LLAP!**


	16. Connection

**A/N. I am happier than I've been in a long time. Thanks to XeroPrime, this story now has a music video! Go on YouTube and watch 'Big Time Rush Keep Holding On'. It's awesome. I was so happy I died and now I'm typing this chapter from Heaven. YAY! I still don't own anything so read on.**

The first three days that Logan had spent in the hospital seemed to crawl by at a painfully slow rate. There was nothing to do but read or watch TV. Thankfully, there was always someone nearby to keep him company and break up the monotonous routine. Kendall, James, and Carlos had practically lived at the hospital with him until they were gently but firmly kicked out by the night shift doctors and nurses. Logan would never be able to express to his friends how grateful he was for them. They had literally dropped everything and hung out with him as much as possible. Still, since they were confined to Logan's hospital room they could only pass the time by talking or watching a hockey game.

But after those three days passed, Logan immediately wished for them back. As soon as he and his father had told Doctor Walsh that they had decided on chemotherapy for Logan's treatment, Doctor Walsh went to gather a small team of doctors and they hooked Logan up to a large, strange looking machine. This was the first part of the procedure called leukapheresis that would be speeding things along for the chemotherapy. The procedure itself only took three hours but Logan was absolutely exhausted for the rest of the day. His friends came by briefly but it wasn't long before Logan had fallen asleep. He hated not being awake to see his friends especially since they were taking time out of their day to see him.

That was the first day and this went on for four more days before Doctor Walsh told Logan that they would be moving onto the chemotherapy next. In between that time though, the other boys had continued to visit Logan every day. Mike had finally come down from the ice rink and sat with the four friends and talked about hockey with them. Even Gustavo, Kelly, and Griffin had stopped by.

Everything had been put on hold. The CD recording, the concert planning, everything. Logan secretly felt guilty that he had ruined everything but he also knew that none of it could be helped. He was actually shocked that Big Time Rush hadn't been dropped completely or that the record company didn't at least sign a new fourth member of the group. When the boys were together, they never spoke of the band so Logan never got much information from them.

He knew that they had done their own research the next time they came to visit. He could tell by the way Kendall's face looked suddenly pained every time the word "treatment" was mentioned. He could tell by the way James frowned every time they asked how he felt and he told them that he felt "fine" or "okay". He could tell by the way Carlos had adopted a permanently determined look on his face. Logan wished they didn't know as much as they did. It would have been easier if they had been somewhat obvious to what would be happening to him.

Katie was a lot quieter now. When she visited with Mrs. Knight she sat at the foot of Logan's hospital bed and pretended to study while she really secretly regarded him with a solemn expression that should never be seen on the face of a ten year old. She was shy around Ryan Mitchell and would only really talk to Logan if his father wasn't there. And even then she wasn't very talkative.

Mrs. Knight was the mother Logan needed then. He loved having his father with him, as quiet as Ryan was, but Mrs. Knight could comfort him like only a mother could. On the rare occasions that James, Kendall, and Carlos weren't there, she kept up quiet conversations with Logan and his father or just Logan if his father happened to be gone.

It had now been exactly one week since Logan had been diagnosed with acute myelogenous leukemia and he was officially starting chemotherapy. He was scared out of his mind but he didn't say anything to his friends or his father or anyone else. "I'm causing enough problems as it is." He muttered to himself. It was one of those rare moments when he was completely by himself in the hospital room. He didn't mind having someone with him all the time at all. But every once in a while he felt like he was suffocating on the concern everyone had for him.

"Logan?"

Logan jerked out of his thoughts and looked toward the door. "Camille. Jo." He said in surprise. Carlos had told him days ago that they would be coming for a visit but somehow he hadn't really believed his friend. He felt guilty about that now but he had been so sure that there had been something odd in the way that Carlos had mentioned the girls. He looked uncomfortable and James and Kendall had shot him quick glances of confusion too. Logan shook his head and smiled at the two girls. "Come on in." He said with a smile.

Jo walked in holding tightly to Camille's hand. The blond girl returned Logan's smile with one of her own and then let go of Camille long enough to give him a hug. She pulled away and tried to smile again but her lips wobbled and her eyes brightened with tears. "Hi." She said quietly as she sat down. Carefully, she pulled Camille down next to her and took her hand again. "How are you feeling?" She asked awkwardly.

"All right, thanks." Logan shrugged. "The drugs kinda knock me out and make me tired but it could be worse. I've read about all the side effects of chemo and so far the only one I've experienced is the fatigue."

Jo glanced over at Camille then turned back to Logan. "That's good then." She fell silent and chewed on her lip. "So have the guys been over today?"

Logan's smile faded. "No, one of the nurses suggested that they join a. . . a support group for people with friends or family members with cancer. They're there now." He ducked his head in embarrassment and stared at his hands.

"Oh, well that's pretty cool I think." Jo smiled, looking a little relieved. "I've heard that it really helps people to talk about what they're thinking and all to someone who. . . you know, understands them." She nervously brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "I mean, you guys have known each other forever, right?" Her voice had faded to a sad whisper. "It has to be really hard. I've only known you guys for a few months and it's hard for me to think of."

Logan nodded slowly. "Yeah. We've known each other for about twelve years now." He laughed a little. "Honestly, I can't remember any of my childhood _before_ I knew Carlos, Kendall, and James." He shook his head. "We're like brothers I guess you could say." He added softly.

Jo smiled at his words and relaxed a little. She had been afraid to see Logan. She was afraid that he might look, sound, or act different. But he was the same Logan. Kind, pleasant, and. . . happy Logan. Jo didn't understand why or even how Logan could be so cheerful at a time like this. And it wasn't a fake cheerfulness. It was genuine. Just like Logan. She was, however, worried about Camille. Her friend hadn't spoken one word since they had entered the hospital.

"How are you two doing?"

She jumped slightly at Logan's question and it took her a little while to come up with a response that would make any sense. "We're okay." She said, speaking for both her and Camille. "I mean, we're still kind of shocked I guess you could say." She trailed off and glanced at Camille.

"Are you okay, Camille?" Logan spoke as if he were reading Jo's thoughts. "You look really upset."

Camille's eyes filled with tears that spilled over her already tear-stained cheeks. She looked down and tried to recover herself. "I'm okay." She said, shrugging. "I'm. . . I'm sorry we didn't come earlier." She stammered. "I uh, I'm not a fan of hospitals." She felt Jo squeeze her hand reassuringly and swallowed. Logan deserved to know the truth. "My father died from AML when I was nine."

For a minute or two, nobody moved or even spoke. Jo sat holding tightly to Camille's hand in silent support while Camille herself, struggled to keep her emotions in check. Logan was staring at the two of them, his face a mixture of compassion and grief as he absorbed her words.

"Camille. . . I'm so sorry." He finally managed to choke out. "I didn't know."

Camille smiled slightly. "No one knew. I didn't tell Jo until earlier in the week." She sighed. "It's hard to talk about, you know?"

"Yeah." Logan said honestly. He did know how Camille felt. He had lost a parent as well and he felt the small connection between the two of them grow. "I know." He ran his hands through his hair and then on a sudden impulse, he took Camille's free hand in his own, and held it. "I know what it's like to lose a parent." His eyes burned as he spoke and he glanced down briefly at the scar on his hand before looking back up at Camille and Jo. "My mom died in a car accident when I was six."

The confession seemed to lift a small, but heavy burden off of his shoulders. He very rarely talked about his mother's death, even around the guys. But to share it with someone who knew and understood what he was going through meant something to him.

"Logan, I am so sorry." Camille whispered. She felt like she was just repeating that Logan had said to her only minutes ago but she also felt like it was the only thing that she could say. She blushed slightly as she felt Logan's hand in hers. It was funny, in a horrible way, how she had always wanted to hold his hand and had never considered that she would under circumstances like this. But she too felt a tiny, comforting connection with Logan's loss.

Jo had slipped out unnoticed at this point to give the two of them some privacy. She found a peaceful corner and bent her head to her knees and let the tears flow unchecked. No one deserved to lose a loving parent. Especially people like Camille and Logan.

"What was your dad like?" The question slipped out involuntarily and Logan wished he could snatch it back. "You don't need to tell me." He added quickly. "If it's too hard-"

"No." Camille shook her head. "I want to. I need to. I've always tried to shut out thoughts about him and I've tried to avoid talking about him. Whenever I do mention to someone that my father died, they always tell me that they're sorry and some even say they know how I feel. But even then, some of them don't actually know how I feel." She played with a silver charm bracelet around her wrist nervously. "But you understand." She added, looking up at Logan.

Logan's smile was filled with sadness. "Yeah." He replied. "I do understand."

**A/N. I think I liked this. Shorter than I usually like but it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm brain dead. Do a few favors for me, okay? First, watch the awesome music video that I mentioned in the beginning of the chapter. It's perfect. Second, review and tell me what you thought of this chapter AND the awesome music video if you want. Third, an issue has come up and I NEED your help in making a decision. So vote on the poll on my profile and help me out! You guys are the best by the way. I wouldn't keep updating this story without all of your terrific reviews. Special thanks to XeroPrime for the awesome music video. You rock, my friend. LLAP!**


	17. Support

**A/N. It's just before 1:00 in the morning but I know that I won't sleep tonight. I saw a snake today and as silly as that sounds, well, I have a phobia of snakes and if by some miracle I DO get to sleep, I'll have nightmares. So, I thought I'd write another chapter. YAY! I don't own anything. Read on.**

"I don't need a counselor." Kendall muttered to his mother. He slumped down in the front seat of the Knight's van and stared out the window. The sun was shinning brightly and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Even in his short-sleeved shirt and with the window down, Kendall was sweating. He shifted uncomfortably and wished he had worn something cooler than jeans.

"Kendall." Mrs. Knight began patiently despite the fact that they had already had the same conversation a number of times in the past two days. "I think that it's a good idea. Besides, it's not exactly a counselor. It's a support group."

"Then I don't need a support group." Kendall replied stubbornly. "It's a stupid idea and it's not going to help anything." He felt Carlos kick the back of his seat, a silent signal to shut up. He ignored it. "It's just a bunch of people sitting around and talking about their sick friends and family members. What does _that_ accomplish? Nothing. Nobody gets better or anything."

Mrs. Knight sighed. "Kendall, it's for you." She said gently. "I think you and Carlos and James need to talk about Logan with people who know what you're going through."

"Why? What would it prove?" Kendall challenged.

"It's not supposed to _prove _anything." Mrs. Knight drummed her fingers on the steering wheel as she waited for the traffic light to change. "It's only supposed to help you cope."

Kendall couldn't resist a snort of disgust. "Cope?" He repeated. "You mean deal with it? I _am _dealing with it, Mom."

"Shut up. Kendall. You're totally not." Carlos said in exasperation. "You're angry and scared like the rest of us and you're taking it out on your mom. She didn't do any of this. It's not her fault, or yours, or James', or mine." His voice broke and he dropped his glare. "You. . . we need help."

"We do not need a shrink." Kendall argued. "And I'm not angry."

"It's not a shrink, Kendall." Carlos sighed. "And yes, you are angry."

Before Kendall could open his mouth to object again, Mrs. Knight swung the van into a parking lot. There was a small white building with a sign identifying it as the Hope Center. "That's not cliche or anything." Kendall said sarcastically.

"All right, that's enough." Mrs. Knight turned to face Kendall, her eyes holding his defiant gaze. "I'm tired of you treating everyone so terribly just because you don't want to do this. I know you don't want to be here. You'd all rather be with Logan, I get that. But acting like a child isn't going to change anything. You can't be with Logan 24/7. He needs some time alone with his father." Here, she held up a hand to stop Kendall from making any sort of remark regarding Mr. Mitchell. "And you all need to get out. Just try it, that's all I ask. Try it a few times and if you absolutely hate it then I promise you can stop coming. But until then you are going to shape up and stop snapping at everyone. You're not the only one who's hurting."

Kendall's hard expression wavered momentarily and Mrs. Knight had to restrain herself from taking back her harsh words by drawing her teenage son into a tight embrace. She knew in her heart that he had to be put back in his place. It wasn't long before Kendall's eyes had darkened again and he got slowly out of the car. "Fine." He said in a clipped, tight voice. "I'll see you in two hours."

Carlos and James followed wordlessly except for Carlos saying a quick goodbye to Mrs. Knight and the three boys entered the building.

"You're acting like such a jerk." Carlos told Kendall as they waited uncomfortably in the lobby. "She's your mom, Kendall. Stop acting like this whole mess is her fault."

"I'm not acting like it's her fault." Kendall mumbled as he sank down into a chair. "I just don't want to be here."

"No, really? I didn't realize that." Carlos' sharp sarcasm cut deeper than his mother's harsh rebuke but Kendall choose to ignore his friend. Ever since the stupid doctor at the hospital had suggested the grief group the day before yesterday, Kendall and Carlos were at odds. Kendall was adamant that the whole thing was stupid and pointless while Carlos had tried fruitlessly to convince Kendall that there was no harm in trying. The past week and a half had been draining and despite their promises to support each other, the boys' resolve was weakening. Kendall was short and snappy, Carlos was more impatient than anyone had ever known him to be, and James had become uncharacteristically apathetic about nearly everything. He had spoken once during the car ride to the Hope Center and only shrugged and muttered unintelligibly when asked about the support group.

"Look, Kendall." Carlos pushed on now. "We promised each other that we wouldn't let anyone pretend or anything like that. And now it's like we've forgotten about being friends in the first place. You and I argue the entire time and James-" He cut off and glanced at James who was studying the pattern in the rug as if it held the answers to his silent questions. "James won't talk at all. We failed each other and Logan"

Kendall flinched at those words. He felt the weight of discouragement pulling on him again and sighed. And it had only been a little over a week. "We're fine." He said simply. But he hadn't come close to convincing even himself

"Denial." Carlos shot back. "We're about as fine as. . . as Logan."

"Don't ever compare us to Logan again." Kendall said sharply. "Logan has nothing to do with this."

Carlos stared at him in disbelief. "How can you say that?" He asked incredulously. "Logan has _everything_ to do with this. He's the reason we're here."

"Oh, so it's Logan's fault we're here? It's Logan's fault he has cancer?" Kendall shot up and stood over Carlos and glared down at his friend. "How can you say that, Carlos?"

Throwing his hands up in complete exasperation, Carlos stood up to face Kendall. "I did_ not_ say that this is Logan's fault. Why would I say that? Do you really believe that I would ever think that it's Logan's fault?" He sounded hurt and Kendall felt a stab of guilt run through him. "Kendall, I would never think that. You know that, right?"

"Boys?" Carlos and Kendall jumped at the new voice. James lifted his head from the rug and the three boys looked to see a young woman standing nearby. "Are you here for the support group today?" She tilted her head and glanced them over. She seemed to sense the tension between Carlos and Kendall and smiled understandingly. "I'm Amy, your group leader. We're about to get started if you'd like to join us."

Kendall reluctantly followed her with Carlos and James close behind. Amy led the boys to a closed door with a large metal 4 on the front. She opened the door and motioned them ahead of her. When they filed in, she joined them, shutting the door behind her. "Please, take any seat."

Automatically, the three boys sat down together in a large sofa. Kendall folded his arms across his chest and looked around the room. It was way too cheerful. The walls were painted an annoying shade of sunshine yellow that outshone everything except for the numerous bouquets of flowers all over. Kendall sniffed. The air was a strong perfumed smell like they were sitting in the middle of a crowd of twelve year old girls that had dumped the entire contents of their body spray of themselves.

There were three other people in the room besides the boys and Amy. A sad looking old woman who Kendall guessed was probably in her late sixties, a guy who looked around Amy's age, mid-twenties, and a nervous middle aged woman who was twisting a tissue in her hands as they all waited.

"Well, as you all probably know, I'm Amy." Amy pulled her dark hair into a ponytail and glanced at a list of names. "It looks like everyone's here. Why don't you go around the room and introduce yourselves. Tell us your name and one interesting fact about you."

"My name is Grace." The elderly woman spoke up first. "When my husband and I were younger, we were avid mountain climbers."

"I'm Greg." The young man twisted his wedding band as he thought of something else to say. "I work as a graphic designer."

"Susan." The middle aged woman spoke softly. "I own a small bakery down the street from here."

Amy was smiling and nodding encouragingly at all of their responses. When each person had finished, they sighed with relief and looked at the person next in line for introductions. Now, they were all looking expectantly at the three boys.

Carlos cleared his throat. "Um, I'm Carlos." He fumbled awkwardly for more words. "I. . . I have a swirly slide in my apartment." The words came out in a rush and he blushed, dropping his gaze to his shoes. A soft chuckle made it's way around the room and he glanced up to see amused smiled on the faces of all the adults.

"My name is James." James murmured. "My favorite movie is _Miracle_."

"I'm Kendall and I don't want to be here." Kendall said loudly.

Carlos scowled at his friend but before he could say anything Amy spoke up. "Well, I hope you feel differently late on, Kendall." She said smoothly. "A lot of people are afraid on their first day. It's a new experience for them." She gazed at each of them as she spoke. "I want you all to feel welcome and comfortable here. My hope is that we will be able to talk to each other and share our experiences." Her eyes searched the room. "Does anyone have any questions?" At the silence that followed she continued. "Okay, why don't we all say why we're here?" She pointed to herself. "I'm here to guide you. My sister died of cancer when I was a teenager and I want you all to know that I'm here for you. I want to help you through this. Always remember that you're not alone." She folded her hands on her lap. "Anyone else want to share? If you don't feel comfortable, that's fine too."

"My husband, John has lung cancer." Grace spoke up first. "It caught us off guard because we have both always been so healthy. But we learned that smoking isn't the only cause of lung cancer." She pulled a tissue from the box on the table in the middle of the room and wiped her eyes. "We've been married for over fifty years. . ." She trailed off.

John cleared his throat. "My wife, Callie had breast cancer." He stared at his wedding band the entire time he spoke. "We've only been married for three months."

Susan abandoned her torn up tissue in favor for a new one from the box. She didn't wipe her eyes or blow her nose but instead resumed the twisting and tearing process. "My sister has breast cancer as well. She's my best friend too."

Again the four pairs of eyes came to rest on the boys who squirmed uncomfortably. Finally,to the other boys' surprise, James spoke up. "Kendall, Carlos and I are here together. Our best friend Logan has leukemia."

Kendall nearly clamped his hands over his ears in an attempt to block out the awful words. He looked up to see compassionate looks from everyone in the room and quickly glances away. All of them were suffering just like he and his friends were and yet they still cared for others. His eyes filled and his nose burned slightly. He couldn't cry in front of all these strangers. He felt and hand on his shoulder and felt his determination wavering. Carlos patted him on the back from the other side and someone handed the three boys a box of tissues. He took one and blew his nose. Finally he looked up to face the others. "I'm sorry I was such a jerk earlier." He said quietly.

Amy smiled at him gently. "It's perfectly okay, Kendall. You all have good reason to be angry. But you need to realize that you can let go of your anger here. You're among friends even though we're still strangers to each other. You can trust us here." She smiled again, this time at James and Carlos. "Especially James and Carlos. I can just tell that you are close friends."

"Twelve years." Carlos said with sudden pride. It was so like the old, happy Carlos to be so happy and proud that Kendall couldn't help but laugh softly.

"Yeah." He agreed. "Twelve years and counting."

**A/N. I like this chapter. I think I maxed out all the angst for one chapter so I had to end it here. I hope you all enjoyed it too. I'm sorry if Kendall was too rotten. I was. . . still am in a bad mood thanks to a certain MLB umpire. But the less said about that, the better. Please review if you liked this chapter. Love you all! LLAP!**


	18. Unspoken

**A/N. I am so annoyed right now for so many reasons. Bud Selig is a jerk. And my mom turned out wireless router off for the night so even though I'm writing this now, it won't be up until sometime tomorrow. Also, it's midnight and I can't sleep because I drank 48 ounces of iced tea at work today. I drink caffeinated drinks when I'm mad. Does that make sense? I don't even understand myself most of the time. ANYWAY, I'll stop ranting. Okay, angst warning. I only listened to the majority of voters on my poll. Blame them. I don't own anything. Read on.**

_Dear Logan,_

_it's me, Kendall. I feel really stupid doing this but Amy (our support group leader) is making us write letters to you. Well, me and Carlos and James are writing letters to you. The others, Grace, Susan and Greg are writing letters to their own family members. I don't really see the point in writing this. Amy said that we shouldn't even give the letters to the person we're writing them to. She just wants us to write our honest feelings down. Everything that we want to say to you but can't._

_I hate feeling weak like this, Logan. I'm the leader. I'm not supposed to be scared or worried or anything like that. I'm supposed to be the strong one that takes care of the rest. I always have before. Remember when that stupid jerk Aaron called Carlos a racist name? We were in ninth grade and he was a senior. I started beating him up I was so angry. Of course, you guys jumped in as soon as he had me pinned up against the wall. What about when James auditioned and Gustavo was rotten to him. Remember the giant turd song that I sang? And remember when we first started playing hockey? We were seven and you were the smallest on the team. The coach's five year old kid was bigger than you. No on wanted you on the team because they thought you were so small. But I managed to convince them to give you a chance. Turns out you were and always have been the quickest on the team._

_Maybe I don't always go about it the right way (especially with Carlos) but I've always managed to protect you guys. That's what a leader does. He protects his friends and family. And I always have. Until now. Now I can't do anything. I'm helpless to do anything. And that scares me, Logan. It scares the crap out of me. I've never felt so helpless before. I've always had the answers or a plan. Not anymore. I'm useless._

_I'm acting like such an idiot right now, Logan. I've never been this scared before and it's all coming out as anger. My mom and I can't have a normal conversation anymore. I always end up snapping at her. You should have heard us today. I didn't want to come to the Hope Center. I thought it was stupid and pointless. I mean, it's not like talking about our situation with people who are going through the same thing is going to help you. It doesn't change a thing. You're still sick. But anyway, Mom and I argued the whole way there. Carlos told me to shut up._

_Speaking of Carlos, I think he's handling this better than anyone else. Except for maybe you. You're always calm and cool even with something as awful as cancer._

_Cancer. Man, I can't believe I wrote that. You have cancer. My best friend Logan Mitchell has cancer. Even on paper it doesn't seem real. I'd do anything to have it not be real, Logan. Anything._

_But back to Carlos. He told me to shut up today. Do you remember ever hearing Carlos say shut up to anyone? He and I actually got into a pretty big argument. It was mostly my fault. Like I said, I was being a jerk. Carlos was just tired of me. But I really do think he's. . . coping the best. He's pretty much willing to go along with anything like usual. Including this group. I guess he figured that it couldn't hurt._

_If there's one thing that Carlos and I could agree on today, it had to be James. We're both worried about him, Logan. He's been so quiet lately. I mean, I know Carlos is the most talkative guy in our group but James can't be too far behind. He and Carlos feed off of each other too. They both talk more when they're together than when it's just one of them. Remember the party kings? That was only a couple months ago wasn't it?_

_Sorry, I can't stay on the subject. I'm- we're worried about James. Carlos and I. And probably my mom too. You know how James is always the first to have an opinion about everything? Well, not anymore. He doesn't care about anything anymore. He cares about you of course but anything else. . . He's wearing socks under his sandals today. He used to be practically obsessed with his clothes, remember? He used to say that socks under sandals weren't "in style". We used to tease him about it all the time too. But now there's nothing funny anymore. He's wearing mismatching socks too. They're slightly different shades of gray but it's noticeable. See what I mean? He doesn't carry around his lucky comb anymore either. He's so different._

_That reminds me. Carlos hasn't worn his lucky helmet in days. He doesn't need to because he's so cautious all of a sudden. Our Carlos is careful. Who would have ever thought that would happen? I hate it. I miss the old Carlos._

_I miss the old Carlos. The one who couldn't go five minutes without cracking a joke or pulling a prank or laughing at absolutely nothing. I miss the old James. The one who always spoke up and cared about his appearance. I miss the old you, Logan. The one who was safe and healthy and keeping us out of trouble. Not that we're getting in trouble lately. I miss the old me. The one who always had an answer or a plan. I don't even know who I am anymore. I miss the old us. Together._

_You know what else scares me? Your dad. I'm afraid he's going to leave you again and hurt you again. Okay, so he never really left you before. Not literally. You two still lived in the same house. But he never talked to you or came to a hockey game or even the awards ceremony at school when you won practically every prize for all of your grades. You always tried to pretend that you didn't care or that it got easier eventually. But I- we all could see that you were hurting. No matter how much you tried to hide it. It's pretty easy to see past someone's act when you've known them for as long as we've known you, Logan. I wish you let us help you. But I guess you don't need help anymore. He's back. And you're so ecstatic about it. It's like he never hurt you in the first place._

_Logan, if he ever leaves you again. . . we'll be here for you. Don't shut us out and pretend that you're okay. We're your friends. We'll always be here for you._

_Just don't leave us, okay? Man, Logan. Don't. . . don't die. It wouldn't be the same without you. I can't even imagine it. I don't want to_

_I can't think of anything else to say here. As weird as it sounds, it did help getting all of this off of my chest. I'm still worried and confused and scared but. . . I don't know. I'm not angry anymore. Not right now. I mean, I'm angry that you're so sick but I'm not angry at anyone. That's good I guess. After all, this is out of our control. It isn't anybody's fault. I don't know what I was thinking before. I was just. . . so angry more than anything. But now it feels like I can breath again. For now._

_-Kendall._

_Dear Logan,_

_I don't even know what to say. I know. Me, Carlos Garcia at a loss for words? How's that for something different? But everything's different now. Nothing's the same. So many changes. I hardly know what's going on anymore. I still can't believe that you're sick like this. Isn't this something we're supposed to read in the newspaper or see on TV? Except it's not supposed to be happening to us. It's supposed to be happening to some strangers that we feel sorry for. You never think it can happen to you or someone you know. When it does, everything changes._

_I wish I could do something or say something that would actually have an impact on this mess. I used to always be able to make you guys feel better somehow. No matter how bad you guys felt, I could always make you smile. I used to think that I had a gift for cheering people up. But this is too big. I can't handle it. I feel like a failure._

_I'm worried about Kendall. He's used to being in control or at least dealing with things. But how do you deal with something like this? You definitely can't control it. He can't really help you. That's really upsetting him, Logan. He wants to be able to help you so bad. He wants to be able to make you better. We all do. But James and I are used to feeling useless like this. Kendall always took care of things. We were always the ones to need him to help us. But he doesn't really understand what it's like to be helpless. He can't accept it. He's scared and he's covering it up by getting angry at all of us. He and his mom have been arguing a lot lately. I finally got sick of him treating her so rottenly that I told him to shut up._

_I don't remember ever feeling so. . . impatient and tense. And I've never lost my patience with any of you guys like I did with Kendall today. He and I actually argued. Not a little argument either. We were actually really mad at each other. I feel like I'm losing myself. I can't control myself very much anymore. I feel like I'm falling apart and I can't do anything about it. Kendall and I are okay now. We're fine. With each other that is. But it was so weird being at odds with him. What's happening to us?_

_James is scaring me. He's not himself. He's so far from okay. We all are. But he's so. . . vulnerable lately. James was never scared of anything. Nothing scares him, you know that. Gustavo in his worst mood used to make him laugh. He was always so happy. My party king buddy. Brave James is as scared as the rest of us now. And he doesn't talk very much at all anymore, much less smile or laugh or even sing._

_Man, remember how James was always singing and dancing? Even before we ever came to California. It was like he couldn't go a day without singing and dancing wherever he was. Remember when our hockey team made it to the state finals? We were waiting for the third period to start and Beyonce's 'Single Ladies' came on. Right there with the entire state of Minnesota watching (it was on TV!) James started dancing in his hockey gear!_

_Now, he's still and quiet. He's not James anymore. Come to think of it, Kendall isn't Kendall anymore and I'm not Carlos anymore. You're the only one who's still the same, Logan. Even though you're sick, you're the only one who's been unchanged._

_The thing that really bugs me is that we (Kendall, James and I) promised each other that we'd help each other and you through this. See, the day after you were. . . diagnosed, we had to tell Camille and Jo. Well, we didn't really have to, but we felt that we should. They had a right to know, didn't they Logan?_

_Anyway, we told them. They both started crying and I hugged Camille while Kendall hugged Jo. That's fine, right? But James was all alone. Not literally of course. He was right there with us. But for a little while, he was. . . sort of alone._

_Anyway, he jumped up and said he needed to go for a walk. I feel bad but Kendall and I forgot all about Camille and Jo. It sounds wrong but James was more important then. He needed us and we've known each other for so long. I don't know. Maybe we didn't handle it right, and maybe we did. But Kendall and I followed him. You know how fast James is, Logan. He started running as soon as he got outside and we ran all the way to that park where you can take paddle boats out onto the lake. Isn't that about five miles?_

_Logan, he scared me so much. He fell to the ground and he was crying really hard and he already couldn't breathe because he has been running so fast. His face started turning blue. You would have known what to do if you were there. I panicked and hit him really hard on the back. I guess it worked._

_After James calmed down enough to talk, he told us that he couldn't pretend anymore. He couldn't pretend that he was okay. None of us could. We promised to help each other and not let one of us put up a wall or anything. We promised._

_And now look at us. It hasn't been a month and we've already all broken that promise. We're not helping each other and we won't let each other help us. We're falling apart, Logan._

_We need you. We need you to get us together like you always have. You're the best at getting us out of things we're stuck in. We need your rational thinking because obviously, none of us are rational right now. We need you to be sensible and calm and wise. We need you, Logan. Which is ironic and weak of us because right now it should be you needing us. We failed each other and you, Logan. I'm so sorry._

_This can be fixed though, right? I'm sure this group will help. I think it already is helping us. I hope so. I don't know what I'll do if I lose this friendship with you three. It's pretty much all I've ever known. My clearest memories are with you, Kendall and James. We've always been there for each other. We'll make it through this, won't we?_

_Logan, you have to do your part too. You have to fight and not give up. We'll help you however we can. We can't do this without you, Logan. We just can't. We need you. We're fighting with you. Don't give up and I know we'll be okay._

_That's all I can think of to say right now. I'm glad Amy gave us this. . . assignment I guess you could say. We're not even supposed to give these letters to you. I mean, I guess we can if we want. But Amy said she wanted us to write our feelings down like this. Maybe seeing our thoughts and feelings on paper will help us understand or at least cope better? I don't know. I do feel relieved. A little anyway. I don't think I would ever have the courage to tell you all this to yourself but it needed to be said. Or in this case, written. I think whatever Amy was trying to do worked for me. I'm still not okay, of course. But I'm better. For now._

_-Carlos._

_Dear Logan,_

_I don't even know where to begin. How did this happen? To us? To you? Of all people why you? You've never done a really bad thing in your life. You've always been. . . what was it you told the policemen when we got caught toilet papering the principle's house back in Minnesota? A victim of circumstance? Yeah, that sounds right. You always got dragged along for the ride. Willingly of course, which is something I've never been able to figure out. I haven't been able to figure out much of anything lately._

_Our group leader, Amy, wants us all to write letters. There's three other people in the group besides the three of us. They're all adults with family members diagnosed with cancer. We're the youngest in our group and you're the youngest cancer patient. There's this guy named Greg who's pretty young. He's maybe twenty-five? His wife has cancer. They've only been married for three months. Grace is an old woman who used to mountain climb with her husband John. Now John is sick. And Susan has a sister with cancer. She's middle aged. I'm guessing all of these people are the same ages as their family members. Greg's wife is young but you're way younger._

_Seventeen. When you're seventeen you shouldn't have to worry about things like cancer. You're supposed to be getting your license and playing hockey and getting ready for college. College, Logan! You've always wanted to go to college. You have to get better so you can ace your SATS and get into an ivy league school and graduate as valedictorian. You're going to be a doctor, remember?_

_How stupid is that? You've always dreamed of being a doctor and now you're sick like this. I didn't know irony could be so heartless._

_This whole thing is so stupid. None of it makes sense. We're a mess, Logan. We need you, buddy. Without you. . . we're lost. We've been a foursome so long that the three of us just feels incomplete and strange._

_Kendall doesn't know what to do. He's always the one with a plan. But there's no plan for this. It's not something that anybody can prepare you for or something you learn in school. "How to Cope When a Best Friend Has Cancer." Can you imagine? Though I guess that's kinda what we're doing now, isn't it? But Kendall is really struggling right now. It's like he wants to help us all even though he really can't. He needs to help himself first. And he needs to let us help him too. But you know Kendall. He's used to being able to figure things out himself. He needs to accept our help._

_But lately, he's pushing us all away. He's so angry all the time. Do you think he's in denial? Maybe a little. I know I am. Often I can convince myself that I'm just imagining everything. Carlos told him that he was in denial today. Kendall got really mad when he said that. He and Carlos got pretty mad at each other. We've never fought like that before. Still though, I don't think Kendall meant much of what he said. He looked shocked when he said that Carlos blamed you for this._

_Carlos is really confused too. He's used to being so happy all the time and he can't be happy anymore. I mean, I guess he can. You would want us to be happy. But it's pretty hard with you in the hospital as sick as you are. It was really weird when Carlos and Kendall argued. Carlos looked surprised at his own words. I think he was serious but Carlos was never very opinionated. He kept a lot of his thoughts to himself. Tact, you called it. _

_Whether they meant their words or not, Kendall and Carlos scared me today. What's going to happen to us if we. . . if we lose you, Logan? You're like the glue that hold us together. Actually, we're all the glue. But we need all four of us to make things work. Otherwise we just fall apart. We're falling apart right now, Logan._

_I can't believe this is happening. Just a couple of months ago, we were recording a CD. How did things change so much so quickly? We were fine. And then you got sick but we thought it was just a cold. You got better for a while. And then you collapsed at the rink._

_Logan, I've never been so scared before. I thought we had lost you right then and there and I didn't have a single idea why. It was surreal. I didn't know that Mike knew so much about handling an emergency like that. Do you think he learned it when he was playing hockey or he had to learn it before they let him work at the rink? You would have loved to see him. He was so quick and calm about the whole thing and was talking to the 911 operator so professionally. It was comforting having him there._

_It was such a huge relief when you woke up briefly. I knew you weren't dead then. We still didn't know what was wrong though and it was awful. I've never seen Kendall panic before. He's always been pretty laid back and calm. When we first saw you lying on the ice, he froze. Carlos was pretty calm though. He saw you first and was halfway over to you before Kendall and I could move. He cried. It was the first time I really saw Carlos cry since. . . I don't remember seeing Carlos cry like he did that day. We were all so scared for you. I don't remember what I was doing. All I saw was everyone else and what they were doing._

_How advanced is your cancer, Logan? That's what really scares me. I haven't said much lately. All I can think of is how sick you are. What if we took you to the doctor right when you started feeling sick? Would that have been better? Would it have helped? All I know is that I was an absolute jerk to you when you were sick, Logan. I was so mad that you ruined our CD recording. I had been waiting for years for a chance like that and then you had to get sick. It wasn't your fault. I knew that. But I was still so mad. I tried to play it off and pretend that I didn't care but you knew anyway. I hurt you, Logan._

_If anyone deserves to be sick, it's me. I'm so self-absorbed and rotten. I should be the one with cancer for the way I treated you. You had cancer for crying out loud and I was blaming you for putting my dream on hold. I thought that my dream was all that mattered. Me, me, me. Me and my dream. That's all that mattered to me. I wouldn't have even been here without the three of you. But I was so lost in my dream of becoming famous that I forgot all about what really matters. Friends, family, people. It's not all about me._

_I'm sorry, Logan. I really am. I feel so guilty. Maybe I pushed you all too hard. No, I do know that you getting cancer isn't my fault. I know that. But I still feel guilty._

_I'm going to come right out and say it: Logan, you cannot die. You're too young. You're too good. You're Logan. You're our friend. Forget about Big Time Rush. That's not what has kept us together for so many years. To tell you the truth, I have no clue why we're friends. We're so different. But why we're friends doesn't matter. What matters is that we are friends and that we remain friends. So don't give up, Logan. We have so much left to do together._

_Writing all of this down really helped me. More than I thought it would. Earlier today, I was blaming myself for you being sick. But seeing these words on this piece of paper, I realized that it's not my fault. It's nobody's fault. It's just one of those things in life that no one can make sense of and absolutely sucks. I'm not completely okay. I still feel guilty for being so selfish and rotten to you. But I feel. . . better than I have in days, we'll just stick with that. I feel more like myself. For now._

_-James._

_Dear Logan,_

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't a father to you when you needed me. I'm sorry I missed all of your hockey games and all of your awards at school and your eighth grade graduation. I'm sorry I shut you out for so many years. I messed up big time. If there was any possible way that I could take back the past eleven years and live them over again, I would do it in a heartbeat, even if it meant losing your mother all over again._

_There are no words or excuses to explain my actions. I was so lost in my own grief that I forgot all about you. My own flesh and blood and the one true piece of your mother that I had left. I know I hurt you and I don't deserve to be forgiven ever. Your friends are right to resent me. They were the ones who stayed by your side and their parents were the ones who cheered on all of your accomplishments proudly, as if you were their own son. They were the ones who picked up the pieces that I left behind. They were the ones who supported you, who encouraged you. Lacey Knight was the one who mothered you for the past few months here in LA while I ignored you._

_I've seen the way they all care for you. Not just Kendall's mother, but Carlos' and James' mothers too. They were the mother you needed when you were picked on for being small and smart. And their fathers were the father you needed when you succeeded in every sport you tried out in. Together they were the parents you needed when you didn't fit in, when you got straight A's since first grade, when you broke your first bone, when you got your first (and only) detention. They were the parents you needed when you were your hockey teams' top scorer the season you turned thirteen, when you had your first crush, when you discovered your love of music._

_You are an incredibly gifted person, Logan. You remind me so much of your mother the way you try new things and succeed in virtually everything. She was brilliant the way you are. She was compassionate the way you are. She was painfully shy like you are. She was athletic the way you are. She had a beautiful voice the way you do. She would be so proud of you, Logan._

_I don't deserve you as a son, Logan. I am ruined man. Losing your mother destroyed me and the relationship I had with you for just six years. I don't deserve your forgiveness or your love. I tried to be your father again. But the guilt and grief are too much. Whenever I look at you I see your mother and I think of all that I lost. The pain is nearly unbearable. I can't stand to watch you suffer when I'm the one who deserves to be so sick._

_Trust me one last time, Logan. You are far better off without me. I don't deserve a son like you and you certainly do not deserve a failure as a father. I know that you have many people much more deserving of you than I am. That's why I'm leaving you in their care. You deserve to have someone who can bear to look you in your eyes, Logan. You do not deserve me._

_Please don't blame yourself, Logan. I am a weak coward. You have every right to hate me. It breaks my heart to know that I'm hurting you yet again. I'm sorry that you trusted me after all these years and that I let you down again. But this is something I have to do. I can barely explain it besides the fact that we don't deserve each other._

_You'll be fine without me. You'll beat the cancer and go on to lead a happy life with your friends and their families. You'll marry a wonderful woman (maybe even that girl Camille) and have a beautiful family. Whatever you do, you will do it successfully. I believe in you. I hope that you can one day forget all about me and what I've done to you. I know that I will never forget you and whatever you do, wherever you go, I will watching you from a distance and be so proud of you. My only wish would be that I could be deserving of that pride._

_I have to leave, Logan. I cannot be here in LA for another day. I don't know where I'm going but it will be far away. Out of the country somewhere. I will try to make this as easy as possible for you and remove myself entirely from your life. I sold our house in Minnesota. We won't need it and it hold too many memories._

_Please go on living as if I never walked back into your life. I regret it only because I ended up walking away again. I know you were doing fine without me and I know you'll be even better off without me._

_Your "father"._

**A/N. Um, I'm sorry. I didn't intend for this chapter to be so long and angsty. It ran away with me. However, I am very pleased with it. Personally, my favorite chapter so far. Please review and let me know your own thoughts. Oh, and I regret to tell you that I won't be able to update again until Sunday at the earliest. I'm going away for a weekend "camping" trip in Cooperstown, NY. I'll be staying in a cabin thank you very much. Hence the "camping". Anyway, it's 4:00 and I've exhausted myself despite 48 ounces of caffeine. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now. LLAP all.**


	19. Needing

**A/N. I just want to say that coming home to all the awesome reviews was about the best welcome home present ever. YAY! Oh, and if you haven't already then you should watch XeroPrime's music video for this fic on YouTube. "Big Time Rush Keep Holding On". Yes sir, watch, comment, and rate. I've watched it several times and it never fails to inspire me. As for this fic, read and review. YAY! I don't own anything. Read on.**

Carlos set his pencil down and flexed his fingers. He couldn't remember a time when he had written so much at one time. He had needed to use several pieces of paper before he finally ran out of words. And in the beginning of his letter he had felt at a loss for words. Carlos sighed. Once he had started to write, everything had just poured out of him. It wasn't even like he had control over his hand anymore. It just wrote and wrote until finally there was nothing more to say. His unspoken questions and fears stared back at him in words. Reading them, it all seemed so much real. And at the same time Carlos was even more scared, yet calmer somehow.

Glancing up, he looked around the room. Grace had finished her letter and was rereading it and smiling as she did so. Probably over a fond memory she had jotted down. Susan was staring at her own letter thoughtfully. Every once in a while, a smile would grace her tired features and she would scribble down more words. Greg held his finished letter in silence. He ran his fingers over the pages and stared out the window at the blue sky. Besides him, Kendall had turned his pages face down on the table. He held his head in his hands but somehow Carlos knew that his friend was merely deep in thought, and so he left him alone. On the other side of Kendall, Carlos noticed that James was still scribbling furiously. His face was a mask of concentration and he showed no sign of noticing Carlos staring at him.

Carlos glanced down at his own letter. The pages were filled with his messy hand writing and dark smudges from the countless times he had used his eraser. He frowned and smoothed out a wrinkled page wishing it could be neater. But then again, unless Carlos wanted Logan to read his letter, then it really didn't matter what it looked like. Even if Logan did read the letter at some point, he wouldn't care about what it looked like. Still, as Carlos glanced around the room again, he wished he had at least attempted to control his frantic writing.

Suddenly, Amy cleared her throat. Carlos snapped his head up and pulled the papers closer to his chest, wrinkling them further. He felt ridiculously over protective of his letter. He didn't want anybody, except for Logan and Carlos wasn't even sure about that, seeing anything he had written down. It was far too personal and honest.

"Okay, I see everyone's more or less done their letters." Amy glanced around the room, meeting their gazes. "Does anyone want to share anything they wrote down? It's perfectly fine if you don't. These letters are as personal as you want them to be." Only silence met her question. "All right. What about memories of the person you wrote your letter to?"

Instantly, as if by its own power, Carlos' hand shot up in the air. Amy smiled at him encouragingly. Carlos looked down slightly embarrassed. He cleared his throat and then spoke. "Well, see Logan's really smart. In fact he wants to be a doctor." He grinned, proud of his friend. "Anyway, Logan's really smart and I'm. . . well, I'm not too smart. One summer I had to take a math class so that I could move on to the next grade in the fall. Logan was going to go to this program they had at a college a few hours away from home. It was for kids who were considering becoming doctors. He paid for it himself and it wasn't cheap. But when he heard about my math class. . ." Carlos trailed off and swiped at a tear. "Logan dropped out of the program and stayed home. He tutored me in math all summer long." He laughed a little. "I got a A." His voice dropped to a near whisper. "That's the kind of friend Logan has always been, ya know? He's always there for us and ready to help however he can."

Kendall was nodding as Carlos spoke. When he finished, the other boy continued talking about their friend. "Carlos is exactly right. Logan is the smartest. He's not only book smart but sensible too. The three of us-" He gestured to himself, Carlos, and James. "We aren't sensible. We get into so much trouble because we don't think at all before we act. Anyway, Logan always says how he needs to get mew friends. See, he always gets dragged into our. . . adventures. But he's just joking. Logan's about as loyal as a friend could get. No matter what kind of trouble we get into he's always right there with us." He shrugged. "Sorry, that wasn't a very specific memory." He gave a small grin. "What can I say? A lot of my memories are of us getting into trouble."

When Kendall finished, everyone automatically turned to James. He flushed and dropped his gaze but spoke softly anyway. "Kendall and Carlos don't actually know this." He shot a quick look at his friends to gauge their reactions. Both of them looked puzzled and confused as they struggled to think of a time that the four of them hadn't been all together, at least to share a significant moment. "But Logan actually saved my life when we were fourteen." At that, Kendall's and Carlos' jaws both dropped.

"What happened?" Carlos demanded. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"When exactly did this happen?" Kendall asked at the same time.

"Boys," Amy said gently. "Let James finish."

"Well, like I said it was when we were fourteen. It was summer and early in the morning. A few miles from Logan's house there was a lake and the four of us had actually built a canoe that summer. It was a great canoe. It floated really well and was lightweight. . . Logan had a big part in the mechanics of it." He brushed his hair out of his eyes and continued. "Anyway, that day neither Kendall and Carlos were home. Kendall's grandparents from Kansas were visiting and Carlos' family was getting ready for a barbeque. He has a huge family. So Logan and I decided to go fishing and if we got hot then we could always go swimming."

Carlos and Kendall were staring at him wordlessly. Carlos' leg was bouncing up and down like it always did when he was nervous. Kendall was absentmindedly chewing on his knuckle. The rest of the group waited anxiously to hear the rest.

"So we fished for about half and hour or so and then I was getting bored. I started fooling around. I stood up in the canoe and tried to show Logan that it was possible to do the Michael Jackson's moon walk when you're in a boat. He was freaking out in typical Logan fashion telling me that I was going to tip the canoe if I wasn't careful. He was right of course. The canoe flipped and we fell into the water."

James took a deep breath and continued. "We're all really good swimmers but when I fell into the water I got my foot caught in something. . . like an old fishing net? I couldn't pull myself loose and I was panicking. I couldn't even tell which way it was to the surface the water was so dark. I was running out of air and starting to black out when Logan dove down and managed to pull me free. I was so weak I couldn't do anything so Logan grabbed me a pulled me to shore."

"When we were on land, Logan absolutely flipped out. He was pacing back and forth and yelling at me and then asking me if I was okay. He finally calmed down and we pulled the canoe back to shore and went home." James twisted his hands in his lap while the others waited and watched. "We never told anyone, even Carlos and Kendall because we were afraid our parents would somehow find out and they would take out canoe away and ground us or something like that even though it was all my fault. But yeah, Logan saved my life."

Finally looking up, James glances at Kendall and Carlos whose facial expressions ranged from amazement to concern and even a little hurt and anger that they had never been told the story before. James swallowed past the lump in his throat. "I just wish I could return the favor someday." He blurted out and then went back to staring at his hands.

For a while, nobody spoke. Then, Amy cleared her throat again. "Thank you so much for sharing all of you. Logan sounds like a true friend." She smiled gently when the three boys nodded simultaneously and handed over the box of tissues when they began to sniff. "I'd like to meet him someday." She looked around the room as she said this. "If any your sick friends or family members is able to have visitors or even visit us, please let me know. One of the ways I hope we can encourage one another is by getting to know their loved ones." She paused and watched everyone nod to show that they understood. "Good. Now, does anyone else want to share anything?"

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Everyone glanced over curiously as Amy called, "Please come in!" The door opened to reveal a worried looking Mrs. Knight. Before she could say a word, Kendall, James, and Carlos had leaped to their feet.

"Mom." The one word stuck in Kendall's throat and came on in a choking voice. He untangled himself from James and Carlos and hurried over to his mother. His legs felt shaky, far too shaky to actually support him but he managed to reach her. "Mom, what is it? What's wrong? Is Logan okay?" The last question was stupid. He already knew that something was wrong with Logan. But he had no idea what it could be. Mentally, he screamed at himself inwardly for letting everyone talk him in to going to the support group. The three of them should be with Logan, not talking about him to a bunch of strangers.

Mrs. Knight put a calming hand on her son's shoulder. "Sweetie, I have no idea what's wrong. Honestly. I was out running errands and the hospital called me on my cell. They told me that Logan was extremely distressed for some reason but they can't get him to talk."

As she was speaking, James and Carlos were already gathering their papers together. Carlos nearly threw Kendall's letter at him in his rush to get out the door. Amy bent to gather the fallen papers together. For once, her calm face was concerned and even a little bit worries. "I hope everything is okay, boys." She said softly, everyone knowing that it was an empty wish. The other members of the group looked on, wearing matching looks of concern.

"Thank you." Mrs. Knight flung over her shoulder as she turned to follow the boys who had already disappeared from the room. She found them waiting impatiently by the van and pressed the automatic unlock button. The boys piled in and as she started the car, all three of them leaned forward as if they could somehow make the car go faster.

Despite the fact that she was usually a cautious driver, Kendall's mother drove slightly over the speed limit the entire ride and they reached the hospital in minutes. To the boys though, it felt much longer. As soon as Mrs. Knight pulled up to the hospital doors, Kendall, James, and Carlos practically fell out of the van. They stumbled, caught themselves, and rushed into the building. Dimly they heard Mrs. Knight calling that she would be in as soon as she could find a parking space.

"Logan Mitchell. Where is he?" Kendall crashed into the front desk with the other two boys close behind him.

"I'm sorry, are you family?" The old woman behind the desk frowned in disapproval at them.

"What? No, he's our best friend!" The three boys were thrown off by the question and paused in confusion. "All we want to know is if Logan is in the same room." James said recovering quickly.

"Well, hospital protocol says that-"

"Screw hospital protocol!" Carlos said angrily. "We were just here yesterday!"

"Young man, I'm going to have to ask you to lower your voice." The woman said sharply.

"'I'll lower my voice when you tell us where our friend is!" Carlos, never one to get angry, had absolutely had it with the woman. He ignored the looks they were getting from the people waiting in the Emergency Room. "His name's Logan Jay Mitchell, he's seventeen years old, he has dark brown hair and brown eyes, he's about 5' 9'' and 180 pounds, he likes to sing and dance and read play hockey, and he has freaking cancer and-" Carlos' voice rose in panic and he rambled on losing track of what he was even saying. Finally, mercifully, he was interrupted.

"Boys!" Doctor Walsh was walking rapidly toward them, a relieved but worried look on his face. "Thank goodness you're here." He nodded to the woman behind the desk. "Don't worry, Maude. They're with me now." He focused his attention back on the boys. "Come with me."

"What's happening?" James asked as they followed the oncologist. "What's wrong with Logan? Is he hurt? Sick?"

Doctor Walsh shook his head. "As far as we can tell, no. But he's very distressed right now and won't talk to anyone. We figured that since you're his close friends-"

"Where the heck his father?" Kendall asked sharply. His face had darkened in quick anger.

Again, the doctor shook his head. "We don't know." He admitted. "We can't contact him at all."

**A/N. What do you know, more angst! Did you miss me? Honestly, I missed you all. I hope you liked this chapter. It's almost 4am and I need sleep. Please review and tell me how you liked it! Reviews keep the story going! You know what else keeps the story going? XeroPrime's music video: "Big Time Rush Keep Holding On". Seriously, guys, whenever I'm stuck I watch that video and BOOM I'm unstuck. So help me thank XP by watching, rating, and commenting on the video. YAY! LLAP.**


	20. Shattered

**A/N. Sorry for the late chapter. I tried to write it last night but nothing was coming to me. Also, I slept from 6am to 8am this morning. That's all. I started to get a little depressed when I could see the sun coming up. LOL. I'll live. Sleep is overrated. I don't own anything by the way. Read on.**

The doctor's words stopped the three boys in their tracks. They stared at him in disbelief. "What do you mean?" Kendall asked slowly. The deadly seriousness in his voice caught the doctor off guard and he looked back at the boys in confusion.

"Just what I said." He told them in a puzzled tone. "We haven't been able to reach his father at all. We called the hotel he's been staying at and his cell phone several times." He was still speaking when Kendall started walking again, Carlos and James close behind. He hurried to keep up with their quick pace. "Is there a problem? I mean, are you boys aware of something that we aren't?"

"I sure hope not." Kendall said grimly. "I hope we're wrong." He ignored Doctor Walsh's questions as they walked down the hall of the cancer ward. This time, he took no notice of anyone else except for himself, James, and Carlos. A feeling of dread tightened his chest. Logan being seriously upset, the hospital being unable to contact Mr. Mitchell. It was all adding up to one gigantic nightmare.

As they neared Logan's room another doctor met them in the narrow hallway. "Doctor Walsh, we received a call back from the hotel where Mr. Mitchell has been staying." He paused to make sure he had their attention. The boys stared at him, their faces matching masks of fear and worry. The doctor cleared his throat, frowning as he continued. "Mr. Mitchell has checked out of the hotel." It was clear that the news had been a complete surprise and he and Doctor Walsh traded bewildered looks. Kendall, James, and Carlos though, were a different story.

"Oh no." Kendall whispered. The growing feeling of dread intensified. As much as he had resented Logan's father he would have given anything to be wrong right then and there. "Not that." He snapped out of his stunned state and moved past the two doctors, James and Carlos at his side.

"What?" Doctor Walsh demanded. He had caught Kendall's words and was now following the three boys. "Kendall, do you know what's going on?"

"I have a pretty good feeling." Kendall called back. He wasn't going to wait for the doctor to catch up. He ignored the other questions being thrown at them from behind and continued on. Reaching the door he gripped the knob and stood there for a second. "What are we going to do?" He pleaded for an answer that wasn't there.

"We could be wrong." Carlos suggested. The optimistic words coming out of his mouth were contradicted by the tone in which they were spoken. "It could be something else."

"I doubt it." Kendall's eyes were dark and furious. He took a deep breath to calm himself. "Let's relax a little." He advised his friends. "Like Carlos said. . . we _could_ be wrong. But whatever it is, Logan doesn't need to see us like this. It'll just upset him more." He waited until they were all reasonably calm and then opened the door.

Logan lay on his side in his bed facing the wall on the other side of the room. He showed no sign that he was aware of his friends' entrance into the room. The boys walked slowly and silently over to his side, afraid to say anything.

In the twelve years that the boys had known each other, neither James, Carlos, or Kendall had ever seen Logan cry. Life had thrown so much at him and instead of laying down and quitting or even challenging them, Logan let himself be hit by numerous, heart breaking situations. His mother's death, his father's aloofness, his diagnosis of cancer, and now whatever was wrong now. He was the rock of the group. Always steady and solid no matter what was going on.

But it would have been a lie for the boys to say that Logan didn't hurt. He didn't hurt. A lot. He suffered in silence though. He never wanted to burden anyone with his own problems. He never let his friends see him cry.

Now, it was obvious that he had been crying. His eyes were red rimmed and swollen and his pale face was still wet from the tears that had fallen. Every once in a while, his breath hitched in a quiet sob that shattered the stillness of the room. But it was his eyes that bothered Kendall the most. A stranger might look at them and see the tear washed brightness. But his friends looked at his vacant stare and saw an unimaginable pain in them. It wasn't a physical pain, but a deep emotional one that hurt his friends to look at.

"Logan?" Kendall finally broke the silence. He stared at Logan in disbelief. He had never seen his friend so utterly helpless. The happy light in his brown eyes that had still been there even when Logan learned he was so sick, was completely gone and replaced with a haunted emptiness. He didn't even blink at Kendall's whisper.

"Logan, say something." Carlos' voice shook as he pleaded with his best friend. "We're your friends. You can talk to us."

"Boys, what in the world is-"

"Doctor Walsh, you need to go away." Carlos turned away from Logan to look at the doctor who still looked incredibly confused, which really was understandable. But Carlos had no patience for someone who was interrupting them when Logan was such a wreck. Neither did James or Kendall but they tactfully let Carlo handle the situation. "Listen, I know you mean well but this is something you can't fix." He swallowed hard and looked back at his friend. Catatonic. He couldn't remember where he had first heard the word and he wasn't entirely sure what it meant but for some reason it seemed to fit Logan perfectly. "Please leave us alone for a little while, okay?" He threw a pleading look at Doctor Walsh who hesitated and then nodded reluctantly. The boys watched him leave in relief.

"What happened, Logan?" James was the first to speak up again. He sank down into a chair near by. His legs didn't feel strong enough to hold him. Logan was scaring him. He had never seen his friend like this. So hopeless, so sad, so. . . broken. He was shattered. James was almost one hundred percent sure what had happened but there was a tiny part of him that hoped for something, almost anything else.

"Please, Logan." Kendall bit his lip and struggled to keep him composure but it was rapidly failing him. "Say something." He searched his friend's face but saw nothing but pain there. Then something caught his eye. Logan clutched a single sheet of paper in his left hand. He held it so tightly that his knuckles were white. Without even thinking, Kendall reached over and tugged on the paper. To his surprise, Logan released it without a word. The paper slipped from his fingers without a single protest or even a minute reaction.

With shaking hands, Kendall unfolded the paper and much to James' and Carlos' distress, began to read it silently. They craned their necks to see over his shoulder and keep a wary eye on Logan at the same time. As Kendall read it his jaw tightened and he was visibly furious. His hands were no longer shaking from fear but from anger as he read each word. Tears blurred his vision but not enough to keep the awful truth away. He had hoped to the very last that he had been mistaken in his assumption but it was all to clear now. Kendall never wanted to be wrong more than he did that day and when he found out he was right, he was absolutely sickened. Logan's father had abandoned him yet again.

"He doesn't want me." The paper fell from Kendall's hands and the three boys turned to see Logan looking at them. "What did I do wrong this time?" His voice was small and filled with sadness. He continued to talk as if to himself. "I thought he came back for good this time. I thought everything was going to be okay. Getting cancer was worth it if it meant I got my dad back." Logan sat up and faced his friends, his eyes focusing on them and pleading for an answer. "Was it because I was tired all the time? Was I boring to be around? Was it because I got a B in Geography this year?" His sentences ran and tripped over each other. He choked back more tears. "What's the matter with me?" He asked desperately, his voice rising. "Why am I such a screw up?" He fell back into his bed and started crying again.

"Logan." Kendall said in disbelief. "Logan, none of this is your fault." He put a hand on Logan's shaking shoulder. "How can you even think that?"

Logan's sobs tore through the boys like a knife. He refused to be comforted and was convinced that his father's abandonment was his fault. When he finally quieted into sniffs and coughs he forced himself back up into a sitting position. He pulled his knees up to his chin and wrapped his arms around his legs. "I know it's my fault." He said firmly looking at each of his friends.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Carlos exclaimed. "Logan, you can't possibly think it's really your fault. It's your dad's fault. He let you down, Logan. Not the other way around." He searched his mind frantically for more words. "He left you, Logan. And he had no reason to leave you either. Especially now. He's a jerk. A coward and a jerk."

"No." Logan shook his head violently. "It's not." He studied the hospital blanket as he spoke. "If I only tried harder. Maybe when this all first started. Then maybe we never would have had problems in the first place."

"Logan, you couldn't have tried harder." James said, desperate to convince Logan that he wasn't to blame. "You tried every day for years, Logan. You never did anything to deserve this."

"Maybe it was because I came to LA in the first place." Logan said as if he hadn't even heard James. "Maybe if I stayed in Minnesota, we could have worked things out." He looked up at his friends. "Do you think so?"

"Do we think so?" Kendall asked in disbelief. "Logan, no. Your dad didn't even talk to you. He avoided you as much as he could." He shook his head. "And he did it all for no reason. Absolutely reason. He just doesn't deserve you, Logan."

It was Logan's turn to shake his head. "No." He said sadly. "I don't deserve a father, that's all. I don't blame him for leaving." He brought his hands together and started to trace the scar on one hand with the other. "I hurt him too much."

"Logan, how on Earth did _you_ hurt _him_?" Kendall ran a hand through his hair. "He was the one who never said a word to you, who never came to any of our hockey games, or any of your award ceremonies at school. He was the one who spent all of his time at work so he wouldn't have to be home. I don't know why but he didn't want to be with you. He hurt you, Logan. And now he's hurting you all over again."

"Look." James picked up the fallen letter and pointed to a sentence. "He says right here how it's not your fault. How can you argue with that?"

"Because." Logan whispered. "It _is_ my fault. Everything. Even the accident." He sniffed and dragged a sleeve over his eyes. "It's my fault that my mother died. I killed her."

The boys stared at him wordlessly. Kendall opened his mouth to say something but no words would come. James shook his head several times unable to think of any way to respond to Logan. Carlos' mouth simply dropped open in disbelief.

Finally, Carlos managed to find the words. "Logan." He said in a shaking but firm voice. "Listen to me." His dark eyes flashed with indignation and as Logan opened his mouth to protest he held up a hand. "No. Don't talk, just listen. When I'm done you can talk." Logan dropped his gaze and went back to studying the blanket.

"Logan." Carlos' voice softened. "There is no way it was your fault your mother died. It was an _accident_." He stressed the word. "You were six years old. All you did was sit in the back seat. It was raining, the roads were slippery, and another car just lost control. End of story." Carlos' voice caught. "Man, _you_ could have died too! Nobody did anything wrong. It was an accident. One of those things that just happens and there's no explanation for it at all. It doesn't make sense."

"You dad. . ." Carlos struggled to keep his emotions in check and not show his anger at Mr. Mitchell. "He fell apart, Logan and you were just a kid. There was nothing you could have done. And then when you did get old enough he just didn't want to be fixed. He-"

"What are you my shrink now?" Logan snapped. "Why can't I make you all understand? It's so obvious that this is my fault. I can't do anything right. I'm nothing but a stupid kid who's good at screwing things up. Look at me!" He gestured with a trembling arm. "I messed up everything for Big Time Rush. We can't sing or dance, we can't even practice because I'm stuck in this freaking hospital. I ruined everything."

"Logan, you can't help being sick like this!" James broke in. "Gosh, I swear Logan if I could I would switch places with you. I'm the one who deserves to have cancer, not you."

Logan stared. "James, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You? Listen, Kendall's the one who's the leader. He always has great ideas and plans and he doesn't get caught up in the Hollywood thing. He always stand up for his friends. He could play professional hockey if he wanted to! Carlos is funny and friendly with everyone. Everyone loves Carlos and why shouldn't they? He's genuinely nice to them. And you, James. You're good looking and you have so much talent. You could do anything you want to do. And look at me. What good am I?" He slumped down against his pillows. "None of your dads hate you."

Silently, Kendall was calling Logan's father every name he could think of. A rage was building up inside of him but it was stopped by worry for Logan. "Logan." He forced Logan to look up at him, wincing at the lost look in his friend's eyes. "Listen. You're smart. Really smart. You've always been such a great student and you've used that gift to help other people."

"Yeah, like when you tutored me in math all summer!" Carlos chimed in, desperate to help in some way.

"Exactly." Kendall nodded. "But you're not just book smart. You're sensible and you always get us out of our problems that we three get us into."

"You come up with most of the plan, Kendall." Logan said softly. But Kendall could see that his stubbornness was fading and jumped on the chance.

"Maybe but not alone. We need your brain most of the time. And Logan, you're the most loyal friend anyone could have. You're always there for us when we need you to say or do the right thing. And even though you don't need to, you go along with all of our crazy plans and get in trouble right next to us even when you can get out of it."

Carlos picked up where Kendall left off. "Everything you do, you're great at, Logan. You're a great singer and. . . you're getting better at dancing all the time." James and Kendall gave him alarmed glares but at his words, Logan smiled a little if only briefly. Encouraged, Carlos rushed on. "You're one of the best hockey players I've known, you really good at building things, remember that canoe?"

"Yeah. Remember that canoe?" James forced a wobbly smile. "Logan, you saved my life. I. . ." He shook his head. "Logan, I would be dead if it wasn't for you."

"What we're saying, Logan." Kendall started in again. "Is that you're far from worthless. The one who is worthless is your dad." He bit his lip when he saw Logan flinch at the harsh words. "I'm sorry, Logan. But anyone who would throw away their own son like he threw you away is a selfish jerk and there's no way that he deserves you. He didn't deserve you when he came back but you took him back any. And I have the sick feeling that if he came back then you would take him back again because that's the kind of person you are. Logan, if you have a fault it's because you're way too trusting and forgiving."

"Logan, just forget your dad." Carlos said softly. "You don't need him. You've never needed him. You have us. We're here for you and we're not going anywhere."

Logan blinked the tears back furiously. "I. . . I don't know what to say." He rested his forehead on his knees. "I'm just so. . . it hurts." He looked back up at them. The tears were slowly falling but he didn't seem to notice.

"We know." James said. "Logan, we don't know what it feels like to lose a mother and figuratively speaking, a father. We don't know what it's like to have. . . cancer. So we don't know how you feel exactly. But we know you're hurting and we want to help. But Logan, you have to let us help you."

Logan nodded slowly. "I know." He whispered. "But it's easier said than done."

**A/N. Wow, it's not even midnight and I'm done this chapter! YAY! The benefits of starting at 7:00. . . ANYWAY, I hope you liked this chapter. I'm happy with it. I hope it wasn't too angsty. I'm exhausted and feeling depressed and worried and stressed and. . . I'll shut up now. Let's just say I'm taking my emotions out on this story, that's why it's so angsty. ANYWAY, if you liked it please review! Thanks so much for all of your awesome reviews that continues to encourage me. You guys are the best! LLAP.**


	21. Insomnia

**A/N. Last night I actually got eight hours of sleep! Okay, maybe seven. And maybe it's because I slept until 12:00 in the afternoon. . . But hey, you have to take what you can get right? By the way, this chapter is dedicated to XeroPrime and any others out there who like me, have trouble sleeping. Hope you all enjoy! ANYWAY, read on. I don't own anything.**

James shifted uncomfortably on the cot that he was trying to sleep in. He winced as it creaked at the slight movement and waited to make sure that nobody had been woken up by the sound. Then when no one stirred, he sat up and sighed. When they had learned what had happened that afternoon, the boys had adamantly refused to leave Logan's side that night. After nearly half an hour of the three of them and Mrs. Knight arguing and pleading, the doctors shoved aside hospital protocol for the night and pulled out cots for each of the boys. James was immensely grateful that they had been allowed to stay the night but the cots had to be the most uncomfortable things in the history of sleeping furniture. He rubbed his back. A metal bar had been poking him there and he was envisioning himself walking around like Quasimodo the next morning. Not that it really mattered. James frowned.

There was enough light for James to see that his friends were all fast asleep. Carlos was curled into a ball and drooling onto his pillow. Kendall was just the opposite. He lay splayed out his arms and legs hanging over the edge of his own cot. Both of them looked exhausted from the emotional storm that had been hovering over their heads all day long. Of course, the two of them were notorious for their ability to sleep almost anywhere. On the other hand, Logan and James shared the dubious bond of being light sleepers. Such light sleepers in fact that Logan had unofficially diagnosed them with insomnia. Kendall and Carlos had gotten so sick of the two walking around their rooms late at night and keeping them up that they had designated the family room as the "Nighttime Insomniac Room" and made James and Logan wander around in there since it was further from everyone's bed rooms.

James turned to look at Logan who to his surprise was awake. "You can't sleep either?" He asked smiling ruefully. James stood up quickly nearly falling as he tangled himself up in the sheets. He stumbled forward a few steps and Logan sat up to steady him. "Hey, don't move to fast." He cautioned James. "You know how that works out when you're tired."

"Are you okay?" James whispered loudly. "Do you need a doctor?"

Logan frowned, puzzled at the barely concealed panic in his friend's voice. "Uh, no." He said raising his eyebrows. "Why, do I look sick or something?"

James blew out a breath and sat back down on his cot. "No." He said, his voice back to a normal whisper. "I just thought you would be asleep that's all."

Logan laughed softly and shook his head. "I have insomnia too, remember?" He laid back down and stared at the dark ceiling. "Especially here. It's always busy and the noises wake me up a lot."

Fully relaxing James nodded. "Yeah, you're right about that." Logan's door was closed but it didn't keep the sounds of the night shift doctors and nurses bustling back and forth. A personal torture for someone who was already a light sleeper. James frowned again as a thought occurred to him. "Wait a second, are you getting enough sleep with all of the noise? I mean, you should be getting rest."

"So should you." Logan pointed out. He shrugged his shoulders. "I'm sleeping enough. The drugs usually knock me out."

Flinching slightly at the mention of drugs, James couldn't resist another question. "Why not tonight?" He asked hesitantly.

For a minute, Logan didn't answer and James hoped that he had fallen asleep. Then he spoke into the darkness. "Long day I guess. I'm too keyed up."

"Logan, you're not still blaming yourself are you?" James knew that talking about what had happened would probably hurt Logan all over again but he felt that the assurance that Logan no longer blamed himself over his father's actions was greater than any pain that the discussion might cause.

Logan mulled the question over in his head thinking hard. "I think I do." He admitted. "I mean, I guess I _know_ it's not my fault deep down. But I'm still blaming myself a little."

"It's not your fault." James sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. He had the familiar feeling that insomnia brought. He was exhausted. He hadn't slept well at all in weeks but his mind was still racing and he couldn't quiet it long enough to drift off to sleep. Even now he had that shaky feeling where he was afraid to stand up because he wasn't sure his tired legs would hold him. All he wanted to do was sleep and that was the last thing that he could do.

Logan echoed his sigh. "Give me some time. I'm sure in a little while I'll be screaming for. . . _his_ blood just like Kendall was today."

James wasn't entirely sure whether Logan had meant to be funny or was just being sarcastic but he nearly choked on his laughter.

"Shhh!" Logan said in mock sternness. "You're going to wake up the bears." He gestured over to the slumbering rocks that were Kendall and Carlos.

"Oh please. Those two could sleep through an earthquake." James rolled his eyes.

Logan grinned at that. "Maybe but when they do wake up, they're not too much fun." Kendall and Carlos were _not_ morning people at all and it usually took them til noon to become "human" as Mrs. Knight said.

"I'm so jealous." James admitted. "I wish I could sleep as much as I want whenever I want." He muffled a yawn.

Logan caught his yawn. "Tell me about it." He agreed. "I bet it's nice."

"Dude, that's another reason you have to get better." James tried to joke but the words were sticking in his throat. He cleared his throat. "I'm tired of being the only insomniac in 2J."

"It's not like we did much anyway." Logan responded quietly. "What _did_ we do?"

"Well, we used to play dome hockey until Kendall's mom threatened to get rid of it." James shuddered. "I'm not sure what was scarier. Losing the dome hockey or Carlos and Kendall after we lost it."

Logan laughed. "I'd say Carlos and Kendall. Especially in the morning." He lay silently for a little while then spoke up again softly. "What did we do then?"

"Sometimes we talked, sometimes you studied and I read a magazine." James laughed at the second one. Insomniac Logan brought a whole new meaning to the word 'studious'. "We played checkers a lot too."

Even in the dark James could see Logan's eyes light up. He couldn't help smiling himself. Earlier today he had almost thought that they would never see Logan smile or look happy ever again. He had looked so. . . James pushed the unpleasant thought away. "And I creamed you all the time."

"No way." Logan protested, shaking his head. "I taught you in the first place. I don't even remember you ever beating me. That and chess."

"Yeah well, you know me and strategy." James said, relenting. "They don't mix well. You on the other hand-"

"I am a master of strategic games." Logan interrupted. "But don't feel too badly, you always beat me in _Candy Land_ and _Chutes and Ladders_."

"Both of which are really dignified games." James said dramatically.

Logan scoffed. "Oh yeah, about as dignified as. . . as. . . as I can't think of anything. As Gustavo in a monkey costume."

James clapped a hand over his mouth to muffle the snort that followed Logan's words. "Oh man, that is _not _a pretty picture." He shook with silent laughter.

"Here we go again." Logan said, amused at James as he tried to refrain for laughing out loud.

"What do you mean?" James asked innocently.

Logan rolled his eyes. "You always get hysterical when you're tired.

"Not always." James disagreed. "Just sometimes."

"Most times." Logan countered.

"Yeah, well a sense of humor is something lots of girls find attractive in a guy." James straightened up importantly.

"I'm not sure how attractive your future wife will find you when you're in hysterics at. . ." Logan glanced over at the bed side clock. "At 1:54 in the morning."

"Oh man, it's that late?" James asked sobering up instantly.

"Or early." Logan shrugged. "Depends on your definition of time I guess."

"Logan, you should sleep." James said anxiously running a hand through his hair. "Man, I didn't realize what time it was. You should get some sleep." He repeated.

Logan shook his head. "I can't sleep. I mean, if you're tired then you can go to sleep. But I can't right now."

"But what about tomorrow?" James asked worriedly.

Logan scowled. "I'm just getting another chemo treatment tomorrow, that's all. I'll probably sleep all day."

"What's it like?" James asked softly.

Logan was silent as he debated just how much to tell his friend. "Well." He said at last. "It's not fun. I get totally knocked out by those drugs. I can't even hold a coherent conversation. I've fallen asleep in mid-sentence before." He watched James' face as he spoke. "But it could be worse." He found himself trying to assure James when the other boy started looking too concerned.

"What do you mean by that?" James asked, his voice shaking slightly in fear.

"_Crap."_ Logan mentally smacked himself. He had been meaning to stay optimistic, not open a can of worms about the unpleasant side effects of chemotherapy. But James wasn't going to let him get away with that slip-up. He sighed. "Well, it makes lots of people really nauseous." He told James reluctantly. His friend's silence told him to go on. "Like to the point where they can't keep any food down."

James closed his eyes. "You haven't been sick like that, have you?"

"Not at all." Logan was quick to assure him. "I've just been really tired." _"So far anyway."_ He thought bitterly. But he didn't say anything out-loud, hoping James would drop the subject. _"Only a couple of insomniacs would go from talking about games to cancer."_ He thought to himself. He just hoped that James wouldn't ask him about any of the other side-effects.

"Will you get sick like that?" James ventured hesitantly.

Logan groaned inwardly. James _would_ think to ask that. "Maybe." He said, still trying to tell him as little as possible. He looked cautiously at his friend. James looked terrible. They all did. But Kendall and Carlos were at least sleeping now. He could tell there was something bugging James. Besides the obvious anyway. "James, are _you_ okay?" He asked trying to switch the focus from him to the other boy.

James looked at him incredulously. "Me?" He asked in disbelief. "_You're_ asking _me_ if _I'm _okay?"

"Why _yes_." Logan said, overemphasizing the second word. "I am."

"I don't believe you." James shook his head. "You have cancer, Logan. And you're asking me if I'm okay?"

"Do we have a parrot in here or something?" Logan asked looking around in mock bewilderment. "Why are you repeating everything I say and even yourself?"

"Because I can't believe you." James shook his head again. "It doesn't make any sense."

"Stop shaking your head." Logan told him. "You're going to give yourself a concussion if your brain keeps getting jolted around like that. And it does make sense." He changed the subject back.

"How's that?" James asked, refraining from shaking his head again.

"Because." Logan said slowly. "I'm getting all the help I could possibly have. You on the other hand. . ." He eyed James critically. "And Kendall and Carlos too, are a mess. You all look worse than I feel."

James brightened at that thought and then grew serious once again. "We're okay." He insisted.

"Right." Logan frowned, looking slightly hurt at James' evasiveness. "I thought we were friends."

"We are!" James said adamantly.

"Best friends." Logan pressed.

"We are." James repeated, but too confused by Logan's line of questioning to insist very much. "You know that."

Logan nodded. "I do, what about the three of you?" At James' carefully guarded blank look, he threw up his hands. "James, you're all being idiots. Talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you." When his plea was met with silence he tried again. "Come on, James. This isn't a one way friendship. You help me, I help you. You used to understand that."

"I still do." James insisted. He looked down at his hands. "It's just. . . not that important, that's all."

"James, if I believed you right now, then our friendship means nothing because I obviously haven't been paying attention to you or Carlos or Kendall for the past twelve years. Either that or none of you trust me."

"We do trust you." James said firmly.

"Then talk to me." Logan said just as firmly. "Tell me what's been bothering you for the past couple of weeks." He softened his voice. "I'll bug Carlos and Kendall tomorrow, I promise. But since we're both up, you may as well talk now."

James sighed. He thought of the letter he had written and wished he could just give it to Logan. But Logan would want to read it right away and turning on the light would wake up the sleeping Kendall and Carlos. Besides, just giving him the letter suddenly seemed so enormously cowardly to James. He picked at a loose thread on his light blanket. "Okay." He finally relented.

"I just. . . I just feel so guilty, Logan."

Immediately Logan's brow furrowed in confusion. "Why?"

"Because when you were getting sick all I could think of was recording the CD and getting on with my career. Not even _our_ career. _Mine_. James snorted in disgust. "I was so selfish. All I could think of was how you were messing everything up for me. I was mad at you for being sick. How stupid is that?"

"I think it's a pretty rational response." Logan said honestly. "You had been waiting your whole life for an opportunity like that and when I was sick, it put everything on hold."

"Logan, it shouldn't have mattered that much. You guys are way more important to me than any stupid CD. Remember when you fell asleep during the hockey game and then went to bed early?" James waited for Logan's nod before he continued. "Well, Carlos said something that totally made sense. He told me that since I've waited all my life, I can definitely wait a couple more weeks. But I couldn't think that way. I was so blind to being famous that I forgot about what matters most. People are more important than anything Hollywood has to offer. Especially friends and family."

"Well, yeah." Logan agreed, still reluctant to agree that James was selfish. "But you know that now."

"Yeah, but I should have always known that. I was such a jerk to you when you were getting sick. I should have-"

"James, listen to me okay?" Logan finally broke up James' tirade. "This has got to be the most unjustifiable guilt trip I've ever heard. There was nothing you could have done. Even if you were. . . nicer when I was getting sick, I was still getting sick. I still would have gotten cancer. That's not your fault."

"Maybe." James mumbled. He laughed halfheartedly at Logan's disapproving glare. "Man, we are so screwed up."

"Finally we agree." Logan said, looking relieved.

"I'm not just talking about me, Carlos, and Kendall." James went on. "I'm talking about you too, Logan. You think that _my_ guilt trip is unjustifiable? What about yours? Did you hear yourself today?" Despite Logan's "warning" he shook his head. "If I'm not allowed to blame myself, then you're not allowed to blame yourself."

"Ouch." Logan said quietly. "Point taken." He drew his legs up to his chest again and rested his forehead on knees.

At that moment James would have liked nothing better than to ram his head into a concrete wall. Maybe it would knock some common sense into him. Or at least tact. He bit his lip, wishing he could take back his insensitive words. He had pushed Logan too hard and now he was afraid that he had sent his friend backwards into his depression. "Logan?" He said quietly. "Logan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Logan surprised him by laughing. "Oh man, you're right. We are so screwed up."

"I'm-" James started to apologize yet again.

"Stop." Logan held up a hand. "Stop apologizing, James. You have nothing to be sorry about." He sighed tiredly. "And neither do I."

James stared at him. "Really?"

Logan laughed again. "I thought that that's what you three have been trying to convince me of. That it's not my fault."

"We are. I mean, were. I mean, you aren't. Wait, what? I'm sorry, I'm-" James stammered in confusion.

"James, if you apologize one more time, I swear I'm going to throw some pillows at Carlos and Kendall and tell them that you did it." This time it was Logan's turn to shake his head.

"Okay." James said, biting back an apology for apologizing too much. "So, you don't blame yourself anymore?"

At his friend's question, Logan grew serious again. "Of course I do." He said softly and then rushed on before James could get a word in. "But do you still blame yourself for me being sick?" He frowned when he said the words, as if they tasted bad coming out of his mouth.

"A little." James admitted.

"Right, and I still blame myself a little. But only a little." Logan rubbed the scar on his hand. He raised his head to face James. "So let's make a deal. You won't let me blame myself and I won't let you blame yourself."

James marveled at his friend's inner strength. If he, Carlos, or Kendall had been in the same boat, he wasn't so sure they would have been able to handle it so well. He nodded and took Logan's hand. "Deal." They shook on it.

"Now." Logan flopped back down. "Try to get some sleep, would you? You need your beauty sleep anyway. You've been looking pretty crappy lately."

James laughed as he too laid down. "Yeah. Tell me about it. I scare myself when I look in the mirror." He propped himself up on one elbow. "Are you going to be able to sleep?"

"Oh yeah." Logan yawned. "I'll tell you, James. If you ever have trouble falling asleep again, just have a serious conversation with someone. My brain is shutting down even as we speak."

"Mine too." James closed his eyes.

"James?" Logan whispered, his voice foggy with sleep.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Not problem, Logan." James swallowed hard. They were silent for a little while before he spoke up again. "Logan?" He whispered, afraid that he would wake Logan up if he had fallen asleep.

"Um?" Logan was definitely half asleep. Still, he hadn't woken him up so James continued.

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

**A/N. Poor James. I've been extra hard on him, haven't I? I'm not sure why. Anyway, never fear. Kendall and Carlos will have their own chance as well. I hope you all liked it. Let me know what you liked, didn't like, and any mistake you found. 3:30 am proofreading never goes well. Oh, and FYI I had my psychic iPod on shuffle and guess what song just ended to finish the chapter? "Lean On Me." by Bill Withers. Yup. Of course at some point it also played "The Bells of Notre Dame" from Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". Do with that information what you will. I'm tired. Hope you all liked chapter 21! Thanks for the awesome reviews! LLAP! Peace!**


	22. Coffee

**A/N. Sleep is a thing of the past. I didn't fall asleep until after 4 the other morning. And I wasn't even writing a chapter. I'm tired. And depressed. I don't own anything. Read on.**

Kendall was the first to wake up the next morning. At first, he looked around in confusion at the small white room. Then he remembered the previous day's events and being in the unfamiliar room made sense. He glanced at each of his friends to see how they were doing. Carlos looked like someone had hit him over the head with a sledgehammer, his sleep was so deep. James was snoring softly, his long arms and legs hanging off the ends of the short cot. Logan's face was half buried under his blanket but to Kendall's relief he appeared to be fast asleep.

The blonde sighed and sat up, stretching tentatively. He winced as his sore muscles protested the movements. He had been so exhausted last night that he had fallen into the cot without a moment's thought. But now that he was awake, he was beginning to feel the effects of sleeping on it all night long. To say it was comfortable would be a lie so Kendall hoped no one asked him.

He took in his friends once more. Carlos was completely dead to the world. Kendall smiled thinking that if a herd of stampeding elephants happened to come by, Carlos wouldn't even stir. Kendall himself was a very sound sleeper, but Carlos could put him to shame. James and Logan, on the other hand, had always had trouble sleeping.

Kendall looked at both of them. He frowned slightly when he inspected them closely. Both James and Logan had deep dark circles under their eyes. Even though Logan was the one who was sick, both of them were slightly pale. Kendall knew that James hadn't been sleeping well but it was the first time he had actually noticed that the lack of proper sleep was taking it's toll on his friend. But despite the fact that both of them looked tired even while they slept, Kendall thought that they were sleeping unusually peacefully. There was no tossing and turning, no soft murmurings that indicated one of them was in the middle of a restless dream.

Smothering a yawn, Kendall stood up and walked over to the bedside table quietly so that he could see what time it was. 8:30 exactly. He stood there for a moment, debating what his next move should be. He certainty wasn't going to wake any of his friends up but he felt a sudden desire for coffee to jolt him out of his stupor. He looked around for any kind of paper or a writing utensil so he could at least leave a note while he was gone. Finding a notepad by the clock and a pen in his jacket pocket he scribbled down a hasty message.

_Went to get coffee. -K_

On his way to the cafeteria, he stopped at the bathroom to splash cold water on his face. He gave himself a brief once-over in the mirror. He looked pretty crappy himself. There were slight dark circles under his eyes but they were far less noticeable than Logan's or even James'. What startled him most was the sadness in his eyes. Even he could see it. He remembered walking down the halls of the cancer ward for the first time. Although he had tried hard to avoid meeting any stranger's eyes he caught a few gazes from some of the visitors there. They all had worn the same weary and sad look in their eyes. Little Logan's mom had the same expression on her own face. Kendall wondered if people would look at him and say, "He looks really sad. He must know someone who has cancer."

Suddenly, he was afraid of going anywhere but back to Logan's room. He was afraid of the looks mixed with pity and sympathy. The worst was the poorly hidden look of relief that whoever was watching him was wearing. He knew they were thinking, _"Poor kid. I'm so glad it's not me."_

"Don't be stupid."He scolded himself. "You're going to become all paranoid." Feeling slightly like James because he was talking to his reflection in the mirror, Kendall shook his head and left the bathroom for the cafeteria.

The cafeteria was surprisingly bare for the morning. Kendall wasn't exactly sure why but he figured that this would be the busiest time for friends and family members of the hospital patients. Still, he didn't know much about hospitals and the ways they operated. Maybe they came earlier. Or later. It didn't really matter. Kendall shrugged and walked over to the counter. "Excuse me?" He ventured, to capture the attention of the girl on the other side.

"Oh, hi!" She turned to look at him. She was rather plain looking with a messy blond pony tail, blue eyes framed behind a black pair of glasses. When she smiled at him, Kendall noticed that she had braces. "Can I help you?"

"Um, can I have some coffee?" Kendall asked politely. He was slightly distracted by the girl's ability to be so cheerful. The combination of being in a hospital and the early hour would make most people miserable.

"Sure." She handed him a hot beverage drink cup and directed him to the coffee machine. Kendall mumbled a thanks and handed her a handful of coins to pay for his drink. He nodded to her, "Have a great day." and walked off.

"Have a great day." He repeated. "Right." He scoured the room for an empty table and quickly claimed a spot by the window overlooking the busy LA streets. He slouched wearily into the poorly padded chair and watched the "coffee girl" serve a few more customers. She greeted everyone with a bright, genuine smile. "How can she be happy working in a place like this?" He said to himself. It was too hard to watch the girl without feeling lousy so Kendall directed his attention to people watching outside.

It was raining. The sky was a depressing gray and women, men, and children ran around with umbrellas or coats over their heads in a feeble attempt to avoid being drenched by the downpour. The weather was fitting as far as Kendall was concerned. He took a sip of his coffee and grimaced. He had never tasted dirty rain water before but it was what came to mind when he tasted his drink. He set it carefully down and pushed it away. Maybe they had left their coffee machine out in the nasty rain outside. Rain. How fitting.

The past two weeks had been a wild emotionally roller coaster that Kendall desperately whispered he could get off of, but yesterday had been especially hard. It had gone from bad to good to nightmarish. Though he had first been extremely reluctant to go to the support group, Kendall had quickly warmed up to the other members. Amy was considerate and caring of everyone's feelings. Grace reminded him of his grandmother on his father's side of the family. She was eighty-two years old but way more active than most people half her age. Susan was a sweet woman who had looked concerned in a motherly way when Kendall's mother had come to get the boys. Greg was extremely difficult to read but he reminded Kendall a little of himself. When the boys had first walked in, Kendall found that he wasn't the only one wearing the "I really don't want to be here" look on his face and he couldn't help wondering who had forced Greg to come because he obviously hadn't come of his own will.

It was a relief to really know that he and his friends weren't the only ones going through such an awful experience. Kendall had always known that but to actually see and talk to people who were going through through the same thing was strangely comforting. He felt a little guilty that he found the others' suffering a form of comfort but Kendall sensed that somehow it was okay.

"Hey, Kendall."

Kendall jumped and nearly spilled his coffee at the sound of James' voice. "James." He said needlessly. He grinned. "Good morning, Sleeping Beauty." He added, pleased to see that James looked more like himself than he had in the last two weeks.

James shook his head. "That honor belongs to Logan and Carlos today. Those two are still out of it."

Kendall laughed. He was relieved to hear that Logan was still asleep and thus, getting much needed rest, and he wasn't at all surprised to hear about Carlos. He gestured to a nearby chair. "Pull up a chair. What kind of goodies do you have?"

Proudly, James held up a paper bag and a cup. "Breakfast. You look like you forgot yours so I grabbed us both bagels."

"Thanks." Kendall said gratefully. He helped himself to a bagel but then, remembering the coffee, he stared at it warily. James took no notice but Kendall caught him as he picked up his cup. "If that's coffee, I strongly advise that you forget about it. It's pretty nasty."

James made a face and pushed the cup away without taking a sip. He shrugged and took a bagel for himself. "Well, here's hoping that their bagels are better than their coffee." He paused. "And that the myth about hospital food remains a myth."

"There's always the vending machine." Kendall said optimistically. He watched James take a bite of the breakfast food.

"Not bad." James said, sounding surprised. He grinned at Kendall's face. "Really. Don't worry, it's not poisoned."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "I wasn't worried about poison, James. Well, not intentional poison anyway. Who knows, they might have left the food out too. It could be weeks old for all we know."

"It's food." James pointed out. "Pretty good food too. Julie was right."

At his friend's words, Kendall stopped chewing his actually not-bad bagel and looked at James. "Who?"

"Julie." James repeated. He gestured to the girl standing behind the counter. "She told me that the bagels were the best bet. See, originally I was just going to have some cereal. They have _Honey Nut Cheerios_ and stuff like that. And how can you go wrong with cereal? But Julie told me that the cereal might be a little stale tasting. It gets like that when it just sits there. And then she told me that the bagels were pretty good. So I-"

"So then you asked her for her name?" Kendall asked skeptically. James was a great friend, one of the best. But he could be more than a little shallow when it came to girls. 'Julie' just didn't seem like his type.

"Yeah, why not?" James asked. Before Kendall could say anything, he continued. "She's sixteen, she'll be seventeen next month, she volunteers here three days a week, she wants to be an elementary teacher, she has contacts but she likes her glasses better, and she gets her braces off in two months."

Kendall laughed shortly in disbelief. "You learned all of that? How long were you talking to her?"

James shrugged. "I guess ten minutes. Why?"

"Well, how did those ten minutes leave any time for you to tell her all about you?"

James flushed red and offered a sheepish grin. "She knows my name."

"And that's all?" Kendall asked, unable to hide his surprise. Usually it was James who did most of the talking. The boys often teased him that the reason he didn't get many dates was because he talked more than most girls. And in a way that was totally unintentionally self-absorbed, James nearly always talked about himself.

"Shut up." James replied, turning redder at Kendall's implication. He returned Kendall's stare with one of his own. "And if you keep making the face, it'll freeze like that one of these days. Then, Logan, Carlos, and I reserve the right to call you Spock for the rest of our lives."

"Very funny." Kendall shot back. But he self-consciously forced his eyebrows down and tried to look normally at James. "So, about Julie. . ." He began curiously.

But if he had any hope of his friend saying anything more on the subject, he was wrong. James shook his head firmly. "Nope. Sorry. We were just talking."

"Right." Kendall said under his breath. But he gave James a break and dropped the subject. "So," he said, slapping the table with a hand. "You look better."

"Better than what?" James asked, puzzled.

"Better than you've looked in days." Kendall answered. He looked in concern at his friend who squirmed uncomfortably under his inspection. "I know Logan's sick, but you were starting to worry us."

"Us?"

"Me and Carlos." Kendall hesitated. "You just haven't been yourself lately that's all."

James couldn't resist snorting. "You're kidding. Am I supposed to be normal?"

Kendall shook his head and wondered how he could put his thoughts into words that wouldn't make James angry. "I mean in the little ways. You've been quiet. Too quiet. It's liked you were purposefully trying to use as little words as possible. You even started shaking your head for "yes" and "no"."

"I get ya." James said, nodding. He absentmindedly stirred his untouched coffee. "You're right." He lapsed into a silence that made Kendall nervous.

"James?" He waited until his friend looked up from playing in his coffee. "Are you okay? I mean, I know you're worried about Logan. We all are. But-"

"I'm okay." James said honestly. "Better than I have been anyway. The group yesterday helped." He looked at Kendall. "And. . . Logan and I had a good talk last night."

Kendall started. "What?"

James gave him a crooked smile. "Neither of us could sleep very well last night." At Kendall's concerned gaze, he held up his hand. "I swear, I wasn't keeping Logan up." He said, dead seriously. "You know how he had trouble sleeping too."

"No." Kendall said quickly. "Of course I believe you. I'm glad he's sleeping now though." He sloshed his own coffee cup around, thinking. "Um, what did you guys talk about?" He asked uncertainly.

"Lots of things." James turned completely serious. "We talk about what we used to do in 2J when we couldn't sleep, we talked about. . ." He swallowed. "Um, his treatment. He didn't tell me much though." Drumming his fingers nervously on the table, James looked down to avoid Kendall's gaze. "We talked about. . ." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"It's okay, James." Kendall said quickly. "You don't have to tell me." He meant what he said but he was secretly dying to know what else James and Logan had talked about at such an absurd hour.

"No." James shook his head. "It's fine. I'm just not sure how to tell you." He chewed on his lip, another nervous habit that he had picked up lately. He would have to stop that. At least he wasn't biting his nails.

"James?"

He jumped and refocused on Kendall. "Sorry."

"Are you really okay?" Kendall asked doubtfully, his face full of concern.

"Mostly. Really." James laughed softly. "Logan asked me the same thing last night."

"What did you say?"

James dropped his gaze again. "That I felt guilty." He finally told Kendall. When he looked back up, Kendall's face had gone from concerned to puzzled in a split second.

"Why?" James flinched at the slightly injured tone in the one-word question. He knew it hurt Kendall when one of them didn't tell him if something was bothering. Kendall always wanted to try and fix everyone's problems.

"I told Logan it was because of the way I treated him when he was first getting sick. I was a jerk, remember? And I think I pushed him too hard when we thought he was getting better. I was just obsessed with getting back on our regular schedule."

"Yeah but, James." Kendall broke in. "It's not your fault or anything." He looked closely at James. "You know that right?"

James nodded quickly. "Yeah." He assured his friend. "I just wish I could have handled it differently. You know?"

"Yeah." Kendall said quietly. "I can understand that. I'm glad you talked with Logan though. Even if you had to do it Insomniac style." Then, sensing that James was uncomfortable talking about himself like they were, he changed the subject slightly. "How was he? I mean, speaking of feeling guilty for something out of your control. . . Him and his. . ." He choked on the word. "Him and Mr. Mitchell."

James scowled at the name. He softened though to answer Kendall. "He was doing a lot better. Of course, that's not really saying much."

Kendall winced. He dropped his head into his hands. "He was so. . ." There were no words in the English language that fit the scene that had met them when they reached Logan's room. None of them would ever forget seeing the normally together Logan so so far from together.

"Broken. Shattered." James whispered the words.

"I swear, if I ever see that sorry excuse of a father." Kendall was angry again. "Wasn't it enough that when his mom died, his "father" had to practically disown him? Wasn't it enough for him to ignore his son for over ten years? Wasn't it enough for Logan to get so freaking sick? I guess not. I guess his "dad" had to come back and pretend nothing had ever happened between them."

"Logan was really happy to have him there." James said softly.

"Yeah. Because if Logan is stupid in any way, it's the way that he trusts people. He's too trusting. I don't know another person on Earth who would have accepted that man back without a single question. And then. . ." Kendall's voice broke. "And then he had to leave him again. He left his son when he has cancer. How the heck does he live with himself?"

James shook his head. "I don't know." He said helplessly. "He made it seem so easy. He wrote a note and left."

"Coward." Kendall spat out. "He just ran away from his problems. And he broke Logan when he did."

"That was scary." James whispered, abrupt shifting the focus from Mr. Mitchell to his son. He took a shaky breath. "Logan was always the strong one. Nothing scared him. But yesterday he was so lifeless." He swallowed hard. "For a minute I thought we had lost him."

Kendall nodded slowly. "I know. It's like Mr. Mitchell was the real cancer."

"Except." James said, suddenly determined. "We can fix this. Let's face it, there's nothing we can do about his cancer." He waited for Kendall to agree but the other boy was silent. Clearing his throat to fill the awkward silence, James continued. "But we can at least try to fix this other mess. We're already halfway there. We need to make sure that Logan doesn't blame himself. Like I said, when we talked last night he was accepting that a little better. But that doesn't make him okay. He's still more messed up than Humpty Dumpty."

"But all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again." Kendall pointed out, feeling silly as he quoted from the age old nursery rhyme. "You said Logan is worse than-"

"Humpty Dumpty." James finished. "I know. But he had us. We're better than all the king's horses and all the king's men. We're his best friends."

**A/N. I realize that the ending was about as corny as Leonard Nimoy's "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" but I still liked it. And I also know that this chapter was as emotionally stable as. . . me on a daily basis but I still liked it. Never fear though! The angst will return in full force! Carlos and Kendall still need to talk with Logan, I have work in all the parents somewhere, and then the girls. . . Whew. Don't worry. Stock up on the tissues. Oh, and please review because the lack of reviews in chapter 21 made my confidence plummet. I'm doubting this chapter even as I type this. Maybe I just need sleep. It's 3:30 in the morning now. So, let me know what you liked, what you didn't like, and even though I won't bother correcting them, please point out any mistake you find. Just because. Okay, I'm rambling now. I'll leave. LLAP. **


	23. Fears

**A/N. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed 'Gone Fishing'. You're all the best! And now for chapter 23. Tissue warning, okay? It's partly because greenandred124 has been begging for angst but mostly because chapter 22 was a little light. LOL. Hope you like it. I don't own anything.**

"Carlos? Carlos, wake up."

Carlos groaned and pulled the pillow over his head and tried to ignore the voice that was interrupting his dream about a huge swirly slide. A hand grasped his shoulder and gave him a gentle but firm shake. "Go away." He muttered, swatting at the offending hand. "I'm sleeping."

"Carlos."

This time Carlos detected a strange note in the voice. It sounded harsh and ragged with tears. He opened his eyes too see Kendall looking at him. "Kendall?" He asked in confusion. Blinking, he rubbed his eyes and tried to focus more. Kendall wasn't alone. "James." A shiver of fear ran down Carlos' spine as he watched his friends. They sat on the cot across from where Carlos lay. Their eyes were red and swollen from crying, their faces were pale. They had all had their share of tears lately but this was different. Carlos sat up so fast that his head spun. "What is it? What's wrong?" He didn't even try to hide the panic that covered his words. His heart pounded furiously as he waited for their response.

It did nothing to soothe his fears when James started crying again. The older boy clapped a hand over his mouth to muffle the sobs and regain control but it wasn't working. He bent over, his shoulders shaking with sobs. Kendall wrapped an arm around James' shoulders and swiped furiously at his own eyes. Then he looked at Carlos with the saddest expression imaginable. "Carlos." He whispered, his voice breaking. "Logan. . . Logan's dead."

The words were like a blow to his stomach. The breath left Carlos and all he could do at first was simply stare in disbelief at his two friends. They were only two feet away from him but suddenly it was an immeasurable distance. He shook his head. "What?"

"Logan." Kendall repeated. "He died last night."

Carlos shook his head again. He watched Kendall's mouth moving as he continued to talk in short, broken words, but Carlos couldn't make out what his friend was saying over the roaring in his ears. "No." He finally managed to gasp out. "Stop it, Kendall. It's not funny." Tears blurred his vision and he didn't see Kendall and James move until they were sitting down next to him. Kendall moved to put a hand on his shoulder but Carlos shoved him away. "He's not dead." He snapped. "He's right-" Brushing off their hands, Carlos stood shakily. He spun around to look where he had seen Logan sleeping just last night. His mouth dropped opened.

The bed was empty. Dimly, he heard James saying something to him and Kendall tugged him back down to the cot. He tried to jerk away again but it was like his whole body had turned limp and he only managed a pathetic tug. "What is this, some sick joke?" He stammered. "Guys, come on. It's not funny. Where is Logan?"

"Carlos-" James said pleadingly.

"No!" Carlos shouted, surprising himself. "I don't believe it. He was fine last night. I mean, he was sick and everything but not too sick! He's not dead!"

"Carlos, the doctors said that he just stopped breathing." Kendall looked at Carlos with red rimmed eyes, more tears spilling down his face. The deep grief in his face told Carlos that he was serious. There was no way that Kendall and James would joke about something like this. He knew that. Kendall tugged Carlos once more and he fell into the older boy's arms.

"No." Carlos whispered, tears suddenly pouring from his eyes. Sobs shook his small frame as James and Kendall tried to comfort him through their own pain. "No, he can't be dead." He stared at the empty bed through his tears as if Logan would magically appear there. But his friend was gone forever.

* * *

Suddenly someone was shaking him again, and this time it wasn't very gentle. "Carlos!" A voice with poorly concealed panic accompanied the shaking. "Carlos, please!" The voice said pleadingly, completely desperate for Carlos to respond. But Carlos wasn't so sure he was really hearing the familiar voice, or if he was, how it was possible. When his name was called again, this time with a hint of tears in the voice, Carlos reluctantly opened his eyes, preparing himself for the letdown that was sure to follow the realization that the voice was just in his imagination.

The person in front of him was very much alive. Carlos shut his eyes, shook his head, and opened his eyes again. No, the face was still there, peering back at him full of typical worry and concern. "Logan." He said in wonder.

Logan's shoulders slumped and he heaved a shaky sigh of relief. "Carlos, thank goodness. He let go of Carlos' arm with one hand and ran it anxiously through his dark hair. The other hand kept a death grip on Carlos' wrist. "You were having a nightmare." He told his friend.

"A nightmare." Carlos repeated. So that's all it was. Just a nightmare. But it wasn't just a nightmare this time. Logan had died.

Logan frowned at the tears that crowded in Carlos' eyes. "Carlos? It's okay now. You're awake." Hesitantly, he pulled the younger boy into a hug. It alarmed him when Carlos simply slid bonelessly into his embrace. "Carlos, are you okay?" The question was stupid of course. Carlos was far from okay. His wild sobs had woken Logan out of a sound sleep. At first he tried shaking him gently and then when his friend continued to cry in his sleep, Logan finally had started shaking his roughly, calling him frantically. He didn't understand the expression in Carlos' eyes when he finally woke up. Confusion and hope at the same time. He hugged his friend tighter and wished desperately that Kendall and James were there because he wasn't entirely sure that he could calm Carlos down by himself.

"You're alive." Carlos finally choked out.

"What?" Logan had been expecting him to say almost anything but _that_. He watched Carlos as his friend pulled away and sat up. "Of course I'm alive. I'm right here."

"I know." Carlos nodded and blushed a little in embarrassment at his frail emotional state. Here he was, seventeen years old, and he was crying over a nightmare. "That was my nightmare. You. . . Kendall woke me up and he and James were crying and. . . and they told me that you. . . died."

Logan closed his eyes at Carlos' words. He couldn't imagine having a nightmare like that. The frequent ones in which he relieved the day of his mother's death were bad enough. But to have a dream about Kendall or Carlos or James _dying_. . . "Carlos, I'm sorry." He put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "But I'm right here. It was just a dream." He tried to remember what his mom used to do for him when he was small and woke up from a nightmare. It had been so long.

Fortunately, Carlos was calming down without Logan having to do anything. Logan made a face as his friend wiped a sleeve across his face but watched him in concern. He hated to see Carlos so vulnerable. As if he was reading Logan's thoughts, Carlos straightened up and gave Logan what had to be the most pathetic smile on the planet. "Sorry." He mumbled.

"It's okay, Carlos." Logan assured him, still worried. It wasn't like Carlos to be so subdued. "No big deal." Actually trying to wake Carlos from his nightmare had been a very big deal. It had scared Logan more than he would ever care to admit, especially since it had taken so long. "Are you okay?" He finally repeated, unsure of what else to say.

Carlos merely shrugged. "Yeah sure."

"Liar."

At that, Carlos looked at him, this time he was the one who looked concerned. "Logan, you shouldn't be out of bed, should you?"

Logan had been blessed with terrific self-control but it took all he had to refrain from rolling his eyes. "I don't think that it's fatal right now and you're changing the subject." But when Carlos frowned, he sighed and moved the short distance from the cot back to his bed. "There. Better?" He couldn't help but smile when Carlos nodded in satisfaction. "Good. Now tell me what's up."

"Huh?" Carlos gave him a blank stare.

Logan sighed in frustration. "Honestly, I think I have the three most stubborn friends in the world." When Carlos continued to look at him as if he had no idea what he was talking about, Logan told him. "Everyone's so worried about me. But you guys have been so. . ." He searched for the right words. "Different." He nodded. "Yeah. That's it. Just different. Kendall looks like he wants to punch a hole through the wall, you don't smile or joke anymore. And where's your lucky helmet.?" He watched as Carlos unconsciously touched his non-hockey helmet hair.

"What about James?" Carlos asked, squirming uncomfortably under Logan's scrutiny.

Logan laughed. "James is better off than you or Kendall." At Carlos' questioning look, he explained. "We had an Insomniac talk last night."

"Oh." Carlos pondered that for a moment. "Is he okay? Kendall and I have been worried-"

"Like I've been worried about all three of you." Logan shook his head. "You three are so worried about me and each other that you're completely oblivious to yourselves. You do realize that you're human, don't you?"

"Me?" Carlos asked, pointing to himself. "I'm Mr. Incredible, didn't you know that?" He laughed nervously. Logan merely glared at him. "Okay, maybe not." Desperate to change the subject, he looked around the room. "Hey, where are James and Kendall anyway?" Logan silently handed him a note.

_Went to get coffee. -K_

_Me too! -J_

"Oh."

"So." Logan crossed his arms and stared pointedly at Carlos. Logan would make a great police officer. All he had to do was stare and the criminals would be falling all over themselves in their rush to confess. James, Kendall, and Carlos had decided whenever they were the subjects of 'The Stare', they felt liked they also needed to confess petty things like stealing chocolate chip cookies from the cookie jar.

Carlos shrugged helplessly and played with the note that he still held. "What do you want me to say? I'm scared, Logan. Scared, angry, and confused. I'm scared because you're so sick, I'm angry because. . . because your dad hurt you all over again." He ducked his head to avoid seeing Logan's expression when he mentioned his father. "And I'm confused because none of this makes sense. Why you?"

"You're seventeen. This is something that happens to old people and it's still awful. You have so much you still need to do. And we need you, Logan." Carlos swallowed. "I don't know if James is any different after you talked but he's been so quiet lately. It's like he didn't care about anything anymore. And Kendall. . ." Carlos shredded the note and watched the pieces fall to the floor. "Kendall's so. . . well, like you said. He's angry all the time. I'm afraid to talk to him because I don't want him to get mad at me. Because I'm changing too. I argue more. I yelled at the woman behind the lobby desk yesterday. And I kinda yelled at Doctor Walsh too." He studied the small pile of paper pieces, trying to find a shape somewhere. "Kendall and I fought too yesterday. And I guess what was bothering me most about this whole arguing thing is what it was doing to James. We didn't pay any attention to him because we were so mad at each other."

"Everything is so different now, Logan. You're never around, we don't goof around anymore, nothing. When we're home we just sit around and. . . pout. Nothing's funny anymore. That's why I don't joke anymore. Besides, I'd feel dumb if I laughed. It doesn't feel right. We don't feel right anymore. You know how Mr. Travers in third grade always wondered how the four of us could get along so well when we're all so different?" He waited for Logan's nod. "Well, now we act just like that. Like we should, I guess."

Carlos blew out a breath. "We're not us anymore, Logan. It's like we need all four of us to make all of us work. And I know that there have been times when we're not all together, but not like this. This is completely different." He shrugged, running out of words to say. There were more words but he was afraid to say them. When Logan didn't say anything he spoke them quickly. "I don't want you to die, Logan. Because I know that I wouldn't just lose you, but Kendall and James too. And I couldn't handle that."

Logan had sat in silence during Carlos' whole tirade. He waited with patience until his friend finally stopped. "Carlos, everything will be okay eventually. I'm not sure what's gonna happen but you'll be fine. So will Kendall and James."

"And you." Carlos added, not liking the direction the conversation was taking. "You'll be fine too, right Logan?"

Logan sighed. He had always been the mature one, the one who could handle anything and help everyone else through rough times. But there were times when he just wanted to run away from his problems. But he wasn't his father, and he was determined to never use him as an example. For some reason, talking to James had been way easier. But Carlos was the youngest of the four boys. Logan felt protective over him, which was ridiculous because even though he was "the baby", he was seventeen. As much as Logan wanted to shield Carlos from the harsh reality, there was no turning back now. "Carlos. . . I don't know."

"Of course you'll be okay, Logan." Carlos protested at the undesired answer. "You have to be."

"No, I don't." Logan's reply was swift. It scared Carlos that his friend had so quickly disagreed with him. Logan opened his mouth to continue but Carlos cut him off.

"How can you say that? You don't know that for sure, do you?"

"No." Logan assured him. But he sounded unconvinced, even to himself. "I don't know anything really. But Carlos, listen. Even if I-"

"Don't say it." Carlos interrupted, actually putting his hands over his ears.

"Okay. I won't." Logan said quietly. "But you'll still be okay. Eventually anyway. It might be hard at first but you'll have each other."

Carlos shook his head fiercely. "No. No, Logan. You're not going to die. Not yet. You're too young."

"Carlos, listen to me."

"No, you listen to me. You're smart, Logan. No, you're brilliant. But you're wrong right now. So wrong. You're not going to die. Not like this. The stupid cancer is going to go away and you're going to get completely better. We'll go back to normal." Carlos rushed on ignoring Logan's attempts to speak. "We'll put out a CD and go on tour and then maybe you'll go back to school and become a doctor and discover a cure for cancer." He laughed a little. "Maybe you'll even marry Camille."

At the mention of Camille's name, Logan blushed. "That's not looking ahead or anything." He muttered. He turned serious then. "But Carlos, you can't expect for all of this can happen. I mean, you can _hope_ it happens. I do." He blushed bright red when he realized what his words might have implied. "I mean, you know. Maybe not Camille. I just meant me getting better."

"Why are you so pessimistic about this?" Carlos demanded. "Is there something you're not telling us, Logan?" He stared at his friend, trying desperately to read his expression.

"Not really." Logan said, his face carefully blank. "It's hard to explain. I guess it's because I've done so much research on cancer, you know? I know what's coming and what to expect and. . ." He shrugged. "I don't want to be pessimistic, Carlos. But I just wish that I didn't know so much."

Carlos groaned and flopped down on his cot, wincing as he hit the uncomfortable bedding. "Why can't things just go back to normal?" He asked. "I like normal. And it wouldn't be normal without you, Logan. It would. . . suck."

"There's always a new kind of normal." Logan suggested calmly. At least, he was calm on the outside. But inside, he was terrified. He didn't want to die either. He wanted to go back to normal too.

"Come on, Logan." Carlos sat up and swung his legs to the floor. He crossed the short distance between them and sat next to Logan on the bed. "Kendall, James, and I are going to do whatever it takes to get you better. It's not like we can actually do anything but we'll be here for you. But you have to fight it too, Logan. Forget about what you've read. Your knowledge isn't going to help you this time. But that's okay 'cause you have us and you're strong. You can do it. I know you can, so does everyone else."

Logan stared at his friend. He had never seen Carlos so fired up before. His determination was catching and he smiled a little bit. "You're right." And it was true. What Carlos was saying did actually make sense. He could read all he wanted to about cancer but what it really came down to was himself. And he had the best friends in the world to help him.

Carlos watched him carefully to make sure that he was serious. When he was sure, he allowed himself a smile too. "Good." He said firmly.

"Are you okay now?" Logan asked carefully.

Carlos shrugged. "Better. Thanks for making me talk. It really helped."

"It's important to get things off your mind." Logan told him. "You shouldn't keep everything locked up inside." He felt like a hypocrite saying that and from Carlos' expression, Logan could tell that his friend was thinking the same thing. But to his relief, Carlos let it go, knowing that there would be another time.

**A/N. I warned you. Did you need tissues? I sure did. I hope it wasn't over the top. Review and you get to hug the BTR boys! Hey, it's only 2 in the morning! YAY! Actually, scratch that. I have a new cheer that I thought up tonight. YAWP! If you can tell me where that's from (there's two choices) then you can give Logan an extra hug! LLAP! YAWP! Oh, and an extra YAWP for me finally being able to figure out how to get a scene change line on my chapters. YAWP!**


	24. Burdens

**A/N. OH MY GOSH, YOU GUYS! 22 reviews for the last chapter! You're the best! Thank you all so much. I had the worst day at work yesterday and coming home to all of the awesome reviews and waking up to more today made my day! WOW!**

It had been a week since Logan had forced, provoked, and begged Carlos and James to tell him how they really felt. To his relief, they now seemed much more at ease and almost happier. James went back to carrying his lucky comb everywhere he went, and Carlos and Kendall sometimes teased him about some volunteer girl at the hospital named Julie. Carlos started wearing his helmet again and telling dumb jokes. They were acting more like themselves.

But Kendall was still obviously struggling. It almost seemed to Logan that, even when he _was_ there, it was more like only part of him was there. He had never talked as much as James and Carlos, but he was still uncharacteristically quiet. And even when he did talk he was distracted by something. Still, no matter how much Logan tried, Kendall refused to talk to him. He shrugged off his three friends' questions and concerns and then abruptly changed the subject. He wasn't even subtle about it. In fact he stopped just short of outright telling them that he didn't _want _or _need_ to talk. When they pushed, he only got irritated with them. So after a few days of Kendall's expert avoidance skills, they stopped pushing and let Kendall come to Logan himself.

Actually, one could argue that he had been tricked into being at the hospital alone with Logan. But Carlos and James both swore that they had told him that both of their parents had finally managed to get a flight into LA. And since he _had_ been so distracted lately, Kendall really had no choice but to accept his friends' excuses. He wished that his dad was able to come visit sooner than the coming weekend.

"When did their families get in?" Logan asked him, trying to start up a conversation. Mrs. Knight had dropped Kendall of twenty minutes ago and neither of them had said much.

"Um, late last night." Kendall could barely bring himself to look at Logan as he answered. He was really hoping that it was just his overly active imagination but he thought that Logan had been looking both paler and thinner over the past few days alone. He didn't dare voice his thought aloud to Carlos and James and certainty not Logan himself. He much preferred to thinking that it was just his imagination.

"Is you dad coming?"

"Yeah. But not til the weekend. I think he said Saturday morning."

Logan nodded. "Cool. That must be exciting. You and Katie haven't seen your dad for a few months now, right?"

Kendall shot a puzzled glance at his friend. "Right." He said slowly, trying to understand Logan's sudden interest in his father. "Christmas actually. Remember? Katie and I spent Christmas with him last year." He smiled. "My mom told me how you guys came over on Christmas Eve. She said she heard caroling and-"

"Don't remind me." Logan rolled his eyes. "That was Carlos' idea and you know how James would never pass up an opportunity to sing. I just wanted to visit."

"I'm not surprised to was your idea in the first place. But you should know that my mom thoroughly enjoyed your singing. Her favorite was _The Twelve Days of Christmas._"

Logan groaned and shook his head, laughing a little. "We never even finished it because Carlos and James forgot the lyrics halfway through."

"I think she appreciated the effort though. My dad told her that she should tell that story in an interview one day. Like, "what are the boy of Big Time Rush really like?" or something like that." Kendall snickered when Logan's face turned red at the thought of what he considered to be public humiliation. "She said she's save it for when she needed to blackmail one of you guys."

"Great." Logan said sarcastically. "Guess I'll have to watch everything I say and do for a while now, huh?"

"Better believe it, buddy." Kendall smirked at the expression om Logan's face.

"What did your dad say to that?" Logan asked suddenly.

Kendall's smile vanished and he frowned in confusion. Logan was practically insisting that they talk about his father for some reason. "Well," He began, stumbling for words. "He joked about how wrong it was to blackmail three teenagers. My mom-"

"Your dad is really cool." Logan interrupted. "I mean, I know we don't him him _that_ well, but every time he came to visit you and Katie, he always played a bunch of hockey games with us. Remember when you two beat me, Carlos, and James? That was a crazy game."

"Yeah, it was." Kendall said softly. "Logan, can I ask you a question?"

"Well, technically you just did but sure. Ask me another one."

"Why-" Kendall chewed his lower lip wondering how to phrase such a delicate question. He cleared his throat. "Why all the questions about my dad? I mean, I don't mind, it's just that. . . you've never really wondered before."

Logan shrugged. "I guess it's because of what happened last week with my dad. I think your dad had spent more time with me than my own father actually did."

Kendall scowled. "It's not hard to be better than that sorry excuse for a human life form, Logan. You . . . that man you call a father is a jerk." When he realized what he had said, he snapped his mouth shut

"It's okay, Kendall." Logan was quick to assure him. "I guess I can see why you feel like that."

"You guess?" Kendall repeated. "What's that supposed to mean? Don't you agree with me?"

Logan shrugged. "I don't know. I'd hate to think that about my own father. It must be hard for him. First he lost his wife and then I'm sick. . . he just didn't handle it very well."

"Logan." Kendall was fuming. "I don't understand you. How can you sit here and tell me that you don't hate your father for what he did to you? How could you have blamed yourself last week? He didn't handle it at all. He ran away from his problems instead of dealing with them. He's nothing but a coward."

Logan considered Kendall's questions carefully. "I don't _hate_ my father." He began. "I hate what he did to me. You know that saying, "Love the sinner, hate the sin"? It's kinda like that."

"Meaning you still love your father after all he's done to you."

"Only because he's my father." Logan answered softly. "But that doesn't mean I want to see him again, Kendall. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if he showed up right now. I sure don't want him to. It hurts just to think about him."

"If it were me, I'd have given up on him a long time ago." Kendall shook his head. "But you never did. That's what's been bothering me, Logan. You and your stupid dad. All of these years, we just sat back and watched you do everything you could think of to get your father's attention. You played hockey, you got straight A's, and now you're in a band. And when none of those things work, you even tried to get into trouble just so he would talk to you. You think we didn't notice but we did." Kendall's voice shook. "We saw everything. But you were good at pretending you didn't care when he missed all of our games and your school events. You were great at pretending that you were happy when he didn't punish you for anything. You were even great at pretending that you were glad to come to LA without him. But after this. . . I see how much he really hurt you. And I feel like such an idiot for not helping you with it. I just thought that you were strong enough and could handle it on your own."

"I'm so mad at your dad right now, Logan. When I first read that letter he wrote to you, I felt like I could have killed if the next times I saw him. I know I wouldn't have but I probably would have tried to beat him up. When he first showed up I wanted to believe that he was back for good this time. I really did. But I couldn't. Every time I looked at him all I could see was how scared and weak he was. This is going to sound so cliché but he looked like a dear in headlights. Like all he wanted to do was run but he couldn't." Kendall sighed tiredly. "And then he did and he broke you all over again. When we first moved here, we all could see that you were. . . happier. You were more relaxed. And it's because of him. He wasn't there for you to please. And now look at you. You try to pretend that you're okay with everything now but we know you better than that. You're hurting. You wouldn't be human if this didn't hurt you. It's not something that takes you a week to get over."

"But you're still worried about us. You could care less about how much pain you're in. James told me about the talk he had with you and Carlos told us about his nightmare." Kendall shuddered at the memory. Both he and James had noticed that when they had come back to Logan's room, Carlos had obviously been crying a lot. But no one had said anything until they got back to Palm Woods and Carlos had told them in a haunted voice everything that had happened. "You're helping us but you won't let us help you." He took a shuddering breath. "And now I feel like an idiot by blubbering on and on about how I feel. It doesn't matter."

Logan said sat quietly the entire time Kendall was talking. He watched in relief as his friend finally poured out his anger, fear, and frustration. When he had fallen silent after condemning himself for being so weak, Logan cleared his throat. "Kendall, if you're an idiot then it's because you think that your feelings don't matter. I know you probably think that's because you're the leader and you feel like you have to be strong but nobody is perfect. You can't help everyone with everything."

"No, but I can still try." Kendall said stubbornly. "Look." He pulled s small stack of papers out of his backpack. "I printed these off the computer last night the the hotel. They're a bunch of alternate treatments for AML. And here's some testimonies from survivors. See? People get better all the time."

Logan took the papers and scanned them over for his friend's sake. Then he smiled and shook his head in disbelief. "Kendall, sometimes I think you have co-dependency issues."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kendall asked.

"Basically it means you have a tendency to be. . ." Logan struggled to phrase the words kindly. "Be overly helpful. To the point where you become exhausted emotionally and physically because you're so focused on helping others that you forget about yourself. Or you just don't care about yourself. It's like you have a burning need to fix everyone's problems."

"Oh." Kendall faltered. "Well," He said, trying to joke. "There are worse things."

Logan couldn't help laughing a little. "Yeah, I guess you're right." He admitted. Then he grew serious again. "But Kendall, you can't fix everything. You know that right? You can't make my dad want to be here and you definitely can't make my cancer go away just like that. Some things are out of your control."

"I know." Kendall looked down. "I just hate feeling so. . . helpless. And useless. I'm used to being to able to fix problems. But I've never realized until now how insignificant those other problems were. I mean, eventually they would have just fixed themselves. But it feels so great to be able to do something. And now," Kendall lifted his palms. "I can't."

"And you shouldn't feel like you have to." Logan said firmly. "You're worrying all of us. If you want to help then stop trying to help." He added gently. "Just be yourself. Not the "I have to help everyone and solve all of their problems" self but the Kendall where you could just hang out with the rest of us and relax. We all miss that Kendall."

Kendall's eyes were burning with tears. "I know. It's just so hard."

"Yeah, but you're smart. You'll do it. You just have to let us help you do it, okay?" Logan asked hopefully. After days of pushing, pleading, and then waiting, Kendall was finally admitting that he needed them just as much as they needed him."

"Yeah. Thanks, Logan." Kendall smiled at him. "That really helped."

"Good." Logan said, smiling back at him in relief.

"Um, there's just one thing that's still bothering me." Kendall hated to ruin a perfectly good conversation but he couldn't shake the thought loose. "I'm sorry if it's a little co-dependent but-"

"Kendall, just so you know, I don't really think you have actual co-dependency issues." Logan said quickly. "I think you just care a little too much. Your mom said that your dad is the same way."

Kendall laughed. "Well, that's nice to know. But seriously, Logan. There is one thing that bothers me. Do you mind?" He asked hesitantly.

Logan shook his head. "Of course not, Kendall. What is it?"

Kendall took a deep breath. "You." He admitted in a rush.

Logan's eyebrows rose in confusion. "Me? But how am I-"

"Just let me finish, okay? You've been telling all three of us that it's important we let each other help us. But that's so hypocritical of you, Logan. You're hurting just as much as the rest of us. Even more. But you won't let anyone in."

"I guess you're right." Logan sighed. "Like always."

"I'm not right all the time." Kendall disagreed.

"Okay, then usually." Logan said compromised. He sighed again. "All right then. I miss my mother. I need her now more than ever. I remember everything about the day of the accident even though I always say that I was too young. Sometimes I have nightmares about it."

"Logan, I didn't know." Kendall said sadly. "You never talk about it."

"Which is why it makes perfect sense that you wouldn't have a clue." Logan forced a smile. "I used to be so good at pretending everything was okay. Anyway, it's more than just that. I'm angry at my dad. Really angry. And confused. Like, why did he come back just to leave again? But more than that, I'm hurt. I wish he just stayed in Minnesota and sent me a get well card or something. It would have been easier. And the biggest thing?" He looked right at Kendall.

"I'm scared. Not afraid of dying, I can handle that. I'm ashamed of what scares me." Logan dropped his gaze and stared the Kendall's research papers in his hands.

"You can tell me." Kendall said carefully, not wanting to push his friend.

"I don't want to hurt you." Logan replied.

"Hurt me?" Kendall asked, caught off guard.

"You, Carlos, James, everyone who's been there for me through all these years. I don't even know why I'm scared. It's stupid."

"What is it?" Kendall pleaded. "Logan, I swear you can tell me. You need to."

Logan swallowed. "I'm afraid. . . . of everyone leaving just like my dad." He suddenly admitted in a rush.

Kendall was momentarily stunned into silence. "Logan." He finally whispered.

"I'm sorry, I knew it would hurt you." Logan said miserably. "It's stupid isn't it? None of you have ever given me any reason to think that. You've always been there for me. You're like the family I always wanted. But since last week, all I've been able to think of is what would happen if everyone else left. I couldn't handle it."

"Logan." Kendall repeated softly. His throat ached and tears came to his eyes once again.

He stood up and walked over to his friend's bed. "Listen to me, okay? First of all I don't think it's awful that you're afraid of that. It makes sense to me actually. I can't believe that I never thought of it before. He may not have been a real father but he was still your father. That's gotta hurt and make you think all sorts of thoughts."

"But all of you have been more of a family than my father ever was." Logan protested.

"But he was your father." Kendall repeated. _"Still is too, but you'd never know that."_ He thought bitterly. "That counts for something. Anyway, second of all I can promise you right now that we will never leave you. None of us. Just trust me on this okay? You'll never be alone. James, Carlos, and I. . . we're your best friends. We care about you more than anything else. And our families too." He smiled a little. "You shoulda heard the conversation Carlos had with his dad last week. Mr. Garcia was going on and on about how he as going to hunt your dad down and have him arrested for abuse and neglect. I know you don't want anyone hating your dad, Logan but that just shows how much our parents all care about you. You're their son too."

"I don't know if I deserve them." Logan admitted. "I don't know if I'm good enough."

"Logan, besides your dad what makes you think you're not good enough?" Kendall watched his friend shrug. "We told you, your dad is the one who doesn't deserve you. He's the messed up one."

"But who would want something who's so. . . damaged?" Logan tearfully. "Nobody wants a broken toy or a broken necklace, or a broken tool. They're no good. So what makes me different?"

"Logan, those are all things. You're a human being. That's what makes you different. Ask anyone. They'll tell you that you mean more to them than anything else they have."

"Except for their real kids."

"No, Logan." Kendall said relentlessly. "I told you. You're a part of all of our families. How can I make you believe me? Do I have to tell you that Katie cries herself to sleep every night or that my moms goes to court every morning and pesters them about letting her adopt you without your father's consent. She could care less that you turn eighteen in six months and that you'll be a legal adult. She doesn't want you to not have a family for those six months."

"Really?" Logan asked, his eyes finally showing a small glint of hope amidst the sadness there.

Kendall seized onto that hope. "Yes. Of course, Logan." He chuckled a little. "And James and Carlos are trying to convince their parents that they should try to do a three way adoption."

"That's not even possible." Logan laughed too but his eyes were filling with tears. "Wow."

"Yeah." Kendall agreed. "See, Logan? Nobody is going to leave you again. We're here for you. Until the end."

**A/N. All I can say is that after all those reviews for the last chapter, I hope you liked this one too. I really hope I didn't let you down. Before I go, guess what? It's been exactly a month since I wrote the first chapter of this story! Wow! YAWP! All right people, review and I'll update. Also, you'll get to hug the boys again because they really need it. Peace!**


	25. Sharing

**A/N. Here it is! The next chapter of 'Little Hollow'! Thank you so much for all of your patience while I slept and wrote one-shots. lol. You guys are the best. So without further ado, I present chapter 25. I still don't own anything.**

Katie Knight didn't understand why all of this was happening. She was ten years old. She wasn't supposed to be wondering why one of her older brother's best friends was so sick with a life-threatening disease. She was supposed to be playing pranks on her brother and his friends or maybe even helping them out of one of the crazy predicaments they got themselves into. She was supposed to be looking forward to the end of school in two weeks so she could do whatever she pleased.

But school was a welcome retreat for Katie. It kept her busy so that she didn't have to think about Logan. She ignored the sympathetic looks her classmates gave her and buried herself in her work. It had paid off. Since Logan had gotten sick, she had gotten nothing but A's. Logan would be proud of her. But Logan wasn't there like he should have been. He was in the hospital fighting for his life.

Up until Katie was five years old, she had always thought that she had four older brothers. Kendall, Logan, James, and Carlos were together so much that it made perfect sense in her young mind, regardless of the fact that their birthdays were all within three months of each other and that they all looked completely different. But they might as well have been brothers. Either brothers or one quarter of the same person.

Because despite their extreme differences the four boys completed each other. Katie would never tell them that she ever thought that. They were in the Anti-Tom Cruise club after all. All four members of the club. Anyway, Katie had designated each boy a part. Kendall was the protector just like he was for his mother and his sister. He could be a passive person as long as his family and friends were okay. But when someone used a racial slur against Carlos, or stole James' lucky comb, or checked Logan too hard at a hockey game, it was almost like he was a different person. One could say anything they wanted about Kendall. But when they said something against anyone close to him, Kendall was almost the father of the group.

James was The Face. But he was also much more. He was sweet, sensitive, and caring. He was the one who always made sure that nobody was left out for better or for worse in their schemes and pranks. But then he wasn't afraid of taking the blame for something he didn't do. His friends never let him of course, but James would rather that he take the fall than any of them.

Logan was obviously the brain. He was always there to try and rein in his crazy friends with his sensible thinking. And when they didn't listen to him, which was practically all the time, he still followed along so he could make sure that he could get them out of the trouble that always followed.

Finally, Carlos was the life of the party. He never missed an opportunity to make people smile or laugh with a lame joke or some absurd prank he came up with. But there was another side to him that only his family and closest friends knew about. Carlos was incredibly in tune to another person's feelings. He almost always knew the words to say or when no words were necessary. And he always made sure that his friends' needs were supplied.

Together, they made a dynamic team. Katie called them the Fantastic Four, the Four Musketeers, the Brotherhood of the Traveling Pant, and most recently, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She called Kendall was Leonardo, James was Raphael, Logan was Donatello, and Carlos was Michelangelo. Their friendship was something you only read in books or saw in movies. But it was real.

But when they were apart, they were no longer for teenaged guys full of confidence and excitement for the days ahead. They were like lost little boys, and that scared Katie.

Feeling incredibly alone, Katie wandered from her bedroom to the family room area. Her father had taken Kendall and James to their support group but Carlos was stuck at home with a bad cold. At the moment, he was laying sound asleep on the large red couch. Longing to talk to him, Katie just sat across from him and watched. She didn't want to wake him up. He hadn't been sleeping well since his nightmare at the hospital. It was like he was afraid to go to sleep. But now he was sleeping peacefully, probably because of the cold medicine Mrs. Knight had practically force-fed him before she left that day.

Then as if he heard her silent cry, Carlos opened his eyes and blinked sleepily. "Katie?" Instantly reading her thoughts it seemed, he sat up and patted the cushion next to him.

She crossed the short distance between them and flopping down next to him, started to cry. It was amazing that she had any tears left. Carlos, having five younger sisters of his own, pulled Katie into a hug and waited patiently for her tears to run dry. "Why?" She finally managed in a choked whisper.

Carlos shook his head sadly. "I don't know." He answered helplessly, his voice cracking. His dark eyes were filled with sadness. "It's not fair is it?"

Normally, when one person complains that something isn't fair, the common response is something like, "Life's not fair." Carlos and Katie were both very well aware of that fact. But this was a different kind of unfair.

"He doesn't deserve any of this." Katie said softly. She saw Carlos stiffen slightly and knew that she had meant Logan's father.

Carlos watched her sadly. Seventeen was already far too young to hear that a best friend was dying. But ten was even worse to hear that someone who you looked up to as a big brother was dying. Katie wasn't a little girl anymore despite her young age. She had been forced into growing up a lot lately and her innocence was fading.

"Did I ever tell you about Sparky?" He asked out of the blue. Katie gave him a puzzled look but shook her head and he went on. "My whole family, except me, is really allergic to pet hair and I had always wanted a pet. So when I was ten my mom brought home a turtle. I named him Sparky." Carlos laughed a little. "I know, Sparky the turtle. Everyone made fun of me but it was my favorite name and I couldn't have a dog."

"Anyway, one day I was playing with him a little bit and then I forgot to put him back in his cage. Kendall, Logan, James and I spent all day looking for him in my house and even outside. And then my mom was emptying the dishwasher and. . . there he was."

Katie choked on a laugh. "Poor Sparky." She said, trying to appear somber.

Carlos sighed. "Yeah, the poor guy. So the guys and I had a funeral for him the next day. Logan even stayed up all night making a turtle coffin for Sparky. He was pulling splinters out of his hands for days afterward. And then after we buried him, Logan stood up and made a speech. Two years later I found out that he was quoting from _Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan._" He shook his head fondly at the memories.

Katie laughed out loud at the thought of a ten year old Logan standing soberly over a turtle grave, quoting possibly one of the geekiest franchises ever, while his friends watched, wide-eyed. She frowned at a sudden thought. "Carlos, was there a point to this story?" She waited for him to tell her something stupid and cliched about how death was just another part of life and-

"No, not really." Carlos said, shrugging. "Honestly? I guess I was just telling you more about Logan and trying to make you smile again. You don't smile much anymore, Katie."

"Neither do you." Katie whispered.

"Good point." Carlos smiled then, but it was sad. "There hasn't been a whole lot to smile about lately, has there?"

"No." Katie shook her head. "Carlos?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared."

Carlos wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Me too."

* * *

Camille stood nervously at Logan's door. She clutched an envelope in her hands and concentrated on not tearing it into tiny pieces. James had handed it over to her with strict instructions not to open it and not to rip it in any way. "Just give it to Logan before you leave." Camille hadn't been back since she and Jo had first visited Logan. Hospitals scared her. The cold, white walls reminded her of what she lost. No one had pushed her and when Jo told her about Logan's father she had become even more afraid. She was afraid of what she would see when she finally went back.

That morning, James had knocked on her door and asked if she could stop by the hospital and give Logan something for them because they wouldn't be able to make it there that day. She had sensed that the envelope was something of a plot to get her to visit Logan but she had nodded and taken the envelope from James. Now, as she stood at the hospital door, all she wanted to do was slip the envelope underneath and run.

Instead, she took a deep breath of air like she always did right before and audition. Then, raising a shaking hand, Camille knocked on the door softly, then opened it.

Logan looked up from reading a thick book and smiled. "Hey, Camille. Come on in." She was distressed to see that he did look sicker than when she had last seen him. To someone who didn't know him or for that matter, somebody with cancer, the change might be imperceptible. It was hard to explain. There was a weariness in his normally bright eyes that didn't come from not sleeping the night before. It was much deeper than that.

"Are you okay?"

Camille gave herself a mental shake and brought herself out of her gloomy thoughts. She looked at Logan who was watching her in concern. He would ask her that. Nothing got by him. He would also know if she lied. No one caught a lie quicker than Logan. So she shrugged her shoulders and tried to smile. "I'm _okay_," She said emphasizing the second word.

"Are you thinking about your dad?" Logan's voice was so gentle and caring that tears came to Camille's eyes and she nodded. Logan felt uncomfortable. He was never very good with girls like his friends were. They made him awkward and nervous. Especially Camille. But it wasn't all that uncomfortable today. Camille was different. She was gentle and subdued and even vulnerable. But it still surprised both of them when Logan reached out and took her hand in his. Before he could pull away in embarrassment, Camille closed her hand around his and squeezed.

"I can't help thinking about him here. It brings back so many memories, both good and bad."

"What was he like?"

Camille smiled. "Funny, caring, gentle, and proud of everything I did." She laughed. "He always called me his little drama queen. People call me a drama queen a lot and I guess it's true. But I was _his_ drama queen. And that made it special." She brushed a tear away.

"I'm sorry, Camille." Logan apologized. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"No." Camille said quickly. "It's okay. It's fine. Sometimes it helps to talk about him. He was the kind of dad every kid should have." The words came out of her mouth before she could even think to stop them. Logan flinched slightly and Camille felt terrible. "Logan, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean-"

"Don't worry." Logan shook his head. "It's not really that big of a deal. He wasn't always like that you know. For the first six years of my life he was great. Pretty much like your dad I guess. He and my mom were great parents. We were happy together."

"What was your mom like?" Camille asked softly.

"The best." Logan answered. "She was always so nice to everyone she met. We lived in a small town back in Minnesota and everyone knew and liked her. She really cared, you know? Like she didn't asked somebody how they were just because it's common courtesy or whatever. She asked because she cared. She was always going out of her way to help people too. But she always made sure that she had plenty of time for me and my dad too."

"I wish I could have met her." Camille said truthfully. "Then I could tell her that she did and awesome job raising her son."

Logan's face turned bright red and Camille couldn't help smiling because at least for the few seconds he was blushing, he wasn't such an awful pale color. "Thanks." He muttered. Then he smiled. "I guess the same goes for you and your dad."

"I think our parents would have gotten along well." Camille said thoughtfully. "They seem very similar. Almost related or something."

"Man, that would be weird." Logan laughed and Camille couldn't help but smile. When Logan laughed, it was so easy to forget how screwed up things were.

"I have to go." She said suddenly remembering the time. "I have auditions."

"That's cool." Logan said easily. "What kind of auditions?"

"Um, you know the usual. Commercials, a few plays at the theater near Palm Woods, and extras." She stood up, gathering her things. "I'll come by late in the week and let you know how things turn out." She promised. She was still terrified of coming to the hospital but when Logan smiled at her words, she decided that it was well worth it. "Oh!" She said on her way out the door. She walked back to Logan's bed and handed the envelope to him. "James asked me to give this to you."

"James?" Logan asked curiously as he took the envelope. "What is it?"

Camille shrugged. "I have no idea. He came over this morning and told me that Kendall and Carlos had delegated him to giving it to me to give to you." She didn't tell him that had it not been for James, she wouldn't have even come to the hospital.

"Okay. Well thanks, Camille." Logan was already inspecting the envelope closely for clues.

"You're welcome." Camille stood at the door uncertainly. "I should go now."

Logan looked up and set aside the envelope. "Thanks for visiting, Camille." He told her. "I've. . . missed you." The words rushed out and he blushed again. "And Jo and Stephanie. And well, everyone at Palm Woods. It can be pretty boring and lonely here."

Camille blinked back tears and cleared her throat. "We miss you too." She said softly. She crossed back over to Logan and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Get better and come back home, okay?" She smiled when he blushed yet again, but this time not very much. Then with another goodbye, she left.

Logan watched her go. He wished she could have stayed longer but he was also glad that she was back to auditioning for anything that came her way. Jo and Stephanie had visited and told him that Camille hadn't done much practicing for anything lately and that had worried him. He knew that change was inevitable but he didn't want that kind of change.

The kiss had been purely platonic. There was nothing romantic about it. And it was on his cheek. Still, Logan thought it was a very nice kiss. He wondered what his friends would say if they knew. Regardless of the intentions of the kiss they would have found it hysterical and teased him about it. Not that he minded. It was all in good fun and it would have been nice to see them more like themselves. But Logan decided not to say anything about the kiss. Friendly or romantic, he wanted to keep it to himself.

He shifted his position on the bed and his fingers brushed against something. The envelope. Thoughts of Camille were chased out of his head by the strong curiosity about the mysterious envelope. He picked it up and studied it. He couldn't help smiling when he saw that his name was written three time across the front, each in different handwriting. It felt slightly thick and Logan could tell that there was more than one piece of paper inside. He slid a finger underneath the seal and carefully tore it away. Pages fell into his lap and Logan tossed the empty envelope into the trash can. Picking up the first page, he began to read.

**A/N. First let me apologize for the long wait. Can you say, "Writer's Block"? Also, I'm sorry if this chapter sucked. It really needed some other characters in it besides the four boys and I blame Katie and Camille on my problems. LOL. I guess I liked it okay. At least I got it out of the way. Updates should be more frequent right now especially since I have a week off from work. Still, reviews are the motivation that keeps this story going. So give me some motavation, huh? All right then. Carpe Diem! **


	26. Reasons

**A/N. I love you guys. Without your reviews, this story would be history. So give yourselves a warm round of applause before you read this. YAY! All right, I'm done being an idiot. I don't own anything. Read on.**

Logan unfolded the first page with trembling hands. It didn't escape him that the last letter he had read had nearly broken him forever. But these letters were from his best friends. They would never hurt him. It still didn't make it any easier. Logan took a deep breath and looked at the paper in his hands. It was from Kendall. He knew it before he read the first line where Kendall unnecessarily told him. Kendall had fairly non-descriptive handwriting. The lone distinctive feature was the rather large lettering because Kendall's hands were awkward holding a pencil. But as Logan read even further on, it reminded him even more of Kendall.

He had talked with his friend. He knew that Kendall was scared for him and angry at his father. He had listened as he poured out his feelings of confusion and frustration. Kendall had _cried_ in front of him. Kendall never cried. But he had been reduced to tears when he confessed to Logan that he felt helpless. It had frightened Logan to see Kendall so. . . weak. James often kept everything locked inside and hidden well but it wasn't too hard to see past his phony smile. Carlos, the most innocent of the four boys wasn't as strong. He was easy to read. But seeing Kendall, their leader, struggling so much was new and not pleasant.

It was hard to read Kendall's letter even though it was basically what Kendall had already told him. The feelings were so new and raw on the pages. The anger especially. There were some places on the paper where the letters were darker and the paper had a small hole in it as if Kendall had pressed really hard with his pen. Then, a few paragraphs caught Logan's eye.

_You know what else scares me? Your dad. I'm afraid he's going to leave you again and hurt you again. Okay, so he never really left you before. Not literally. You two still lived in the same house. But he never talked to you or came to a hockey game or even the awards ceremony at school when you won practically every prize for all of your grades. You always tried to pretend that you didn't care or that it got easier eventually. But I- we all could see that you were hurting. No matter how much you tried to hide it. It's pretty easy to see past someone's act when you've known them for as long as we've known you, Logan. I wish you let us help you. But I guess you don't need help anymore. He's back. And you're so ecstatic about it. It's like he never hurt you in the first place._

_Logan, if he ever leaves you again. . . we'll be here for you. Don't shut us out and pretend that you're okay. We're your friends. We'll always be here for you._

Logan shut his eyes and allowed a few tears to fall. Kendall had been afraid that his dad would leave him again. That was why he had been so cold to Ryan Mitchell the first day. Kendall, as well as James and Carlos had been afraid for him. They didn't want to see him get hurt again. But he had. He had been hurt more deeply than he had ever imagined was possible.

He didn't know if he could ever tell his friends about his thoughts right after reading his father's letter. They would be crushed. Logan had wanted nothing more than to die that day. The desire to live had been sucked out of him with every single word of his father's handwriting. He had thought of how he could do it. Suicide seemed so simple. For example, there had been a pair of scissors sitting right on his night stand, as if they were daring him. They were the sharp kind too. There was no logical reason for them to be there so Logan laid there and stared at them, pondering their usefulness. He knew right where to cut on his wrists too. And then all he could think of was what it would do to Carlos, James, and Kendall if he took his own life.

_Just don't leave us, okay? Man, Logan. Don't. . . don't die. It wouldn't be the same without you. I can't even imagine it. I don't want to_

Kendall trusted him. Logan knew he didn't deserve that trust. He wondered what Kendall would think of his brief suicidal thoughts. What would he say if he knew just how close Logan had come to giving up?

Struggling not to cry even more because it was all he had been doing lately and he felt like such a weak girl for it, Logan carefully refolded Kendall's letter and set it aside. Taking a deep breath, he picked up the next letter.

It was from Carlos. Logan smiled as he recognized his friend's messy scrawl. Carlos was always in too much of a hurry to make sure that his writing was little more than legible. But after twelve years, Logan could read it easily.

Predictably, Carlos' letter was about his fears for everyone else. But Logan hadn't realized how much his younger friend had truly been scared. He had told him about how different everyone had been acting but as he read, Logan was realizing just how bad things had been. James had had a freaking nervous breakdown. James. The same kid who turned into the Incredible Hulk whenever he got really mad. His friends had been falling apart more than he had ever thought possible.

_Logan, you have to do your part too. You have to fight and not give up. We'll help you however we can. We can't do this without you, Logan. We just can't. We need you. We're fighting with you. Don't give up and I know we'll be okay._

Carlos trusted him too. Logan shook his head. The faith his friends had in him was unbelievable. They probably never even assumed that he had been so depressed. They were so afraid that the cancer would kill him. But really, why would anyone ever think that Logan Mitchell would ever be depressed enough to kill himself. It had only been a little more than a passing thought and now it wasn't even an option. But it still made Logan feel awful to know how much his friends thought of him.

James' letter was next. His handwriting was for some reason, always written in capital letters. All of it. It made it just slightly less difficult to read than Carlos' writing. Today, Logan noticed that the large, block letter were a little crooked as if James' hands had been shaking while he wrote.

Logan still didn't understand how James could have ever felt guilty. Sure, he had pushed him a little harder than normal but that even if he hadn't, it wouldn't have changed anything. He was just glad that James had finally started to see that.

_Whether they meant their words or not, Kendall and Carlos scared me today. What's going to happen to us if we. . . if we lose you, Logan? You're like the glue that hold us together. Actually, we're all the glue. But we need all four of us to make things work. Otherwise we just fall apart. We're falling apart right now, Logan._

It scared Logan to know how much his friends depended on him. How much they depended on each other for that matter. What would happen to the rest of them if they lost one? Could they stay together? They had to. They needed each other.

_I'm going to come right out and say it: Logan, you cannot die. You're too young. You're too good. You're Logan. You're our friend. Forget about Big Time Rush. That's not what has kept us together for so many years. To tell you the truth, I have no clue why we're friends. We're so different. But why we're friends doesn't matter. What matters is that we are friends and that we remain friends. So don't give up, Logan. We have so much left to do together._

Forget Big Time Rush? James couldn't completely drop his dream just like that. But he was right. They had been best friends long before Big Time Rush was even a thought. And they would remain friends. No matter what happened. No matter what they lost.

Logan finished James' letter and carefully folded them all together. He placed them back in the envelope and picked up the last piece of paper. Despite the sad letters he had just read, he couldn't help laughing when he saw that the paper was covered in three different types of handwriting. Then he started to read it.

_REASONS WHY LOGAN MITCHELL CAN'T DIE._

_Kendall would miss him._

_James would miss him. _

_Carlos would miss him._

_Everyone would miss him!_

_Kendall would fail science._

_James would fail history._

_Carlos would fail math._

_Kendall and Gustavo would kill each other._

_James would never get anywhere on time because he'd be spending too much time in the mirror._

_Carlos would never be able to find anything in his room._

_Katie would take over the world!_

_Camille would stop acting forever. And that would be too weird._

_Teachers wouldn't get to give any A's out!_

_The medical world would lose one of it's greatest before he even got started._

_Camille needs a husband._

_Our kids need three uncles._

_Three is an uneven number._

_Dude, senior year!_

_Two words: Driver's license. Like, not just a learner's permit (Okay, that was actually eight words.)._

_Big Time Rush would be Big Time Fail._

_We would all get arrested somehow._

_Dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets._

_Swirly slide!_

_Someone needs to be responsible. And it sure isn't going to be Carlos. Or James. Or Kendall._

_Hockey just wouldn't be any fun._

_CD's!_

_Dude, Toy Story 3!_

_It would be illogical._

_Palm Woods would burn down._

_Mercedes Griffin still needs you as her boyfriend!_

_Dome hockey._

_No one does a better Griffin impression._

_Ghosts would be real._

_Carlos would shave Kendall's eyebrows._

_And cut James' hair._

_And overdose on sugar._

_Concerts._

_Who would watch Star Trek with Kendall's mom?_

_James still needs to teach you about dating!_

_You have to attend the Palm Woods' Handsome Doctor's Convention ten years from now!_

_All of the girls would kill James._

_We need to go on a four-way date!_

_To borrow a phrase from Kelly Clarkson, our lives would suck without you._

_You'd be an awesome husband._

_And dad._

_We'd miss your dry humor._

_Dak Zevon would take over the world with Katie!_

_Vamipah would record a CD with Rocque Records._

_Gustavo would have to take over his father's scooter business!_

_We'd miss your brain._

_Camille would miss your dimples._

_Everyone would miss your laugh._

_Okay, let's face it. Everyone would miss everything about you. But you don't seem to really get that, Logan. So we complied this lame and pathetic list, hoping that it might convince you that we need you. Life wouldn't be the same without you and we don't want a "new normal". We want you healthy and alive. We'd rather never see you again and have you alive then watch you. . . die. Logan, if it weren't for you, James would have drowned, Carlos would have frozen, and Kendall would have either been killed in that tornado, or he would have no friends because you wouldn't be there and Carlos and James would be dead. We owe our lives to you, Logan. So let us return the favor. And don't finish this letter and start thinking how you're not good enough. You're the best, Logan. Thanks for everything. You've given us all so much but we still need one more thing. We need you to fight and beat this cancer. And remember that you won't be doing it alone. We'll be right there with you, every step of the way. Promise._

The letter was signed by all three of the boys. Logan read it three more times. Most of the reasons were pretty silly. But some of them were completely serious and Logan could read the fear in between the lines. He folded the paper and put it back in the envelope with the others. As he did, a picture dropped out.

It was a very familiar picture of them. One of the first that had been taken of them. They were five years old but it had already captured their personalities perfectly. James was the only one looking straight at the camera, grinning his small face off. Carlos was in mid-air as he jumped off the couch. Kendall was reaching out to steady Carlos when he landed. Logan was watching them wide-eyed, and holding onto a toy doctor's kit ready to help Carlos.

The picture was so laughably futuristic that Logan couldn't help laughing. He had the best friends in the entire world. No one deserved such loyal, trusting friends. It was unnerving but comforting at the same time to know how much they relied on him. He couldn't let them down now. He thought back to what he said to James that night they couldn't sleep. He had told him that it was a two-way friendship. They had to rely on each other for help. The words had been meant for James, to comfort his friend and convince him that he wasn't to blame for any of this. But Logan realized then that the words for meant as him as well. He had to let his friends help him. He had to accept that they trusted him so blindly because that was who they were.

**A/N. Meh. I don't know how much I liked this. It wast and used a lot of old material but it felt necessary also. Anyway, now would be a good time to mention that I've never needed motivation more than I do now. So, reviews would be great. Thanks everyone!**


	27. Family

**A/N. Before you go any further, I have to apologize. Let's just say that the angst monster did not appreciate being locked in the closet for the majority of the previous chapter. All right. Read on.**

"Ready, Logan?" Kendall couldn't help grinning like an idiot as he stood with his friends in Logan's hospital room. Then again, he wasn't alone. Carlos and James looked like twin Cheshire cats and Logan looked better than he had in weeks. For good reason, too. The doctors had finally cleared him healthy enough to leave the hospital and rest in the comfort of Apartment 2J at the Palm Woods.

Logan rolled his eyes at Kendall's question. "You're kidding right? I've been ready for hours. Let's go home." He eagerly swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up.

Kendall's smile wavered momentarily as he watched Logan. It was a welcome change to see Logan wearing regular clothes instead of a hospital gown, but seeing his friend in his old jeans and T-shirt, it was easy for Kendall to see how much weight Logan had lost. He had always been scrawny, ever since Kendall could remember. Even in the baby pictures the boys had seen of Logan, he was always small. But today, his clothes hung loosely on him, giving him a painfully thin appearance. Kendall shook his head and smiled again. Today wasn't for thinking like that. Logan was coming home where he belonged.

"Are you sure you don't need a wheelchair?" Doctor Walsh stood by, watching Logan with a practiced eye.

Logan squirmed under the doctor's inspection. "I'm fine. Really. It's not a long walk out to the car." As if to prove his point he moved quickly to the door. "Can I go now? Please?"

Kendall laughed. Logan sounded like a little kid begging an adult. But he couldn't blame his friend. The hospital was a depressing and stifling place and the boys weren't even there 24/7 like Logan was.

"Take this just in case." Doctor Walsh advised, pushing a wheelchair into James' hands. "If he seems to be getting tired at all, please make him sit in it and rest. He can't afford to exert himself very much."

James nodded seriously, ignoring Logan's pleading look with great difficulty. He knew as well as anyone that Logan had no desire to sit in the chair. He wanted to be treated normally, as if nothing was wrong. But they couldn't afford to do that. So James fiddled with the handle bars to avoid Logan's face.

"Come on you guys, let's go!" Carlos said, as he sensed the rising tension. He clapped his helmet to his head and led them out of the door.

The walk was mercifully short. The elevator did a lot of the work for them and to the boys' delight, Logan hardly seemed tired at all. When they stepped outside, he lifted his face to the sun and sighed. "Man, I haven't been outside for so long that I almost forgot what the sun feels like."

A car horn honked and Mrs. Knight waved cheerfully at them from the driver's seat of her minivan and the boys could see Katie in the back seat. James expertly folded the wheelchair and loaded in in the back much to Logan's dismay. Then they all hopped in the waiting vehicle.

"Ready to go home, Logan?" Mrs. Knight glanced at him in the rear view mirror.

He nodded. "You have no idea how ready I am." He said seriously.

Katie was bouncing up and down on the seat in front of him. She unbuckled her seat belt and turned around. "Logan! Wait til we get home. There's a surprise. We-"

Kendall's arm snaked out and he clapped a hand over his little sister's mouth. "Katie!" He said warningly. "It won't be a surprise if you say anything."

"Katie, turn around and buckle your seat belt." Mrs. Knight admonished. But she was smiling as she did so.

Logan watched them all curiously. Mrs. Knight hadn't stopped grinning since they had arrived at the hospital, Katie was practically bouncing out of her seat, and Kendall looked so mysteriously happy that it was actually a little freaky. Carlos and James looked oddly ecstatic and jealous at the same time. Logan was unspeakably glad to be going back to Palm Woods and he knew that everyone else was just as happy. But there was something else as well. Something he couldn't place his finger on.

They pulled onto the highway and Logan gave up on trying to figure out what had everyone so extra giddy. Instead he turned to watch the busy city of LA fly by as they drove. He had never appreciated it more than he did at that moment. Never before had the outdoors looked so insanely beautiful and welcoming. He longed to be able to walk the relatively short distance from the hospital to the hotel. But he knew in his heart that he wasn't quite up to the task and besides, nobody would ever even think of letting him. So he settled for enjoying the world from the other side of the glass.

Carlos couldn't take his eyes off his friend. And this time, it wasn't because he was terrified to look away, but because Logan looked so impossibly happy and content. The only signs of his sickness was his thin frame but for the first time in a long time, his face was clear of anything but pure joy. And that outweighed everything else.

However, as they neared Palm Woods, a change came over Logan. He became distracted by silent thoughts and he drummed his fingers nervously on his knees. When they pulled into the parking lot, Logan moved away from the window and shrank back up against his seat.

"Are you okay, Logan?" Carlos asked. The words were louder than he had intended and everyone ceased their happy chatter to look worriedly at Logan.

Logan glared at Carlos for the unwanted attention. "I'm okay." He responded with a sigh. "I just. . . I'm afraid." He finally admitted.

"Of what?" Carlos asked in genuine confusion. "You're home now."

Logan pressed his lips together in a tight line. "I know that." He said. "And I'm really glad to be home, trust me. But. . . I don't want everyone treating me in a weird way." He confessed in a rush of words. He ducked his head as their expressions went from concern to pity. He rubbed the back of his neck and waited for someone to say something.

"Logan, it'll all be okay." Carlos said firmly. "I mean, I'm not saying that everyone's not going to treat you differently 'cause they will." He glared back at Kendall and James. "What? They will!" He turned back to Logan. "But that's okay, Logan. They can't help themselves. It doesn't mean anything important."

Logan knew that Carlos was right. It really didn't matter if everyone did treat him oddly. He was still the same person. Just. . . different somehow. What people thought, did, or said didn't really matter in the end. They didn't change who he was. He nodded. "You're right." He agreed, smiling at the smirk Carlos gave Kendall and James. At least his friends were still the same.

Mostly the same anyway. When they got out, he must have been asked by everyone at least twice if he needed to sit in the wheelchair. After convincing them that he was perfectly capable of walking the short distance, Logan watched as James held onto the stupid thing like he was afraid it would roll away if he let go for just a second.

Palm Woods had never looked so awesome. _"Home sweet home"._ Logan thought happily as he walked towards the lobby, the other right behind him. It was unusually quiet as he approached the familiar revolving doors. Logan grinned thinking of all the times the four boys had made themselves sick by running around in circles with the doors and then stumbling around as they tried to be the first one to jump in the pool. He reached out to push on the door but Kendall choose that moment to conveniently trip over his own two feet and stumble ahead of Logan, pushing the door open as he did so. He returned Logan's head shake with a innocent grin as the small group walked into the lobby.

The quiet bustle that had been going on instantly came to a complete halt when people caught sight of Logan. Some tried to send smiles of encouragement his way but stayed where they were. Most of them dropped their gazes and went about their business in an awkward, uncomfortable way. The Jenifers pretended to study their scripts as if their lives depended on it and Mr. Bitters was apparently swamped in desk work.

But there was also little Tyler, who popped up from behind a bush where he had been hiding from his star struck mother, and ran over to them long enough to give Logan the world's most awkward and yet sweet hug before running off again. And there was also Guitar Dude who followed them all the way to their room playing a lively rendition of all things, "Celebrate" by Kool and the Gang, which made Logan want to laugh and cry at the same time. Since crying would make him feel like a girl, and everyone would probably flip out, he settled for laughing and giving Guitar Dude a high five as the older guy finished his strumming.

For the most part, it had been relatively painless. Logan thought that the experience had affected the others more than him because they all looked slightly bothered. But thanks to Guitar Dude, their spirits seemed a little lifted and when Kendall opened the door, all thoughts of the uncomfortable reception were clearly forgotten.

Loan stared around the room in amazement. It was decorated from floor to ceiling in assorted colors of balloons and streamers. A large banner hung in the middle of the room saying, "Welcome Home Logan!" in brightly colored paint. The splash of color was such a contrast to the white walls of the hospital that Logan could only stare, speechless, before he finally noticed that there was a small crowd of people in the room.

Gustavo stood uncertainty by the kitchen while Kelly moved from her place by his side to give Logan a gentle hug. James' and Carlos' parents were back, this time with all five of Carlos' five younger sisters. Kendall's dad stood nearby. Stephanie, Jo, and Julie, the girl James had met at the hospital, greeted him with bright smiles. Camille skipped up to him.

"It's about time you got here, Guest of Honor." She said giving him a light kiss on the cheek much to the delight of the other boys. "We've been waiting. Come on. Come sit down." She tugged gently on his hand to shake him out of his stupor and led him to the big red couch.

"What-" Logan started as he sank down into the couch.

"Shhh." Camille pressed a finger to his lips and he couldn't help smiling at the familiar gesture. "Be patient."

"You can't have a party at Palm Woods." Logan couldn't help protesting. "It's against the rules."

"It's not a party." Kendall came over to them and sat down. "It's a social gathering." He added, winking at Jo.

"Do the Super Hollywood Party Kings of Hollywood know that?" Logan asked doubtfully.

"Of course we do." Carlos insisted as he and James strolled up with their respective dates. "James promises to be on his best behavior."

"Me?" James shot his friend a disgusted look. "You're the one who called everyone in your phone the last time."

"I thought it said Al Contacts!" Carlos protested as his friends laughed. "Anyway, you have to admit that it was one sweet party."

"Definitely one I'll never forget." Kendall rolled his eyes. "Anyway, Logan. This is a welcome home social gathering for you. And even though it's clearly _not_ a party, we have presents!"

"Presents!" James and Carlos cheered.

Logan blushed. "You didn't have to." He muttered shyly, embarrassed by all the attention.

"Yes we did." James, Carlos, and Kendall said at the same time. "Besides." Kendall assured him. "It's only a couple of things. One of them being, the part- I mean, social gathering itself. And everyone here." He swept an arm around the room.

"So, really there's only two presents that you don't know about." Carlos was practically bouncing from his seat on the floor. "Can we do presents now?" He said louder.

To Logan's surprise, Gustavo and Kelly stepped forward. Gustavo was unusually subdued. The music producer was known to be in a constant bad mood unless things were going exactly his way but Logan hardly recognized the man standing before him.

Gustavo himself didn't know what to say. In the past six months that the dogs, the boys, had been recording with him he had grown to care about them. But to maintain his reputation, he had made sure to keep his feelings as little known as possible. It had never occurred to him that he might suddenly find himself in a situation like this. The situation didn't make sense. Logan being sick like he was. And as far as Ryan Mitchell was concerned, Gustavo wanted to do nothing better than to hunt down the man and make him regret everything that he had done to his son. It was hard to be tough when you're in the middle of something like Gustavo was. Perhaps the hardest part was seeing how well Logan was taking the whole thing.

He cleared his throat to speak. "Um, Griffin wanted to be here to but. . . he can't. Something about his plan making an emergency landing in Alaska." A smile quirked at the edges of Logan's mouth and Gustavo looked down at his feet. "Anyway, I know that there are a lot of medical bills coming. . ." He glances sideways at Mrs. Knight. "Your way, and I just wanted to let you know that you don't need to worry about anything. We'll take care of it."

Logan stared at him in disbelief. "I. . . I don't know what to say." He shook his head. "I can't let you do that Gustavo."

Gustavo shook his head back at Logan. "Logan, yes you can. And it's not just me you should know. It's Rocque Records as a whole. Besides." He shrugged looking embarrassed at having shown show much emotion. "It's the least we could do after all your hard work."

"But Big Time Rush is on hold right now." Logan protested. "I'm not doing anything right now."

Gustavo sighed. "Has he always been like this?" He asked the other boys.

"Always." They chorused.

"Logan, sweetie we want to do this for you." Kelly put her hand on Logan's shoulder. "Please let us help you however we can."

"I don't know what to say." Logan repeated, absolutely stunned by the generosity. "Thank you doesn't seem like enough."

"All we ask is that you get better." Kelly smiled tearfully as she hugged him once more. Gustavo settled for a manly handshake.

"Is it our turn yet?" Katie asked excitedly, as she came bounding over to where they were sitting. She clutched a fat, yellow envelope in her hands and hopped impatiently from one foot to the other.

"If Logan is ready." Mrs. Knight steadied her daughter with a hand on her shoulder and smiled over at Logan.

Logan brushed a hand conspicuously across his eyes and smiled at them. "I guess I'd better be ready." He said with a shaky smile. "I don't know if Katie can keep it together for much longer. She might explode or something."

Before he was done talking, Katie had thrust the envelope into his hands and settled herself into a barely contained sitting position at his feet. "Hurry up and open it!"

Logan slit the top open and pulled out a stack of papers with trembling hands. He frowned when he took in the official looking pages. "What-"

"You're smart. Try and figure it out yourself." Kendall had pulled his arm from around Jo's shoulders and was watching Logan intently.

Logan realized then that the room had gone completely silent. Kelly and Gustavo had slipped out sometime during his and Katie's exchange and the girls had moved to a corner as if to give the Big Time Rush families some privacy. Feeling everyone's eyes on him, he began to scan the papers. It didn't take long before the confusing words and phrases were beginning to make sense and yet he couldn't believe what they said.

"Is this real?" He asked, unable to say anything else.

"One hundred percent real." Mrs. Knight came over to sit next to Logan. "Logan, I know that you. . . that you haven't had much of a family for most of your life. I regret not doing this sooner especially since you're almost eighteen. And you can say 'no' if you want. We'll understand if you do." She took a deep breath. "But Kendall and Katie and I want you to become a part of our family. Officially that is, since you already are like a son to me."

Tears were burning behind his eyes and Logan sniffed. "Do you really want me?" He asked hesitantly and Mrs. Knight's motherly heart broke. Just how much damage had been done after Logan's father left? He was so unfamiliar with the concept of being wanted that it was absolutely unbelievable.

"Only if you want to." She responded squeezing his hand. Logan nodded wordlessly and she pulled him into an embrace.

Logan heard the quiet, celebratory cheers but he didn't pay any attention to them. All he knew it that moment was that he had a real family again. It had been ages since he had seen his mother, heard her talk or laugh, watched her face light up with a smile, and been engulfed in a hug that only a mother could do. He didn't try to stop the tears from falling because this time, they weren't tears of sadness, but of joy. For the first time in years, he felt completely whole.

**A/N. So that wasn't too angsty wasn't it? That means we're in trouble for the next chapter. The Angst Monster is really angry with me right now. Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter. I did. But that doesn't really matter. What matters is your opinion so let me know what you thought by leaving me a review! Thank you so much! Carpe Diem!**


	28. Changes

**A/N. The Angst Monster escaped from my closet. That's all I have to say on the matter. I don't own anything. Read on.**

The "social gathering" that "really wasn't a party" didn't last very long. The guests began to leave as soon as Logan started to look worn out. Camille left last but not before giving him another quick kiss on the cheek much to his friends' delight. But now it was just the four of them. Just like old times. Mrs. Knight and Katie had retreated to the ten year old's bedroom to work on her final school assignments before summer vacation started giving the boys the large room to themselves. The TV was on but none of them paid attention to the World Cup soccer game. It was mostly for background noise.

"So what did you think?" James asked as he picked up a forgotten streamer from the floor and began to play with it.

"I don't even know what to tell you." Logan responded. He leaned into the large pillow at the end of the couch. "Everything was so awesome."

"Dude, you and Kendall are brothers!" Carlos exploded. "Like, for real!" He tried, and failed quite miserably, to wipe the grin off of his face. "That's so awesome!"

"Yeah, that's probably the best part." Logan grinned to. "I always wanted a brother. And a sister." He added, with a quick nod towards Katie's room. "I have a mom again too." He said, quieter this time. "Not that, you know, she takes the place of my mom but. . ." He trailed off and shrugged. "You know." He was relieved when his friends nodded in complete understanding. "And wow, Gustavo paying for all the medical bills?" He shook his head in wonder. "That blew my mind."

"You were the one who always said that Gustavo had a heart buried somewhere inside of him." Carlos teased. "Looks like you were right."

"Yeah." Logan agreed, smiling ruefully. "But it's still incredibly generous of Rocque Records. I mean, it can't be cheap."

"You're worth it." Carlos said simply. "Everyone knows that. We all care about you Logan. Even Gustavo Rocque the Rock. It was the least he could do anyway."

"Still." Logan pulled at a loose thread on the couch. "It's kind of hard to take it all in." He raised his head to look at his friends. "I don't just mean this. . . social gathering. I mean everything. So much has changed lately. Getting sick, my. . . dad, being adopted." He said the last thing with a smile. "It's all so sudden. One day we were at the hockey rink talking about producing our CD and the next day, everything changed."

"Well." Carlos said slowly, choosing his words carefully. "Not all of the changes have been bad. I guess for the most part they have. Like you getting sick or your dad. But there has been some good things too. Like, you have a family now." He grinned. "Like, officially. Dude, James and I are so jealous." He glanced sideways at James and watched the other boy nod. "Not that you're not our brother anyway that is."

James jumped in. "And Camille." He said, smiling when Logan blushed. "You guys seem to be-"

"Shhh." Kendall shot James a look. "Stay G-rated." He warned with a straight face.

Logan choked on a laugh and blushed even further. "What the heck, Kendall?" He protested.

"I'm just making sure that James behaves himself." Kendall said innocently.

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Knight." James tossed a pillow at Kendall. "I only meant to say that Camille and Logan are starting to look. . . well, like a couple I guess."

Logan was shaking his head. "We're not." He said. "We're just friends."

Carlos and James turned to face each other, each mouthing _"Yeah right"._

Kendall laughed but looked at Logan apologetically. "We'll stop if you really want us to."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Are you kidding? Kendall, this is exactly what I've missed." He nodded at James and Carlos. "You three idiots acting like yourselves."

"Hey!" Carlos said indignantly. "I protest being called an idiot."

Logan shook his head at his friend. "Kendall, can you say-"

"Denial?" Kendall finished.

"Don't worry though, Carlos." Logan said comfortingly. "We're all idiots in one way or another."

James raised his eyebrows. "Logan, you do know that you just said one of the corniest things in history, right?"

"I take lessons from Kendall." Logan said without missing a beat. "All of those pep talks are really starting to sink in."

"At least you were paying attention." Kendall said with a shrug. He didn't mind being picked on. Neither did James or Carlos. Or Logan for that matter. After weeks stuck on an emotional roller coaster, things were finally settling down. They had no idea how long it would last so all they could do was enjoy the moment. The light banter was a welcome relief from the silent grief that had been hanging over their heads like a cloud.

Logan laughed but paused to cough lightly into his hand. He frowned at the looks of concern that automatically crossed the faces of the others. "Don't ask. I'm fine."

"Are you-" James began but stopped at Logan's glare. He smiled slightly. "Okay. I'll stop."

"Thank you." Logan sighed and closed his eyes.

"Are you tired?" Carlos couldn't help asking.

"A little." Logan nodded regretfully. "It's been a long day. But I'm okay for now." He waited for one of the boys to question if he was sure but it never happened to his great relief. But of course it wasn't that simple.

"Well." Kendall stood up and yawned. Faker. "I'm really tired." He gave James and Carlos pointed looks. Both stood up and mimicked his fake yawn. "I think I'm ready to turn in." Kendall muffled another yawn, this one even less convincing than the first. "What about you guys?" He watched as Carlos and James muttered in agreement. "Logan?"

Logan simply glared at them but stood up. He gently shook off the three pairs of hands that offered to help. "Yeah sure, why not? Since everyone else seems so suddenly tired I guess I'll go to bed too."

Carlos and the others shrugged of their friend's sarcastic words and got ready for bed. After four quick showers and brushing their teeth, they poked their heads in Katie's room to say goodnight to her and Mrs. Knight. Kendall's mother didn't seem a bit surprised at the early bedtime. In fact, she looked pleased which gave Logan the suspicion that she had a hand in it herself.

James and Carlos said goodnight quickly then left to give the others some privacy. Kendall gave his mother and little sister a kiss and hug and then stood by and watched his new brother do the same very hesitantly. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so happy since before Logan's diagnosis. He remembered being just eight years old and wishing that they could adopt Logan. It made sense to him then. Logan's mother was dead and his father was never around. He spent most of his time at his friends' houses anyway. But when he had presented his idea to his parents who were still together at that time, they had told him that although they would have loved to adopt Logan, there was no way the state would let them since his father didn't outright abuse or neglect him.

His parents' explanations gave Kendall reason to question the justice system even at his young age. What qualified as neglect? Apparently not leaving your eight year old son home alone for hours at a time to fend for himself. Maybe it was because Mr. Mitchell kept the cabinets and refrigerator well stocked and maybe it was because Logan was rarely home alone anyway since he was always over one of his friends' houses. But it still didn't seem right to Kendall.

But now after all these years, Logan actually was his brother. Not that he had ever considered him anything less. Carlos and James too. But for some reason the court papers made it even better. Kendall just wished that it didn't have to occur after such horrific circumstances. Even after weeks of writing to Logan and talking to him about how much he meant to them all, Kendall had seen the hesitation in his friend's eyes when he saw the papers. The disbelief. Almost like he thought they were pulling a prank on him. He knew then that no matter what they did or said, there would always be a small part of Logan that would be broken and afraid. All thanks to his father. Ryan Mitchell had forever damaged his son. They may be better than all of the king's horses and all the king's men but they couldn't fix Logan completely. Still, Kendall loved his new brother even more for his fragile state.

He smiled as he watched Logan hug Katie. The ten year old had completely forgotten about her homework as she wrapped her arms tightly around her new big brother. When she finally released him, Logan turned to Mrs. Knight. The woman embraced him like only a mother could. Kendall watched as Logan kissed her on the cheek and then whispered something in her ear that made her eyes fill with happy tears. After hugging both of her sons one more time, Mrs. Knight sent them off to bed and set about trying to get Katie to focus on her school work again.

They boys said goodnight to one another then headed off to their separate bedrooms. They didn't last long though. Kendall laid in his bed for all of seven minutes before he grabbed his sleeping bag and pillow and quietly moved into Logan's room. The other boy, despite his protests, was already sound asleep and Kendall silently spread his sleeping bag across the floor and laid down. He couldn't take his eyes off of Logan because there was a part of him that was afraid that if he looked away, Logan might disappear when he turned back around. He tried to settle his thoughts by counting backwards from one thousand. He had reached nine hundred fifty one when Carlos came in and nine hundred thirty when James joined them. None of the boys spoke. They all settled into their sleeping bags and assured that Logan was finally back with them, that they were finally four once again, they drifted off to sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Carlos woke up first. Immediately his eyes darted to Logan's bed. Logan was awake and watching them all with a blank expression on his face. When he saw that Carlos was awake he sat up. "Carlos, can I ask you a question?"

Carlos stood up and sat by Logan on the bed. "Sure. What's up?"

Logan rubbed the back of his neck. "Do you think I'm helpless?" He finally asked.

Carlos blinked. He hadn't been expecting that. "Um, what do you mean?" He asked, unsure of what to do or say.

"I mean, you all treat me like I'm completely helpless. And I'm not. Sure I have cancer and I'm really sick but I can still take care of myself for the most part. You're all acting like I'm on my deathbed or something." The words came out in a rush and harsher than Logan had intended. He saw the hurt in Carlos' eyes and he regretted saying anything. "Sorry." He said softly "I didn't mean-"

"No." Carlos said shaking his head. "It's fine, Logan. Really. I understand why you feel that way." He played with the strap of his hockey helmet and thought carefully. "We don't want to treat you differently, Logan. We really don't. It's just. . . you _look_ helpless. You're so skinny and pale and. . . well, weak looking. We're afraid you might hurt yourself or get sick or. . ." He finally trailed off and shrugged helplessly. "I don't know."

Logan was silent. When Carlos finished speaking he sighed. "I think I understand. I mean, it's hard. But I guess if it were someone else-" He broke off and shuddered at the thought of someone other than himself being sick. "I guess I would be the same way."

Carlos nodded in relief. "Yeah."

Logan smiled then and stood up. "Thanks, Carlos. I'm going to go take a shower now, okay? The hospital showers aren't exactly the best." He cautiously sniffed his underarm and grimaces making Carlos laugh softly. "I got a shower last night but you'd never know it. Gross."

Carlos watched him go, then turned his attention back to Kendall and James. Both of them were still sound asleep. They looked so peaceful that Carlos was tempted to get a cup of cold water and take a page from Katie's book. But they had all had trouble sleeping lately. Even Kendall and Carlos. Logan's absence had given 2J an empty feel to it and Carlos suspected that was why they had all slept so well last night. Because Logan was back.

So instead of giving James and Kendall a rude awakening, Carlos wandered into the family room where Mrs. Knight was making coffee. "Morning." He greeted her softly.

"Carlos, hi." She greeted him with a smile. "How did you sleep, honey?"

Carlos smiled slightly at her words. He missed his family when they were back in Minnesota but Mrs. Knight was like a second mother to him. "I slept fine." He told her. "How about you?"

"Better than I have in a long time." She said honestly. "It's so nice to have Logan back."

"How does it feel to be his mom?" Carlos grinned.

She returned his smile. "Well, I know that I can never replace his real mother." She said softly. "But it means the world to me that I can give him a family again."

The two of them fell into a natural easy chat as they waited for the rest of the house to wake up. Kendall woke next to the sound of voices coming from the kitchen. He sat up slowly and cracked his stiff neck. Looking around he saw that James was the only one still asleep. Carlos and Logan were both gone. Standing up quietly so he didn't wake up James, Kendall crept carefully out of the bedroom. Carlos and his mother were chatting companionably at the kitchen counter. Logan was nowhere to be seen. "Morning." He yawned.

"Hi, sweetie." Mrs. Knight gave her son a one armed hug and dropped a kiss on his forehead. "Sleep well?"

Kendall nodded. "Where's Logan?" He asked curiously.

"Shower." Carlos said around a mouthful of toast. "It sounds like he's done though."

"I'm going to go see if I can hurry him up a little." Kendall yawned again. "I need a shower to wake up." He walked silently down the hall to the bathroom.

"Logan?" He knocked on the door. "Hey, hurry up a little. I need a shower too you know." He frowned when his teasing was met with silence. "Logan?" He said again a note of panic creeping into his voice. "Logan, are you okay?" Nothing. "Logan, if you don't answer I'm coming in." He warned, trying to joke. Fear made him choke on his laugh though and he swallowed hard. "Okay, Logan I warned you." He grabbed the doorknob with both shaking hands, for once incredibly grateful that it didn't lock. He flung the door open.

To his surprise, and relief, Logan wasn't laying on the cold floor, passed out. But what he was doing made no sense. He stood silently in front of the mirror and stared at his reflection. His hair was damp and he was fully clothed so Kendall couldn't begin to guess what his friend was thinking. "Logan, you scared me to death. What the heck is wrong?"

Logan showed no sign of even knowing that Kendall was there. Kendall was about to try again when Logan suddenly spoke. "Watch." He whispered, not even taking his eyes off the face in the mirror. He silently raised a hand to his head. Kendall noticed for the first time, the comb that was gripped firmly in the shaking hand. He watched as Logan ran the comb through his damp hair. And he watched as soft strands of black hair fell gently to the bathroom floor.

**A/N. If you need me I'll be in my Weeping Corner.**


	29. Hair

**A/N. The Angst Monster pushed me down the Palm Woods wishing well for this one. If anyone feels like joining me I'd be grateful. I don't own anything. Read on.**

Logan Mitchell had never considered himself a vain person. That was James' job. Logan actually considered himself just average looking. He had always been kind of scrawny and pale, there was nothing strikingly remarkable about his features, or really any reason that girls might find him attractive. He didn't spend hours in the shower and in front of the mirror like James did. As long as he was presentable. Clean and neat.

But when he ran the comb through his hair for the first time and saw the strands float to the floor and lay there mockingly, Logan was speechless. He was smart. He had done hours of research on cancer before and after he was diagnosed with the disease. He knew the side effects of chemo as well as he knew square roots and Newton's law of gravity. Fatigue, intense nausea, pain. . . and hair loss. They were just a few of the numerous side-effects that were caused by chemotherapy. But up until that moment, he had only been fatigued. And even that had been fading, more or less, as his body grew used to the drug. For some reason that now seemed incredibly stupid to him, Logan thought that for once in his life, he was getting off easy. That maybe for once in his seventeen years, life would give him a break.

What a joke. He had been stupid to think that. He had cancer, not some horrible case of the flu that he could just sleep through. Chemotherapy. Most people thought of hair loss when they heard those words. Logan had seen plenty of cancer patients before. More than he wanted to see. The majority of them had wigs, or hats, or were just plain bald. Oh sure, once in a while there was the girl with the boyish hair-do because she was just growing her once golden locks back. Once in a while there was the kid who, like him, had yet to lose his hair in the first place. But their was a reason that most people associate unnaturally bald people with cancer. Chemotherapy.

Kendall's panicked voice on the other side of the door interrupted Logan's thoughts. His friend, his _brother_, was doing that thing where he was trying not to go into full blown panic mode when he was just absolutely freaking out. It was part of Kendall's fierce protective side. Logan knew that he should say something to let Kendall know that he wasn't laying unconscious on the floor or some other nightmarish scenario that Kendall was undoubtedly dreaming up right now. But Logan's brain disconnected itself from the rest of his body and wouldn't let his mouth form any words.

So Logan wasn't surprised when Kendall had flung open the door. It was also perfectly understandable to Logan, that Kendall was annoyed at him. He had scared him. That wasn't very nice. Again, Logan knew he should say something. Finally, one word made its way past his lips. "Watch." He whispered as he raised a shaking hand to his head. His hand was shaking so badly that it was a wonder Logan didn't poke his eye out with the comb. He ran the teeth through his hair again and watched again as the hair, his hair, floated to the floor. It didn't really seem like his hair. It looked out of place on the floor. Wasn't it supposed to be on his head? No, because Logan had cancer. It really was logical. It made sense.

"I was wondering if this would happen." His own voice made him jump. He turned to look at Kendall, who was watching him in disbelief. "My hair. Falling out I mean." The dead tone of his voice scared Logan a little. He sounded like a robot. "It's probably the most common side-effect of chemotherapy next to fatigue. I don't really know why it happens. I forget. I learned why and then I forgot. When did I do that paper, Kendall? I don't even remember that. It was when we still lived in Minnesota, right?"

Kendall couldn't think, move, or speak. He stared at the black hairs on the bathroom floor. It was a white floor so the hairs stood out even more. He dimly heard Logan rambling on and on about _something_ but he couldn't process the noise that was coming from his friend into words. He looked up at Logan who was looking at him. No, Logan wasn't looking at him. Kendall wondered if Logan knew he was even there. It was like he was looking _through_ him. _"Do something!"_ A voice in his head screamed. But Kendall couldn't obey for some reason. All he could do was stare at Logan.

"Boys?" Mrs. Knight and Carlos had fallen silent when they heard Kendall's raised voice. Kendall rarely yelled and though they couldn't quite make out what he was saying, they knew something was wrong. But nothing could have prepared them for the scene before them as they reached the bathroom door. Kendall was holding onto the door jamb so hard that his knuckles were white. For some reason, Mrs. Knight had taken in her biological son's expression first. Shock. That was all that was there. Then she heard Carlos gasp and whimper Logan's name as he slid to the floor. She looked down to see him on his hands and knees gathering something into a tight fist. Hair.

Her hand flew to her mouth and her eyes found Logan. The teenager was clutching a comb in a shaking hand while the other hand held onto the bathroom sink as if for his life. His brown eyes moved wildly from her, to Kendall, to Carlos, to the comb, and back again. It occurred to her that he was scared out of his mind. Her motherly instincts kicked in and she moved to the boy and pulled him gently out of the room, away from what he was losing. Once they were in the family room, she sat down on the couch and drew him into her embrace. He was shaking and limp in her arms. The comb dangled loosely from his fingertips and she carefully took it and set it aside. "Shhh." She murmured gently. "I'm here, Logan."

* * *

"I look like a freak." Logan stared back at the reflection in the mirror. It didn't even look like him. Maybe some weird, alien version of him, but not the real him. He ran a hand over his smooth head, feeling the absence of something he rarely ever bothered noticing before.

James was perched on Logan's bed watching his friend worriedly. He had woken from a sound sleep to Katie screaming. Seeing the rest of the beds empty, he scrambled to his feet in a panic and ran toward the source of the scream. He came to a dead halt in front of the bathroom. Katie and Kendall were standing next to each other in frozen positions. Carlos. . . James' breath caught in his throat. Carlos was on his hands and knees gathering strands of black hair together whispering over and over again something that James couldn't make out.

"_Logan."_ It was obviously Logan. His hair was falling out. James marveled at how calm he still was. He had always expected to freak out when Logan started loosing his hair. He thought it would make everything seem so much more real. But he found himself taking the whole thing in stride. He left the bathroom and peaked into the family room. Mrs. Knight was holding a shaking Logan in her arms. She was gently rubbing his back and murmuring gently to him. Logan was in good hands. He walked back to the bathroom where Katie and Kendall were still standing there wordlessly. They were obviously not okay but they were also not the ones who needed James' attention.

"Carlos." He said gently, kneeling down besides his friend. He felt slightly sick at the sight of Logan's hair in Carlos' hands. It wasn't even a lot. But Carlos was continually dropping what he held and gathering it back up again. He sowed no sign of hearing James' voice. "Carlos." James repeated louder this time. He grabbed Carlos' wrists and forced the younger boy to look at him.

"I have to. . . Logan's hair. It needs to-" Carlos didn't know what he was saying himself. It was an endless babble of confused words that was supposed to make one complete sentence so it made sense. But since nothing ever made sense anymore he wasn't surprising himself.

"Carlos." James said for the third time. "Stop it." And then he told the biggest lie he ever had in his entire life. "It's going to be okay." He felt a stab of guilt for lying to his best friend bu it was worth it when Carlos finally stopped talking and really looked at him. It was worth it when Carlos let James hug him and he cried.

It was hard to believe that all that had happened in the same day. Mrs. Knight had called the hospital but they assured her that Logan was simply experiencing a side-effect of the chemo and that he would probably be most comfortable if he stayed at Palm Woods. This had been a small comfort to James who didn't want to have to give Logan back to the doctors right after they had gotten him back.

But Logan was inconsolable. He pleaded and begged until Mrs. Knight finally gave in and tearfully shaved his head. James saw the reason in Logan's request. He was going to lose all of his hair anyway. It made perfect sense that he just wanted to get it over with. The boys and Katie watched silently, transfixed, as a small pile of black hair had gathered around the bathroom sink. Logan had remained steadfast the entire time but as soon as it was over he had retreated to his room.

Now James sat with Carlos and Kendall as they watched Logan. No one could ever accuse Logan of being vain. But it was painful to see him so aware of his appearance. It was so unlike Logan. And yet, who could blame him?

"Logan, you don't look like a freak." Carlos disagreed gently. He sat cross legged on Logan's floor. He was vaguely aware of the fact that James was staring at him when he wasn't staring at Logan. He knew he had scared his friend that morning. But when he saw what had happened to Logan it was like he spaced out and he couldn't think of anything. For some reason all he could think of wasn't giving Logan his hair back. As if the solution were that simple.

"How can you say that, Carlos?" Logan finally turned away from the mirror to face his friend. His eyes were begging Carlos for the truth. "I have no hair." He said it slowly and loudly like Carlos was having trouble understanding what was going on.

"So?" James broke in. "Hair isn't everything." But as he spoke, his fingers were running self-consciously through his own hair.

"Yeah." Kendall spoke for the first time in what seemed like ages. The three boys jumped, forgetting he had been there all along. He pried himself loose from the desk chair by the window and walked over to Logan. He felt like he was moving through water. "Logan, sit down." As he spoke he maneuvered his friend to the bed and gently forced him next to James. "It's just hair, Logan. It doesn't really mater that much in the end."

"I know that." Logan looked ashamed. "But still. . ." His hand moved to his head then fell back into his lap. "I mean, I knew it was probably going to happen. I thought I would be prepared-"

"Logan, you can't _prepare_ for something like this." Carlos said shakily. "It's not a math test or a stupid vacation. It's. . ." He swallowed hard. "It's cancer, Logan. It doesn't have rules or guidelines to follow that make it easier."

"But it's just hair." Logan said with a sigh. "It shouldn't matter this much to me. I've never cared about it before."

"Then what are you really afraid of?" Carlos asked with the utmost patience.

Logan chewed on his bottom lip. "I don't want anyone to see me like this. They'll just feel sorry for me." He admitted in a rush. "And I hate that."

"So what you're saying is that you won't go sit by the pool with us today?" James propped himself up on his elbows, ignoring the death glares from Kendall and Carlos.

Logan laughed bitterly. "Hardly. You guys couldn't drag me down there right now."

"We're not going to." Kendall assured him. "Right, James?"

James shrugged. "Yeah sure. But Logan, if you still did have your hair, would you come down to the pool with us?"

"Maybe." Logan mimicked James' shrug. "I don't know. People would still look at me funny. You saw everyone yesterday."

James frowned at the memory. Logan's self-esteem had taken a worse beating than he had originally thought. He smoothed his hair thoughtfully. He pulled his lucky comb out and stared hard at it. _"Hair isn't everything." _His own words echoed in his mind. He had always considered himself good-looking. The best looking of the group in fact. They all had. And he had always considered his hair as his best feature. But everything was so impossibly different now.

"James?" Carlos repeated for the third time. His friend finally looked away from his lucky comb. He blushed and shoved the comb into his jeans pocket and then waited for Carlos to go on. "Why all the questions?"

"I just. . . I think Logan needs to get out." James said honestly. "Did the doctors say he should spend some time in the sun?" He sighed in relief when Carlos and Kendall nodded. "Right. Anyway, so now that he's home I think he should-"

"James." Logan interrupted. "There's no way I'm going out there right now."

"Why?"

Logan threw his hands up in the air. "You're kidding, right? Why? Well, James it's like this. I have cancer. People tend to look funny at you and feel sorry for you. Like I said before, I hate that. Second, I have no hair in case you didn't notice. So even if there were some people who didn't already know about my cancer, they'll definitely know."

"Logan, you've never cared about what people think of you before. Not really. Not complete strangers at least." James knew that Carlos and Kendall were ready to kill him but he couldn't stop.

"All right fine!" Logan said in exasperation. "It's Camille, okay? I can't let her see me like this. Her dad died of AML, did you guys know that? Do you know how much it hurts her to see me? Every time she came to the hospital I could see how much it was hurting her. And this." He pointed to his head. "This is just another reminder of what she lost. But you can't understand that can you James? You still have Julie who is perfectly normal as far as we know. And you still have your perfect hair. You don't understand. You can't."

He regretted the words the instant he spoke them. He wanted to take them back and at least rephrase them someone so they sounded less harsh. But it was too late. He saw the hurt in James' eyes. He knew his friend hadn't been trying to hurt him. He just wanted what was best for Logan. And Logan had turned his words around and made James sound terrible. "James. . ." He began as James stood wordlessly. He and Carlos and Kendall watched as James left the room.

"Great." Logan groaned and dropped his head into his hands. "I can't do anything right anymore."

"Logan, don't be so hard on yourself." Carlos gently scolded. "It no one's fault. Give James a few minutes to cool down on his own. Then go talk to him. He'll listen."

"I know." Logan said miserably. "I just feel like such an idiot. A freaky idiot at that."

"Nobody's perfect." Kendall said softly.

Logan opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by the sound of a razor coming from the bathroom.

**A/N. Seriously. Anyone? It's lonely down here. At least toss me down a box of tissues. I ran out again.**


	30. Thankful

**A/N. Thanks to BlackPaintedNails616171, raindropsX, Zili, and Ammy14k for joining me in the Palm Woods wishing well. Thanks also to falling-in-the-black for the twelve packs of tissues. They were much appreciated. All right. I still don't own anything so read on.**

At first they were all so shocked that nobody moved. They sat frozen as they listened to the razor in the bathroom and what it meant. Then Logan was on his feet and stumbling to the bathroom with Carlos and Kendall close behind him. When he reached the door, Logan stopped so suddenly that Kendall ran right into him. Automatically, Kendall reached out and steadied him but Logan didn't even seem to notice.

James ran the razor over his head in one smooth motion. He was almost amazed at hoe steady his hand was. He would have never expected it to be so easy. Dimly he heard Logan saying something but he couldn't bring himself to look at his friend.

"James, please stop." Logan begged shakily. James shook his head and almost laughed at the absurd plea. Stop now when he looked like someone had cut his hair while he was sleeping as a prank? He risked a glance over at his friends. Carlos and Kendall were shocked into silence. Logan had gone completely white and his expression was filled with so much sadness that James looked quickly away.

"It's okay, Logan." He said softly. He switched off the razor so he didn't feel like he had to yell and set it down on the counter.

Logan shook his head violently and James felt his smile slipping. Logan was _crying_. "But James, your hair-"

"It's just hair." James interrupted. "It's just hair." He repeated. "It doesn't matter. It'll grow back." He swallowed past the lump in his throat and blinked back tears of his own. "Hair is replaceable." He glanced down at the few hairs in the sink. "And you're not, Logan."

"But if I hadn't said anything. . . you didn't have to do that, James. It's my fault." Logan said miserably.

James slammed down the razor with a loud bang that made everyone jump. "What do you have to do that, Logan? Why do you always have to blame yourself for everything? Do you actually _look_ for things to blame yourself on? What the heck is wrong with you?" He didn't even realize that he was shouting until he was finished and everyone was just staring at him.

"I. . . I don't know." Logan stammered out. "I'm sorry."

James closed his eyes and sighed. "Don't apologize, Logan." He whispered. "None of this is your fault. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for." He looked back at Logan. "I'm doing this because I want to. Nobody made me. I'm doing it for you. I promised you that you wouldn't be alone and this is just part of me keeping that promise."

"But don't you think that's a little extreme?" Logan asked, still hesitantly.

"Extreme?" This time, James couldn't help but laugh. "You know me. I always have to go all out when I do something."

"What about your parents?" Logan asked because Logan _would _bring parents into everything. "And what about Julie?"

"My parents?" James raised an eyebrow. "Well I think my dad would take one look at me and then shave the rest of my hair off himself. And my mom would. . . well we don't trust her with electronic devices so I wouldn't let her near me. But the point is they would understand. They know I'd do anything for you guys." He smiled. "As for Julie. . . what about her?" James smile disappeared and he frowned seriously. "Logan I've know her for what, a month? And I've known you for twelve years. If she can't understand that then it wouldn't hurt me at all if I never saw her again." James shook his head. "And now you have me sounding like such a girl."

Finally, a smile tugged at the corners of Logan's mouth. "You always sound like a girl though." He tried to joke. "James, I don't even know what to say."

James shrugged and picked the razor back up. "Well." He said slowly. "Most people know by now that you don't always have to say something, Logan. However, since you're so intent on saying _something_, _anything_ or that matter, I suppose "thanks you" would do. If you absolutely must that is."

"Thank you." Logan said even though all four of them knew that James had been joking. The two words were so sincere that James' eyes filled yet again and he wondered if he could ever go a day without that happening. He nodded in response and turned the razor on.

The four boys watched in complete silence as locks of James hair fell to the floor, collecting in a silky brown pile. James finished and set the razor aside. He then calmly surveyed himself in the mirror. "Not bad. Not bad at all." He turned to grin at them. "In fact, I have just one question, boys. Who is that handsome devil in the mirror?" He rubbed his head thoughtfully. "Isn't it supposed to be good luck if you rub a bald man's head?"

"That's it." Carlos said suddenly. He gently pushed past Kendall and Logan to stand next to James in front of the mirror. "I'm getting jealous of James and all his good luck. Besides, I think he's having a little too much fun." He picked up the razor.

"Carlos, not you too!" Logan's smile vanished as he stepped forward and tried to take the razor away from Carlos.

"Shhh." Carlos scolded. He held the razor just out of Logan's reach. "You talk too much sometimes, Logan. Let me have my fun okay?"

"Me next." Kendall said, joining the small crowd in front of the mirror.

"Kendall, no!" Logan protested, looking absolutely appalled at the thought of all of his friends with shaved heads.

"Why not?" Kendall asked, surprised. "And Logan, if you say anything about Jo or my family. . .  
He shook his head. "Just don't. It a non-issue."

"A non-issue?" Logan looked disappointed that his argument was already shot down. "What about. . . your eyebrows?" He blurted out before he could stop himself. When the words came out he clapped his hands over his mouth, his eyes wide.

Immediately, James and Carlos started laughing. It wasn't anything close to the uncontrollable laughter that all four of them used to go into but it was the most any of them had laughed in weeks. Kendall looked confused and bewildered at the same time while Logan simply looked mortified.

"What was that supposed to mean?" Kendall finally asked, unable to think of anything else to say.

"I don't even know!" Logan exclaimed honestly. "It just sorta came out of my mouth on its own." He added sheepishly.

Kendall laughed then. "Well I think Logan's half-insult qualifies me as next." He said, taking the razor from Carlos.

"Why do I always have to be last?" Carlos whined. He folded his arms across his chest and pouted.

"Because you're the youngest. Obviously." Kendall grinned.

"Come on guys you really don't have to do this." Logan said,

"Logan." Kendall said with all the patience in the world. "James said it perfectly a while ago. He wasn't the only one who promised you that you wouldn't be alone. _We _promised. As in all three of us."

They all looked like idiots. Logan watched as Kendall and James picked Carlos up by his wrists and legs and swung him into the pool. He smiled when they reached out to help him out only to be pulled in themselves.

They were alone. As soon as they had appeared, the pool, which had been full of people, had emptied. It was as if cancer was contagious. They had climbed out of the pool, wrapped towels around them, gathered their stuff together, and rushed off back to their rooms without even looking at any of the boys.

Kendall and James and Carlos scowled at the backs of those retreating while Logan looked down at his feet. He didn't want to spoil everyone's fun but Kendall pointed out as they found a spot for Logan, that no one was forcing them to leave.

He had to admit that it was amazing to be outside. The weather was beyond beautiful. The sun was shinning but there was a gentle breeze every so often to keep Logan from ever getting too hot. He only wished that he could join his friends in the pool. But even though he hadn't admitted it, the short walk from 2J had tired Logan and he was perfectly comfortable in the lounge chair.

James climbed out of the pool and plopped down besides Logan. "Hey. You okay?"

"I'm great." Logan resisted the urge to add that he would be even better if he could go longer than an hour without someone asking him that question. He would be doing the same thing if one of his friends were in his place. He shuddered at the awful thought.

"Are you cold?" James' question was perfectly reasonable. He eyed Logan in concern.

"No." Logan shook his head. "I'm fine." He kept his eyes on Carlos and Kendall trying to avoid further questioning. It didn't work.

"Something's bothering you." James the Mind Reader. When had his friend turned into such a psychic?

"I was just thinking." Logan said slowly. He flipped through a random magazine that someone had left on the table. When he realized that it was clearly a woman's magazine, he blushed and set it back where he found it. He felt James staring at him.

"What were you thinking about?" James was persistent. He always was. The four of them were probably the four most stubborn people in the world which made for some incredible times of dragging things out of one another. When one didn't want to talk about something and the other three felt like it had to be talked about, they could sit in silence for hours while they waited for someone to give up.

It wasn't really that big of a deal. But Logan knew that it would upset his friends. So he lied. Or tried to. "I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have you three as my best friends. It wasn't even a complete lie. But James saw right through it anyway.

"Oh yeah?"

Kendall and Carlos picked that moment to notice that James and Logan were having a serious conversation so they climbed out and sat by to wait. Kendall looked absolutely ridiculous with his shaved head and his bushy eyebrows. Carlos would have looked comical if he didn't have such a concerned expression on his face. James. . . Logan was trying not to think about James too much. They all looked so different without their hair but James without the object of his self-pride looked like someone else. They all did. They were all so serious now. There were the rare moments when Logan would see a glimpse of the old James, or the old Kendall, or the old Carlos. There were brief moments in time when all four of them forgot that anything was wrong. But they were so few and far in between.

He was so tired of everything. So tired of being treated like he was so fragile that the slightest touch would break him into a million pieces. He was so tired of them constantly asking him if he was okay or if he needed anything. It was like they thought he was too weak to take care of himself. And he was so tired of everyone else avoiding him. Still. It made sense if he put himself in their shoes.

Logan looked up to see his friends watching him patiently. They all looked like idiots. All four of them. But they were his best friends and he was so thankful for them and he way things were. "I was just thinking." He repeated. "I'm really thankful that I'm the one who is sick."

**A/N. Sorry for the longish wait. The Angst Monster is now throwing plot bunnies down the well and I'm having trouble focusing on this story. Also, I've been busy and I'm really tired. But I finally got this one done. I hope you like it! Carpe Diem!**


	31. Truths

**A/N. Hey guess what! OneManWritingGames and XeroPrime have both joined in the wishing well party! YAY! Also, apparently XeroPrime has an endless supply of tissues just for me so we should be set. Maybe. We'll see. Read on. I don't own anything.**

Logan sat in an uncomfortable silence as he waited for one of his friends to respond. So far they had been silent for nearly two minutes according to his watch. The other noises around Palm Woods became unusually loud. The maintenance man was way off in the background but Logan could still hear his chainsaw buzzing. Mr. Bitters was having an argument with someone on the phone. He could even hear the Jenifers rehearsing their scripts. He cleared his throat as if that might encourage someone to speak up.

"Why?" Finally Carlos found his voice. He looked at Logan in genuine confusion. James and Kendall were staring wordlessly at their shoes.

"_Way to ruin a perfectly good day."_ Logan silently chastised himself. He sighed and wished that he could have just kept his thoughts to himself for once. "Because." He began slowly. "It makes the most sense."

Carlos was shaking his head. "No Logan, it doesn't" He argued. "None of this makes sense."

"Yes it does." Logan insisted. "I mean, more sense than it would if. . . you know." He paused for a moment trying to think of how to put his thoughts into words. It made sense in his head. "It makes sense that I'm the one who's sick. See, I. . . don't really have a real family." He winced inwardly at the hurt that flashed in Kendall's eyes. "I mean, I know that I have you guys." He assured them softly. "But my mom is dead and my dad is. . ." He searched for an accurate description. "Gone. You guys have your real families. Carlos, you have your parents and _five_ little sisters. Not to mention hundreds of other relatives. James, you're all your parents have. And Kendall, you have your parents and Katie. You all have people who would miss you if. . . you know."

"We would miss you." Carlos said quietly. "We'd miss you a lot, Logan. And not just the three of us. Our families, our friends here and our friends back in Minnesota. You're more than our best friend, Logan. You and Kendall may be "official." brothers." Carlos emphasized the word with his fingers. "But I've never considered any of you anything less. I never had five little sisters. I always had five little sisters and three brothers." James and Kendall nodded in agreement. "I guess what I'm trying to say is. . ." Carlos was silent for a little while. When he finally looked back up at Logan and spoke there were tears in his brown eyes. "Logan, do you really not care if you live or die?" The question that had been nagging at him for weeks finally came to the surface a lot more gently than he had actually been thinking.

Logan frowned. "Carlos, of course I'd rather live." He said gently. "I don't want to die." As he said those words, the nagging memory of his brief suicidal moment came back. He shook his head as if to chase it away. "I don't want to die." He repeated softly. "Especially not like this. I keep thinking of all I've read about cancer and it scares me. Dying itself really doesn't scare me. It's how I'll die that scares me. And I don't want to die like this. I'm afraid of what I'll leave behind too. And what I'll miss." He took a deep breath and stopped before he upset his friends further. "But I'd much rather die than watch any of you. . ." He trailed off, unwilling to finish the thought.

"I guess that's how we all feel." Kendall said honestly. "Because Logan, if I could switch places with you, I'd do it in a second." James and Carlos nodded.

"But Kendall, that's be stupid." Logan protested. "Like I said, you guys would be leaving so much more than I would. I mean, you'd be okay without me. Eventually. But it's be harder on your families if it were one of you. Do you understand?"

"I guess I do." James said reluctantly. "But I don't really agree. Logan, what bothers me is how much you underestimate what you mean to everyone else. People really do care about you and love you. We don't want you to be sick like this and you don't want you to die anytime soon." He forced a laugh. "I mean, come on. I've always imagined the four of us winding up in some nursing home sixty years from now. We'd still be watching hockey and probably having wheelchair races down the hallways. It wouldn't be as much fun with only three of us."

"I might not die though." Logan said encouragingly. "People beat cancer all the time." His words fell flat though because his tone was unconvincing. Then he shrugged. "Anyway, we're all dying." He forced a smile. "I'm just better at it than you guys."

"That's not funny." Kendall whispered.

"I know." Logan's smile fell. "I'm sorry. I just don't know what else to say."

The four of them sat in silence. A cool breeze whipped around them, making the water lap at the edges of the pool. Logan shivered and Kendall stood up quickly. "Let's go in. It's gotten a lot cooler." He offered Logan a hand up who took it gratefully. Carlos and James followed them back to 2J.

When they opened the door, Logan suddenly wished he could that the floor would open up and swallow him whole. Camille, Jo, Stephanie, and even Julie, were at the kitchen counter talking with Mrs. Knight and Katie. As soon as they walked in, all six pairs of eyes immediately gravitated to the four boys and widened in shock.

Kendall smiled easily and walked up to his mother. "Hi, Mom." He said innocently. He kissed Mrs. Knight on the cheek and ruffled Katie's hair. "Jo! You're here too! Hi girls!"

Julie was the first one to react. She broke into a big smile. "Hey, guys!" She waved at them from her stool. "What's up?" The boys relaxed a little. At least Julie wouldn't freak out. But then, she was probably so used to seeing people with shaved heads that she could recover quicker. "I like the new look!"

James grinned then and joined the girls and Kendall in the kitchen. "Thanks, Jules." He said. "Me too!" He shook his head dramatically. "I feel so much. . . lighter!"

Carlos pasted on a smile and tried to forget the conversation he and his friends had just had. It had ended abruptly and he knew that eventually they would probably pick it back up again. But right now James and Kendall were pretending that everything was more or less fine and he intended to help keep the act going. He grabbed Logan's arm and dragged him into the kitchen with him because he had a ridiculous fear that somehow he would loses Logan if he let him out of his sight for too long. Because Logan was irritatingly in tune to his feelings, probably because they had known each other for so long since they could all read each other the same way, Carlos sensed his friend giving him a pointed look as if he absolutely knew what was up. But Logan, being Logan, played along as best as he could.

"Hey, everyone." Logan said self-consciously. He forced himself to meet their concerned gazes with a smile. Camille was the most difficult. She was clearly struggling to hide her tears. But she was stronger than Logan gave her credit because it was only a matter of seconds before she walked up to him.

"Hi, Logan." She said softly. "How are you?"

He shrugged, feeling all eyes on him. "I'm okay. We were just out by the pool." He shifted uncomfortably. "When did everyone get here?"

"About fifteen minutes ago." Camille was studying him with a critical eye. She obviously sensed his discomfort because she smiled broadly. "Anyway, I stopped by to see if you wanted to hang out for a little while."

Logan smiled and nodded in relief. "Yeah sure. We can go hang out in the lobby if you want." He glanced up at the others uncertainty and smiled again when they nodded their heads encouragingly. He took Camille's hand and they walked off together.

It wasn't too hard to find a quiet place in the lobby. Like they had when the boys cam down to the pool, everyone simply scattered as if they suddenly had important business to attend to. Logan kept his head down in embarrassment while Camille simply glared at them in disgust.

"So." She said as they sank down together. "How are you really?" She looked at him closely. She would never forget how her father had gone from an energetic man to someone who slept nearly all day. Logan looked both physically and emotionally worn out. She had seen the boys when they all walked in. After she got over her shock at the sight of all four of them without their hair, she had noticed how they all looked emotionally worn out and she knew that they had probably had been talking about something serious. But they had all put on brave masks in front of the girls and Mrs. Knight. Camille doubted she had been the only one to see through their charade.

Logan looked down at his hands. "I'm okay." He repeated. "Just tired I guess."

Camille believed him for the most part. But there was something else that was bothering him deeply. She leaned in closer and gently forced him to look at her. "Are you okay?" She asked, her words meaning something more than just wondering how he felt physically.

He shook his head reluctantly. "Not really." He admitted.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Camille knew how the cancer had affected her father's emotional state. She knew that he hid his fears for her own sake as well as her mother's. She knew that she shouldn't pry if Logan didn't want to talk. So she waited patiently.

"I'm worried." Logan admitted.

"About?"

"About my friends." He twisted his hands in his lap. "They're so scared right now. It's weird seeing them like this. They act like I'll break at any time. Or that I'll disappear. I'm worried about what might happen if I. . ." He trailed off and stared unseeingly at the fish tank across the room. "You know."

"You can't really blame them can you?" Camille asked softly. "I know exactly how they feel."

Logan looked apologetic. "I'm sorry Camille. We can talk about something else if you want. It must be hard for you."

"It is." She agreed. "Especially if I know exactly what's going on." She peered at him in concern. "Are you in pain?" She asked unsure if she wanted to hear the answer.

Logan looked startled for a minute. Then he nodded slowly. "Yeah. It's the chemo. Or. . . I guess you already know that."

Camille looked sadly at him. "Do they know?"

Logan shook his head. "No. They have enough to worry about as it is. And it's not like they can really do anything for me. It happens. So why let them know when it will only hurt them more?"

Camille dropped her gaze. "That's what my dad was like." She whispered. "He always wanted to protect us as much as he could." She brushed at her eyes and faced Logan once more. "You're a lot like my dad. He was shy around women except for my mom, he was always really humble even though he was super talented at everything he did, and he was always protective even when he was the one who need to be protected. He was just a really unselfish person."

"I don't think I'm that great." Logan blushed and fiddled awkwardly with his fingers.

Camille couldn't help but laugh. "That's what makes you so great, Logan. You have no idea how special you are. To Mrs. Knight. To the guys. And to me." It was her turn to blush as she finished but Logan blushed again anyway.

They were perfectly quiet for a few minutes before Logan finally cleared his throat. "Camille, can I ask you something? Like a favor?"

"Or course." Camille nodded instantly.

"I'm just not sure how to ask you this." Logan paused, thoughtfully. "Will you. . . Camille, if something happens to me, will you look after everyone for me?"

Tears came to Camille's eyes and she nodded. "Of course I will, Logan."

**A/N. I am so sorry that the last two chapters have been short AND that you've had to wait for them. I'm either busy, or really tired, or suffering from Writer's Block lately so yeah. That's my excuse. Anyway, thanks so much for all of your support. I hope you continue to read and review!**


	32. Effects

**A/N. I just want you all to know that me and my friends are having a great time down here in the Palm Woods wishing well. Social gathering! YAHOO! Oh, yeah and angst warning here. Stupid Angst Monster. I don't own anything. If I did, do you really think it would be on Nick? Heck no! Anyway, read on.**

"What's taking so long?" Kendall paced back and forth across the floor of the hospital waiting room. He glanced anxiously at his watch. "It's never taken this long before." He and James and Carlos had taken Logan to the hospital for a routine check-up and another round of chemotherapy. But they had been waiting for nearly two hours when it had never taken more than an hour and a half before.

Carlos was sitting uncomfortably in a chair. His eyes darted around the room constantly in search of anyone who might be able to help them. He left leg bounced up and down nervously and his helmet was clutched tightly in both hands while his fingers played absentmindedly played with the strap.

James was sitting absolutely stone still. His gaze was riveted to the doors where they had last seen Logan, and his hands gripped his knees so hard his knuckles were white.

"Excuse me." Kendall's voice stopped Carlos' nervous fidgeting and tore James' gaze away from the doors at the same time. A middle-aged nurse had just dropped off a load of paper work at the front desk and was about to walk away when Kendall called her over.

"Hello boys, is there something I can help you with?" The woman smiled and brushed a strand of graying brown hair behind her ear.

Kendall's initial boldness faded and he hesitated for a brief moment before going on. "Um, yeah I hope so. See, our best friend came here a while ago for a check-up and a chemo treatment and it's been a while." He rubbed the back of his neck, a gesture he had unconsciously picked up from Logan. "I was hoping you could maybe find out how much longer he'll be back there."

"What's your friend's name?"

"Logan Mitchell." Kendall shifted his weight from one foot to the other and watched as the nurse wrote a note on her clipboard.

"Logan Mitchell." She repeated. "All right. I'm Katie Smith by the way." The boys introduced themselves and shook her hand. "So, I'll go take a quick look in the cancer ward to see if I can find anything out about your friend. I'll be back as soon as I get any information." She offered the worried boys an encouraging smile before walking away.

"Thank you." Kendall called after her. He watched until she disappeared through the doors and then resumed his pacing. James went back to staring at the doors while Carlos' leg picked up speed.

Another half-hour crept by before Nurse Smith returned. But this time, she wasn't alone. An older man was with her and the pair strolled up to the three boys. He introduced himself as Neil Stevens. "You said you were wondering about your friend, Logan Mitchell?" He asked after shaking their hands.

Kendall felt his stomach twist in fear and he nodded mutely.

Doctor Stevens pursed his lips and frowned. "Is there an adult with you boys?"

"N-no." James stammered. The color drained from his face and he stood up. "Where's Doctor Walsh? He's Logan's doctor."

"Doctor Walsh is on sick leave at the moment." Doctor Stevens informed them.

"What's wrong with Logan." Carlos demanded, his voice shaking.

"He's better now." The doctor informed them noncommittally.

"What do you mean _now_?" Kendall finally found his voice. He tried unsuccessfully to ignore the rising panic by focusing his gaze on the strange doctor's tie. It looked like something he would find in his grandparents' attic.

Nurse Smith stepped forward and smiled gently. "Boys, sit down for a minute okay?" The boys obeyed her command automatically and waited for her to continue. "How much do you know about Logan's treatment?"

"Well, it's chemotherapy." Kendall said slowly. "It's supposed to be like, helping him isn't it?" He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. "Um, we know that it makes him really tired and. . ." He swallowed hard. "His hair fell out." He said softly. His hand reached up and touched the hat that sat on his own shaved head.

"Chemotherapy does help cancer patients more than any other treatment option." Nurse Smith told them. "However." She added ominously. "There are numerous side effects. Some of them you've already named, Kendall. Like, fatigue and hair loss." She smiled slightly at the three boys. "I see that Logan has a lot of support from you." She cleared her throat and went on with her explanation. "Another extremely common side-effect from chemo is severe nausea."

"Logan's sick?" James' voice cracked. He sucked in a breath of air and waited for the nurse to continue.

She nodded and pushed her black glasses up her nose. "I'm afraid so. In fact, since this is his first experience with the nausea, it'd be best if we kept him at least over night."

"Over night?" Carlos repeated, suddenly feeling dizzy. He shook his head. "But. . . he just got home." He protested lamely. "I mean, he's only been home for two weeks." He dropped his head down into his hands to stop the spinning. Everything was happening so suddenly lately. The first couple of months after Logan's diagnosis had been relatively uneventful. And now everything was happening all at once.

James put a hand on Carlos' shoulder. "How is he now?" He asked hoarsely. He had heard the doctor say that Logan was better but he needed confirmation. "Can we see him?"

Nurse Smith nodded. "Of course. Why don't we-"

"Nurse, I think that we should talk to an adult first. Namely the one in charge of Logan." Doctor Stevens interrupted. He glanced down at his notes. "It says here that Logan was recently adopted?"

"Yes." Kendall's voice was sharp in annoyance. "By my mother. He's my brother. And these two." He motioned at Carlos and James. "Are his brothers as much as I am. We've known each other for twelve years."

The doctor seemed unmoved. "Regardless, I believe that this situation calls for whoever has legal custody of the patient to be present."

"And why would that be?" Kendall asked, refusing to back down.

"Well, I would prefer to discuss this situation with someone a bit more. . . mature-"

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Kendall snapped. "Listen to me okay? I know I'm just a _teenager_ and I can't _understand_ a whole lot. But I'm not stupid. Logan is my friend. And my brother. I know that he's sick and dying, okay? I get that. And I hate it. But there's nothing I can do about it. If there was then I'd do it now. Instead I have to deal with an idiot like you who thinks we're not mature enough to deal with whatever you have to say. In the last two months do you know what's happened? I've watched my best friend get diagnosed with this freaking cancer and then his good for nothing dad decided he didn't want any part of this so he _left _Logan. He _left _him. Do you have any idea what it's like to watch your friend fall apart because his father abandoned him? Do you have any feelings at all?" Kendall was screaming by now and tears were rolling down his cheeks unchecked. He finally stopped when Carlos and James tugged him away. He yanked out of their grips and stumbled outside. He leaned up against the building and struggled to regain control of himself.

It was raining outside. Kendall was getting soaked but he didn't really care. He felt himself shaking with anger and fear as he watched people walk in and out, everyone giving him a curious glance as they passed. James and Carlos walked out soon. Carlos conveniently held an umbrella and he opened it and held it over them. "Hey." He said softly. "You okay?"

Kendall shook his head miserably. "No. I can't be okay." He knew that Carlos and James felt the same way. "I'm scared and worried about Logan and that doctor is a jerk." He thumped the wall of the hospital.

"He's inside calling your mom." James awkwardly shoved a box of tissues into Kendall's hands. He offered his friend a lopsided grin. "He's not a happy dude. But I think you've got Nurse Smith on your side."

Kendall scowled. "He's a jerk." He said again. "Why won't he let us see Logan?"

Carlos shrugged. "I don't know, man." He answered sadly. "Hospital protocol maybe." He said the words like they were a curse.

"Whatever happened to screwing it?" James asked.

Carlos smiled bitterly. "I got tired of it constantly being thrown in my face."

Suddenly, they were joined by Nurse Smith. Carlos leaned the umbrella so that it completely covered the woman. She smiled gratefully. "You can see Logan now if you want." She told them.

"Really?" Carlos closed the umbrella and soaked them all in the process. "Sorry." He bounded away eagerly. The others followed.

"Are you sure we're allowed?" Kendall couldn't help asking sarcastically. "Is it against hospital protocol?"

"Screw hospital protocol." Nurse Smith surprised them by saying. She rolled her eyes. "Doctor Stevens is probably the most unpopular doctor in the hospital. He's an ornery old man with no reason to be miserable. Your friend needs you. Stevens can talk to your mom when she gets here."

"Thank you." The three boys chorused gratefully. They followed the nurse to Logan's room where she left them at the door with an encouraging smile. Kendall knocked softly then opened the door.

Logan looked completely different than he had when they first got to the hospital. His face was sweaty and pale. He was laying on his side with his arms wrapped tightly around his thinning frame. His gaze flicked to the door when it opened and a ghost of a smile chased across his face. "Hi." He croaked out.

"Hey, buddy." James was the first to move from the doorway. He walked over to the bed and lacking a chair, dropped to his knees so that he was eye level with Logan. "How ya feeling?" His whispered. Tears clouded his sight as he took in Logan's awful appearance.

"Lousy." Logan whispered back. "Sorry I kept you guys waiting."

"No big deal." Kendall and Carlos joined James. "Are you feeling any better?" Carlos asked hopefully. His heart sank when Logan slowly shook his head.

"No. Not really."

"We would have been here sooner." Kendall told him, because he felt like he had to say _something_ even though he had no idea what. "But the doctor on duty wouldn't let us."

"Doctor Stevens. He's a Nazi." Logan surveyed his friends carefully. "Are _you_ guys okay?" He asked, knowing that they weren't despite whatever their answer would be. Kendall's eyes were bright with tears, James looked like he was going to fall apart at any second, and Carlos was uncharacteristically nervous. All three of them were damp from the rain outside.

Carlos was afraid for all of his friends especially Logan. But he couldn't help laughing a little at Logan's description of the doctor. "You should have seen Kendall take him on." He said proudly, as he nudged the older boy. "He pulled him down a few notches."

"I bet." Logan had to smile at that. "Kendall's pretty scary when he's mad." Suddenly, his smile vanished and he sat up and grabbed a plastic bucket at his side. He coughed a couple times before vomiting in the bucket, his entire body shaking with the effort.

Kendall slammed the button to signal for help in panic and watched with wide eyes as his friend continued to throw up. A nurse breezed in, took one look at the situation, and carefully eased herself down onto the bed next to Logan. She took the bucket from him and held it with one hand while the other stroked his back soothingly. When Logan had at last stopped, she set the bucket aside and pulled a tissue from the box on the night stand. Logan took it and with a trembling hand, wiped his mouth. Continuing as if it was the most natural thing in the world for someone to vomit up more than anyone thought they had in their body, the nurse then handed Logan a plastic cup of water. "'You're okay, sweetie." She murmured gently. "Just relax."

Logan sighed shakily and wiped his hand across his eyes. "Thank you." He whispered to the nurse. "I'm okay now."

She smiled and squeezed his shoulder gently. She made it look so easy. And she had probably just met Logan that very day. "Okay then. I'll go get you a new bucket." She gave the other three boys an comforting smile and then left.

Logan sighed again and lay back down. He met his friends' worried gazes reluctantly. "Sorry." He whispered.

Kendall stared at him. It was like Logan was disappearing before his eyes even as he watched.

**A/N. That wasn't angsty or anything. I watched 'My Sister's Keeper' for inspiration tonight. Yeah. All right, well I'll be in my Weeping Corner down the well if you need anything. Like, tissues. Reviews are love and keep this story going. . .**


	33. Anniversary

**A/N. I had the worst case of Writer's Block ever the other day. My creative brain died and not even a trip to the bookstore helped. Fortunately, I now have 'Dead Poets Society' and I watched it and. . . BOOM! Writer's Block was gone. So. . . here is chapter 33. I don't own anything. I am just married to Logan Henderson in my dreams. That's all. Read on!**

Kendall woke up sweating. He picked his head up from where it was smashed into the pillow and made a face. He was literally soaked in sweat. Why was it so hot? He kicked the covers off and stumbled out of bed into the kitchen. His mother was making coffee. "Why is it so hot?" Kendall asked. He glanced at the thermostat. It was ninety degrees inside their apartment.

"The air conditioner broke." Mrs. Knight swept a hand across her brow and poured herself a cup of coffee. Iced coffee. "Mr. Bitters is trying to get someone out as soon as possible but it's such late notice that he hasn't had an easy task." She nodded to the window where Kendall could hear voices coming from outside. "The pool is already crowded."

"What time is it?" Kendall yawned and glanced at the clock. He groaned. "Only 9:00 in the morning? Man, it's going to be a long day." He looked pleadingly at his mother. "Can I have some of that iced coffee?"

"Don't let Carlos see you drink it." Mrs. Knight warned as she gave her son a small cup. "The last thing that boy needs is caffeine."

Kendall laughed and nodded in agreement. He added a little cream and sugar to the cold drink and took an experimental sip. He smiled. Already he was feeling cooler.

Mrs. Knight set aside the coffee and looked at Kendall carefully. "How are you doing, honey?" She was used to see the occasional dark circles under James' and Logan's eyes. The two had never slept well. But Carlos and Kendall were solid sleepers. She often had difficulty waking them up when they needed to get ready for an early practice session. But that had all changed. Logan slept frequently now but he still looked constantly tired. The other boys it seemed were to afraid to sleep for very long and it was clearly taking a toll on everyone.

Kendall shrugged. "I'm okay. Just tired." He cupped the coffee between his hands and stared at the ice floating around. "I didn't sleep very well last night." He added.

She stroked his hair and Kendall leaned into the motherly gesture. "I didn't think you did." She said gently. She tipped his head so he was looking at her. "You don't look like you slept at all."

Kendall pulled away. "I did. A little."

"Are you feeling okay?" Mrs. Knight placed a hand on Kendall's forehead. It was a little warm but that was probably because of the awful heat.

This time Kendall pulled away quicker. What made moms think that they were walking thermometers? "I'm fine." He said a little sharper than was necessary. "I'm just tired." He felt bad for snapping at his mother but he knew that he wasn't sick or anything. And even if he did get sick it would just be some stupid cold. "Sorry." He muttered. He laid his cheek down on the counter top. The surface was cool and felt good. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm so proud of you." Mrs. Knight murmured softly, as she stroked Kendall's hair. It had been a little over a month since the boys had all shaved their heads and it was growing back rather nicely.

Kendall tried to laugh but it came out sounding like a half-sob. "Proud of me for what? For acting like a jerk?"

"No." Mrs. Knight shook her head. "I'm so proud of all of you for being so brave."

"Brave?" Kendall snorted. "I've never been so scared in my life."

"Being brave doesn't mean you're never afraid." Kendall looked up at his mother. "Being brave," she continued. "Means doing the right thing even when you are scared. You boys have been there with Logan every step of the way. You've all been so strong for him and for each other for that matter. You've always been there for one another. There are so many people you would have just crumbled under the enormous pressure. But the four of you have strengthened your friendship. That's true bravery."

"We would never think of leaving Logan." Kendall said firmly. "Not like that-" He caught the warning look from his mother and cut himself off. He sighed and rested his head in his hands. "I just don't want Logan to leave us." He whispered.

"Oh, Kendall." Mrs. Knight wrapped him in an embrace. Mothers were supposed to be real life super heroes. They were supposed to be able to chase away their children's nightmares with reassuring words. They were supposed to be able to put a band-aid on their children's hurts and kiss away the pain. But no parenting hand book ever mentioned what they were expected to do when the nightmares became real and when band-aids and kisses couldn't heal the injuries.

"I feel like we're losing him." Kendall finally admitted his fears aloud. "I feel like he's disappearing piece by piece right in front of us. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. I mean, I know I can't fix everything but. . ." He trailed off and was silent for a while. "I wish I could fix this more than anything. I wish I could make it never happen. Why Logan?"

Mothers are also supposed to have all the answers. But as Kendall looked up at her, his eyes begging for one, Mrs. Knight had none. The again, she did but it wasn't the one Kendall wanted, or needed, to hear. "I don't know." She finally said quietly. "But Kendall, you do know that you can't fix everything right?"

To her relief he nodded. "I know." He gave his mother a crooked grin. "Logan already told me that a while ago."

She smiled fondly. Logan would tell Kendall something like that. Even when he was as sick as he was he was still looking after the other boys. It struck her that Logan would make a great father one day. Mrs. Knight's smile faded. Logan might never live to have that chance.

"Mom?" Kendall was studying his mother intently. She seemed to be lost in thought. "Are _you_ okay?" It occurred to him just then, that he had never thought to ask her that question. The thought dismayed him. His mother was suffering just as much as anyone. And yet she suffered in silence so that she could help the others.

"I'm okay, Kendall." She said somewhat absentmindedly. "I was just thinking."

"About what?"

Mrs. Knight hesitated. She didn't want to tell Kendall that she was thinking about Logan dying. Lying was something mothers were supposed to encourage their children to avoid. But sometimes lying was practically necessary if you wanted to protect your children. So she told herself that she was just protecting Kendall when she answered him. "I was thinking about how lucky you four are to have each other.

* * *

It was impossibly hot outside. And inside for that matter. But when James had woken up completely drenched in his own sweat he felt a nearly uncontrollable need to go for a walk. It took some convincing. Mrs. Knight was concerned that he might actually pass out from the heat. But he felt restless and assured her that he wouldn't be gone long. He just needed to clear his head. He had walked to the nearest park. He was the only one there because everyone was either inside or, if their air conditioners were broken, at a pool or the ocean. He relished the silence. It was noisy at Palm Woods.

James gazed out at the placid lake deep in thought. He couldn't help thinking of the day he and Logan had gone fishing. Logan had saved his life. There wasn't a day that went by that James didn't think of that day. He remembered everything so clearly. The cold and scummy water. The fishing line wrapped tightly around his ankle. The tight feeling of panic in his chest and the black spots that swam in his vision right before he lost consciousness. He remembered Logan doing everything in his power to hold back tears. James had never seen his friend lose control of his emotions so much before. Logan took everything in stride. But if James had. . .

He shivered despite the heat. He had almost died that day. What would things be like if he had gone by himself or Logan didn't have the pocket knife with him? He wouldn't be standing in a park in the middle of a California heatwave. He wouldn't be in a boy band. He wouldn't be watching one of his best friends fight cancer.

Feeling slightly dizzy, James sank to the ground and rested his head on his knees. Logan was dying. The panic that he had felt while he was trapped at the bottom of the lake was nothing compared to this. He felt so helpless.

But Logan couldn't die. James couldn't imagine Logan dying. He couldn't imagine it being him, Carlos, and Kendall. He had tried to imagine it, as painful as it might be. But no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't picture life without Logan. It was a foreign concept. One that was just impossible to comprehend. And so that was why there was a huge part of James that was absolutely convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Logan was going to be okay. It was stupid of him. Which was why he hadn't really said anything to anyone. Nobody wanted Logan to die. But it was like they had all accepted that he might. James on the other hand was still in denial almost. There were brief moments when he actually forgot everything that had happened over the past several months. Only to see Logan and have all the fear crash back down on him.

It was like being at the beach in the ocean and being knocked over by a wave. The violent kind that wouldn't let you get back up. You were held under by the water and being spun around until you couldn't tell which way was up. And then when you finally made it to the surface you were dazed and out of breath as you stumbled to the shore where it was safe. Except this time, there was no shore.

"James?"

James lifted his head and squinted against the sun. Julie was there, watching him in concern.

"Are you okay?"

Her words meant something. He knew that. But James couldn't think through the fuzziness in his mind so he stared at her blankly. She disappeared from view and he wondered if he had simply imagined her. Maybe the heat really was affecting him and he was hallucinating. Just then his breath left him in shock as cold water was dumped over his head. He sputtered and coughed and looked back up to see Julie with an empty water bottle in her hand. She dropped down next to him.

"What are you doing out here without water?" She handed him another water bottle. "Drink." She ordered. "Do you realize that it's over 100 degrees out here?"

James took a swig of the water and let the refreshing liquid run down his throat before answering her. "I didn't think to bring water. I just wanted to get out. I knew it was how just not that hot. Thanks for the water." He raised the bottle. "Where did you get all the bottles?"

Julie nodded toward a car parked several yards away. "My car. In a cooler."

"Oh." James nodded. "So your one of those overly cautious people who always has water with you."

Julie rolled her eyes. "No, I'm one of those people who brings water wherever I go because I've lived in LA my whole life." She smirked. "Where as you are from Minnesota and probably drag along blankets wherever you go."

"Among other things." James sighed and laid down."

"Are you okay?" Julie asked in concern.

"I'm fine." James closed his eyes.

"How's Logan?"

He winced. She _would_ ask him that. "He's home." He told her in relief. "But he sleeps a lot and he's still really tired all the time. And he doesn't eat much and when he does he gets sick most of the time. So I don't really know how he's doing." He lifted his shoulders in a shrug. "It's all really confusing."

Julie nodded in understanding. "I know how what is. I mean, I've never known someone personally with cancer. But working in the hospital I've seen a lot of what you're talking about."

"He'll be fine." James said confidently. He stopped. He had no idea where that had come from. But since he had already expressed his optimism. "Logan's a lot tougher than you'd ever think. He'll beat this. He's always telling me that he feels pretty good lately." His words were met with silence. "Julie? Isn't that a good thing? That Logan is feeling so good?"

"James." Julie began with a sigh. "I'm sorry. I've just been around cancer patients for so long that it's hard to be as optimistic as you are."

"What do you mean?" James asked, afraid to hear her answer.

"It's just that. . ." Julie fiddled with her bracelet. "I know how quickly things can change." She blurted out quickly.

At that James sat up. "What do you mean by that?"

"I know that Logan may seem better, James." Julie said gently. "But cancer is so unpredictable that-"

James cut her off. "Logan's not like any other patient though, Julie. He's my friend. He's our friend. He's been through a lot but he's always been okay in the end. He's strong. He's a fighter."

"A lot of people say that." Julie said softly.

"What is your problem?" James snapped as he stood up. "Do you think Logan's going to die or something?"

Julie caught his hand and tugged him down. And because James was so emotionally unstable at that moment, he sat back down without a protest. "James, I'm not trying to hurt you. Honestly. I just. . ." She took a deep breath and Jame saw tears in her eyes. "I just don't want you to get hurt any worse if you're going through this whole thing absolutely convinced that Logan is going to get better."

"Oh, so what I'm supposed to prepare? Well, let me ask you something, Julie. How the heck does someone prepare for their best friend's death? Because I'd really like to know." James took a shaky breath and stopped when he saw that Julie was crying silently. "I'm sorry." He said, his voice softening. "I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just. . ." He shrugged. "I tend to take my anger out on people who can't help anything."

"I'm sorry." Julie countered. "I guess I am a little. . jaded. It's so hard to see friends and family members be so hopeful and then have everything taken away from them."

"I bet." James couldn't think of what else to say.

"I don't want to see that happen to you and everyone else." Julie whispered. "I've only known you all for a little bit but it's harder this time. It's more personal I guess."

"How do you do it?" James asked. "How can you stand seeing this every day? Doesn't drive you crazy?"

Julie smiled sadly. "It's not something you ever get used to. With the exception of that idiot Doctor Stevens, the doctors in that hospital really do care about every single patient there. A lot of people think that they have no feelings or that they become numb to losing their patients. That's not true. They care about everyone and it always breaks them when they lose someone. For a while I was in the children's cancer ward. That's all I did. No cafeteria or bathroom duty. I thought it was great at first because the kids were always so cheerful. But then I saw the fear behind their smiles. I saw the pain in their parents' eyes. I remember how mother telling me that parents should never have to outlive their child."

James looked down. "I can't imagine hearing that." He swallowed past the lump in his throat. "When Logan was kinda first in the hospital we were going to see him and we saw a little kid. He was. . . only six years old. All I could think of was how _wrong_ it was for such a little kid to be so sick. His name was Logan too."

"I know Logan." Julie laughed a little. "He's a funny kid."

"How is he doing?" James asked hesitantly.

At his question, Julie smiled even more. "He's in remission right now."

"Remission?" James repeated the strange word.

"It means the cancer is gone. At least for now." Julie leaned in closer to him. She wanted to give him something to hope for. Something to hang on to. "That's what you want to hear when the doctor is talking about Logan."

* * *

Carlos stuck his head under the sink and turned the cold water on. He jumped slightly as the freezing sensation ran down his neck but sighed in relief when it became bearable. It was never supposed to be this hot. He had woken up nearly drowned in his sweat. When he stumbled out to the kitchen he had found a note from Mrs. Knight telling him that she had taken Katie and Kendall to the grocery store and that James was out. She also had written that the air had broken and that Mr. Bitters had informed everyone that it should be fixed by early evening. Apparently Palm Woods wasn't alone and that entire neighborhoods were having the same problem. First come first serve as far as customers were concerned. Carlos wondered if what time everyone else had called if Mr. Bitters had called at 8:00. He groaned and stuck his head under the faucet again.

"Carlos?"

At the sudden sound of Logan's voice, Carlos jumped and smashed his head into the faucet. For a brief second he saw nothing but stars. He blinked and shook his head, steadying himself on the counter.

"Carlos, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to startle you. Are you okay?" Logan was by his side in an instant his face full of concern.

"I'm okay." Carlos obeyed his friend though as Logan led him to a chair and made him sit down.

"Let me see you head." For the first time, Logan was completely grateful that his friends had all shaved their heads. It made examining Carlos' head easier. He frowned in concentration. "I can't see anything." He said in relief. "You should probably put some ice on it just to be sure." He stood up.

"I'll get it." Carlos said, bounding to his feet. He ignored the slight look of annoyance that crossed Logan's face. He lifted an ice pack out of the freezer and held it to his head, flinching at the icy touch. "Are you okay, Logan?" He eyed his friend closely. Logan looked upset about something but unwilling to say anything.

"Where's everyone else?" Logan glanced around the large room. Mutely, Carlos shoved a piece of paper toward him. "Oh." He said after he scanned the note. "So." He began conversationally. "Hot outside."

"And inside." Carlos pointed out.

"Right." Logan nodded in agreement.

"So are you going to tell me what's bothering you?" Carlos asked.

Logan looked down. "Aren't you going to ask me if I'm hungry first?" He tried to joke.

"Are you?" Carlos asked hopefully, yet at the same time, doubtfully. The rest of them had an unwritten pact to get food into Logan whenever he was hungry since it was rare. He frowned in disapproval as he looked over his friend. Logan's clothes were really loose on him now and his face was thin and hollow looking.

"Not really." Logan admitted.

"Anything?" Carlos asked, feeling that if he didn't get something into Logan then he might actually blow away.

Logan sighed tiredly. "Um, I don't know." He said reluctantly.

Carlos opened the fridge and looked inside. He scowled and closed it. He opened a cabinet and brightened. "There's some Saltine crackers here." He said, waving the the box at Logan. "Whenever I had the stomach flu or something my mom always gave me these and ginger ale." He froze when he saw something in Logan's eyes. "What?"

Logan shook his head quickly. "Nothing. Saltines are great." He took the box and opened it. He really wasn't at all hungry so it was for Carlos' benefit and not his that he bit into a cracker.

Carlos' eyes narrowed. "What's wrong Logan? Tell me." He begged.

Logan shoved the crackers away, his appetite now gone completely. He laid his head down on the table, avoiding Carlos' gaze. "It's August fifth today." He said flatly in a small voice. He heard Carlos take in a sharp breath as the realization sunk in.

Carlos inwardly slapped himself for forgetting. What kind of friend was he? Twelve years ago to the day, Logan had been in the car accident that claimed his mother's life. The accident that changed everything for him. "Logan." He said quietly. "I'm so sorry." He watched as Logan lifted his head and tried to smile.

"It's not your fault." Logan sniffed back tears. "I feel stupid crying. It's been twelve years."

"Yeah but. . . that doesn't make it any easier does it?" Carlos asked.

Logan shook his head. "No. They say that time heals all wounds but that's one of the biggest lies ever. I still remember everything like it happened yesterday."

"You. . . you do?" Carlos stared at Logan. For some reason he had always thought, or hoped, that Logan was too young to remember much of the accident. But that was clearly not the case.

Logan nodded. "Like it happened yesterday." He repeated. "I still have nightmares sometimes."

"Logan, why didn't you ever tell anyone?" Carlos tried to understand why or how his friend had dealt with so much pain for this long in complete silence.

Logan traced the lettering on the note from Mrs. Knight. "Because." He said. "I always thought that I could handle it on my own. And I could. Until now. Because now I wish she was alive more than ever before."

Carlos sat still for a few minutes. He tried to remember a time when everything was normal. He tried to remember when they laughed every half hour instead of crying. He tried to remember when Logan didn't look like he'd pass out any second. The terrifying thing was that he couldn't. He couldn't remember happier times. He could think of anything but that Logan was hurting so badly in more ways than one and there was nothing he could really do. But when Logan laid his head back down on the counter and started to cry he managed to shake himself out of his frozen trance and bring his friend into a hug. He ignored the fact that his arms easily fit all the way around Logan's thin body. There wasn't much left of him, but Carlos intended to keep what was left. One day, things would be good again.

**A/N. Three reasons not to kill me for the long wait: One, this chapter is over 4,000 words. Two, I turn 20 tomorrow. I'm too young to die! Three, if I die you'll never know what happens! So yeah. Hope you liked it! Reviews are great birthday presents! Carpe Diem!**


	34. Kendall

**A/N. Thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews and birthday wishes. You guys are the best. There's nothing else to say so I'll just tell you that I don't own anything. Read on.**

Time passes even when it doesn't seem to. There was never much to do for the boys. Logan was constantly too worn out to do anything more than lay around and read. Occasionally he coaxed his friends into going to the pool where they swam as he sat and watched. But it was never very much fun with the three of them and they would soon get bored and and up back in the apartment playing games or watching TV. On days when Logan was feeling usually good they actually went out for a couple hours. They visited Mike at the hockey rink, they went to the movies, and sometimes they just went to the beach or the park to hang out. Those days were the best days. Those were the days when they could almost pretend that everything was normal. But they were also very rare and more often than not, the days following would find Logan sleeping until noon and then dozing off for hours at a time. Carlos, Kendall, and James never strayed very far when that happened.

Before any of them knew it August had passed into September and everyone at Palm Woods was preparing for a new year of school. The boys faced their senior year of high school with apprehension rather than anticipation like everyone else. Logan had spent more than good two weeks trying to convince Mrs. Knight that he could handle the online classes. Finally, when she had seen how much it meant to him and that it gave him something to look forward to, she relented.

But James, Kendall, and Carlos all dreaded the school year. This time, they would not have the online classes like they had the year before. That had been convenient while they were recording, but since everything had been put on hold, the boys had been enrolled in the local high school. Kendall had fought with his mother every step of the way and James and Carlos had arguments over the phone with their own parents. They had only given in when Logan gave them a stern lecture on the importance of an education in a school environment.

Katie was also going to school in the fall. She had mixed feelings about the new experiences ahead. The past few months had been traumatic to say the least and she had found herself wanting to spend more and more time with her friends and family than terrorizing Mr. Bitters with her schemes. On the other hand she also wanted distractions from what went on at home.

Kendall jerked out of his thoughts when he heard voices coming from the kitchen. The smell of pancakes soon followed and his stomach growled. He threw on a clean shirt and pair of jeans and left his room to obey his stomach's demands.

"Happy Birthday, Kendall!"

He started in surprise at the happy chorus of voices. His mother, sister, and his friends were all gathered around the table with huge grins on their faces. Mrs. Knight rose from her chair to give her son a quick hug and kiss.

"Eighteen!" Carlos exclaimed, shaking his head. "You;re such an old man, Kendall!" He grinned at Kendall's face. "So tell me, old man. How does it feel to be eighteen?"

"You know, it actually feels the same as seventeen did." Kendall resisted the urge to smash his friends face into the pancakes. "I thought we might actually skip the old man bit for once."

James laughed. "Come on, Kendall. Carlos has been doing that since you turned thirteen. Do you really expect him to skip it anytime soon? Anyway." He gestured impatiently with a fork. "She wouldn't let us eat until you came out. You have no idea what it's like to have to sit and stare at this food and just have to wait. I'm so hungry!"

Kendall remained standing for a while then forced a laugh and sat down between Logan and his mother. "I'm the birthday boy, James. I'm allowed to sleep in as long as I want to."

Logan leaned over to him as James and Carlos began an argument over the pronunciation of syrup. "You forgot it was your birthday today didn't you?"

Kendall flushed slightly and shrugged. "Maybe." He ignored the look of disapproval that crossed Logan's face and helped himself to the pancakes. He passed the plate to Logan.

Logan took a small pancake and passed the plate to Katie who frowned but remained silent. Lately everything had been upsetting his stomach and the last thing he wanted to do was get sick on Kendall's birthday.

"So." Mrs. Knight smiled when everyone had more or less finished. "Would you like to open some presents?"

Kendall looked around the table. Katie and Carlos were bouncing in their seats with such eagerness that it would surprise him of one of them fell off their chair. James and Logan looked more subdued but at the same time, equally excited. "Sure." He finally answered.

A small cheer went up and Mrs. Knight handed him a decent sized pile of wrapped gifts. Kendall opened CD's, DVD's, books, and clothes. He carefully opened a beautifully drawn sketch of the lake in Minnesota where they used to skate, from Katie who blushed furiously at everyone's praise.

"I didn't know that you liked to draw." James said as he studied the picture in admiration. "You;re amazing. When I was ten I was still drawing stick figures."

"When I was ten I was still using coloring books." Carlos piped up.

"Outside of the lines too." Logan said with a grin.

"Just because you were probably coloring inside the lines since you could hold a crayon doesn't mean that everyone was the same." Carlos laughed. "Some of us have more trouble than others. Besides, I always made my own lines."

Kendall rolled his eyes at his friends' banter and drew Katie into a hug. "Thanks, Katie. I really love it." He took the drawing as Logan handed it back to him and carefully placed it on the top of the pile. "Thanks so much everyone."

"Wait!" Carlos yelled, startling everyone. He jumped up from the table so fast that he nearly upset his glass of orange juice. "There's one more!" He yelled over his shoulder as he dash toward the boys' bedrooms.

"Dude, chill." Logan called after him. He exchanged exasperated expressions with James. "It's not like it's going anywhere."

"I can't find it!" Carlos emerged from his bedroom after various crashes. "Where did it go?"

"Didn't I tell you?" Logan stood up and walked over to Carlos. "I put in my room. I didn't think it was safe in your room."

"You know I think I actually do remember you saying something about that." Carlos said slowly as he followed Logan into his room. As usual it was as neat and clean. A stark contrast to Carlos' own room which bordered on dangerous.

Logan opened a desk drawer and handed Carlos an envelope. "Now remember. Don't say anything about how we really got these."

"I know." Carlos' smile faded. "But these were supposed to be for you and Kendall. You won them."

"Yeah, but I can't go." Logan shook his head and tried to cheer Carlos up with a grin. "It's okay. Really. We'll have a game night with the girls. It'll be fun."

"But-"

"Guys? Did you get lost or something?" James called from the kitchen.

"Let's go." Logan said quickly. He led Carlos back to the others and watched his friend hand Kendall the envelope.

"Here's a present from me, Logan, and James." Carlos muttered. The lie tasted bitter on his tongue and he smiled brightly for Logan's benefit who gave him a warning look when Kendall wasn't looking. "Hope you like it!" He added with more enthusiasm.

Kendall studied his friends' expressions. James and Carlos were glancing at Logan with unhappy expressions on their faces and then looking at him with funny looking grins. Logan was ignoring James and Carlos and watching Kendall expectantly. He opened the envelope and stared at the contents. "Hockey tickets?"

"Not just any hockey tickets!" Logan said with a huge grin. "Hockey tickets to see the Ducks play the Wild!"

"Wow, really?" Kendall inspected the tickets closer. "You guys this is great! But wait." He said, suddenly frowning. "There's only two."

"Hey look! He hasn't forgotten how to count over the summer!" Carlos laughed but it sounded a little fake and empty to Kendall.

"Well-" Kendall began in confusion.

"We organized a date for you." Logan informed him.

"Jo?" Kendall said in disbelief. "But Jo hates hockey!"

"She said she would go." James shrugged.

"She did? You mean you already asked her?"

"We organized a date for you remember?" Logan raised his eyebrows at Kendall. "And Jo is actually really excited to go. I told her that she needs to see a real hockey game before she can really hate it."

"But." Ordinarily, Kendall would jump at the chance to go to a hockey game. But things were different. He was terrified of leaving Logan for too long. He was terrified of what he might find when he came back. Different scenarios played around in his mind. Logan passing out. Logan getting hurt. Logan getting sick. Logan winding up in the hospital again. Logan. . . Logan dying. What if Kendall came back and Logan was gone? "But what are you guys going to do?" He finally managed to choke out.

"The girls are coming over for a game night." Logan told him. "It'll be fun. We'll be fine." His dark eyes pleaded with Kendall. "Come on, Kendall it's your birthday. I just want you to have a normal birthday. You know. Hang out with us during the day and then head over to a hockey game with your girlfriend. Please?"

Kendall took a deep breath. He looked around the room. His mother and sister looked sympathetic to his plight but remained silent. James and Carlos stood behind Logan and were both nodding solemnly. Logan was waiting for him to respond. "Okay." He finally relented. "We'll go."

* * *

He had promised to go to the game and try to have a good time. But Kendall hadn't realized how hard it would be until he was sitting in the hockey arena with thousands of other fans screaming at the top of their lungs, just how difficult a promise it was to keep. It was impossible. Kendall was miserable. He wanted to be anywhere _but_ the hockey game. The fans there were loud and completely wrapped up in the game as if it were a matter of life and death. They had no idea. They didn't have a dying best friend. It was just a stupid game.

Jo was actually into the game to his surprise. The atmosphere was somewhat catching and although she had absolutely no idea what was happening she was still enjoying herself way more than Kendall. Watching her reactions and listening to her call the officials umpires was what made the game bearable for Kendall.

"Kendall?"

He jumped slightly when Jo touched his arm and looked up at her. Her face was full of concern. "Sorry, Jo. I didn't hear you. Did you say something?"

Jo frowned. "You're not enjoying yourself are you?" She said softly.

Kendall could barely hear her over the roar of the crowd. He pasted a fake grin on his face. "Of course I am. I'm at a hockey game with my girlfriend."

Jo stared at him silently. Then she stood up. "Let's go."

"Go?" Kendall repeated. "But the second period is only halfway through." He followed Jo as she walked through the mass of people and into the open air. It was a somewhat chilly night and he watched as Jo drew her coat tightly against her. The two were quiet as they got in the car and Kendall started the engine. "Jo, I'm really sorry that I'm such a lousy date." Kendall finally said as he stared outside. He glanced over at his girlfriend. "Are you really mad at me?"

"Kendall, I'm not mad at you at all." Jo said honestly. "You're worried about Logan. So am I. We all are. I think it's amazing how close you guys all are. Your friendship is so real. It was really sweet of you to come tonight even when you didn't want to."

"Logan wanted me to." Kendall gripped the steering wheel. "He wanted me to pretend everything was normal for once. But I forget what normal is. He wanted me to enjoy myself. But it's not the same without him and Carlos and James. Even hockey. Tonight all I could was think about how the game was so important to everyone there. It's all that mattered to some of them. I remember it used to be like that for us. Life was so simple back then. Now it's all screwed up. It's like a nightmare that you can't wake up from. Or some freaking ride that won't stop and won't let you off."

"If there was anything I could do to make this easier for you then I would." Jo said softly. "That's one of the hardest parts. Seeing how much this is hurting all of you."

"I'm afraid to be gone for too long." Kendall admitted. "I'm afraid that Logan might not be there when I get back."

"Kendall, of course he will. He's doing well now isn't he?" Jo felt tears prick her eyes and she sniffed. She wanted so desperately to find the right words. She wanted to be able to comfort Kendall.

"That's another thing." Kendall took a deep breath. "One day he's fine and the next day he's not. I can never tell what to expect. And that scares me so much. It's like we could lose him any day now. It's like Logan's just a puppet and the cancer's the puppeteer and it's holding all the strings. And all we can do is sit and watch. Sit and watch him die." He had no idea where the words were coming from. They spilled out of his mouth uncontrollably and scared him even more.

"You're not just sitting and watching him die though." Jo argued gently. "You're right with him. Every step of the way."

**I'm not entirely sure how much I liked this. But it's almost 2:30am and I HAVE TO GO TO BED before I die of exhaustion. Okay. That was a bit dramatic. Sorry. I hope you liked this more than I did. Please review!**


	35. James

**A/N. Torment, anxiety, trouble, sorrow, worry, fear. These are all the synonyms for angst that my laptop's dictionary gave me. It gave one antonym: Happiness. That's what I have to say about the chapter you're about to read. It is dedicated to One Man Writing Games who was lamenting the lack of James Angst in BTR fandom. That's all I have to say. I don't own anything. Grab some tissues before you read any further.**

James stared at his history textbook. The chapter was about the Vietnam War and the United States' involvement. The 1960s had been a turbulent time. So many people looked back and saw only what they wanted to see. The funny clothes, like bell bottom pants, tie-dye shirts, the long hair, Hippies in general. The iconic music, and other movements in the arts. But what lay under the pretty surface of that particular decade was ugly. The violent protests, the war, the astounding rise of drug and alcohol abuse and so much more. But James wasn't absorbing any of the words on the pages in front of him.

James was smart. He was nowhere near as smart as Logan who, if he wasn't so sick, would be the object of several ivy league schools' attention and scholarships. But he was smarter than Kendall and Carlos and could easily maintain straight A's in any subject.

Except history. World, U.S., European, ancient, none of it ever really made sense to James. The number of people, places, events, and dates that he was required to memorize made his brain panic and freeze. Only with Logan's help was he ever able to manage a solid B minus. Just above a C actually. But since grades had always been a big thing for all of the boys because of hockey and then, Big Time Rush, Logan had always been a tireless tutor. It wasn't uncommon for the two boys to go over one thing for hours at a time with Logan doing everything from reading the chapters out loud to his friend, to actually dragging Kendall and Carlos and occasionally Katie into the study session to actually act out several events in hopes that by _seeing_ it, James might actually soak something up.

But now, James found himself struggling over U.S. History II all by himself. Logan was having enough trouble handling his own school work that James kept his struggles to himself. If he let the other subjects slip just a tiny bit and really worked on his Achilles's heel, then he was pretty sure he could scrape by with a C.

At least, that's what he had thought at the beginning of the school year. It was two weeks later and James was beginning to doubt himself. He doubted that he would pass the stupid class and if he wasn't careful, then he might actually have issues in his other classes as well. Never before had he felt so stupid. Two weeks into his senior year and he was already falling behind. What kind of person was he? A complete and utter failure. All of his confidence had been stripped away and was replaced with maddening insecurity that was unfamiliar and frightening. James didn't even know who he was anymore. He was losing himself.

They were losing Logan too. It had been three weeks since Kendall's birthday. Three weeks ago Logan looked better than he had in such a long time. The dark circles under his eyes had faded until they were barely noticeable, he was alert and animated as he conversed with everyone. He had even eaten more than was usual for him and hadn't gotten sick. His black hair had grown back and so there was really no sign that he was ill except for his thin appearance. But that had been three weeks ago. And it that short amount of time, Logan had taken an alarming turn for the worse. A total 180.

He now slept an average of sixteen hours a day. James had been studying his sleeping habits for a week now and had worked it out. Gone was his Insomnia. Logan very rarely woke up on his own and when he did it was because he was suddenly feeling sick or really cold. He almost never ate anymore. Only when someone else was practically reduced to tears and even then Logan usually ended up kneeling on the bathroom floor over the toilet, his entire body trembling like a leaf. He was in pain too. That was the worst part. He tried to hide his discomfort and succeeded most of the time. But there were other times when Logan cried because everything hurt. And besides going to the hospital and being hooked up to an IV and having Morphine running through him, there was really nothing anyone could do for Logan. The pain pills Doctor Walsh sent home only dulled the pain.

James' earlier optimism had faded. It had become impossible to look at his cancer-stricken friend and convince himself that everything would turn out all right. On rare days when Logan was feeling well James could still see the cancer hiding behind his smile, waiting to come back with a vengeance the next day.

And he thought history was hard to understand before. James flipped the book shut in disgust. He couldn't focus on something that had happened fifty years ago. The only thing that he was ever aware of was that Logan was _dying_. And he was only seventeen. Just a kid really. He couldn't drink or smoke, not that he ever would. He couldn't vote or enlist. He had his whole life ahead of him. But maybe he didn't.

James pushed his chair away from the desk and stood up. It was a joke that he thought he would be able to study today. A stupid joke. He left his room and wandered into the quiet living room. Kendall was staring blankly at the muted TV. A hockey game was seconds away from ending. James winced as he remembered the failed birthday surprise. Kendall and Jo had arrived back at Palm Woods when the third period was still only halfway through. Nobody said a word. They had all acquired the freaky ability to read each others' mind in certain times and that had certainty been one of those times. Besides, the couples' red, puffy eyes spoke volumes.

Carlos sat on the edge of the swirly slide and was clearly having study problems with the book in front of him. As James watched he never once turned the page. He stared at the same page, his expression distracted.

Mrs. Knight and Katie were playing a game of chess which was weird to begin with since neither of them had ever been fond of board games. Under different circumstances it would have been amusing to watch. They had no idea how to play and every single move was completely at random.

A pile of opened gifts sat on the coffee table. James was eighteen. Nobody had forgotten. But James' birthday was different from Kendall's. Logan had woken up feeling sick and as soon as James had finished opening his presents, he had gone back to bed where he had been for the last two and a half hours. James sat down next to Kendall on the sofa and looked over the material items. He would have been ecstatic at what he had received. But they were all just _things_. What James really wanted, no one could give. He wanted his best friend back.

"What are you _watching_?"

The three boys and Mrs. Knight and Katie jumped at Logan's voice. He had wandered unnoticed into the family room and was looking at the TV. James followed his gaze. Oprah. The hockey game had ended but since no one had been watching it to begin with, Oprah had appeared as suddenly as Logan had.

Logan looked absolutely horrible. His face was pale and tight with pain. He shuffled over to the couch and nearly fell down next to James. "So can I ask why you're watching Oprah?" He smiled slightly.

"The hockey game ended." Kendall answered quietly.

"Who won?"

"Um, I don't know." Kendall switched the TV off. "I forget who was even playing."

"Logan, are you feeling any better?" Mrs. Knight asked in concern. She came over to feel Logan's forehead and frowned. "You're a little warm. Let me get a thermometer." She was gone for only a minute before she was gently placing the thermometer in Logan's mouth. When it beeped she took it out, glanced at it, and frowned again. "It looks like you are running a slight fever. I think I'll go call Doctor Walsh."

When she left the room had gotten even quieter it that was possible. Katie got up and walked into her room, shutting the door behind her. Kendall stood and followed his little sister. Carlos' textbook fell to the floor and he sat frozen, watching Logan. James had to remind himself to breath. Logan shifted uncomfortably. Finally, Mrs. Knight came back.

"Well, Doctor Walsh said that unless your temperature rises there's no need to bring you in just yet. Would you rather go anyway, Logan? You'd probably be more comfortable in the hospital." She tried to smile but it was shaky and was gone as soon as it appeared.

Logan shook his head. "No. I'm okay. I'd rather be home."

Mrs. Knight nodded in understanding. "Okay." She said softly. "'If you're sure." Lately, no one had tried very had to argue with Logan even if it was for his best. He hated the hospital and actually got more rest when he was at home.

"So." Logan glanced over at James. "How's history coming along?"

James lifted his shoulders in a shrug. "It's all right."

"Sure it is." Logan grinned and for a split second looked almost healthy. "You're such a terrible liar, James."

"I'll take that as a compliment since lying is something I've always been told is wrong." James tried to joke.

"So how is history really going?" Logan pressed.

James sighed. "We're studying the Vietnam War right now." He answered. "We have a test in a few days."

"Are you ready for it?"

"Hardly." James rolled his eyes. "You know me."

"Want help?" Logan offered.

James turned and looked at his friend. He looked no better than he had since the day began and yet he was offering James help? "No, I'm okay."

"Let's go then." Logan stood up and waited for James. When all he got was a blank look he rolled his eyes. "Come on. I'm bored and tired of sleeping. You need help with history and it's your birthday. This can be my lame present to you since I never got a chance to get anything."

James wondered how he could tell Logan that just the fact that he was still alive was the best present he had been given that year. He wondered how to tell him that history was the furthest thing on his mind right now and he could care less if he failed. But he stood up and the two boys walked into James' room.

Logan sat on James' bed and leaned up against the head board. "Bring me your book." He instructed softly, closing his eyes.

"Logan are you-"

"Yes." Logan opened his eyes. "Come on, James. It's the least I can do right now."

James brought him the book wordlessly and watched as he scanned the pages. He fiddled with his pencil while he waited and racked his brain for something to say.

"Okay. Let's take a look at the questions at the end of the chapter." Logan studied the questions before he picked one. "This one is probably the best because it kind of puts the whole chapter in your perspective. Do you think the U.S. was right to become involved in the war?" He glanced up at James expectantly.

"I don't know." James shook his head. "I read the chapter three times, Logan. None of it is sinking in. It's like the words reach my eyes and stop when they get to my brain or something. There's this wall up and I just can't get past it." He sighed in frustration. "I feel really stupid." He admitted.

"The only thing that makes you stupid is think that you're stupid." Logan said patiently. He shut the book. "You're really not in the mood for studying are you?"

"Not really." James drummed the pencil nervously on his notebook. "It's hard to focus on anything right now. It's weird you know? I thought that I'd be so excited for my senior year. I thought I knew what we'd all be doing. But you're probably still filling out college applications right?"

Logan was silent. He suddenly seemed fascinated with the cover of the history textbook and refused to meet James' gaze.

"Logan." James suddenly felt sick. "You are filling out applications aren't you?"

"No." Logan finally said. "I'm not." He continued before James could say anything. "James, I can't do it. Not this year anywhere. Maybe next year if. . ." He trailed off and fell silent. When James didn't say anything he spoke up again. "I'm dropping out of school tomorrow too."

"But. . ." James nearly choked on his weak protest. "Is it really that bad, Logan?"

Logan nodded slowly. "Yeah." He whispered. "I'm too tired too ever really get anything done. When I try studying I usually wind up falling asleep within thirty minutes. There's no point right now. Too much is going on."

"Logan." James whispered. "Are you okay with that?" His eyes filled with tears. Logan had been looking forward to filling out college applications as much as most kids looked forward to summer. He had dreamed of getting into an Ivy League school and no one had ever doubted that he would one day. And then to have everything just fall apart like it had.

"I'd be lying if I said that it was no big deal." Logan sniffed and swiped a hand across his eyes. "But it's not like I can do anything about it. Who knows? Maybe by this time next year I'll be filling out applications. It just might take a little longer than I had originally planned that's all."

"_Maybe by this time next year you won't be alive."_ James bit his lip at the unwelcome thought. He watched Logan. Even now he was on the verge of falling asleep. He was blinking rapidly in an attempt to stay awake but it was a losing battle. He forced a smile. "Yeah." He said. "Next year." But Logan was already asleep.

It was scary to see how quickly things could change. One minute Logan was insisting on helping James with his history and the next he was fast asleep after confiding to James that he had no plans for college next year and that he was even dropping out of his senior year in high school. Because it was too hard. It was too hard for Logan.

James woke up at the sound of knocking on his door. He moved slowly and carefully. Logan had fallen asleep on his shoulder and he gently let his friend's head rest on his pillow before he got up and opened the door. Carlos was there.

"Um, Julie's here." The younger boy told James.

"Julie?" James repeated.

"Yeah. Uh, you guys were supposed to go out for something tonight." Carlos reminded him.

"Oh. Right." James glanced back at Logan and sighed. "Carlos, promise me that if anything happens you'll call me right away." He had no desire to leave that night. But he knew that it was what Logan wanted.

Carlos nodded and the two boys walked down the hall. James had decided that he was fine the way he was even though his hair was slightly messy on one side of his head from sleeping so awkwardly. He didn't care about how he looked. And he knew that Julie didn't care either.

"Ready?" Julie asked him with a small smile. She took in his appearance. "We could stay here if you want and just play some games like we did last time. But I have a feeling that my surprise will be good for you."

"Let's go then." James tried to return her smile. "See ya everyone. We'll be back in a couple of hours." He waved and allowed Julie to lead him outside. "So where's my surprise?" He asked, looking around.

"Oh, only about two blocks from here." Julie smiled as she climbed in her car. The drove in silence but it wasn't awkward and before James knew it Julie was pulling into the driveway of a small house. He could still see Palm Woods as he climbed out of the car and that was reassuring. He walked with Julie to the door and waited as she rang the doorbell.

The door swung open and James' eyes widened in surprise. A little boys with soft, blonde hair and bright blue eyes was staring back at them. His face lit up with a huge grin. He was so different from the last time James had seen him. He didn't even look like the same kid but somehow James knew him. "Logan."

"Hi Julie! Hi James! Come in! Let's go play with my toys!' Logan spun around and raced off down the hall. As Julie and James followed they were met by Logan's mother. Her worry lines and seemingly permanent frown were gone as she greeted the two with a smile.

"Julie, thanks so much for coming by. It's good to see you again, James."

"James, this is Mrs. Robins. Mrs. Robins, James." Julie introduced them smoothly. "But you've already met haven't you?"

Mrs. Robins nodded and looked at James. "I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, dear. I know how difficult it is to watch someone you love suffer so much."

James' bottom lip trembled like it used to when he was a little kid. "Yeah. Thanks." He ducked his head, embarrassed by his display of emotions in front of someone he hardly knew. He managed to smile. "I'm glad to see that Logan's doing so well." He said honestly.

"So are we." Mrs. Robins led them to the play room were the biggest set of Rescue Heroes was all over the floor. Logan sat in the middle of the sea of action figures and glanced up at them.

"Let's play!" He said enthusiastically.

James sank down onto the floor next to the little boy and picked up the nearest toy. He remembered playing with Rescue Heroes. He had even owned a few movies. Part of the theme song came unbidden to him.

_Rescue Heroes, they always save the day!_

If only.

James laughed as Logan said something funny and joined in his game. Julie and Mrs. Robins fell to talking as they watched the two boys. For an hour James played with little Logan. He was so absorbed in the game that when his phone suddenly vibrated, he jumped. Remembering what he had told Carlos before he left, he dropped the toy in his hand and yanked the phone out of his pocket and flipped it open.

_-Come home now-_

For an instant, James froze. He stared at the letters until they were blurry. Then he shot up and was stumbling to the door without a word.

Julie caught his arm. "James, what's wrong?"

James shook his head trying to think past the fear that had overtaken him. "I don't. . . I don't know." He stammered. He opened his mouth again to explain about the text message from Carlos but the wail of sirens interrupted him and he yanked the front door open. In the fading light he caught sight of an ambulance as it sped past. "Don't turn left. Don't turn left." James pleaded as he ran to Julie's car. The ambulance turned left headed to Palm Woods and any calm that he had left him. He dimly heard Julie apologizing to Mrs. Robins and Logan. His hands were shaking so badly that he couldn't stick them in the ignition. Then Julie was there and she was gently pushing James into the passenger seat and starting the car.

The car ride was impossibly long even though James could see their destination from the start. As soon as Julie pulled to a stop he was out of the car and running to 2J. It was a wonder that his legs were carrying him so well because he felt that they were shaking so badly that he shouldn't be able to even stand. He ran past the small crowd on onlookers and pushed away the EMTs that tried to stop him. He tried to explain that it was his friend they were there for but his vocal chords had stopped working all together. He burst into to apartment.

Kendall was sitting on the couch trying to calm down a hysterical Katie. But it was painfully obvious that Kendall was in a state of shock as he spoke to his sister. He held onto her tightly but his eyes stared down the hall. Neither of them noticed James' entrance.

James ran down the hall and into his room where he had last left Logan. He wasn't there. Feeling panicked he spun around and rushed to Logan's room. And that was when everything fell apart.

Or some reason, he noticed Mrs. Knight first. She stood, talking to one of the EMTs. James realized that she was giving him Logan's medical information. Her face was white and her eyes darted down to the floor.

Logan was on the floor. Pale didn't begin to describe him. His eyes stared unseeingly at one of the EMTs who was crouched down next to him. Another two men were setting up a stretcher. Carlos was practically holding Logan in his lap, tears streaming down his face. At first James couldn't understand why everyone was so terrified.

Then Logan's body jerked and he leaned away from the EMT examining him. James stared in horror as Logan a stream of blood gushed from his mouth. Logan gasped and choked, his entire body shaking. He was throwing up _blood_. When he stopped, Logan collapsed into Carlos and tried to steady his breathing. Then his eyes caught James' face.

James couldn't move or think. He watched as the EMTs loaded Logan onto the stretcher and wheel him away. He finally began to follow them mechanically. He followed them down the hall and out the door. He didn't notice that everyone at Palm Woods was watching in sick disbelief. He watched as Logan placed with the utmost care into the back of the ambulance. The doors closed and James was sure that he had just seen Logan alive for the last time. The end had come.

**A/N. I can't think of anything to say right now. Only that I couldn't help thinking of 'The Lion King' when Mufasa dies and Scar tells Simba to "run away and never return." I feel like Simba ****and the Angst Monster is Scar. I will update as soon as possible since this is probably the worst cliffhanger I've ever done. I apologize for any mistakes. I can't type well when my eyesight is blurry and my hands are shaking. I will tell you that while brainstorming for this chapter at work I cried and that I cried myself to sleep the past two nights. So I have a heart. . . Okay. Review?**


	36. Falling

**A/N. I had to start this chapter because I decided that the cliffhanger in the last chapter was just cruel. So. . . yeah. I don't own anything. I don't own anything. Read on.**

The hospital waiting room had never been so torturous. Kendall was pacing rapidly back and forth, refusing to be comforted by his mother who was holding Katie in her arms. James couldn't stop staring at Carlos. He hadn't stopped crying since James had first seen him. But it was awful to watch him. He didn't make a sound. He sat motionless and let silent tears stream down his face. That wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was that Carlos was absolutely covered in blood. Logan's blood. The combination of the blood and tears had caused several doctors to rush over to the group when they had first arrived, understandably assuming that it was Carlos who was hurt. Carlos was hurt. But there was nothing the doctors could do to help him and the others except save Logan. And that was what they had been waiting for.

They had only been waiting for thirty minutes but it seemed like so much longer. Finally, Doctor Walsh came over to them. Kendall shrunk back at the appearance of the man he had once welcomed and considered a hero. He was afraid now that the same man who had been fighting for Logan would now be delivering his death sentence. He retreated into the circle of his mother's arms with Katie. James wasn't sure Carlos even realized the doctor was there. It was like he was in a trace. No, that wasn't right. It was like he was in shock. He probably was. James wanted to stand to greet the doctor but he didn't trust his legs to hold him. He opened his mouth to ask if Logan was okay and nothing came out. So he waited.

Steven Walsh been been a doctor for twenty seven years. He had specialized in oncology for twenty one of those years. He knew everything anyone could know about cancer. He knew the treatments like other people knew sports statistics or the weather or even the stock market. He knew the side effects of the treatments. He knew that a bruise or a nosebleed could mean so much more to a cancer patient than an average person. He had learned all of this in medical school. He had spent hours pouring over textbooks, giving new meaning to the term "burning the midnight oil". But never in any of those award winning textbooks had he come across ways to tell people that their loved one had lost their battle or that they were losing. He had all the knowledge in the world when it came to cancer but when it came to delivering bad news he was helpless. That was why when he graduated with honors and received awards, he threw them all away. They were meaningless because when it came tight down to it, being a doctor was so much more than saving lives. Unless you were a monster like Neil Stevens, you became attached to you patients and their friends and family. How could you not when you saw them at their very worst day in and day out?

Logan Mitchell would always be a patient that Steven would remember. He was always polite and cheerful and painstakingly selfless. One night the doctor had come in to say goodnight before he left the shift to find Logan crying quietly.

"_Are you in pain?" Doctor Walsh frowned and glanced at Logan's vital signs and his chart. Nothing pointed to psychical pain. In fact, he had been given a dose of Morphine just twenty minuets ago. He should have been knocked out cold._

_Logan shook his head and wiped the tears away. "No. I'm fine, thank you."_

_It was a lie. It hadn't taken long for the doctor to realize that Logan hated to burden anyone with his troubles. Any doubt he had about that had been erased when Ryan Mitchell abandoned his son and Logan hadn't told anyone until his best friends had arrived. Maybe Logan wasn't in pain, but he was obviously hurting. "Is what's happening to you scaring you? Upsetting you?" He was surprised by his own boldness. He usually respected a patient's desire for privacy._

_Logan merely shook his head. But he stopped in mid shake and nodded slowly. "But that's not why. . . I'm upset."_

_Upset was putting it mildly. Something in Logan's eyes made Doctor Walsh stop and sink into the chair next to the bed._

"_I don't really mind what the cancer is doing to me." Logan began shakily. "I mean, it scares me and I know it'll get worse before it gets better. But it just scares me. I don't really mind it that much. What I do mind is what the cancer is doing to my friends."_

Now as he stood before the people who loved Logan the most, Doctor Walsh was at a loss for what to say. Twenty seven years and delivering bad news had yet to get any easier. "Logan is stable right now." Always begin with the good news if there was any. "But he's extremely weak."

James was grateful he had remained sitting. The overwhelming relief would have been too much for him. He let out a breath and leaned over putting his head between his knees. Logan was alive. The knowledge made him dizzy. He heard the doctor's other words but for some reason he didn't care. Logan was alive.

"Why was he. . ." Mrs. Knight's words trailed off and she couldn't finish her sentence.

"I'm afraid that's where the bad new comes in." Doctor Walsh pulled a chair up to the group and sat down. "When a person is diagnosed with a disease like cancer their entire body is weakened. Often a patient dies from something other than the cancer. In Logan's case his kidneys have been extremely weakened."

"What does that mean?" James heard Kendall's mother ask. The relief that had washed over him was gone. His chest tightened in panic.

"Logan is in renal failure right now. That means his kidneys are giving out. We can keep him comfortable but there's really nothing we can do except-"

"Except for what?" James grabbed on to the doctor's lone optimistic word and held onto it tightly.

"To be perfectly honest, Logan's one kidney is no good. He needs a new kidney. So the only option would be a kidney transplant."

"How. . . long?" James could hardly breath. Everything was spinning out of control and shattering on the ground in front of him.

Doctor Walsh didn't answer him right away. It was his least favorite question to answer. How long did Logan have to live? "There's no certain time." He began finally. "It could be several weeks or several months." He glanced down at his hands unable to see their reactions.

"So that's it then." James felt a numbness come over him. "Logan's going to die."

"He's on the waiting list for a kidney." Doctor Walsh tossed the information out to them like a life preserver. "It's entirely possibly that one might come in time. But. . . you need to be prepared."

Be prepared. James had gone months watching Logan like a hawk. Every time something came up, a nosebleed or a bruise, a fever or vomiting, he would wonder if things were finally coming to an end. Was this it? But now, as he stared at the doctor, James couldn't face the truth. He couldn't. He didn't want to. It was his birthday. His eighteenth birthday. He wasn't supposed to be hearing this.

"James?" Kendall was crying. He shook James shoulder again. "James did you hear the doctor?"

James shook his head and struggled to focus on the man in front of him. "What?" His voice sounded weak and raspy.

"I was just telling everyone that Logan really cannot see anyone right now." Doctor Walsh repeated. "But I don't like the idea of leaving him alone either. So I'll allow one person to stay overnight with him."

"James." Kendall said instantly. For a brief instant, the old Kendall appeared. The Kendall who made decisions without asking anyone first. The Kendall who was so impossibly stubborn that no one would contradict him. James is staying with Logan tonight." His tone allowed for no argument. "It's his birthday."

Doctor Walsh blinked at Kendall's words and turned towards James. What had happened to birthdays being happy? "James." He said quietly. "Would you like to stay with Logan tonight?"

James couldn't say anything. Speech was beyond him. He nodded, ignoring the tears that blurred his eyesight. He stood up, the others mimicking him. He was engulfed in a hug from Mrs. Knight and Katie before anyone could say anything.

"Take care of him." Mrs. Knight whispered. "We'll be here tomorrow as soon as they let us." He dropped a kiss on his forehead and led Katie away to give the three boys some privacy.

Carlos was still crying silently. James pulled him into a hug forgetting his blood covered shirt. He felt the shoulder of his own shirt soaking up Carlos' tears and he longed to be able to say something. Anything.

As soon as Carlos slowly pulled away, Kendall was hugging him. Any trace of pride or "manliness" they had left was gone. All they had was each other. "Tell him we'll be here tomorrow." Kendall managed to tell James. He let his arms drop to his side. "Bye, James."

James tried to respond but the lump his his throat made it impossible to say anything. He watched wordlessly as Carlos and Kendall walked backwards until they bumped into the doors and then finally turned around slowly, and were swallowed up by the darkness of the night. Then he let Doctor Walsh lead him to Logan.

Logan was sleeping. His chest rose in slow and steady breaths. James sat down besides the bed and concentrated on his friend's breathing for a while. He held his breath and waited before breathing again until his matched with Logan's. The beep of the heart monitor nearby was the only thing that kept him from falling apart right then and there. Logan's face was a deathly pale, and his lips were still slightly caked with blood. James looked away. This person in bed couldn't be his best friend. There had to be some awful mistake. Logan wasn't this sick. He looked back. It was Logan. He could still see glimpses of the old, healthy Logan if he looked hard enough. His hair had grown back and still looked the same. His nose was the only part of his face that hadn't sunken in to give Logan the look of a living skeleton and James found a ridiculous amount of comfort in the fact.

Involuntarily, his hand had crept up on the bed and found Logan's limp hand. He gripped the bed rail with his other hand tightly because he had a constant falling sensation and he wanted to be sure that he remained upright. He bent his head to the bed and rested it on the soft covers. But only for an instant because his keen awareness caught Logan as he stirred. He shot up so fast that he felt dizzy. Logan eyes struggled for a while and then opened. His gaze moved around the room before landing on James. "Logan." He whispered hoarsely.

"I ruined your birthday." Logan's voice was so weak and quiet that James could barely catch the words.

As if the words hadn't hurt enough the tears that came to his friend's brown eyes was what finally broke James. A sob forced its way past the lump in his throat and broke the dam of tears in his eyes. He lowered his head to the bed again and cried so hard he was certain that something inside of him was breaking. He had never cried so hard before. Not when Logan was first diagnosed and not at any time something new and frightening had happened. Somehow he found himself on the bed next to Logan and when a thin, bony pair of arms held onto him with a strength that surprised him, James cried even harder.

When he had finally cried himself into an exhausted state, James couldn't move. "I don't want you to die, Logan." He choked out, still trying to regain a regular breathing pattern.

"Don't cry." Logan pleaded, too late. Seeing James, who up until that night had been the strongest one of all of them, completely fall apart hurt his far more than the cancer.

"Then don't die." James' only response was stupid and childish but he didn't care. "Logan." He whispered his friend's name yet again because he wasn't sure how much longer he would be able to say it when talking _to_ him. "What are we going to do without you?"

**A/N. I think the solitary Jamesangst is over. For now. I hope it wasn't melodramatic or slashy. I don't write slash. Just very close friendship. Thank you to all of you who have made this my most reviewed story. You're all amazing. Oh, and random fact here: This story is over 100,000 words! And it's all because of you guys. I have no words. Thank you. I hope this chapter was worth your time. Please review!**


	37. Earth

**A/N. The amount of angst that has been poured into the last two chapters isn't even funny. I think I overdosed. I can't begin to thank you all enough. I would not be 36 chapters into this story if it wasn't for all of the amazing reviews I've been getting. So, thank you. I don't own anything. Darn! Oh well. Read on.**

Kendall lay in his bed shaking. He couldn't sleep. Every time he closed his eyes the night's events were replayed in his head.

_He remembered Logan going to bed at 7:30. Then Carlos was in his room studying when they heard Logan coughing. It sounded different. Harsher and more violent than normal. Kendall remembered Logan's fever earlier that day and was immediately worried. He stood up to go check on his friend but Carlos was already at Logan's door. He didn't want to overwhelm Logan so Kendall sat back down trying to ignore the funny feeling in the pit of his stomach. Then he heard a thud and suddenly Carlos was yelling in panic._

_The glass of water he was holding fell to the floor and shattered. Kendall flew down the hall and crashed into Logan's bedroom._

"_Call 911!" Carlos yelled as he dropped to the floor besides Logan. One arm was flung over Logan's shoulder and the other waved a hand frantically at Kendall to hurry._

_Kendall stood there and stared stupidly. He had a strong feeling of deja vu. Last time someone had yelled at him to call 911 was the beginning of the end. And as he watched Logan suddenly lean forward and cough, blood coming from his mouth, Kendall was certain that the end had come at last._

"_Kendall! Call 911!" Carlos was beyond rational thinking at that point. His own cell phone sat forgotten in his pocket as he held onto Logan as if to keep him from dying. At last Kendall seemed to snap out of his daze and he had whipped his cell phone out and dialed the three numbers that no one should ever have to dial._

"_911 Emergency, how can I help you?"_

"_You have to help me. . . I mean my friend. . . I mean you have to come." Kendall was hysterical. His legs gave out and he collapsed in the doorway of Logan's room and babbled on heedless of the operator's continued attempts to calm him down. Suddenly, the phone was snatched out of his hands._

"_We need an ambulance now." Kendall's mother gripped the phone in one hand and with the other tried to stop Katie from seeing what was happening. Her daughter shrieked and clamped a hand over her mouth and Lacey Knight gave quick instructions to the man on the other line and let the phone fall to the floor. "Kendall, take Katie into the other room." She said so gently that her words made it through past Kendall's shock. Kendall stood up slowly and took Katie's hand. Robotically, he led his sister away. She then dropped to her knees and tried to talk to Logan._

_Meanwhile, Carlos had remembered his phone and at the same time, James' request before he left that night. It was like his hand had a mind of it's own as Carlos sent his friend a quick, to the point text. He then dropped his phone and held onto Logan with both arms._

"_Logan, can you hear me?" He joined in Mrs. Knight's pleading but Logan couldn't answer. It seemed to Carlos that every single breath was a struggle. He took deep breaths of his own as if he could breath for Logan. What was happening? His heart was pounding so hard in his chest that Carlos didn't hear the EMTs rush into the room. By then the floor around them and Logan and Carlos were both wearing red as Logan continued to throw up blood._

_How much blood could a person afford to lose? Carlos shut his eyes, feeling the tears coarse down his face. Around him, the room was a flurry of activity as Mrs. Knight answered one man's questions, another man bent down in front of the boys, and two more set up a stretcher._

_And then James was there. No matter how hard Carlos would try to erase the image of James' face when he saw Logan, it would be burned in his memory forever. James looked. . . lost. He stood frozen, watching them._

_Suddenly, they were taking Logan from him. Carlos knew it was for the best but he let go reluctantly because he was so sure that he wouldn't see Logan alive ever again. Somehow he found his feet and followed the group outside. The air was unusually chilly for the beginning of October in warm LA. For some reason Carlos sensed that people were staring at him. When the ambulance disappeared around the corner Carlos realized that they were staring at him because of his shirt, stained red with Logan's blood._

_Kendall and Katie were the last ones to join the Big Time Rush family. Katie went right to her mother for comfort but Kendall could only stare at the empty street. This couldn't really be happening. Not this way. James was staring after the ambulance as if he expected it to come back with a happy, healthy, and whole Logan and tell them that the past few months has all been a horrible mistake. Carlos was crying harder than Kendall had ever seen him but it was scary because he wasn't making a sound. A silent scream._

Kendall buried his face in his pillow to keep from screaming out loud. The panic tightened his chest and made it difficult to breath. He sat up and tried to remember that his lungs were still fully functional and intact. Breathing was something that he always took for granted until now.

A sudden noise from outside his room distracted Kendall for a moment and he lifted his head. It sounded like it was coming from the kitchen. He stood up and walked out of his room. He wondered if he should be more careful. Maybe it was some psychotic killer. He wondered if he cared. Getting stabbed or shot wouldn't hurt any worse than watching Logan die.

A shadowy figure was standing over the sink holding something under running water. Kendall turned the overhead light on to its dimmest setting. "Carlos."

Carlos held his bloodstained shirt with one hand while the other scrubbed furiously at it with a sponge. He didn't even know that Kendall was there. His eyes stared at the shirt and didn't blink when the light came on.

"Carlos, stop it." Kendall said. His own pain was briefly replaced by pain for Carlos and he put a hand on Carlos' shoulder.

The younger boy jumped. "I was trying. . . my shirt. . . it was all over. Look." Carlos dropped the shirt in the sink and lifted up his clean one.

Kendall gasped at the angry red scrapes across his friend's chest. "Carlos, what. . . what did you do?"

"It was all over." Carlos sobbed. Without warning he sank in a crumpled heap on the floor. "All over, And not matter how much I tried I couldn't get it off." He put his head in his hands and continued to talk. "And it's James' birthday today. Or it was. Is it tomorrow yet? But why did this happen?"

Kendall didn't know what to say or do. He knelt down besides Carlos and pulled him into a tight hug. "I don't know." He answered all of Carlos' questions in three helpless words.

Carlos let his head rest on Kendall's chest. He found a great deal of comfort in the close contact and slowly he began to calm down. He listened to Kendall's steady breathing and felt the reassuring beating of his heart. Kendall was alive and well. And so was he. And so was James sitting in the hospital with Logan. They weren't going anywhere. And somehow it's easier to believe that Logan will be okay as well. There could never just be three of them.

Kendall sat holding onto Carlos long after he fell asleep. The ticking of the kitchen clock was loud in the stillness. He wondered what his mom would say if she found them on the kitchen floor the next morning. Before he can think twice, Kendall stood up with Carlos in his arms. He was much lighter than Kendall expected. He wasn't the skeleton that Logan was but he had definitely lost some weight. Kendall carried Carlos over to the couch and laid him down. He walked over to the sink and without looking at the shirt, picked it up and stuffed it deep into the garbage can. Then he walked back to Carlos and laid down next to him.

"Kendall?"

Carlos stirred and woke up. Kendall automatically pulled his younger friend into a hug. "Yeah, Carlos?"

"I think I know why this is happening." Carlos pulls away enough so that he can look Kendall in the eye. He didn't wait for Kendall's reply that time and continued talking. "I think that if there's a Heaven and a Hell then that means that God wants Logan back. And we can't really be too upset because who wouldn't? He's special."

Kendall's eyes burned with tears and his throat closed up so he couldn't answer Logan right away.

"I mean, I think it was awesome that we got to know him. And for so long too. I feel sorry for everyone who never knew him. I think I understand it now. I still don't get two things though." Carlos fell silent.

Kendall cleared his throat. "What two things?"

"I don't get why Logan would be put on Earth in the first place. He's too good for this messed up world. And I don't get why he had to go through all the crap he did." Carlos sniffed. "It's not fair."

"Maybe because he could handle it." Kendall said quietly. "Because he's strong enough. And we're not."

Carlos nodded. "But, Kendall?"

His voice was back to being small and scared and Kendall's arm tightened protectively around his shoulders. "Hm?"

"What's going to happen to us?" Carlos' voice was filled with tears. He didn't care that he was bawling like a five year old. They had all been through so much over the past several months that they were never embarrassed by their tears anymore.

"Nothing." Kendall whispered. "We'll be the same but just. . . without Logan. It'll be hard. Really hard. But we'll have each other and our families. We'll make it." He tried to sound convincing because he wasn't so sure of his own words.

The two boys were silent for a long time, each of them lost in their own thoughts which were actually exactly the same. The house felt empty with Logan and James. It was ironic that the two heavy sleepers were wide awake, too afraid to close their eyes. One could say their roles had been reversed but they doubted that James was sleeping in the hospital.

"I think." Kendall said suddenly, and Carlos turned toward him. "I think that there's probably a Hell on Earth. And we're right in the middle of it. It hurts too much to be anything else. Don't you feel like you're about to fall apart, or that it's incredibly hard to breathe sometimes? You know how we always used to have campfires? Remember how the wind would blow a certain way and the smoke would get in ours eyes and make them burn and our throats and make it hard to breathe? That's how I feel. I feel like I'm suffocating."

Carlos lay and listened to Kendall in silence. Even when Kendall stopped talking he didn't say anything. Because all of a sudden a thought occurred to him. A thought that put out the fire in his chest and made it easier to breathe. He latched onto the thought and held it close. For the first time in weeks his hope was renewed. He sat up to share it with Kendall. "But Kendall, if there's a Hell on Earth, wouldn't there be a Heaven too?"

**A/N. This was short and angsty and possibly stupid. I'll let you decide. Please review!**


	38. Logan

**A/N. I have no words for the reviews I received for the last chapter. I am speechless. I'm just going to say that I don't own anything so read on. THANK YOU.**

"No way." Logan said firmly. He crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. He looked remarkably stubborn for someone at Death's door. There was an angry fire in his eyes that Kendall would have loved to see if the circumstances were different.

"Logan, just listen for minute. We've been talking it over and-"

"Kendall, there is no way any of you is going to risk your life on my account." Logan cut him off. He sighed and wished that they could all just drop the discussion and pretend it had never happened. But as he stared at his three friends, it was like looking in a mirror. The same defiant expression was worn by them all.

Kendall bit his lip to keep from losing his cool. The argument they had was very strong if they all kept calm. "Logan, kidney transplant is considered relatively safe." He began. "We've all done some research and the doctors here seem to think that-"

But Logan interrupted him again. "It's only considered safe when you're comparing it to open heart surgery or something like that. But it's more dangerous for the donor than the recipient. And even if it went smoothly do you know what would change? You couldn't play sports, your immune system will be really weakened and you. . . just so much else." His resolve was weakening and he pleaded with his friends. "I don't want any of you to go through that."

"We don't care." James stepped into the conversation. "It would all be worth it if it helped you."

"That's the other thing." Logan said. "What if it didn't work? It probably wouldn't too. It would all be for nothing."

"That's not true!" James argued. "Even if it didn't work then at least we tried." He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Why are you being so stubborn about this?"

"Would you want this if you were me?" Logan pointed out. He couldn't help smiling a little as they all fell silent. "Besides." He added. "It's my decision in the end. I'm eighteen now."

Kendall flinched. It was Logan's birthday that day. And all they had done so far was argue. But saying "Happy Birthday" seemed pointless since happiness didn't exist anymore. "So that's it? You're just going to die?"

Logan shrugged. "I don't know." He said softly. "I don't want to."

"Really?" Kendall couldn't help asking. "Because for someone who doesn't want to die, you're awfully calm about this whole thing. You won't let us help you at all. Why?"

"Because I'm selfish." Logan responded instantly.

His answer caught Kendall and the other two completely off guard. Finally, Kendall found his voice. "What? Logan, you're not selfish." He argued. "You're the most unselfish person any of us have ever known."

"No, I'm not." Logan disagreed. "If I were than I would accept your help."

"I don't. . . understand." Kendall said in confusion.

"Because." Tears suddenly filled Logan's eyes. "I'm afraid we might lose one of you. And I don't think I could live with myself if it was all because of me."

The room was silent. Logan had just admitted what Kendall, James, and Carlos had been fearing for so long.

When his three friends were quiet for so long Logan took a deep breath before going on. "It's selfish because I'd rather die so I wouldn't have to miss you. But then you guys would be the ones hurting. I don't want that either."

"So let us help you." James begged. "I mean, you're overreacting. We might. . . not even be a match right? At least let us see if it's possible."

Logan considered the possibility. He sincerely hoped that none of his friends were a match and they could move on. "Fine." He said, giving them something to hold onto. "But just to see." He added before they could get too excited. They glared half-heartedly but nodded in agreement. "So." Logan attempted to change the subject. "How's school?" He grimaced at the lame subject.

"Stupid." Kendall said harshly. "Pointless."

"It's _not_ pointless." Logan said firmly. "It's important for your future. You can get a decent job when you have a college education. And to get a college education it makes it easier if you graduate from high school. This is your senior year. Your most important year. Everything counts."

"Yeah well, we'd still rather be here." Carlos finally spoke up.

Logan made a dismissing motion with one hand. "You all spend too much time in here as it is. Go. . . do something. Go to the beach, go on dates with your girlfriends, get in trouble. You're still teenagers remember?" He went on before any of them could protest. "I'm not saying that I don't want you guys here. I do. But I don't want you to put your lives on hold because of what's happening to me. It's not right."

"None of this is right." Carlos mumbled. "This is all wrong. So wrong in so many ways."

"So, no point in making it wrong in another way, right?" Logan offered a hesitant grin.

Carlos couldn't help laughing a little. "Do you have to be so good at arguing everything we come up with?"

"I'm the genius remember?" Logan laughed too but it was ruined by a brief coughing fit. He waved at the boys to sit down when they all stood up in alarm. He cleared his throat. "Sorry. It happens."

"Do you need something?" Carlos asked as he was halfway out of his chair. "Water? Medication? A doctor?"

"I'm okay." Logan insisted. He sighed, wishing that they could go longer than five minutes without something coming up to ruin the good moments. "Relax, okay?"

The boys tried to do as Logan said. They settled back into their chairs but in rigid, tense positions. "So, Logan." Kendall fiddled with a loose strand on his jeans. "How do we uh, go about seeing if. . . we can help?"

Logan looked disappointed that Kendall had brought the subject up yet again. "I honestly don't know. I guess you'd have to ask Doctor Walsh." He couldn't bring himself to face his friends and turned instead to look at the TV that no one was watching.

It was one of those cheesy family game night commercials. Logan always hated them. His family had never had a game night since it had been him and his father for the most part. But now he hated the ads for a whole new reason. The happy family portrayed on the television was fake. The mom and dad and kids had probably met each other the day of the taping. It was all just an act. Their stupid plastic smiles and idiotic bantering were scripted. They didn't really care if families spent time together as long as they got their checks at the end of the day.

"Logan."

He jerked out of his thoughts of families and turned back to see Kendall watching him in concern. "Sorry, what?

"Are you okay?" Kendall asked.

Logan considered the word. Okay. It gave a fair description of the way he was feeling. He nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay. Why? Are you guys okay?"

Kendall ignored the fact that Logan was obviously trying to turn the conversation around. "You looked kind of sad just now."

"Oh." Logan glanced back at the TV. "I was just thinking." He groaned inwardly when the other boys simply waited for him to go on. "About my dad I guess." He told them.

Inevitably, Kendall's face heated up in anger. Kendall had always been passionately protective to the point of self destruction. It scared Logan to think of what might happen if his best friend ever crossed paths with Ryan Mitchell ever again. James and Carlos were angry too but they were more restrained.

Really, it was natural that Logan had thought of his dad. It was his birthday after all. The illogical part was that he felt tears come to his eyes when he admitted his thoughts. He just wanted to forget about his dad and move on with however much of his life he had left. It hurt to think of him. Every time he did Logan couldn't help the veil of depression that came over him. Being the victim of abandonment wasn't something that was easy to recover from. Forgive and forget. It had been relatively simple to forgive his father. Something that his friends couldn't understand. But Logan wondered, if by some miracle he beat the cancer, if he could ever forget.

"Do you think he knows what's going on?" Logan ventured. He kept his gaze on James and Carlos, too afraid to see Kendall's reaction to his question.

"I. . . don't know." Carlos said.

The tension in the room was uncomfortable. Finally Kendall spoke up and he said something that Logan had never expected or hoped to hear. "How are you okay with everything he did to you, Logan? How are you okay with everything that's happened?"

James and Carlos looked both appalled at Kendall's boldness and relieved that he had asked Logan the question that they had been wondering themselves.

"Sometimes I'm not." Logan said quietly. He glanced down at the bed sheets and went on, unable to meet his friends' faces when he told them the truth. "Like, right after my dad. . . left. I just felt so worthless. Like, my mom died and my dad didn't want me anymore. Plus I felt like I was messing everything up by getting sick. One day there was this pair of scissors just sitting on the night stand over there. I think a nurse had used them to open something and she left them there. I don't know. But they were the really sharp kind, you know?"

James and the other boys were just staring at him. Mechanically, James nodded. There was a faint buzzing noise in his ears and he felt slightly dizzy because in some terrible way, he knew where Logan was going with his story. He felt sick to his stomach as Logan went on.

"They were so tempting just sitting there. I was alone too. It was all so perfect. I knew right where to cut too. Right on the vein in my wrist. Did you know that cutters usually cut on their upper arms and avoid their wrists? You can bleed out pretty quickly." He vaguely realized that he was probably shocking his friends with each and every word but they continue to rush out of his mouth. "Remember back in Minnesota when that girl, what was her name? Jessie Coggins? She accidentally cut too deep in the girls' bathroom and she almost died. And then her parents sent her to that rehab center in Michigan."

"If she had cut her wrist then she probably would have died. But most cutters don't actually want to die. It's just a way to escape the pain in their lives. It almost makes sense. The physical pain distracts them. It gives them a sense of control in their lives. I've read about it in Psychology classes."

"Anyway, I was thinking about all of that. I know that cutting is wrong and. . . suicide is even worse. I've known that my whole life. But that night, I really understood why people do it. Because I felt so alone and lost and. . . I don't know. I was depressed. It all seemed so easy and quick. And then I thought about you guys. And I thought about how every time there's a suicide, there are so many people left behind and it hurts them. I didn't want to hurt you guys that way. It's selfish because I was only thinking of ending my pain but I'd end up causing a lot more pain in the end."

James really felt sick to his stomach. Logan had wanted to kill himself. He had wanted to die. The fact that this was all in the past meant very little to him. What did matter to him was that at one point in his life, Logan had felt so hopeless because of all that had happened, that he had wanted to die. And he had come close to taking his own life. He was finally beginning to accept the fact that Logan would probably die. But because of the cancer or because of his failing kidneys. James would never be able to accept Logan's death if he had gone through with his plans.

"You were going to kill yourself?" Carlos' eyes were wide in disbelief. He knew that Logan had gone through some incredibly hard things lately. He had admired his friend's strength and determination. But how much of that had been an act? And act that he, Kendall, and James should have been able to see through. They were his best friends after all. Rather, they were _supposed _to be his best friends. Carlos couldn't help thinking that they had failed to see how deep Logan's depression had been. Wouldn't true best friends look past the smiles and the jokes and see the pain that had almost been their undoing.

"I'm really sorry." Logan was ashamed. He looked up to see the hurt in his friends' eyes. He felt guilty knowing that he had caused their pain. What made it worse was that it would have been so much worse if he had actually gone through with his plan. What would have happened to them all?

Kendall had his face in his hands. He was deeply shaken by Logan's confession. He believed him when he said that he was better now. Happier. He believed him when he said that he hadn't had a single suicidal thought since that one night. But that didn't change the fact that Logan had almost done what the cancer was trying to do.

"Do you hate me?" Logan's question was quiet as if he wasn't sure what to expect.

"Hate you?" James asked in disbelief. "Why would we hate you?"

"Because." Logan said as if the answer was obvious and he was confused when James didn't understand. "I wanted to die so much that I almost. . . you know."

James shook his head. "It's okay." He said, lying to himself and the others. It clearly wasn't okay. Nothing was okay anymore. "Logan, we could never hate you. And honestly? We always wondered if you were handling things as well as you appeared to be. It's partly our faults too. We let ourselves be fooled when you said you were fine. Maybe it's because we wanted it to be true so badly. We were lying to ourselves and each other."

"Why though?" Kendall broke into the conversation. "We're supposed to be best friends and all we've done lately is lie. Why aren't we honest with each other anymore?"

"Maybe it's because we're trying to protect everyone else." Carlos spoke up. He had been fighting his inner demons by himself but despite the conversation he couldn't bring himself to admit that to his friends. He would be okay.

Carlos' explanation made perfect sense to the others. But that didn't chase away the feeling they all had that they were going about it the wrong way. Still, it was comforting to know that although they were all still falling apart, they were falling apart together. If only they could somehow become whole again.

**A/N. Once again I'm not sure how much I like this chapter. Mostly because I can't wait for the next chapter. I was hit hard by the Angst Monster thanks to three review from chapter 36. Amy14k, Mrs. Wolfe Sanders, and Kaywells. You can all thank/blame them ahead of time for the level of angst you are about to encounter. I thought I'd warn you ahead of time. . . Anyway, review?**


	39. Carlos

**A/N. Before you read any further, grab a box of tissues, take a deep breath, and prepare for the amount of angst in this chapter. Okay. Ready, set, read. Oh, I don't own anything. Just the angst.**

Life was full of moments when you asked yourself, "What if. . .?". A time when one questioned the path life had taken them and dreamed out different scenarios. What if Logan's mother hadn't died in the car accident? Would his family be whole? Probably. Then again, what if Logan had been the one to die in the accident?" Would Mr. Mitchell have fallen apart the way he did when lost his wife? What if Logan hadn't gotten sick? They'd be living out their dream in perfect oblivion. What if Logan's father had never abandoned him? Talk about a perfect life. What if one of the boys had been compatible and they ignored Logan's protests and went through with the kidney transplant surgery?

Carlos leaned heavily on the desk, his chin propped up on his hands. He was exhausted. Since Logan had been hospitalized, his sleeping habits had gone from bad to worse. The night before, he, Kendall, and James had all found themselves sitting on the couch in the family room. They said nothing. They did nothing except stare at the blank TV. The lack of Logan's presence was so overwhelming sometimes that it was all Carlos could do to keep from going insane. Eventually, around 3:00 in the morning, Kendall and James had fallen into an uneasy slumber. But Carlos had suddenly become fascinated with the big kitchen clock. He watched the thin second hand tick by with an alarming rhythm. He was afraid of time. He was afraid of how much time Logan had left with them.

When they were all ten they had a long drawn-out discussion about super hero powers. Kendall insisted that super strength was the best. Imagine the checks you could make in hockey? Or super speed. No one would catch you on the ice! Logan had laid out a very logical explanation as to why neither of these would work very well. If you were faster than "the speed of light" then the NHL wouldn't allow you to play. The same was true for super strength. You couldn't go around checking players so hard that both of you and the wall ended up in the stands. He insisted that the most convenient super hero power was the power of invisibility. You could go anywhere and be totally safe because no one would see you. James insisted that he was perfect the way he was because even at ten he was convinced that he was the next big thing to happen in Hollywood. Carlos had always firmly believed that flying was the best super hero power in the world. That had all changed the night before. Now, all Carlos wanted was the ability to control time. He could go back to a year or so ago and freeze it there forever. But he wasn't a super hero. Obviously.

"Mr. Garcia."

Carlos winced at the sharp tone of his teacher's voice. Mrs. Jane Thorton had been had been teacher World History at the high school for well over forty years and had a well earned reputation for being stern and harsh with students who didn't pay attention to her lectures. He looked up to meet her hawk-eyed stare. "Yes, ma'am?" He struggled to sound polite when all he wanted to do was throw his book out the window and walk out of the classroom.

"I was wondering if you were with us today?" She looked over her glasses at him. "Clearly you are not."

They were discussing the Holocaust. Last week they had been talking about the Cold War but thanks to a bunch of idiots who had decided to proclaim that the Holocaust never happened and go so far as to hold a protest in front of the Holocaust Museum in LA a couple days ago, Mrs. Thorton had decided to backtrack

"The Holocaust, right?" Carlos met her gaze calmly. At least, he was calm on the outside. Inside he felt like he was going insane.

"Yes, but what exactly were we talking about just now?" Mrs. Thorton showed no mercy. She clearly doubted that he was paying very much attention.

She was wrong though. It was impossible to completely shut out her droning voice as much as Carlos wanted to. They were talking about the concentration camps and the horrific treatment that the prisoners endured. She had been reading excerpts from books written by Holocaust victims all containing vivid descriptions of what went on and what the people looked like. To his horror, Carlos suddenly begun to see images of Logan standing behind barbed wire fencing and Logan being loaded into a cattle car or being led to a gassing chamber. It was understandable though. Logan looked so sick that he probably could have passed for a Holocaust victim.

"Mr. Garcia!"

She really needed to stop calling him that. Mr. Garcia was his dad's name. He lifted his dad from the cool surface of his desk and looked at her. "Yes?"

"I asked if you needed to go see the nurse. You look quite pale." To her credit, Mrs. Thorton did look genuinely concerned for him.

Carlos seized the opportunity. "I think I should probably go." He said with a small nod. He stood up slowly. "Thank you, ma'am." He remembered his manners as his teacher handed him a hall pass and shook off her offer for someone to escort him there. The halls were perfectly empty and Carlos headed off to the boys' bathroom instead of the nurses. He splashed cold water on his face and looked into the mirror, shuddering at the face that stared back at him.

It wasn't a happy face, that was for sure. His dark eyes were filled with a grief that was far to heavy for anyone to bear, much less someone who was eighteen. It was his birthday. Carlos was eighteen. But he felt much older. The dark circles under his eyes made him look awful and the all-nighter he had inadvertently pulled hadn't helped a bit.

He wondered what would happen if he walked out of the school and all the way to the hospital. He could justify his action as being a birthday present to himself. That way he wouldn't have a nervous breakdown in front of his whole class. Carlos liked that idea and left the bathroom and headed down the hallway. It was still perfectly quiet. This only further justified in his mind, that it was okay for him to play hooky. He had just reached the door when the squawk of the PA system made him freeze in his tracks.

"Will Kendall Knight, Carlos Garcia, and James Diamond please come to the principal's office immediately?"

As soon as he heard Kendall's name, Carlos was running to the office. Each step beat out a question: "What happened?" "What was wrong?" "Was this it?" This final question caused Carlos to stumble for a few steps before crashing into the office. Kendall and James were already there because like good, well behaved students they had been in their classrooms instead of on the other side of the school.

Ralph Snyder, the school principal for only two years was trying to vain to get James and Kendall to stop flinging questions at him. At Carlos' entrance both of the boys stopped talking long enough for him to finally gain the upper hand. "Boys, sit down and let me explain." To his relief the boys say down wordlessly. James sat up so straight that Principal Snyder would have been surprised to hear that he was actually comfortable. Kendall gripped the arm rests of his chair with white knuckles. And Carlos. . . Carlos was just sitting there gazing at the desk with a far away expression in his eyes. Snyder knew what was going on with the boys and their best friend. That was why they were here. But as a father of a teenager himself, he couldn't help but worry deeply for all four of them. He cleared his throat. "Kendall, your mother called a little while ago. She'll be here in about five minutes."

Kendall's head snapped up at the mention of his mother. "What?" The word came out in a choked whisper and the small feeling of anxiety in the pit of his stomach was turning into panic very quickly. "Did she. . . did she say why?" There was no way he wanted to hear the answer but he had to ask anyway.

The principal shook his head. "No, just that something had come up and that she was taking you boys to the hospital."

It was exactly five minutes later when Mrs. Knight quietly entered the room. The boys read her expression instantly and all collapsed in relief. There were unshed in her eyes. But it wasn't what they had feared. She thanked the principal and they all left the school in silence. Once in the car, Kendall's mom began to explain.

"Boys, you know how Carlos' father has been trying to reach Ryan Mitchell?"

Of course they knew. Carlos Garcia Sr. had been using his position in the police force to track down Logan's absent father in hopes of telling him about the grave condition that his only son was in. Perhaps he would be willing to do something right in his life and be tested to see if a kidney transplant was possible.

"Well." She hesitated. "He found him. He was in a car accident about a half an hour away from the hospital."

Kendall tensed immediately. "What was he doing in LA?" He asked sharply. He realized after that the proper question would be "Is he okay?" but he didn't really care to ask.

"They don't know. But boys," Mrs. Knight pulled into the hospital and turned around to face them. "He was very seriously hurt. He's in the hospital right now and he's. . . he's completely brain dead. The doctors say that it's extremely unlikely he'll survive the night."

A whirlwind of emotions confused Kendall. Was he allowed to be glad that Ryan Mitchell was dying? He would never hurt Logan again. But would Logan be upset when he found out? Did he already know? Kendall didn't know that he had actually spoken the last question out loud until his mother answered him.

"No, Logan hasn't been told yet. The doctors were running some tests and. . ." Mrs. Knight hesitated once again. "They found that Ryan Mitchell is a perfect match for Logan."

* * *

Logan was sound asleep when the three boys walked into his hospital room. A book rested at his side and Carlos picked it up to move it to the night stand. A lump filled his throat when he saw the cover. _The Fellowship of the Ring._ Logan had started the book months ago and had never finished it. When he was healthy he could finish books of the same length in only a week. By the looks of things, he was only halfway through. Carlos glanced at the open page and something stood out to him.

"_Despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not."_

Even though Logan had been the only one to read the books, they had all seen the movies and agreed that Gandalf was the best fictional character ever. Carlos was even more convinced now.

"What's wrong?"

The three boys jumped at Logan's voice. Carlos nearly dropped the book and lost Logan's place. He quickly laid it on the night stand and smiled. "Hi, Logan."

"Hey, yourself." Logan smiled at him. "Happy Birthday, Carlos."

"Thanks." Carlos laughed nervously and Logan frowned.

"Not that I mind you being here since it's really boring but why are you here when school is still going on?" His eyes widened in concern. "Did something happen? Is everything okay?" When his questions were met with only silence, Logan struggled to sit up. "What happened?" He asked, his voice rising in panic.

"Logan, everything's okay." Kendall put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Calm down, okay?" He felt guilty for lying. Logan's father was dying and he had no idea how his friend would react. "Listen-"

To his relief, Kendall was interrupted by Doctor Walsh, Mrs. Knight, Carlos' father, and a strange doctor walking into the room. "Boys, this is David Matthews, a surgeon here at the hospital." Doctor Walsh introduced them all. "And of course you all know Carlos' father." Mr. Garcia greeted the boys with a hug and wrapped an arm around his son's shoulder. He hadn't seen the boys in weeks and they had all changed so much. Kendall and James looked weary and sad. Logan looked like he was fading away even as he greeted the newcomers with his trademark smile. His own son was leaning into his one armed hug like it was too much effort to stand on his own.

"What's going on?" Logan asked nervously when all the introductions had been made. Carlos' father was dressed in his police uniform and everyone wore matching expressions of solemness on their faces.

Mr. Garcia cleared his throat. "Logan, for the past three weeks I've been trying to track down your father. I'm not sure how you feel about him but we were hoping he could help you out."

"This is about my kidneys isn't is? I already told you that I'm not taking a kidney from a perfectly healthy person. . ." Logan's voice trailed off as everything began to fall into place. "It's my dad isn't it?" He whispered. "Something happened."

"I'm sorry, Logan." Carlos' father uses his free hand, the one that isn't holding his own son, to touch Logan gently on the shoulder. "Your father was in a car accident about an hour and a half ago."

Logan stared at him. "Oh." He struggled to find more words. "Is he okay?" The question surprises him because it's obvious what the answer is.

Sure enough, Doctor Matthews stepped forward. "Your father suffered a tremendous blow to the head. I'm afraid that there is no brain activity. We've done everything we can but it's very unlikely he'll survive the night."

Logan absorbed the news in silence. He felt confused. After his father left him again he had no desire to ever see him again. But that didn't mean that he wanted him to _die_. He felt sorrow sweep over him because as much as he had hurt him, Ryan Mitchell had been the last biological relative. He was technically an orphan. He was reminded of his mother too. She had died the same way. Logan rubbed the jagged scar on his hand. He had lost both of his parents the same way. The worst part was that the microscopic hope that he had kept secret, the hope that there was still a chance for their damaged relationship to be saved, was now gone.

"Logan?"

He wasn't eve aware that he was crying until Mrs. Knight sat down next to him and wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into her arms. The embrace offered a comfort that only a mother could give. Something that Logan had gone far too long without.

Kendall was lost. Sadness at seeing Logan hurt yet again battled with the violent disapproval he felt toward Logan's reaction to the news of his father. He shouldn't be grieving for the man who nearly killed him.

Next to Kendall, James felt his anger at Mr. Mitchell fading. It was hard to be mad at someone who was technically dead. The only anger that remained was pretty unreasonable seeing as how Ryan Mitchell actually couldn't help it this time. James was angry at him for dying and upsetting Logan all over again.

Carlos leaned into his own father's embrace, half afraid that he might been taken from him too. He hadn't know what to expect when Logan was told the news. When he first heard it himself, his first thought had been that Logan might very well get a new kidney and maybe, just maybe, improve. He had even thought of it as a birthday present. Now, as he watched Logan cry over his father yet again, Carlos felt guilty for celebrating something that hurt his best friend.

"Sweetie, listen." Mrs. Knight pulled away and stroked Logan's hair before speaking to him seriously. "There's nothing the doctors can do for your father. But they might be able to help you now."

"I don't. . . I don't understand." Logan said in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Doctor Matthews cleared his throat and spoke up. "We ran some tests Logan and consulted with Doctor Walsh." He nodded to the other doctor. "We found that your father is a compatible donor for you."

Logan's jaw dropped. "You're kidding. You tell me that my dad is practically dead and then tell me that I can have one of his kidneys? He's not even totally dead right now!"

"Yes, but Logan there is _nothing_ we can do to save him. He's gone." Doctor Matthews said gently. "But we cal still save you. You just have to let us."

**A/N. Ahem. Well, what can I say? Review? Prepare for even more angst ahead in the next chapter? Yes.**


	40. Wait

**A/N. One good thing about being sick is that I can just write a bunch. But ugh. My throat feels like I swallowed sandpaper. Anyway, enough of me complaining. Thanks for all of the amazing reviews. You guys are simply the best. I don't own anything. Read on.**

"Are you nervous?" James sat on the edge of Logan's bed, his eyes riveted on his friend. He couldn't tear his gaze away even if a bomb went off in the next room over. His own stomach was tight with anxiety as they waited for the doctors to return.

Logan was staring up at the ceiling, clearly trying to relax. He took a deep breath and let it out, closing his eyes as he did so. "Yeah." He whispered. "I don't really know what to expect, you know?" His eyes darted around the room, to James, to Kendall, to Carlos, and back to the ceiling because he couldn't stand to see the naked fear in his friends' eyes.

"Thank you, Logan." James said softly. "I know this is probably really hard for you but we're all really glad that you decided to go through with the surgery." He tried to smile but failed miserably. He was scared. So utterly terrified. He wondered if it was possibly he could have a heart attack at eighteen years old. The terror that gripped them all was nearly suffocating.

It took Logan a little while before he could form a proper response to James' thanks. His father was dead. As much as that hurt him he knew that there was no use in refusing a perfectly good kidney. He was doing it for his friends as much as he was doing it for himself though. Realistically, the surgery was his last chance and Doctor Walsh wasn't even certain he was strong enough to make it through. But when the alternative was death anyway, it made sense to take the risk. "Me too." He finally answered. Okay, so it wasn't any words of wisdom but Logan was comforted to see the shadows in James' eyes life just slightly.

"When are they coming?" Kendall asked. He knew that the doctors would be returning soon and though he wanted them to help Logan as soon as possible, he knew that during the four hour surgery, he, James, and Carlos wouldn't be able to be with Logan. They would be confined to a private waiting room while they waited in helpless agony.

Logan glanced at the clock on the night stand. "Any minute now. How are you guys holding up?" He asked in concern.

"We're okay." Kendall said, speaking for all of them. It was the most obvious thing in the world that Kendall was lying. He didn't even bother to hide the shame in his voice when he spoke up. James and Carlos remained perfectly silent.

Logan bit his lip and searched for a way to ease their anxiety in any way. "Did you know that they don't remove the bad kidney? They just put the transplanted one right with your other two." He smiled wryly. "Imagine the coroner cutting you open and seeing that you have not two, but three kidneys." He had no idea where the words came from but the instant he spoke them, he regretted opening his mouth.

Kendall and James stared at him in a kind of morbid fascination mixed with absolute horror. Carlos had jerked out of his trance-like state but then retreated farther into himself.

"Guys, I'm sorry." Logan fumbled for an apology that would take the sting away from his huge blunder. "I didn't mean to say that, really. It just sort of came out."

"But you were thinking it." Carlos finally spoke up, his voice filled with such fear and sadness that Logan wished he could pretend the last five minutes hadn't happened.

"Maybe." He admitted because he knew that they would catch his lie like he had caught Kendall's lie. "But that doesn't mean anything."

"It means," Carlos broke in, the words full of pain. "That you think you're going to die."

It had occurred to Logan that he could easily die on the operating table. This might be the last time he ever saw his friends and he was hurting them. They were arguing. "Carlos," He began. "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I don't want to be negative. Who knows? The surgery could go perfectly. I might be wrong."

"But that's just it." Carlos said sadly. "You're never wrong."

The silence that followed was heavy. Kendall and James were watching Carlos and Logan like they were at a tennis match and their words were the ball. Back and forth, back and forth. Now, they sat and waited for Logan.

Logan could only shake his head. "Carlos, that's ridiculous. I'm wrong all the time."

"Not when it counts." Carlos could hear a voice in his head telling him to calm down and take a deep breath. But he continued to fire back at Logan in the hope that his genius friend could come up with an explanation that would convince him that everything would turn out all right. "You're always right when it really matters, Logan."

The scary thing about Carlos' statement, was that it was true. All of them knew it. But another thing about Logan was that when it really counted, was that he stepped up when the others were down and had an answer. So James, Kendall, and Carlos were surprised when he smiled slightly. "Well," He said in the know-it-all voice that they missed so badly. "There's a first time for everything."

Before any of them could respond, the door opened and a team of doctors walked in with Mrs. Knight and Katie. Kendall's little sister was white-faced and crying as she held tightly to her mother's hand. But when they walked into the room she let go to cross the room and hug her adopted brother. She didn't know what was going to happen. All she knew was that Logan's last chance could kill him just as easily as save his life.

"Ready, Logan?" Doctor Matthews tried to sound reassuring but the likelihood of Logan dying was greater than his chances of survival. He wasn't about to tell his friends that though. They needed whatever hope they could get their hands on.

"As ready as I'll ever be." Logan forced a shaky smile. His response was probably the most cliched it could ever be but it worked well enough.

Mrs. Knight struggled against the tears that were in her eyes and gave Logan one last hug. She kissed him gently on the forehead and looked at him fondly. "We'll be waiting for you, okay?" When he nodded she very reluctantly let go of him and stepped out of the room with Katie to let the boys say their goodbyes. The doctors, taking the hint, followed them.

"So." Kendall said The panic he had felt earlier in the day had dulled. But now it was clawing it's way back and he had a difficult time hiding it. He decided then to throw away all pretense that he was fine. In one smooth motion he had drawn Logan into a firm embrace. He had been thrilled when Logan agreed to accept his father's kidney. But now that the time had come for Logan to go into surgery Kendall wasn't so sure he could let him go that easily.

James felt physically sick and dizzy with fear. He stumbled over to Logan as soon as Kendall stepped away and hugged his friend to him because it was the only way he could see straight. He ignored the fact that he could have easily wrapped one arm around Logan's entire waist and used both arms to hold his friend to him.

Carlos was the last and he more or less fell into Logan's hug. The control that had been slipping all day long was finally lost. He didn't want to let go because he knew that the end could be near. What if next time he saw Logan he was-

"It'll be okay."

Three words stopped Carlos' thoughts in their tracks. Three words suddenly gave his control new life. Because whether he was stupid or not, he believed Logan.

* * *

Kendall stared at the overhead clock in the private waiting room and thought of what his grandmother used to say when he watched the oven in anticipation for her chocolate chip cookies to finish baking. "A watched pot never boils." He never understood why she talked about pots boiling when he was waiting for cookies but finally his mother explained to him that it meant that time seemed to slow down when all you did was sit around and wait. But what else were they supposed to do? He looked around the room.

It was painfully obvious to him that the designers of the room had been trying to convey one thing: Comfort. The room had a homey feel to it with the slightly mis-matching furniture and the books and magazines on the wooden bookshelf. There was even a TV with a _Playstation 3_ hooked up to it. The radio was turned on to a classic rock station. Kendall could just make out the melodic strains of the Beatles' _'Let it Be'_. Were radio DJ's psychic? The attempt at creating a comforting atmosphere had failed because they tried to hard. It would have been better if they had been more subtle. But the room screamed, "Relax!" so loudly that it was impossible to do so.

Kendall laid his head down on his mother's should and felt her arm tighten around his shoulders. Julie had stopped by on her way off her volunteer shift to take Katie to meet Stephanie, Jo, and Camille. Kendall knew that his sister was better off in a more natural atmosphere with the other girls than she would be with them. But he missed his little sister.

James had been staring at a _Rolling Stones_ magazine for the past hour. He still hadn't made it past the first page. In fact, as Kendall looked at him now, he was actually slowly tearing the page into tiny pieces and letting them drop to the floor. He clearly had no idea what he was doing and Kendall was afraid to break him out of his daze. Maybe he was better off half aware of his surroundings.

Kendall was absolutely certain that the only thing holding Carlos together was Mr. Garcia's presence. The police officer was a huge, muscular man but even then Kendall could see his friend falling apart. He had only just recently realized that Logan wasn't the only one suffering so much. They were each being slowly destroyed in different ways.

Kendall himself never knew what to say or do anymore. He questioned his leadership ability now that they had been faced with a serious situation. He was supposed to have all the answers but now all he had was questions.

James didn't care about anything anymore. His two hour morning routine had changed into a five minute routine which involved running his lucky comb carelessly through his hair and then washing his face and brushing his teeth. James had once been so passionate about everything but now he had settled for apathy. The only time he ever should a glimpse of his old self was when they were with Logan.

Kendall was afraid for Carlos the most besides Logan. Carlos was the happy one. Or, he was supposed to be happy. But his infectious grin had disappeared and sometimes went for days without making an appearance. It it's place was a haunted, ghostly look. He was an entirely different person. He was no longer the happy-go-lucky "baby" of the four. He had aged since Logan's diagnosis. They couldn't protect him anymore. Kendall was afraid that if they did end up losing Logan, then Carlos wouldn't be too far behind.

James had decided that the U.S. was wrong to enter the Vietnam War. But not for any reason that was completely sensible. Because as he sat in silence and waited he decided that war was just plain wrong. So many young men and women went overseas to fight for their country and never came back. Wasn't there enough heartache in the world? Why were people constantly creating more for themselves? James had also decided that the human race was beyond screwed up and he didn't understand it at all.

He glanced down at the mess of shredded paper at his feet and wondered if the doctors would be mad at him for wrecking a magazine. Still, it was two years old. Why did waiting rooms always stock their reading supplies with old magazines?

He was going crazy. James was certain of it. He looked around the room. Surely, it wouldn't come as a surprise to the doctors if he started screaming and throwing things around the room. There was a faint mark on the wall and James was somehow convinced that it had come from someone throwing something over there. Waiting rooms were designed to make people go insane. And then the doctors would ship them off to mental institutions where they were paid money for each new patient.

Absurd. He was being absurd. Rationality was a thing of the past. His mind was racing everywhere and he didn't know how to stop it so he just let it run. It worked as a distraction. Logan's father was dead. Officially. His various organs had been donated to other patients around the hospital. And although James was eternally grateful for the kidney that might very well save Logan's life, he couldn't help wondering about the poor person out there who got stuck with what had passed as Ryan Mitchell's heart.

It had been four hours. Carlos checked the clock again. It told him the same story. Four hours. Where were the doctors? Shouldn't they be coming into the room now and telling them that the surgery had been a complete success and that Logan was on the road to recovery? What was taking them so long? He tried telling himself that it had _just_ been_ exactly_ four hours. The doctors deserved a little more time. After all they had to walk out of the OR and down the halls and into the waiting room. They would probably be stopped on the way by some colleagues unaware of the small group that had been waiting for those four hours. And sine they were doctors they would need to wash their hands a bunch of times. Carlos had seen an earlier episode of _ER _on time. Peter Benton was showing the new guy. John Carter, how he should wash his hands. It was a pretty involved process.

He sat there making up various excuses for the doctors' tardiness and it worked until he looked up at the clock yet again to see that another full hour had passed. Five hours. His throat dried up in fear. What was taking so long? Something had happened. He knew it. The surgery was dangerous and even the most skilled doctor could make a fatal error. A slight miscalculation, a slip of a hand, everything had to be perfect and if it wasn't then someone always paid. Carlos went from imagining the doctors washing their hands to standing over Logan's dead body wondering how to tell them that their best hadn't been good enough for Logan.

Carlos had changed his mind. Last week he had told Kendall that it made perfectly good sense that God wanted Logan back. He still believed that. But he had also believed that he could let Logan go. He deserved it. He deserved a life without pain or worry or heartbreak. But Carlos couldn't let him go just yet. When faced with the awful truth, Carlos wasn't so sure he could ever let him go.

The door opened and Carlos shot to his feet only to have his legs crumble beneath him. He tore himself away from his father's grasp and flung himself at the doctor. He vaguely registered that Kendall and James were right by his side and he unleashed a torrent of questions.

"What happened? Did it work? Does the kidney work? Is Logan okay? Is he awake? Can we see him now? What took so long? Is something wrong?"

Doctor Matthews and Doctor Walsh were both there. The looked incredibly weary and they just waited until Carlos ran out of questions before speaking. As the surgeon in charge of Logan's transplant surgery, Doctor Matthews spoke first. "The surgery went as well as can be expected." He said, rubbing a hand over his eyes. "Logan is asleep right now, still under the influence of the drugs we gave him. He'll be in a lot of pain when he wakes up though. As for the success of the surgery we won't know for a couple more weeks to see if the kidney works."

"But. . ." Kendall stared at him. "You said that it was a perfect match." He accused. "Why wouldn't it work."

Doctor Walsh took control of the conversation. "Yes, but we can never be one hundred percent positive with these things. Logan's body could still reject the new kidney. It's a waiting game right now."

James was so tired of waiting. He wasn't sure how much longer he could hold on. He sank back down into his chair. What if all of this had been for nothing? It was Logan's last chance. If this didn't work, nothing would. They would lose him. Had all their hope been for nothing?

"The good news is that the surgery did go smoothly." Doctor Walsh reminded them. "I wasn't sure that Logan was strong enough to endure it but he's proved me wrong once again. We can only wait and see if it was enough."

"Can we see him now please?" James' voice was thick with tears. He hadn't known just how bad things were until now. Logan wasn't even supposed to have survived the surgery. He should have been relieved and proud that he did but all he could think of was that Logan should be dead. And that he could still die. Because though the kidney was a perfect match, Logan's body might reject it after all.

"Yes, of course." Doctor Walsh assured him gently. "Come with me please." He led them a different way, away from Logan's old room, to the ICU which James knew stood for Intensive Care Unit ever since they brought Logan in on James' birthday.

Logan's new room was bigger and quieter. There were a lot more machines surrounding him. He looked smaller somehow. Paler. James took comfort in the fact that his chest was rising steadily on it's own taking deep breaths of life giving air. But there was something different about Logan too. His skin had a grayish cast to it and the machines around him only added to James' fear that Logan wasn't quite as well off as he looked.

"Hey, Logan." Carlos was the first to move forward to Logan's side. He sat down and gently touched Logan on the hand as if he was afraid he might accidentally break him. He looked at the doctor standing in the door way. "He looks pretty bad." He said in a tiny voice. "Are you sure he's okay?" Even when the doctors nodded their heads and assured him that Logan was stable he wasn't too sure. To him, Logan looked like he was dead.

Kendall stepped in between James and Carlos and put a hand on Carlos' shoulder. "He looks pretty good to me." At first he was wondering if he had imagined it but James and his mother both nodded.

Carlos shook his head. "I don't know." He said slowly. If everything was all right then why did he have the sinking feeling that this was just the calm before the storm?

**A/N. Angst is fun to write. I hope that you all liked this chapter. Please review and keep me motivated and writing!**


	41. Losing

**A/N. Tissue Warning.**

Twenty-four hours is the entire length of a day. A lot can happen in that period off time. But everyone was unprepared for what happened to Logan within the first twenty-four hours after the surgery. By morning, he had developed a dangerous fever and despite the doctors' repeated attempt to bring it down it only climbed steadily higher until he had slipped into a coma.

"He's still running a high fever." Doctor Walsh said with a frown. He scanned his clipboard once again then raised his worried gaze to Logan.

"What does that mean?" Mrs. Knight asked nervously. She looked around the room. Camille was on one side of Logan's bed with Stephanie, Jo, and Julie. Katie sat next to he at the foot of the bed and Kendall, Carlos, and James were crowded together on the other side. At the doctor's words, they all looked up in alarm.

Doctor Walsh ran a hand through his graying hair. "It means that he probably developed an infection during the surgery and he's not strong enough to fight it."

"Isn't there anything you can do?" Camille didn't take her eyes off Logan's pale face. He was oblivious to what was going on around him. She gently brushed a strand of hair away from his closed eyes with a shaking hand.

"Right now we're going to try to bring his fever down." Doctor Walsh told them. "That's about all we can do right now. That, and hope for the best." He realized how hopeless and even cynical his words sounded to his own ears. But he was running out of optimism where Logan was concerned. They had done just about everything they could do and nothing was working. He was getting steadily worse as time went on. Logan was a fighter but Doctor Walsh doubted he could fight for much longer.

Katie stared at the doctor with wide eyes. For so long he had been their knight in shinning armor riding to their rescue. He kept their spirits up with encouraging news and words about Logan. But now, even he appeared to be giving up. She turned back to watch Logan. Just yesterday, after his surgery, Logan had already seemed better. At least, that's what everyone but Carlos had thought. Carlos had been wary from the beginning and unwilling to trust that things might be improving. And right now he was the only one whose raised hopes weren't being smashed. But that didn't mean he wasn't suffering as well.

"There must be something you can do though." Carlos suddenly pleaded. Although he had been afraid since yesterday, he wasn't prepared for his fears to be confirmed. "I mean, more. It doesn't seem like you're doing enough."

"Carlos-" Kendall put a hand on his arm and tried to stop him before he got any further.

But Carlos jerked out of Kendall's grasp. "No! Doctor Walsh, nothing you've done has been enough. You're a bunch of doctors for crying out loud. You're supposed to be helping him. Nothing has worked so try something else. You can't just sit back and wait for things to change."

"We aren't." Doctor Walsh said calmly. "Carlos, I know this is hard to believe right now but we are doing everything in our power to save Logan. But. . . but we can't save everyone. You all need to know that. In all honesty, Logan should already be dead. I've never had a patient quite like him. But his body had been getting weaker and weaker the past month and it can't fight as easily as it used to."

"So you're giving up?" Carlos asked, with tears blurring his eyesight. "Just like that?"

"Carlos, no." Doctor Walsh said firmly. "I promise you that we'll keep fighting for Logan. But he needs to fight to and his body is wearing out. We can fight all we want with medication and such. Logan can only fight so much before his body just gives out." He hesitated. "You need to be prepared."

What he was saying made perfect sense. But Carlos didn't want to accept any of it. He didn't want to accept that Logan's body was giving up the fight. They could only fight for him so much but it really came down to him in the end. And the cancer was winning. He forgot that everyone else was there as he turned back around to face Logan.

"Logan, don't listen to them. You're going to be fine okay. You just have to fight a little while longer. Please. Just hang on. We. . . we can't lose you, Logan. We need you here, Logan. It won't make sense if we lose you now after all we've been through." Tear rolled uncontrollably down his face and his body jerked wildly with sobs. "I know that you're tired, Logan but you have to fight. I promise I'll do anything."

If only Logan could hear him. But his face was perfectly still, showing no sign of hearing his friend's desperate pleas. Kendall and James managed to calm Carlos down to the point where he merely sat by the bed, shaking violently while tears continued to stream down his face. He wanted so badly to shake Logan until he woke up but he knew that it would only make things worse.

Stephanie and the other girls turned away from the heartbreaking scene. Kendall and James were trying so hard to be strong for Carlos who had at last come completely undone but seeing their happy-go-lucky friend in the state he was only made it worse. Stephanie herself didn't even recognize her boyfriend anymore. He was broken and nothing she could do would heal him. Right now the only thing that would help them would be Logan waking up. Or at least his fever going down. But it didn't seem very likely that any of that would ever happen.

Suddenly, Camille let out a choked sob and ran from the room. She couldn't bear the room anymore. It only brought back memories of the time spent in the hospital with her father. She recalled seeing him fade bit by bit until there was nothing left. And now it was happening to Logan. But Logan was only eighteen and somehow it seemed so much worse that way. Her father had been young when he died but he had graduated from college, married, and had a daughter. He had lived a full life despite the shortness of it. Logan would never do any of these things without a miracle.

Silently, Jo, Julie, and Stephanie got up and followed their friend. They felt like they were witnessing something far too personal anyway with the boys and Mrs. Knight and Katie.

They were losing Logan. After months of raised hopes and then having them constantly dashed away, they were losing him. The doctors had done all they could. It was up to Logan now. Kendall kept one arm wrapped tightly around Carlos while the other hand rested limply on his knee. This could not be happening. It had to be some sick, horrible nightmare. Surely, Logan had some fight left in him. But it was impossible to tell when Logan wasn't even aware of them.

"He lied." Carlos sobbed suddenly.

"What?" James was the first to respond mostly because he was so relieved to hear Carlos speak again. "Carlos, what did you say?"

"Logan lied." Carlos said quietly. "He said. . . he said that everything would be okay. Don't you remember? Right before the surgery, he looked right at all of us and said that everything would be okay. But it's not okay. He's dying and if he does die nothing will ever be okay again."

"Carlos," James searched for words to comfort his friend. "Carlos, it will be okay eventually. I promise you. We'll have each other."

Carlos could only shake his head. "You don't know that." He said sadly. "What if you guys die too? What if there's a car accident or a fire or-"

"Stop." Kendall begged. "Carlos, you can't think that way. That's no way to go through life, thinking that you're going to lose everyone who's important to you. And we might not lose Logan." He added the last as one more desperate attempt to keep Carlos with them but he didn't even believe it himself.

It worked though. Carlos quieted down and sat in silence. There was a small comfort sitting between James and Kendall who were both holding on so tightly that he couldn't help but relax. He caught the doubt in Kendall's voice when he said that there was still a chance for Logan but he ignored it. Kendall was right. There was still a chance even though it was so small that none of them could see it. There was always hope until the end.

But in the next minute, Carlos was sure that the end had come and all hope had been killed. Because suddenly, in the blink of an eye, Logan simply stopped breathing on his own. It had happened quickly. One minute his chest was rising and falling with a weak but steady rhythm and the next, Doctor Walsh had suddenly shoved past the boys and was yelling for help.

The boys couldn't move. Carlos watched in horror as Logan's face took on a blueish tinge to it as his body was deprived of the oxygen it needed. James felt his own chest constrict and he had to gasp for breath while he and his friends were suddenly pushed off to the side to make room for more doctors. Kendall stared as a pair of doctors rushed in with an oxygen tank and then cried out aloud when another one began chest compressions on Logan's still form.

"Get the paddles! He's crashing!" Doctor Walsh barked out orders as he began to breath for Logan. "Come on kid, don't do it. Not now. Not this way." He looked up and winced to see that the three boys were still in the room. They were frozen where they stood. Their faces were white with fear and their eyes were round in disbelief. "Get them out of here." He said to one of the other doctors. "They should have to see this."

His words caught Kendall's attention and he came to life. "No!" He pleaded as a man gently took his arm and began to led him away. "No please, let us stay. You can't make us leave." He struggled against the doctor's iron grip. "Please." But his words and struggled did nothing against the strong arms that pulled him further and further away. They were met by Katie and Mrs. Knight and he fell into his mother's arm, sobbing.

James stared looking into the room as the doctors set the paddles up. He felt dizzy when it hit him that they were trying to restart Logan's heart. Logan couldn't die this way, with a bunch of strange men pulling and jerking his body around like he was nothing but a rag doll.

"Clear!"

Logan's body jerked unnaturally as the paddles shocked him but the heart monitor continued it's awful flat beep.

"Clear!"

"Come on, Logan." James whispered. "Please don't leave us now." Tears swam in his eyes until his view of the room was completely blurred. He slid down onto the floor and listened. There was a brief silence then a loud crash as Doctor Walsh flung a tray of medical tools. His voice was weary when he spoke again.

"Time of death, 1:34pm."

Carlos felt his body go rigid with shock when he heard the words. Next to him Katie and Mrs. Knight had burst into tears but Kendall had stopped crying and only stared blankly at the wall, his eyes wide in disbelief. James had his hands clapped over his ears like stopping the words from registering would take away what had just happened.

Doctor Walsh came out of the room looking like he had aged ten years in the past five minutes. He took in the small group and sighed. "I'm so sorry." He said because it was all he could say. No words would take away the pain. He and his colleagues had tried their best but their best hadn't been good enough.

Carlos was the first to look at the doctor. His eyes were filled with such unimaginable pain that Doctor Walsh had trouble holding his gaze. "But," The boy began, his voice full of confusion and grief. "We never got to say goodbye."

**A/N. I have no idea what I'm supposed to say here. This chapter broke my heart to write. Read and review?**


	42. Choice

**A/N. It's getting to the point where I can't really say anything here except grab tissues, I don't own anything, and read on. This chapter is really important to me so I hope you all like it. I'm posting it now because of the incredible reviews I received for the previous chapter.**

Logan had the strangest feeling that he was floating in mid-air. He opened his eyes, hoping to see someone that might explain the phenomena. But instead of waking up to see James, Carlos, and Kendall in the white hospital room, he found that he was indeed floating. In space.

"Oh crap." He whispered to himself. It was obvious that he was either in a coma or hallucinating. He tried to imagine what everyone was thinking at that moment. There were probably really worried about him right now. He sighed and pinched himself, hoping that it would jolt him out of the insane dream. Nothing. He felt nothing.

"That won't work here."

Logan spun around to see a strange man all dressed in white. He was kind of glowing which only freaked Logan out even more. "Who are you?" He sputtered, trying to stay calm. Panicking wasn't the best thing he could do right now. His body had been weakened by the surgery and any stress might-

"How are you feeling?" The man asked, ignoring Logan's question.

"What? How am I feeling?" Logan repeated in utter confusion. He waited for the stranger to elaborate but only received a nod in return. But it was then that he realized something. For the first time in months he was entirely pain free. He felt as good as he had before he was diagnosed with the cancer. Better even. There was no pain, no fatigue, and despite the fact that he appeared to be floating around in space with some guy he had never even seen before, Logan felt calm and at peace. "I feel. . . great. Amazing actually." If this was a dream then it was the best dream he had ever had.

The man smiled gently. "You look well." He gestured to a lighter patch of space. "Would you like to see for yourself?"

Logan peered cautiously at the spot the man had pointed out. He gasped when he saw himself. He was dressed in regular clothes but that was not what had startled him. The pale color of his skin was gone and he was no longer refugee skinny. He looked normal. Like he had never been sick. "What happened?" He asked in disbelief as he did a double take. When there was no answer he spun around to look at his companion.

The stranger's face had saddened and he put a gentle hand on Logan's shoulder. Though Logan had always been uncomfortable with close contact, even with people he had known all his life, he didn't pull away. "Your body gave up." He said simply.

Suddenly, Logan felt sick. "Gave up?" He asked numbly. "You mean. . . I'm dead? I died?"

The man nodded. "Your body wasn't as strong as your mind. It could no longer fight the disease."

"But how?" Logan asked, feeling dizzy. "I thought everything was going well. The last thing I remember is going in for the surgery. What happened?"

"The surgery went well but the next morning you were stricken by a fever. A very high fever. You quickly slipped into a coma and that afternoon your heart simply stopped beating. The doctors tried to bring you back but it was of no use. You were gone." The man watched Logan carefully while he explained everything. "My name is Daniel. I need to tell some very important things before anything else happens."

Logan's mind was racing. He was dead. Is this what happened when you died? He wondered then what happened to people who were tripped out on drugs. Could it get any stranger? "What about. . . what about my friends?" He finally asked.

Daniel shook his head. "Patience, my young friend. All will be revealed. Sit down. What I have to tell you now may be difficult to understand. When I'm finished, you will be faced with a the hardest choice you will ever have to make."

Logan obeyed him automatically. He found it weird that he was sitting on nothing but empty space but he focused his attention on Daniel. "What is it?"

Daniel swept an arm over to Logan's left. Logan followed the movement and watched as a window opened up revealing a beautiful scenery. A large, green meadow was sprawled out before him. Flowers of all the colors of the rainbow dotted the meadow and a waterfall completed the magnificent view.

"It's beautiful." He said breathlessly. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and his heart ached to go there. Then his eyes widened when he saw that the meadow was not unoccupied. A dark-haired woman was sitting by the waterfall. A bouquet of flowers rested by her side and she was reading. "Daniel." Logan choked out. "That's. . . that's my mother." He struggled to his feet and without thinking started to walk towards his mother. But he only managed a few steps before his feet wouldn't move any further. "Hey! Why can't I go to her?" He turned back to Daniel.

"You haven't made you choice yet." Daniel explained. "And you cannot make your choice until you see both options." With those words he motioned with his other arm to the right. Again, Logan followed the motion.

If the meadow was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen then the other window opened up to the most horrible scene he could have ever imagined. He saw his hospital room with his friends and adoptive mother and little sister gathered around his own still form. Both Mrs. Knight and Katie were sobbing as they held onto each other. Kendall was simply staring at him. There were dried tears on his face but his face was filled with grief. James was crying harder than Logan had ever seen anybody cry, his shoulder jerking up and down violently with sobs. Carlos had one of Logan's lifeless hands in both of his own. He was whispering over and over again and tears streamed silently down his face. "Logan, please wake up. Don't do this. Please."

Logan turned away from the scene and felt his own eyes fill up with tears. "Can't you do something?" He pleaded to Daniel. "Can't you take some of their pain away? It's not right. No one should have to hurt that badly."

Daniel's face was solemn. "They are grieving. Everyone will grieve at some point in their lives. They lost someone who meant a great deal to them."

"But." Logan began in desperation. "Please. There must be something you can do. Anything."

"I myself cannot help them." Daniel said slowly and Logan's heart sank. "But you can."

"How?" Logan demanded.

"That is the choice you will have to make." Daniel responded.

"You keep talking about this choice that I have to make." Logan said. "But you haven't told me what it is yet."

Daniel stood up and pointed to the window with Logan's mother. "Your choice Logan, is this. You can either go onto your mother and live for all of eternity with her in complete happiness. . ." He trailed off and he nodded to the other window. "Or you can go back."

"Go back?" Logan said in disbelief. "But you said that I died." He pointed to his own dead body on the hospital bed. "The doctors haven't even put me on life support. There's no chance. . . I mean it's been too long. I've already been here for what, ten minutes?" He shook his head. "It's too late."

Daniel smiled and shook his head. "Logan, knowledge is a powerful thing. But it can only carry you so far. There comes a time when the answers you have are wrong." He went on before Logan could say anything. "Time has passed here but there it has only been a few seconds. Even though you see them grieving for you by the time you make your choice it will have only been a minute or two. And depending on what you decide the time won't matter anyway."

"I don't understand." Logan said helplessly. "You're saying that I can go back there and be perfectly okay?"

Daniel shook his head. "No, Logan. You will still have to fight the cancer inside of you. But you will be given a second chance at life."

"So what you're saying." Logan began slowly. "Is that I can move on to. . . Heaven and live with my mom with no pain or anything from the cancer." He watched as Daniel nodded encouragingly. "Or I can go back there and deal with it all over again and I could still die?" Daniel nodded again. "What kind of choice is that?" He asked in disbelief. "That's not a fair choice. Teenagers should not have to make decisions like this. No one should."

"And yet, here you are." Daniel said placidly.

Logan turned to stare at the beautiful meadow. "Can my mom hear me?" He asked in a whisper.

"No. She is not aware of you at all." Daniel told him gently. "She will only see and hear you if you decide to go on to her. If not. . ." He looked at Logan to complete his sentence.

"She doesn't know I'm here." Logan said quietly. "Does she know everything that's happened?"

"If you choose to go to her then you will become as unaware as she is." Daniel answered.

Logan switched his gaze back to his friends. "So, I won't know how much they're hurting if I go to her?"

Daniel shook his head. "No. Suffering and the knowledge of a loved one's suffering will be left where you are right now. You do not bring them with you."

"I miss her." Logan said as he watched his mother. "I miss her so much. I miss being able to talk to her and I miss her smile. I miss everything about her. I miss her every day. It hurts when I see kids with their moms. I get so angry sometimes. Why do they get to keep their mom and I don't?"

"You'll have her forever if you choose to." Daniel reminded him.

Logan laughed shakily. "Yeah, but I'm leaving behind so much. I don't want them to hurt the way they are right now."

"With time, it'll get easier for them." Daniel told him. "It will be a great deal of time before they are able to move on though."

"What will. . . what will happen to them all?" Logan asked, afraid to hear the answer.

Daniel shook his head. "I'm afraid that I cannot tell you very much. Carlos will struggle the most. He will deal with depression for quite sometime. James will go through a period of denial and rebellion and pull away from the others for a brief time. Kendall will try to hold them together but it won't be easy. Needless to say they will all move back to Minnesota and leave their relationships behind."

"Relationships." Logan repeated. "What will happen to Camille?"

At that Daniel smiled. "Camille is stronger than you give her credit for, Logan. She will be what brings your friends back together. But all of this will happen only if you decide to move on rather than go back. It's up to you."

Logan looked longingly at his mother. "Can I. . . can I please talk to her? Just for a few minutes?"

Daniel shook his head sympathetically. "No, Logan. This is what I meant by the choice being a difficult one to make."

Tears filled Logan's eyes. On one side of him, his mother was there, waiting for him even though she had no idea what was going on. If he went there he would never suffer again and he wouldn't even be aware of his friends' suffering. On the other side of him, were his friends and they were hurting so badly that Logan himself hurt to watch them. If he went there, they might be happy and he might be alive but for how long? What if it didn't last? What if he came back only to leave them again? Wouldn't that hurt them worse? What was the point of coming back to fill them with joy only to hurt them all over again? "I. . . I don't know." He cried out. "Daniel, isn't there an easier way?"

But Daniel only shook his head again. "I'm sorry, Logan. I cannot help you anymore. The choice is yours alone."

Logan really wished that Daniel would stop saying the word "choice". It only made everything worse. One option led to joy and beauty and the other led to pain and heartache and _maybe eventually _healing. But Logan was tired of uncertainty. If he went to his mother he would never have to worry about feeling uncertain ever again.

That was selfish though. After all he had been through, his friends had never left his side and now he was making the choice to leave theirs. Simply because it was easier for him that way.

At the same time it didn't seem right that he, Logan Mitchell got a second chance at life if he wanted it. Millions of people died every day and left loved ones behind. What made him so special? And since he was given the option of a second choice, would it be wrong to refuse it because it might lead to more pain?

Logan felt like pulling his hair out. "I don't know what to do." He said desperately.

Daniel smiled. "What does your heart tell you, Logan?"

If there was a cornier thing for him to say, Logan dearly hoped he didn't. What a cliché. But he realized that all the time he had been floating around in space with Daniel, he had only been listening to the hundreds of voices in his head screaming and him to go forward or go back. To stay or go. He ran a hand through his hair and tried to listen to his heart without thinking of Grandmother Willow in Pocahontas singing that ridiculous song.

And yet, maybe it wasn't so ridiculous. Because suddenly, Logan _did_ understand. And it made the descion easier. He glanced back at his friends and his heart ached so badly that he nearly cried. They were strong. Whatever happened they would make it through. They would always have each other. He looked at his mother and smiled because he knew for the first time in twelve years that she was perfectly happy. He couldn't wait to see her. He looked up at Daniel. "Okay." He said, taking a deep breath. "I'm ready."

Daniel smiled and nodded. "You have chosen wisely, Logan." He said gently. He stepped forward and drew Logan into a hug. "Go on then."

Logan nodded and took another deep breath before taking a step forward.

**A/N. Let me just say that author's notes are really hard to write when a story has reached a point like this. Read and review and I'll update as soon as possible. Thank you for all of your amazing support throughout this story. You guys are the best.**


	43. Miracle

**A/N. I think I've exhausted the world's tissue supply. Yup. Just used my last one. Oh well. I don't own anything. All is well is true 'BTR' world. Comfort yourselves with that. Read on.**

When the boys were seven they were given an assignment in art class to draw a large heart on a piece of paper and fill it with everything that they loved. Carlos drew his family, hockey, the swirly slide at the park, dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, and of course his best friends. He remembered waiting for the bus that day, holding his picture proudly. And then the class bully, Mark Sanchez came over, ripped his careful drawing out of his hands and tore a large piece away before throwing it in the mud. Carlos had cried all the way home despite his friends' numerous attempts to cheer him up. When he showed his mother, she hugged him then used a piece of invisible tape to make it look like new. "Carlos, no one can ever take something away from you if it's in your heart." She had told him.

But now, as Carlos sat gripping Logan's lifeless hand in his, he couldn't help thinking that his mother had been wrong. Because all he could picture was his drawing except a giant hold where Logan had been. He was gone. And as much as he pleaded and begged irrationally, he wasn't coming back.

It had to be a dream. A nightmare. Carlos had struggled with nightmares for months and each time there was someone to wake him up and tell him that it wasn't real and that Logan was okay. Why then, when the time had finally come, had it happened like it did? Logan had been savagely torn away from them. Maybe it would have been easier to accept if it had happened it a more quiet and peaceful way. But there had been nothing quiet or peaceful about the way Logan had. . . died.

James couldn't breath. Surely, when something you loved so much was taken away from you, it did something to your body physically. Because it couldn't be normal to have so much trouble breathing when you knew perfectly well that both of your lungs were well intact.

Logan was gone. As much as his brain struggled to process the fact he still couldn't believe it. After all they had been through, why did it have to end so suddenly and brutally? Like Carlos had said they never even got a chance to say goodbye. The last thing Logan had ever said to them was that everything was going to be okay. But now he was gone. He had lied to them. Unintentionally maybe, but now he was gone and they were left behind to pick up the pieces.

Kendall was frozen to the spot where he stood. He watched everything around him happening like it was a scene from some awful movie. Katie was beyond hysterical and their mother tried in vain to comfort her while she herself was suffering. Carlos was still whispering over and over for Logan to wake up. Kendall desperately wanted him to stop. It was torture listening to him. James was still sobbing so hard that it would be a miracle if he didn't pass out from lack of oxygen.

A miracle. That was what they needed and they didn't get it. Now they could only move on. But Kendall couldn't imagine life without Logan. He had been trying and failing for the past two months. It didn't seem right. But now it had become a reality.

Logan would never again sit around the table with them and eat a meal. He would never watch or play hockey with them again. He would never sing or dance or ace a test or. . . anything, ever again. He was dead. It was so unfair. There were millions of people in the world who deserved death. Why did Logan have to die?

A vague, wild desperation to actually shake Logan until he woke up came over Carlos but he restrained himself. He knew that it would do nothing but distress the others even more. But he couldn't stop the pleas that rained down. "Logan, please come back. Don't leave us this way. You promised." At the time he didn't remember exactly what Logan had promised but it had something to do with everything being okay. This was not what he had promised them. Logan had never let them down before.

Carlos was drowning. He was sure of that one fact. The immense sea of grief was pulling him down, down, down. Already he was losing control of himself. But then. As his vision grew fuzzy and he stopped treading water to let himself sink, there was a life preserver thrown his way.

At first he was sure he had imagined it. Because it was impossible. But before he had time to let go of the thought it came again. A faint pressure on his hands. The sensation cut his words of in mid-plea and he lifted his head to look at the still figure on the bed. "Logan?"

Kendall almost covered his ears. Each of Carlos' words were like a knife stabbing him. But when Carlos stopped in the middle of one of his pleas to look at Logan and actually speak to him like he was still there was too much. Had they lost Carlos already? Had they lost their perpetually happy friend? What were he and James going to do? Would they little by little, fall apart as well, or would it be a swift and hard fall? Logan was gone, Carlos was going. He felt like he was moving through water as he reached out to hold onto Carlos. "Carlos-"

But Carlos cut him off with one breathless word. "Look."

Through his own grief, James heard a note in Carlos' one word that caught his attention. It was funny how much emotion you could put into one simple word. But the emotions that James heard were not of grief and loss. They were of a sudden hope and complete disbelief. It was enough to cut through the fog of pain that James was in so he could look up.

Miracles come in different forms. A newborn child is nearly always considered a miracle by the parents whether it is healthy or not. There are the numerous miracles in the Bible and other stories. There are sports miracles, the one that the boys always thought of being the 1980 'Miracle on Ice'. And then there were the miracles that you didn't just hear of, but experienced for yourself.

Logan was breathing. His chest was rising in small but steady motions. James became certain, as he witnessed the miracle, that if you were really close to someone that they literally became a part of you. How else could he explain the way it suddenly became easier for him to breath again?

"Impossible." Doctor Walsh had turned to go but had stopped when Carlos spoke to everyone else instead of Logan. He watched in stunned disbelief as a faint color returned to the face of the boy he had pronounced dead just minutes ago. As a doctor, he too had experienced his own fair share of miracles. But this one was beyond any rational belief.

"Logan." Carlos was the only one who hadn't been stunned into silence. He could hardly see Logan because of the tears that were burning the backs of his eyes but with each passing second Logan was breathing more and more easily until it was a completely natural rhythm. "Can you hear me?" He swallowed around the enormous lump that was wedged in his throat and gripped Logan's hand even tighter.

Logan could hear _everything_. The first thing he heard when he stepped through the window back into his life was James crying and Carlos begging for him to come back. He wanted desperately to say something to them so they both stopped because it was truly awful to hear James sobbing like that and Carlos' endless stream of pleading was just as bad. But when he tried to open his mouth or even his eyes nothing worked properly. So he used the little strength he had to squeeze Carlos' hands just hard enough to get his friend's attention.

One of the first things he noticed in his semi-conscious state was the fact that he felt incredibly weak again. The pain had returned but it was nothing compared to the pain he felt knowing that the five people who meant the most to him in the world were hurting so badly for him.

He worked hard to nod when Carlos asked if he could hear him. It was a faint nod, one that someone would miss if they blinked, but nobody blinked.

"He nodded." Kendall heard himself say. "Did you see that? He just nodded! And he's breathing." It was entirely unnecessary for him to be telling everything all of this because they were all very much aware of the fact that Logan was not only alive, but responding to them as well.

"Hey, Logan." Carlos could not believe that he was talking to Logan again. The realization made him dizzy even though he had remained sitting. "Logan, can you open your eyes?"

His eyes felt like they weighed two pounds each but Logan couldn't stand disappointing his friends by staying half in and half out of his dream world. The effort was enormous but he managed to open them enough that slits of light poured in.

James watched as Logan struggled to open his eyes only to have them close suddenly. "What happened?" He demanded. But the question hadn't fully left his mouth before Logan was trying again. Finally, he found himself looking into a pair of brown eyes he thought he'd never see again.

Logan had thought that watching his friends suffer through the window was bad but seeing them now was even worse. James looked like a completely different person. His hair was messed up from the constant pulling at it when he was watching Logan die and his face was red and blotchy. His eyes were viciously swollen from the tears that had been pouring uncontrollably and every once in a while his breath hitched in a strangled sob. Kendall was absolutely white and Logan wondered briefly if he had made the right descion after all because Kendall looked like he had seen an actual ghost and he probably thought he did because after all, Logan was supposed to be dead. Mrs. Knight, Katie, and Doctor Walsh all wore matching expressions of shock. Only Carlos seemed to have accepted the fact that Logan was actually alive. He had an enormous grin on his face, the kind of grin that the old Carlos had always had on his face and Logan couldn't help smiling in return. "Hi."

Carlos ignored the fact that what was happening was impossible. He ignored the fact that for all he knew he might have fainted and was in the middle of a dream. He focused instead on hearing Logan's voice again and not falling apart. Logan was alive. The knowledge of the miracle was far past his understanding so he didn't even try. He opened his mouth to respond to Logan but no words came out. He didn't know what to say.

Kendall had moved tentatively closer to Logan and stretched out his hand to touch his friend's wrist. It was warm with life and even flinched slightly at the unexpected contact. Was it only in movies that ghosts were see through and cold? Maybe Logan wasn't a ghost after all though. Maybe it was really Logan. He didn't dare dwell on the slim possibility though because he couldn't stand to have his hopes ruined. He didn't have a clue what was going on because Logan should be dead and yet he was watching Kendall with a familiar, concerned expression on his face.

"Hey, Kendall? It's me." Logan didn't know what else to say. Clearly, Kendall thought he was dreaming or seeing a ghost or something along those lines. Logan couldn't blame him. It was easier to think that you were seeing a ghost than believing that your best friend had actually come back to life. But for some reason, the four simple words worked because Kendall smiled and nodded.

Then James started to cry again, even harder. There was a tiny part of him that was thinking what a cry baby he had turned into but the rest of him was so confused. Just a few minutes ago he had been watching the doctors do everything they could to save Logan. It hadn't worked. Logan had died. For some reason, James could not move past that fact. Logan was right in front of him, alive, but James felt like something was blocking him from getting to his friend.

Logan's face turned into a typical look of worry when James started crying. He managed to pull his hand gently away from Carlos' grip and reach out to James but his friend was sitting just far enough that he couldn't touch him. Before he could say anything, a small team of doctors had swarmed the room and everyone he knew was gone. "Wait." He protested weakly.

"Hang on a minute, Logan." Doctor Walsh's voice was gentle and calmed down Logan enough so that he was able to listen to the man. "They'll be back. I just want to look you over." He was, Logan thought, remarkably calm for someone who had just seen a dead patient come back to life.

To his relief, it didn't take long at all and as soon as one of the doctors opened the door to leave, Logan watched as the woman was nearly run over by his friends in their rush to get back to him. Somehow, Mrs. Knight and Katie were the first ones to reach him and they managed just in time to restrain themselves and give him gentle, careful hugs. He was exhausted, far too worn out to return the gesture so Logan merely allowed himself to sink into his adoptive mother's arms where he was safe.

When his mother and Katie hugged Logan, Kendall lost sight of him briefly and panicked for a second. When at last, they pulled away with tears of joy streaming down their faces he took the opportunity to push his way past them and sit down next to Logan. It surprised him how easily he had gotten used to the idea of Logan being alive.

Carlos was a whirlwind of emotion and he nearly knocked Kendall of his chair in his excitement. His eyes were wide and he still wore the ridiculously huge smile on his face that would put the sun to shame had they been outside. "You came back." Finally, the words he had been searching for came to him and he spoke them because hearing them out loud made it all the more real.

Logan smiled. They didn't know the whole story. One day, when he was feeling stronger and they weren't all emotional train wrecks, he would tell them. Because he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they would believe every word he had to say. But for now, James was still looking incredibly shaken. "James?"

James recognized the pleading in Logan's voice but he couldn't bring himself to take the final step that would carry him over to his friends. He was frozen to his spot. Even Doctor Walsh's assurances that Logan was indeed alive and actually better than he had been in two days, he still expected to wake up the minute he stepped forward. "You died." His own voice scared him. It sounded empty and hollow even to him.

He had been dead. Really dead. The doctors had given his time of death and walked out of the room. Completely dead. There was no way that Logan should be sitting in his bed, breathing. But he was because for some crazy insane reason, he had been given a second chance. He didn't know what to say to James so he said what he always did when he was at a loss for words. "I'm sorry."

How typical of Logan to apologize for being dead. A wave of hysteria washed over James and he nearly choked on his laughter. He realized that he was shaking violently and that everyone was watching him in concern but he felt like he had lost complete control of his body. "I saw you die." He whispered, wishing more than anything that he could join his friends.

"But James, I'm here now."

Obviously. But those words were what broke James free from his frozen state and he crossed the distance between himself and his friends. For the first time in weeks he felt whole again.

**A/N. You really didn't think that I'd be cruel enough to kill Logan without letting them say goodbye did you? I'm terrible, just not that terrible. My heart is whole again, how about yours? I really hope that you liked this chapter. Read and review and I'll update! Deal? Oh my goodness, words cannot express how grateful I am for the encouragement I've received with this story. I have no idea how much more I have in me so we'll all wait and see. Thank you all so much!**


	44. Life

**A/N. Once upon a time there was a writer named Laura who's head got so big from all the wonderful reviews she got for her story 'Little Hollow' that she just blew up. Or not. Ignore me. I'm on a Happy High. Please keep the reviews coming. They keep the story going! I don't own anything. Read on.**

Lacey Knight left the hospital that night with Katie when the visiting hours ended. She didn't even try to get the boys to come with her. She didn't raise Kendall and know James and Carlos for twelve years to assume that they would come willingly. She would have had to drug them, tie them up, and lock them in their rooms and even then she probably would have found that they ended up back in the hospital. So instead, she and Katie said their emotional goodbyes for the night and left the boys together.

James felt his eyes grow heavy and his head slowly lowered to rest on the pillow. For a brief moment he dozed off but it wasn't long before he jerked violently awake. He sat up and turned to check on Logan. A huge sigh of relief escaped him when he saw that Logan was still breathing evenly as he slept. It had been hours since Logan had died and come back to life. It sounded overly dramatic but that was exactly what had happened. He had died. And then he was alive. And ever since then James hadn't been able to take his eyes off of Logan. Because he was terrified that he might be taken away again. Logan's death had been so sudden.

"Are you still awake?"

James jumped at Logan's voice. He had never expected that he would hear that voice again and he had mixed feelings. On one hand he was completely ecstatic to hear Logan talking to him. But on the other hand James felt that his friend should be resting. He wasn't an expert or anything but for some reason James thought that dying and coming back to life would be exhausting. "You're still awake?" He asked for lack of anything better to say.

"Yeah." In the dimly lit room, James could see Logan's smile. "Insomnia."

Despite Logan's smile, James was nervous. "Shouldn't you be sleeping though?"

"About as much as you should." Logan quickly returned He sat up slightly and tossed a spare pillow at Kendall. "So should Carlos and Kendall."

"What?" Kendall sat up and looked at Logan innocently. "Why did you wake me up?"

"Yeah." Carlos sat up too, rubbing his eyes.

Logan rolled his eyes. "Because neither of you were actually asleep."

"Oh." Kendall traded a look with Carlos and shrugged. "At least we tried. Have you even blinked, James?"

"Um." James gave Kendall a sheepish grin. "Yeah."

"You guys should be sleeping." Logan said in a gentle disapproval. "When was the last time you _did_ sleep?"

"Define sleep." James said evasively.

Logan looked mildly annoyed. "Oh, gee I don't know. The eight hours that doctors recommend for people our age?"

"Eight hours?" Carlos repeated. "That seems like a lot." He laughed a little. "I have no idea when I got that much sleep." Kendall and James nodded in agreement. "You can't really blame us though, Logan." Carlos added. "It's been rough."

At Carlos' honest words, Logan sighed. "I know. At least I've had pain medication that's knocked me out. I hate the way it makes me feel but at least I get sleep."

"Why aren't you asleep now?" Kendall asked in concern. "Do you need some more medicine?"

Logan shook his head quickly. "No. I'm not in any pain. I can't sleep tonight because. . ." He bit his lip, deep in thought. "Because of what happened today."

The three boys winced at his words and the unwelcome memory they brought with them. When Logan motioned for them to join him on the large hospital bed they came willingly. The closeness was soothing and they all relaxed a little.

"Can I ask you guys something?" Logan was hesitant.

"Anything." James said instantly. He already knew what Logan's question would be and he knew that the answer wouldn't be easy. But it have been impossible to refuse Logan anything that day.

"What. . . what happened?"

The room was silent as Logan's friends struggled for a way to explain the day's horrific events. Kendall unconsciously wrapped his arms protectively around himself as he spoke up. "You had a fever. . . and you were in a coma. . ." The words came haltingly, like speaking them actually hurt Kendall. "Doctor Walsh said that. . ." Kendall drew in a harsh breath. "That we might need to be prepared. And then. . . you just stopped breathing. The doctors tried to save you but. . . then they said that you died."

"1:34pm." Carlos whispered as if to himself. He rubbed the goosebumps on his arms away.

Logan listened quietly to Kendall's recitation. He shut his eyes and begged for forgiveness for his feeling of gratefulness that it was he who had died. He doubted he would have been able to watch it happen to any of his friends. Just hearing what had happened and seeing the unimaginable pain in their eyes was already too much.

"But then." James broke in, his voice full of wonder. "You came back. Doctor Walsh couldn't believe it. Nobody could. It was like a dream." He lowered his gaze. "That's why I haven't been able to go to sleep tonight. Because I'm afraid that it's a dream right now and I don't want to wake up." He cringed at how weak the words made him sound but he knew that the other boys understood him.

"Can I tell you guys something?" Logan asked. "It's going to sound really weird and I don't know if anyone else besides you guys would believe me." When all three of them nodded he gave a small smile. "Okay." He took a deep breath and began to explain.

"The last thing I remembered was going in to have the surgery. And then the next thing I knew, I was waking up and. . . I was just. . . floating. In space. There was this guy all dressed in white and kind of glowing. He said his name was Daniel. And he asked me how I felt."

"How you felt?" James frowned in confusion. "What did he mean by that?" He was gently shushed by Carlos and Kendall and the three of them waited for Logan to go on.

"That's what I thought too. But then I realized that I felt good. Really good. I wasn't in pain anymore and I wasn't tired at all. It was the best I've ever felt, even before I got sick. And Daniel showed me this sort of mirror and I looked healthy. I wasn't skinny or pale anymore. I looked normal." Logan smiled briefly at the memory but it faded when he recalled the reason why he had felt so good. "But then Daniel told me that I felt so good because I was dead."

Carlos tried to imagine a healthy Logan but it had been such a long time that he couldn't. When Logan mentioned being dead he shivered. What was it like to be told that you were dead?

"This is where it gets really weird." Logan suddenly broke off from his explanation. "Are you all sure you want to hear what happened next?" When they all nodded quickly he went on.

"So then Daniel opened this window in space" Logan's eyes had a far away look in them as he struggled to explain the window. "On the other side was the most beautiful place I've ever seen. There was a meadow with flowers and a waterfall and. . ." He suddenly broke off and his friends were alarmed to see tears come to his eyes. "My. . . my mom was there."

Kendall drew in a sharp breath at the words. "Your mom?" He repeated.

Logan nodded. "She was sitting right there in the meadow by the waterfall and she was reading. She looked so peaceful and happy. I tried to go to her but I couldn't. It was like my feet suddenly froze where they were as soon as I got too close. Daniel told me that I couldn't go to her unless I chose to. He kept talking about this choice that I had to make and that was one option." His eyes took on a haunted look. "And then he showed me another window."

At that, Logan paused and was quiet for so long that his friends would have thought that he had fallen asleep if they couldn't see him. They waited in an uncomfortable silence for him to go on.

"It was you guys. When I was dead. I saw everything. Katie and. . . your mom, Kendall were both crying and Kendall was just sitting there. And Carlos was talking to me over and over again even though I was dead and James was just sobbing really hard. It was the worst thing I've ever had to see. You were all in so much. . . pain that it hurt to look at you."

It was hard to hear Logan's vivid descriptions of how they had all been grieving. They all stared down at their hands and simply listened.

"So then, Daniel told me about the choice I had to make." Logan said slowly. "He said that I could either go on to be with my mother in Heaven or. . . come back here."

At those words, Kendall, James, and Carlos all looked up. "You had a choice?" Carlos asked.

Logan nodded. "Yeah. I asked him if I would still be sick if I came back. He said that I would be. But that I would have maybe a little more time. Like, I still might. . . die but at least I would have more time with you guys. And maybe it would be less sudden. You know?"

"We didn't even get to say goodbye." Carlos told him, his eyes filling with tears at the memory.

"I know." Logan said softly. "That's what I was thinking. But I thought that if I went on to Heaven that I would be completely fine forever. And with my mom again. I miss her so much." He rubbed tears from his eyes. "But all I could think of was you guys and what would happen. Daniel told me that I wouldn't be aware of your suffering if I was in Heaven but it felt selfish to go and be completely ignorant. It wouldn't change anything. You would still be hurting."

"I didn't know what to chose. I wanted to be with my mom again but I also knew that eventually I would. And I didn't want you guys to hurt if I could help it. But then I wondered why I was even given the choice in the first place. Why me? And I wondered if it would be easier for me to stay away. What if I died again? I didn't want you to hurt even worse." Logan took a deep breath and struggled against the tears. "I asked Daniel a bunch of questions and he answered all he could. He told me what would happen with all of you and it was all so. . . awful. I mean, in the end you guys would have been okay." Logan smiled slightly. "Daniel told me that Camille helped you all a lot."

"Camille?" James' eyes widened. "She doesn't even know what happened today."

"I know." Logan said slowly. "Maybe if she comes tomorrow. Anyway, so that was my choice." He looked up at them with another smile. "And obviously, I'm here so. . ."

"Why?" Kendall asked. "Why did you choose to come back?" His own eyes filled with tears. "I mean, don't get me wrong Logan. I'm so glad that you did. We all are. But why? You could have been happy and healthy with your mom. Instead you chose to come back here. You're in pain again."

Logan shrugged. "I know. I guess it would make more sense if I stayed. But I couldn't. Because who knows? I might get better this time and we could finally move on. Oh sure, I could still die again but there's always the chance that we could go back to normal." He smiled. "And I wouldn't miss that for the world."

**A/N. This chapter was everything you already knew but it was also needed. Thank you so much for all of your amazing support so far. You guys are the best!**


	45. Stronger

**A/N. You are all the most wonderful people on this site. I love you all. Is that weird? Anyway, I don't own anything except for the Angst Monster and I think he actually owns me. Go figure. Read on!**

Camille walked down the hospital hallways slowly. She was afraid. She had seen Mrs. Knight come home with Katie late last night but the boys hadn't been with them. She didn't know whether to feel relieved or worried by their absence. She wasn't even sure that she wanted to be in the hospital at the moment. Only yesterday, Logan had slipped into a coma as a result of a high fever. Doctor Walsh had told them that they all needed to be prepared.

Tears blurred her eyesight long enough for Camille to stumble a little. She caught herself and leaned against the wall, trying to steady her breathing. Her heart was pounding in nervous anticipation. She had no idea what to expect once she reached Logan's room. Would he be worse? Did she dare hope that he was better?

Seeing Logan constantly sick reminded her of her father when he was alive. Camille had been young when he was first diagnosed. Most of her clearest memories were of him in the hospital or him laying on his recliner in their family room. It was hard seeing Logan suffer the same way especially since he was her age. Teenagers should never have to be so sick. No one should.

Camille reached Logan's room and hesitated. Then taking a deep breath, she knocked softly and swung the door open. Instantly, her hand flew to cover her mouth when she saw the boys. Kendall, James, and Carlos looked emotionally exhausted but they were all sitting in their usual chairs _talking_ to Logan. Logan was awake. He looked so different from yesterday. He sat up in his bed and was laughing at something Carlos had said. There was a faint hint of color to the face that had been so pale the day before. Camille was speechless and the boys were all so wrapped up in their conversation that if the bed hadn't been directly across the room from the door, it might have been some time before any of them noticed her.

But Logan turned to see her and his face lit up. "Hi, Camille!"

She stared wordlessly at him. Never had she imagined that he would be awake and yet he was. But it wasn't just the fact that he was awake. Logan looked almost healthy. In fact, he looked better than his friends. Though they had all been laughing Camille noticed that all three of them, especially James, looked slightly panicky and nervous, like they might just fall apart at any time. "You're. . . you're awake." She finally stammered out. "When?"

It was impossible to miss the changes in the four boys. Immediately, Kendall, James, and Carlos all adopted haunted expressions on their faces. Though she doubted he noticed himself, James suddenly shifted in his seat so that he was slightly closer to Logan. They all looked incredibly shaken up by her question. Finally, Logan forced a smile but only after shooting his friends a concerned glance.

"Yesterday." He told her, but there was a strange note in his voice. "I guess a little after you left." He added slowly. The other boys nodded but remained eerily silent.

Camille stood in the doorway, uncertain of her next move. Something had obviously happened yesterday to scare Logan's friends. She could see it in every twitch of a leg and blink of an eye. Logan for his part, was more relaxed. He merely looked worried for the others. But with a smile that transformed him, he beckoned for Camille to come closer. So she obeyed and sat hesitantly on the edge of the bed.

The boys had all lapsed into an awkward silence. Upon closer inspection, Camille thought that they all looked even worse. Their eyes were red rimmed and swollen from tears and every ten seconds they would shoot quick glances Logan's way and then breath small sighs of relief. They were nervous wrecks. There was something else to. An air of disbelief hung over the room. Camille couldn't figure it out and seeing them all in such emotional state of minds made her nervous.

"I can go." She finally said when James looked at Logan for the third time. Kendall and Carlos both jumped at her voice and her eyes widened slightly.

"No." Logan said quickly. He grabbed her hand and Camille flushed slightly at the contact. "Stay." He instructed softly. "We're okay. I just need to. . . tell you something. About yesterday." He cast a glance at his friends who all flinched at the mention of yesterday.

Kendall stood up slowly and James and Carlos followed his example. He forced a smile that didn't quite chase away the strange look in his eyes. "We'll let you guys talk." He said quietly. "I think I'll go see if Jo wants to go out for lunch."

"Yeah." Carlos shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. "I haven't really seen Stephanie in a while. Lunch is a good idea."

"Julie has a family reunion today." James murmured softly.

"I thought it was her grandparents' fiftieth wedding anniversary?" Camille couldn't help asking in confusion.

"Oh." James blushed. "Right. That's what it was. Anyway, I have homework." He was actually so far behind that he was pretty certain he would never catch up. But he could at least try.

They all said goodbye with such reluctance that Camille nearly called them back in. But she and Logan watched them go in silence. Logan sent them off with a reassuring smile that was probably the only thing that got them out the door but Camille couldn't shake off the uneasy feeling that had settled over her.

"So." She finally found the courage to speak up. "What happened yesterday? The guys all looked really upset just now." She played nervously with a loose strand of hair and smiled a little. "It's good to see you awake again." She added softly.

Logan's smiled faded and he grew serious. "Hey, Camille. I have to tel you something and it won't be easy to hear okay?" It suddenly occurred to him that he was still holding tightly to her hand but since she had yet to protest he didn't try to pull away. Camille nodded and waited for him to go on. Logan could see the fear in her eyes but Daniel had been right. She _was _stronger than he had imagined.

"I died yesterday." The words sounded strange coming out of his own mouth. How many people ever got to say that they died and actually meant it? He watched as the color drained from Camille's face.

"What. . . do you mean you died?" Camille whispered. But even without Logan explaining the details, everything made sense. The boys' faces and their reluctance to leave. . . it made sense.

Logan shook his head in his own disbelief. "Just that. I died. The guys told me that I just stopped breathing." He looked at Camille, his own eyes saddened by the memory of his friends when they told him what had happened. "And that the doctors tried to save me but. . . you know."

Camille felt tears filling her eyes. "But then why?" She asked, unable to say anything else.

"That's where it gets weird." Logan admitted. "See, basically I was given this choice to go on to Heaven or come back. I know it sounds really weird but that's honestly what happened. I was floating around in space and this guy named Daniel told me all about it." He shook his head again. "I don't get it. Why me? Why was I given a choice?"

Camille was still reeling from Logan's story. It was impossible. But as she looked at him she knew that every single word was perfectly true. She couldn't help but smile at his question. "Logan, it's no surprise to me that you got to choose. You're such a special person. And everyone you know loves you so much." She swallowed hard. "Including me. It would have really hard to let you go but we would have all been okay eventually."

Logan sighed. "The guy I told you about? Daniel? He told me what would have happened to all of the guys if I chose to move on. And even if I would get to me with my mom again it didn't really matter in the end. He told me that Carlos was going to be depressed and James was going to go through denial and Kendall couldn't handle everything." He couldn't help but smile through his tears. "He also told me that you would eventually bring them together again."

Camille only smiled. "I promised you I would didn't I?" She sniffed. "But all the same I'm really glad you decided to come back to us. Even if you still have to leave eventually. When my dad first died all I wanted was more time with him. Like, I would have done anything for just a little more time with him. But I couldn't keep thinking that. Not my whole life. I had to eventually move on."

Logan frowned. "Does that mean I made the wrong choice?" He asked.

"No way." Camille shook her head. "Logan, if you're offered more time with the people you love then I say take it. It'll make things easier. Maybe we'll all be more prepared." She tried to smile at him. "Although I don't know how you're supposed to prepare for death."

"Some ways might be easier than others." Logan said quietly. "Yesterday was so. . . sudden. We didn't even get to say goodbye. I think that's what got the guys so much. When I was. . . wherever I was yesterday, I saw them. Daniel showed me them. Camille, it was the worst thing I've ever seen. I'll never forget it. It hurt to see them that broken. And all I could think of would it have been easier if they knew? If there was a warning?" He shrugged. "And then I wondered if it would hurt them more if I came back and then died again. What would the point be then?"

"The point is that you had a choice to see your mom again and you decided to wait so you could be with your friends for longer." Camille told him. "That means the world to them. To me."

"But I'm afraid for them." Logan admitted. "You saw them today. They're. . . ecstatic but so messed up at the same time. I'm really worried about James. When I first. . . came back to life or whatever happened he was like frozen or something. Like he didn't believe it was really me or like he thought he was dreaming. I don't know." Logan sighed in frustration.

"They'll be okay." Camille said firmly. "They're stronger than you give them credit for."

Logan smiled because her words reminded him of what Daniel had said about her. "I know. And they have you. That makes all the difference in the world to me. Camille, it means a lot to me that you said you'll be there for them. They're all so incredibly passionate that it scares me sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if we're too close. But then I realize how ridiculous that is. You can't go through life holding everyone at arms' length because you're afraid of being hurt."

Camille looked at him sadly. "You would know." She said, thinking of all that Logan had been through. "I don't know how you do it sometimes, Logan."

At that Logan smiled. "I have the best friends in all the world."

**A/N. Short and sweet hopefully. Please review!**


	46. Alone

**A/N. The angst in this chapter blindsided me. I don't own anything. Read on.**

"Are you sure you're okay, James?" Kendall asked for the third time. He eyed James doubtfully from the doorway of his friend's room. He was supposed to be meeting Jo for lunch in ten minutes but he wasn't sure if James should be left alone. Carlos had gone out with Stephanie and Kendall's mother and sister were out running some much needed errands that had been neglected when Logan was so sick. Since Julie was out of town for the weekend that left James by himself.

James pasted his best phony smile on his face. Occasionally, he could fool even his best friends with a quick grin and to his relief, today was no exception. "Yeah, Kendall. I'm sure. I'm really far behind with my school work so I'm going to try and catch up today. Have a good time with Jo okay?"

Kendall smiled and nodded. "Okay. If you're sure. But if you need anything just call. Promise?" He watched James cross his heart dramatically and laughed. "See ya, man." With a quick flip of his wrist, Kendall turned and jogged off to his girlfriend. He couldn't wait to tell her all that had transpired the past two days.

With a sigh, James let his smile slip and he fell onto his bed. For a while all he could do was lay there as the memory of yesterday came crashing down on him. He hadn't slept at all last night even when Logan, Carlos, and Kendall had all drifted off into their dreams. Every time James closed his eyes he saw Logan's pale face turn blue from the lack of oxygen. He saw the doctors working feverishly, trying to revive him. And he heard the loud crash as Doctor Walsh shoved the tray of medical instruments over in a fit of passion. He heard the defeat in the doctor's voice when he announced that Logan was gone.

It should mean something to him that Logan was alive. James shouldn't be laying on his bed trying to keep from exploding. He should be celebrating. Logan was alive. Sure he had died but he had come back. In the end that should be all that really mattered.

But James had been shaken far worse than he could have ever imagined. Panic tightened his chest in a vise-like grip. He wrapped his arms around his waist struggling to gain control of himself but tears were already spilling from his eyes and running down his cheeks. His body shook with sobs and dimly he was amazed that he hadn't run completely dry of tears.

Logan had died. The thought was all that was present in his mind. He had stopped breathing and his heart stopped beating. 1:34pm. Logan had died. He had left them before anyone knew what was happening. All they had been able to do was watch in horror and disbelief and the doctors tried and failed to bring him back.

He had thought that he would be more prepared. But yesterday, James had learned that he wasn't prepared to lose his best friend. Not at all. Even though he knew perfectly well that Logan was alive and talking with Camille, James was still terrified. All he could think of was how quickly they had fallen apart. It was like as soon as he lost Logan then he lost his other friends too. He could literally feel them slipping through his grasp when they were told the news. It was like they were drowning right in front of him but James was helpless to do anything to save them. Because the only person that could save them had died.

"He's alive." James said aloud hoping that it would ease his fears. His breathing had steadied slightly and the tears had slowed so that he could see. "He's alive." He repeated because there was a sudden, nagging doubt in the back of his mind. Slowly, James stood up and sat down at his desk. He had told Kendall that he had a ton of studying. It was true. And maybe studying would get his mind off of other things.

Five minutes later James threw his book across the room where it hit the wall with an angry thud. He shuddered slightly. What was wrong with him? He was losing control. Up until yesterday it had been Carlos that they were worried about. Carlos who had gone from their own personal sun to someone who rarely ever spoke much less laughed. But now James could feel himself going insane.

"I need sleep." He muttered to himself. He stumbled into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. He had struggled with Insomnia for years but every once in a while when the lack of sleep

was too difficult to deal with he took something to help him. Logan had always supported this so James never felt guilty. He was disappointed however to see that they were out of Benadryl.

He had no idea what made him think to look in Logan's room. But suddenly he found himself standing in the middle of the empty room. A new kind of pain washed over him. He missed Logan. He missed everyone. He had been longing to be alone while Carlos and Kendall were still getting ready but now that they were gone, James had never felt so completely alone. Silence had a sound to it and it was an awful sound.

It took all of his concentration to avoid looking at the floor where Logan had laid on the floor with Carlos, throwing up blood. Mrs. Knight had used some special stain remover on the carpet and had succeeded in making it spotless once more. But that didn't take away the fear that James felt.

"Benadryl." James muttered. He yanked open Logan's closet and looked inside. Sure enough, past all the clothes that had been sitting in there for weeks, unused, was a first aid kit. James couldn't help but smile when he saw it. It was so Logan. He pulled the small box from the shelf and opened it up. Naturally, James found what he was looking for.

He wasn't stupid. Though he wanted to take more than the recommended dose and sleep the nightmare away, he shook out on tablet and swallowed it easily without water. In five minutes his head felt heavy and James sighed in relief.

"_Hello, James."_

_James jumped and spun around. He was still in Logan's room but he wasn't alone. Some strange guy was standing there. "Who are you?" He asked sharply. He probably should have been more scared than angry at the stranger's intrusion. And maybe he would have been if he was anywhere else but Logan's room._

"_Logan will be okay." The man said with a smile._

"_What are you talking about? Who are you?" James studied the man. "Are you. . . Daniel?" He asked hesitantly._

"_I am."_

_James suddenly realized what he had been told by Daniel. "Wait, you said that Logan's going to be okay? Does that mean that he's going to beat the cancer?"_

_Daniel shook his head and James felt like he had been punched in the stomach. But before he could say anything Daniel went on. "I cannot tell you what will happen to Logan." He said gently. "But know that whatever happens, Logan will be okay."_

"_You mean if he lives than the cancer will go away and if he. . . dies then. . . well. . ." James trailed off and watched as Daniel nodded. "I know that I guess." He admitted with tears in his eyes. "But. . . this is going to sound selfish but. . . what about us if Logan dies?"_

"_It will be hard. I cannot say much on the subject though. Just know that in life you will face many struggles. But at the same time there will be celebrations as well."_

"_Daniel, I. . . we can't lose him. He's our best friend. I don't know what we'd do without him." James sat down in the middle of Logan's floor because he was suddenly too weary to stand up._

"_You'll move on." Daniel said simply._

_James felt anger color his cheeks. "See, that's what I don't get. How the heck do you move on after you lose someone important to you? Because I don't buy into that crap that time heals all wounds. Because we all watched Logan miss his mom the same every single day. And we watched him hurting over his dumb father every day too. Why did someone like Logan get stuck with a dad like him by the way? In fact, why is all this crap happening to Logan? He doesn't deserve any of it."_

"_You have so much anger in you." Daniel said softly._

"_Gee I wonder why." James said sarcastically. "Maybe because I've been watching one of my best friends die slowly and painfully. Maybe because I actually saw him die yesterday. Or maybe it's because when I'm not watching Logan suffer I'm watching my other best friends suffer."_

"_You all have a very strong bond." Daniel observed. "And just know that what doesn't break you will make you stronger."_

"_I think we're broken though." James said tearfully. "And if we're not broken yet, then what happens when we do break?"_

_But Daniel never answered him._

James sat up, breathing hard. He felt dizzy and frightened. His heart raced as he tried to calm down. He was still in Logan's room. He had fallen asleep on Logan's bed. James jumped up and smoothed the covers trying to erase the wrinkles along with the memories of his dream. "So much for Daniel being comforting to talk to." He only felt worse.

As James stood up he brushed against Logan's desk and knocked a small stack of papers to the floor. He hurried to pick them up and put them back where they belonged. A few words caught his eye and he realized what the papers were. They were the lyrics to 'Halfway There'.

He had never thought much about the words in a song before. But as the letters stared back at him, James thought of how fitting these words really were.

Granted, he didn't really know what it meant when "the chips were down" but their backs _were _indeed against the wall. And he felt like they had given everything they had and they were still losing. Or at least he was.

Where would he be if he didn't have his friends? What if they didn't have each other to lean on? If they had never met they never would have suffered like this. Would it have been better that way? James felt awful even thinking that.

Because the second verse cleared things up a little. It was almost what Daniel had been trying to tell him. Life wasn't always easy. But did it have to be so hard? James blinked hard to see past the tears that blurred the words. And why did it have to happen to them? They were just kids really. Eighteen. Wasn't crap like this supposed to happen to old people?

When the lyrics flipped back to when Logan sang James let out a small sob. It hurt to think of him. He had been through so much. It had to be wrong for one person to go through so much in such a short amount of time. He knew that he didn't have the inner strength that Logan did. James was certain that while Logan was merely tempted by the ease of suicide, he would have given in.

They were halfway there but what was waiting for them at the end?

Why had Logan decided to come back when he could have been happy and in peace right now in Heaven? Because if anyone deserved Heaven, Logan Mitchell did. With his mom. But he had chosen his friends over her and James didn't understand it. But at the same time the thought that they could have been planning Logan's _funeral_ instead of rejoicing over his return to them made James feel sick.

What if Logan died later? James tried to imagine it. Logan was claustrophobic. He wouldn't like being in a coffin. But he wouldn't be alive to know what was going on. He would be dead. Forever this time. And they would be left to try and move on. James couldn't imagine going to school without Logan. Going on vacations without Logan. Playing hockey without Logan. Living without Logan.

He never felt so alone.

**A/N. James is depressed. So am I. I'm going to die. The angst isn't funny anymore. I overdosed.**


	47. Together

**A/N. I am a monster. An Angst Monster. Actually, One Man Writing Games just called me an Angst Master so I guess I'm worse. I am a terrible person for taking a Nickelodeon show and turning it into this story. I don't own anything. Read on.**

Carlos bounced impatiently in his chair. Logan watched him and grinned. "You should be wearing your helmet, Carlos. All that jostling is really going to shake your brain up is you're not careful."

"I forgot it." Carlos confessed. "It's in my room at home." He grinned broadly at Logan. "You're coming home today." He said happily.

"I know." Logan couldn't help having at his friend's obvious statement. "Man, you have no idea how ready I am to get out of this place. The nurses and doctors are all great but I miss Palm Woods."

"I think I do have an idea of how ready you are." Carlos said, suddenly serious. "We really miss you. I mean, we're here everyday but it's not the same. It's been too long." He sighed. "I know you're still sick and all Logan but it'll be awesome to have to home again."

Logan nodded in agreement. It had been far too long since he had been home. Weeks. Doctor Walsh had finally told him the day before that he was recovering nicely from the kidney transplant and that the new organ seemed to have been accepted by his body. Consequently, he was healthy enough to be sent home. He was relieved. The constant monitoring of the different nurses and doctors had been getting on his nerves. He appreciated their help and concern but it was never ending. He couldn't wait to go back to Palm Woods and have a little peace and quiet.

"All right, Logan. How do you feel about going home today?" Doctor Walsh asked, entering the room with James and Kendall right behind him. He grinned at the expression that crossed Logan's face. "I guess you're more than ready aren't you?" He nodded to James who was clutching a wheelchair like he was afraid it might roll away from him never to be seen again. "On one condition."

Logan grimaced at the wheelchair. "Do I have to?" He asked, knowing the answer before the question left his lips. He felt bad for complaining after all the doctor had done for him and in reality he knew that he wasn't strong enough to walk all the way. But that didn't stop him from eying the chair disdainfully.

"I'm afraid so." Doctor Walsh said sympathetically. "Do you need help getting in?"

Did he need help getting into the wheelchair? Logan resisted the urge to scream and shook his head, carefully keep a blank expression on his face. "No thanks. I'm good." He slid slowly from the bed because any quick movement usually made him dizzy and carefully walked over to James and sat down in the chair. "See?" He said for the benefit of James who had yet to smile.

James tried to smile in return because he knew that it was what Logan wanted. But all he could think of was how thin Logan looked and how much effort the seemingly simple action of moving from his bed to the wheelchair had cost him. Doctor Walsh said that Logan was well enough to go home but he looked incredibly weak to James.

Kendall seemed to sense that James was feeling uncomfortably so he forced a smile to his own face and cut into the conversation. "We'll take it from here. Thanks a lot, Doctor Walsh."

"Yeah. Thank you for everything." Logan said earnestly as he shook the doctor's hand.

"Your very welcome boys." Doctor Walsh smiled. "Logan, don't take this the wrong way but I'd like to see you somewhere other than here okay?"

Logan laughed. "I couldn't agree with you more." He said honestly.

"I think they both want us out of here, guys." Carlos said with a grin. Nothing could ruin his mood that day. Sure Logan was still really sick but he was well enough to come home. That had to mean something. Something good for once.

Kendall was glad to see that the old Carlos seemed to be returning to them. Over the past three weeks since Logan's death he seemed a lot happier. His bright and sunny attitude was showing more and more of itself every day that passed. But James had changed. He was quieter and way more serious. Even now he seemed totally focused on wheeling Logan down the hallway. Kendall himself fell directly in the middle of the other two. He wasn't sure what to feel. On one hand he felt so relieved that it was almost overwhelming. Logan was back. But on the other hand all he could think of was that Logan had actually died. On the whole he was relived, confused and worried. For the moment though, he could be happy. So he smiled. "Come on guys. My mom and Katie are waiting in the car."

Logan had always thought that he hated wheelchairs. To him, they always stood as a sign of weakness. And now he was sure that he hated them. James was walking at such a slow pace that it was maddening. He was overly cautious once they got outside and took the long way around by going down the wheelchair ramp. Logan frowned slightly. He hated feeling so helpless and he hated feeling that James wasn't completely there with them. Even though his mind was focused entirely on maneuvering Logan around the crowded parking lot he seemed lost in thought.

"Hi boys." Mrs. Knight smiled and opened the automatic sliding door on the side of her van.

"What took you so long?" Katie demanded from the back seat. "We've been waiting for like, two hours!"

"It's only been about fifteen minutes." Kendall objected. His hand reached out to steady Logan as he stood up to climb in the van. "Sorry." He said sheepishly when Logan gave him a half glare. He knew that Logan hated the constant hovering that everyone did around him but it was no longer something he thought about. He just acted.

Meanwhile James was folding up the wheelchair like it was made of glass. He placed it in the back of the van then climbed in next to Logan and buckled his seat belt. He felt Logan staring at him in concern and bit his lip anxiously, wishing that Logan wasn't so freaking perceptive.

Logan chose not to say anything to James during the car ride with everyone else within ear shot. But he was really worried. It wasn't like James to be so quiet and distant from the others. Even though he was next to Logan James felt far away.

The car ride was quiet compared to the first ride home they had taken. That seemed like a lifetime ago. Back then everyone thought that Logan was improving only to have so many things happen to him in such a short amount of time.

When they reached Palm Woods, Logan breathed a sigh of relief at the familiar building. He longer cared what people thought of him. He was just glad to be home. He raised his eyebrows as James nearly fell out of the van in his rush to get out and get the wheelchair. Taking the opportunity to talk without James nearby he looked at Kendall and Carlos. "How long has he been like this?" He whispered.

"James?" Carlos asked. He traded looks with Kendall.

Logan rolled his eyes. "No, Mr. Bitters." He glanced at the lobby where Mr. Bitter could be seen behind the desk. "I meant James of course. He's practically catatonic." That was a bit of an exaggeration but he didn't really care.

Carlos hesitated before answering. "When you. . . died." He finally said slowly. "He's been kind of messed up ever since."

There was no time for Logan to answer because James had already rounded the van with the wheelchair and was waiting silently. Carlos and Kendall restrained themselves from helping Logan and followed their friends to the Palm Woods doors.

Once again everyone more or less avoided the four boys and Katie and Mrs. Knight. It was painfully awkward and Logan was glad when they reached the privacy of 2J. "Home sweet home." He said gratefully. James finally smiled a little at the words as he steered the wheelchair over to the big couch.

Logan flopped down on the couch. "Man, don't let them take me back." He pleaded half-joking and half serious. "I don't think I could go back." He sighed. "At least it just makes me appreciate this place more."

Kendall stood in the door way thinking. Finally he nudged Carlos and looked pointedly at his mother and sister. "Hey, Carlos." He began, then paused when he realized that he had no idea what his excuse could be.

"So." Logan said conversationally before he could come up with an idea. "James." He watched as James flinched when he said his name. "You doing okay?"

Logan wanted them there. Kendall sank down on the couch and waited patiently for Logan to fix James the way he was always able to fix everyone. Carlos sat down next to him, suddenly feeling tense and nervous. Mrs. Knight and Katie left the room quietly knowing that the conversation was really for the four boys alone.

"Um, I'm good." James said uncomfortably. "How are you, Logan?"

"Did I mention that you're a terrible liar?" Logan asked. "Or was that Kendall or Carlos." He shook his head. "Never mind. You're all terrible liars."

"I saw Daniel a few weeks ago." James muttered. He was partly shocked at his own words. He hadn't exactly wanted to tell the others what had happened.

His confession was met with silence before Logan finally found words to say. "Well. . . what did he say?"

James tried and failed miserably to hold the tears back. "He said that. . . that you would be okay. And he wouldn't really explain what would happen. But he told me that we would move on if you did die. And I can't understand that. I don't get how you move on after something like that. And he told me that I'm angry and I am because none of this makes any sense."

"James." Logan said carefully. "Even if I do die then I know you'll be okay. Eventually. Daniel told me."

"He's just some weird guy who shows up in peoples' dreams all dressed in white pretending that he knows what's going to happen." James said angrily. "He's not real and even if he was real he still wouldn't have a clue."

"How do you know that?" Logan asked him point-blank.

"How do you know that he's real?" James shot back.

Logan shrugged impassively. "I just do." He said simply. "It was too real for him not to be real. And besides, I wasn't dreaming. I was actually dead."

"Stop saying that." James covered his ears. "How can you just act like it's no big deal? You died, Logan. That's a _very_ big deal."

"But I'm not dead anymore." Logan said helplessly. "Doesn't that matter?"

James sighed. "Of course it does, Logan. I can't begin to describe how happy that makes me. All of us. But all I can think of is how you actually died. And after I woke up I started thinking about how we would have to plan your funeral and everything. I couldn't stop thinking about it, Logan. I was thinking about how we would fly back to Minnesota and everyone there would be really sad. And I thought about everyone back here. And I thought about how you're claustrophobic but it wouldn't matter because you would be dead." James took a deep breath and rushed on. "And I thought about how we'd have to do everything we did with you _without_ you. And how you're so much stronger than us, me especially, because if I were you I would have killed myself by now because it's hard enough watching you go through all of this. And I don't get why you came back to suffer some more because you could be perfectly happy right now." He stopped when he realized that both Kendall and Carlos were in tears.

Logan had listened to James' rant in perfect silence. When he finally stopped Logan considered his words carefully before speaking up again. "Well, first of all, James I really wish you would stop keeping everything inside of you. It's not healthy. And it worries me." Logan looked tired when he said that. "I care about you guys and you won't let anyone help you even if we do have a talk. You keeping shutting me out."

James winced at how open and honest Logan was with his words. "I'm sorry." He said miserably. "I feel like you have enough things to deal with."

"James, you're my best friend." Logan said a little angry. "Kendall and Carlos too. And it scares me that you're imaging something like my funeral. That's totally not normal, James." Logan shook his head when Carlos started to speak. "Hang on, let me finish. I'm almost done. James, you guys will be fine. And that's only _if_ I die. We don't know what's going to happen. We have no idea. But if I do die then I know you'll be okay. It'll take time and it'll always be hard because there are days I miss my mom so much that it hurts to breathe sometimes." Logan took a deep breath even as he spoke. "But you'll be okay because you have each other. The same goes for if it were one of you who got sick instead of me. By the way, I wouldn't have it any other way." Logan looked relieved at the thought. "But James, if you were me and all of this happened you you then you would have been okay. Because we have each other. And trust me, that's the only thing that's kept me going. But it's been more than enough. If I didn't have you guys I would have given up a long time ago. I owe my life to you."

"But that's the other thing." James said tearfully. "We all owe our lives to you. I almost drowned, Carlos almost froze to death, Kendall could have been killed in that tornado, then there was that awful snake thing, and Katie might have died too!"

Of the three of them Carlos had always been the most comfortable with contact. He liked to feel his friends by his side and really know that they were there. He liked how a hand on the shoulder could say so much more than all the words in the world. If Carlos was the most comfortable, then James was the last comfortable. But when Logan put an arm around his shoulders and he thought of how he might never feel Logan ever again, James leaned into his friend's support and allowed the hug. "Well then," He heard Logan say. "I guess we're even then."

Sometimes to comfort someone you love, you first have to break through the wall that they have put up around themselves. This may break them at the same time. But it may be that, to build someone up, you first have to break them down, and then piece by piece, fix them. Logan knew that his cancer had affected his friends far more than it affected him. Because whether he lived or died, in the end, he would win. But if he died, then his friends would lose. They would would him, each other, and themselves. Already, he could feel James slipping away and he tightened his hold.

"I have an idea." Carlos ventured suddenly. He looked torn between falling apart himself and cheering James up with his idea. The others merely waited in silence to hear him out. "What if we all fight the cancer together. Like, we all take 25%. That way it will be easier on you, Logan."

Logan had no idea how Carlos had come up with such a ridiculous notion. It was insane. The three of them could not literally fight the cancer. But he looked so earnest and even Kendall and James looked foolishly hopeful so Logan didn't dare bring them down. Instead he smiled and lied as smoothly as he ever had in his life. "That's a great idea, Carlos." He felt terrible for lying but it gave him even more reason to fight so maybe in the end it would work.

**A/N. Well, that's another chapter done. I'm going to start on C48 today as well but tomorrow my family leaves for a short vacation and we'll get back Wednesday and then I have work all day long on Thursday and Friday and then we leave for a week long vacation so. . . you might have to do without angst-ridden chapters for a little while. My most sincere apologies because you guys are the greatest and I love every single one of you for your continued support.**


	48. Hope

**A/N. I'm writing this from our hotel room in Worcester, Massachusetts, about thirty minutes outside Boston. There is no Internet connection which makes me very sad. Maybe downstairs. . . Anyway, I probably won't be able to post this until we get home so this will be old news. I don't own anything. Read on!**

"You guys!" Carlos practically flew into the room to interrupt Kendall and James in a battle of the card game War. "Guess what!" He demanded with no regard to the other boys' startled reactions by his sudden entrance.

"Hi to you too, Carlos." Kendall held a hand over his pounding heart. "Uh, I can't begin to guess. What's up?"

Carlos flopped on the floor and stared up at his friends with such an earnest expression that they couldn't help but smile. Since Logan had come back home it was like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. "I was hanging out with Stephanie by the pool and I overheard Logan and Camille talking about Christmas."

James nodded along with Kendall but at the mention of Christmas he felt his heart sink. The Knights and Logan weer staying because the brutal cold in Minnesota wouldn't be good for Logan's fragile health but he and Carlos already had their plane tickets to leave the very next week. He had no desire to leave though. Thanks to Logan he had opened up a little more and dealing with everything had become a little easier. But he was afraid just the same. He cleared his throat and spoke. "Yeah?"

"Camille was telling him how her family has a tradition of going to a tree farm and cutting down their Christmas tree." Carlos took a deep breath and suddenly went from excited to serious. "Then Logan said that he hasn't had a Christmas tree since before his mom died."

Kendall and James were silent as they absorbed his words. None of them had ever been to Logan's house around Christmas. He had always complained that there was no "Christmas cheer" but they had never known the full extent of the gloom that hung over the Mitchell home every December.

"No Christmas tree?" James repeated in disbelief.

"Carlos," Kendall said slowly as if he had trouble believing what he had just been told. He felt slightly sick. "Are you sure you heard right?" He asked, desperate to be told that there was some mistake.

But Carlos looked mildly insulted before he nodded firmly. "I'm positive. After Camille finished talking he just came out and said it. Totally unfazed too. Like it was no big deal and didn't matter to him. But I could tell. . ." He trailed off and looked at the other boys to fill in the blanks. When they nodded slowly he jumped to his feet, his enthusiasm returning. "So, I have an idea. Let's go get a tree!"

James and Kendall brightened at the idea. "Yeah!" Kendall said eagerly. "That's a great idea. Let's ask my mom right now." They immediately went to seek out Mrs. Knight and Katie who were in the kitchen browsing through a cook book but once the boys told them their idea, they forgot all about dinner.

"What if you boys get a tree and Katie and I go out and buy some decorations?" Kendall's mother asked. The boys quickly agreed and they went off to find Logan.

"What's up?" He greeted them curiously. Camille had gone to her room and he was about to go to 2J when his three friends came crashing into the lobby. He couldn't help but grin at their obvious excitement even though he had no idea what was going on.

"Are you feeling up for a trip?" Kendall asked hopefully. Since his return Logan had been looking better but no one ever knew what to expect. They could only take one day at a time.

Logan's eyes lit up at the mention of a trip. "What kind of trip?" He asked more than ready to get out of Palm Woods. "I feel fine." He said quickly when his friends hesitated. "Great actually." He added, surprised that he actually did feel so good.

Carlos grinned at Logan's reassurance. "We're not telling." He said before James and Kendall could tell Logan where they were going. "It's a surprise." It was a spur-of-the-moment decision but he could tell instantly that James and Kendall approved. "Come on!" He said bounding away to the Palm Woods parking lot.

Logan raised his eyebrows questioningly but only received head shakes from his other friends. He sighed dramatically and got up to follow. "Well then let's go." He didn't care where he went. He was getting cabin fever from staying in the same place for so long. When he did go anywhere it was always to the hospital to get treated. Once in a while it was a simple treatment but always it was back and forth between Pam Woods and the hospital.

Mrs. Knight had given her son the keys to the van and told them that she and Katie would take the bus. So Logan climbed in the back with James while Carlos and Kendall took the front. Kendall because he was driving and Carlos because sitting in the front seat of the car usually helped him restrain from bouncing around too much when he was excited.

From where he sat, Logan tried to read his friends but for once he couldn't even begin to guess. Carlos was obviously thrilled over their secret, Kendall was driving slightly too fast the way he did when he himself was excited and James looked happier than he had in days despite the shadow of depression that still hung over his general mood. Getting no clues from the other boys he looked out the window trying to guess where they were headed.

"We're getting a Christmas tree!" Carlos exploded so suddenly that the other three jumped. Kendall rolled his eyes while James groaned and shook his head at Carlos' inability to keep secrets for longer than ten minutes at a time.

"So much for a surprise." Kendall laughed.

"Really?" They would have had to be blind to miss the childlike sparkle that brightened Logan's eyes. He sat up to peer out the window.

"Yup." James confirmed. His depression eased to see Logan look so happy and he pushed all thoughts of his flight back home away. "Mrs. Knight and Katie went to buy decorations."

"You know," Logan said softly. "I haven't had a Christmas tree since before my mom died." He echoed the words he had spoken only moment ago to Camille, the very ones that Carlos had overheard.

"Really?" Kendall was the only one who managed to speak. "That. . . sucks." He finished lamely for lack of anything better to say. Though Carlos had already told them the same thing it sounded different coming from Logan. He had tried to pass it off as if it were no longer a big deal to him but they could all hear the hurt and disappointment in his voice.

They rode in silence for a while before Carlos sat up and pointed. "Look!"

"It's really strange looking for a Christmas tree with no snow on the ground." Logan remarked as Kendall pulled into a tree lot. "It is pretty chilly out though." He added because even in California winters cold be cold and wet. The night before it had rained slightly leaving behind a damp and chilly air. Kendall came to a stop and the boys pulled their jackets on before climbing out.

Carlos clapped his hands together and looked around. "So," He said uncertainly. "What do we do now?"

Logan pointed toward a small building just ahead of them. "You could probably get a saw for cutting down the tree over there. But if we don't want to carry it around while we look, we could just look around to start with."

"Let's get a saw and then look." Kendall suggested. "It looks like there's plenty to pick from. It might not take too long."

The boys quickly obtained their saw and began wandering around. It was harder than Kendall had originally assumed. Most of the trees they liked already had ribbons tied around their branches to indicate that someone had already claimed them. Others looked good from far away but under closer inspection Logan would point out that it was crooked or there were too many bald spots.

"Look at this one." Logan finally said. He circled the tree and studied it carefully. "I don't see anything wrong with it or a ribbon. You think it's too tall though?" He eyed the top doubtfully and turned to his friends. "Hello? Guys?"

"Oh." James and the other boys had been watching Logan carefully for signs that he was tiring but had seen none. Instead being outside in the fresh air had brought a faint tinge of color to his face and there was energy in his movements that they hadn't seen in months. Any trace of seriousness was gone for the moment. James realized that the excursion meant more to Logan than he had imagined before. He looked carefree and happy. "Um," James said trying to focus on the tree. "No, I don't think it's too big." He said honestly. "I think it's just the right size."

Carlos and Kendall nodded in agreement. "Nice pick, Logan." Kendall said as he walked over to the tree. The saw they had been given was a light weight chain saw that was easy enough to use. He yanked the cord until it started up with a roar then knelt down to cut the tree down.

The trip had gone perfectly up until then. But as soon as the saw began to cut into the tree wood shavings flew everywhere. Logan tried to clear his throat at first but then started to cough. It was only a slight cough to begin with but soon he was coughing so hard that he saw black spots dancing in front of him and his lungs burned for proper oxygen. He groaned inwardly when the roar of the chainsaw stopped and he felt his friends gathering around him. Fortunately, nearly as soon as the dust and shavings stopped flying he was able to get his breath back and he smiled apologetically. "Sorry." He coughed carefully. "That was dusty."

"Are you okay?" James had gone white with fear and Kendall and Carlos were equally shaken but Logan could tell that they were trying to remain calm for his sake.

"Yeah. I'm fine now." Logan took a deep breathe. "But I probably shouldn't be right here while you finish."

"I'll go with you." James offered quickly. Kendall and Carlos both hesitated before nodding. James and Logan walked a short distance before coming to a stop where they could just see Carlos and Kendall. James glanced at Logan anxiously. "Are you sure you're okay, Logan? We could go wait in the car."

Logan shook his head. "I'm okay, James. Really. Sorry for scaring you like that. I wasn't thinking about the shavings and everything." He laughed. "It's been so long since I've done this."

James could tell that Logan was telling him the truth. He looked slightly paler than he had before but the color was already returning. But the incident had reminded him of just how sick Logan still was and how he had no desire to leave him and the Knights for Minnesota.

As usual, Logan seemed to sense that he was thinking of something other than the moment at hand. "What's up?"

James could see the worry etched in Logan's face. They were all concerned about him. Logan talked about depression and had even suggested counseling which James adamantly refused. Hiding something from Logan was like trying to keep a hound dog off the trail of a fox. James sighed. "I was just thinking about next week." He admitted. "I don't want to leave." He swallowed hard and rolled his eyes to keep from crying like a baby in the middle of the tree lot. He stared at Kendall and Carlos as they finished cutting the tree down. He couldn't meet Logan's sympathetic gaze.

"I don't want you guys to go either." Logan said slowly. "It'd be awesome if you could stay. But," He added when James got a look in his eyes that said he was thinking of planning something. "You guys both have families back in Minnesota. You haven't really seen them for a while and it's Christmas soon. You already missed Thanksgiving because I was so sick. Don't you want to see your family?"

"I do." James said. "But. . . I don't want to leave you. I'm. . . I'm afraid, Logan."

Logan bit his lip. "I'm okay now, James. I seriously doubt that things will change that much in three weeks."

"They have before." James said bitterly. "Remember how good you were feeling around Kendall's birthday? And mine was only three weeks later and you were dying. And then it just kept getting worse. Now you're better and home but for how long? You don't know what's going to happen next." He struggled to regain his control when he saw that Kendall and Carlos were making their way towards them with the tree. "None of us do."

Logan was silent for a while. Then just before Kendall and Carlos were within earshot he turned to James. "I promise I'll still be here when you get back, James." Logan very rarely made promises because he didn't want to risk letting anyone down. He was no stranger to the pain that could be brought on by broken promises. But James could see in his eyes that this time at least, there would be no broken promise.

"Feeling better, Logan?" Carlos struggled to balance his end of the tree and look at Logan. His brown eyes were wide with concern.

"I'm fine now, Carlos." Logan smiled though he felt like he was stuck on repeat. He deeply appreciated his friends' concern and worry for him but he wanted to go a day without someone asking him how he felt.

Kendall seemed to sense that Logan wanted the subject to be dropped and since he looked much better than he had a moment ago, the tall blonde shifted the tree in his arms before changing the subject. "Let's go pay for this tree and get it loaded before I drop it." He caught Logan's grateful nod and nodded back before leading the way to the building up front.

It only took a total of five minutes before the tree was paid for and loaded onto the van. Then the boys climbed in and drove back to Palm Woods. They hadn't gone far when Logan fell asleep with his head resting on James' shoulder. Kendall and Carlos talked quietly while James pulled Logan closer to him and tried to pretend that everything would be okay. It was hard. He remembered when Logan had fallen asleep on Kendall's shoulder while watching a hockey game. That had been months ago and they had all thought it was just a bad cold. They had never been so wrong before.

James closed his eyes, a few tears escaping the barricade behind his eyes. He didn't want to leave next week. He knew that Carlos felt the same way but Carlos was actually stronger than James. Not to mention a better person. He would never think of burdening Logan or anyone else with his desire to stay at Palm Woods. Despite Logan's promise James felt the cold hand of fear slip around his hear and squeeze. He was terrified. With Logan asleep and Kendall and Carlos absorbed in their own discussion his depression had returned and it was all he could do to keep from screaming.

"James?" Kendall's quiet voice broke through the darkness and James looked up. Kendall had his eyes on the road but every chance he got, his eyes would dart up to the rear view mirror to look at him in concern. Carlos had twisted around completely and with one glance James could tell that both of them knew what he was thinking.

It wasn't that Logan had fallen asleep. He did that nearly every day no matter how healthy he seemed. Some days were good like now where he had energy to use until he wound up sleeping. Other days were bad. On those days Logan never had energy from the time he got up to the time he went to bed. On those days he moved from room to room slowly, like an old man instead of an eighteen year old kid. Those were the worst days.

But it wasn't because he was asleep after starting the day off so well. Carlos' own eyes filled with tears as he spoke. "I don't want to leave either."

**A/N. First let me say that I tried to ease up on the angst and as you can see I failed. Second of all this chapter was written in Massachusetts, Maine, and New Jersey because I love you all so much and I even wrote part of it while we were driving. Third of all, thanks to the writers of the stories I've been reading for making me cry in hotel lobbies. Fourth and last of all, I am so sorry I haven't responded to reviews in a long time. I've been BUSY. I will try to start over again from this chapter. Hope you liked it! Please review! OH! One more thing, we were supposed to get home on Friday but I'm a baby and I got homesick so here we are! I am now going to watch 'Big Time Secrets' on Nick's website. YAY!**


	49. Promises

**A/N. Thanks to all of the wonderful reviews. You are all the best. I don't own anything. Read on.**

"James? You ready to go?" Logan poked his head into James' room. His curious gaze softened when he saw his friend sitting on his bed like he was in a trace. "Hey." He sat down next to James. "What's up?"

At first James didn't answer him. Then he glanced at the suitcase by his feet a spoke in a tight voice. "What do you think?" He didn't mean the words to sound so harsh, especially because he was talking to Logan. But he knew Logan understood him. Logan always understood.

Logan merely nodded before falling silent. Outside the room the boys could hear the hushed bustle as everyone else prepared for the trip to the airport. Then Logan cleared his throat. "It's only for a week and a half." He said quietly.

"A week and a half too long." James responded. He heaved a sigh and stood up, grabbing his suitcase. His hand gripped the handle tightly and he glared at the offending luggage carrier with resentment burning in his dark eyes. Then he met Logan's sympathetic gaze and his anger melted into sadness and reluctance. "I don't want to go." He said softly.

They had already had the same conversation last week while they waited for Carlos and Kendall to finish with the tree. And Logan had promised him, something Logan never did, that he would still be there when Carlos and James got back from spending Christmas in their families. But that didn't make it any easier.

But Logan was as patient as ever. "Well," He stood up next to James. "It'll go by so fast that before you know it you'll be hanging out with me again at three in the morning when we can't sleep. Christmas week always flies by."

"Not this time." James shook his head. "Logan, I was thinking last night when I couldn't sleep. It'll be the first Christmas in years that we're not all together. I know we never saw each other on Christmas day but every other day we hung out. This is different."

Logan's smile fell slightly as he thought about James' words. It was all too true. It was more than the fact the he was sick and Carlos and James were both scared to death of leaving him. They didn't want to leave because they had always been together. He couldn't remember the last time they had spent more than three days apart and now two of his friends would be gone for ten days. It suddenly seemed like an eternity. "So then we have to settle for what we have." He said, searching for optimism. "You and Carlos can hang out and I'll hang out with Kendall."

It didn't work for with of them but the subject was dropped as the forlorn looking pair of Kendall and Carlos appeared in the doorway. "Ready?" Kendall asked with so much regret in the one word that James briefly considered tying himself to his desk so that he could stay. Logan knew how to tie all sorts of insane knots and Carlos could stay too.

It was a mixture of creepy and funny the way the boys' could read the others' minds. Logan caught James' glance as it went from his desk to Carlos to his bed sheets spread across his unmade bed. When it swung his way, Logan raised his eyebrows and shook his head, an amused grin tugging at the edges' of his mouth. His last reserve shot down James' shoulders slumped and he picked up his bag. "Ready." He said in a dull tone. He started to follow Kendall and Carlos as they turned and left but Logan stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"James, before we go. . ." Logan trailed off and dropped his gaze to the floor. When he spoke again he was still staring at the dark blue carpet. "Remember what I said when we were at the tree lot? My promise?"

James nodded fear suddenly constricting his throat and cutting off speech. If Logan was about to take back his promise there was no way he was going anywhere. Surely Carlos had a couple pairs of his fathers' handcuffs lying around. What if they chained themselves to the desks and ate the keys? That was what they did is prison wasn't it? But James was getting the facts mixed up. He mentally shook is head and focused on answering Logan. "Yeah." It came out in a mere whisper.

Logan finally looked up to face him and instead of the sadness and regret that James had expected to see, there was fear. But it wasn't just a little. Logan had gone through so much and had always faced it with a brave face. But this time James could see the terror clearly in his brown eyes. "I need you to promise me something too, okay?" He begged.

James could only nod wordlessly because seeing Logan so vulnerable suddenly scared him too. He hated to see Logan so distraught. It wasn't like him.

"Um," Logan looked back down at his feet quickly before finally coming to face James. He took a deep breath and spoke. "You've been really worrying me James. Even after we talked. I'm scared for you. You're not yourself. And I know that earlier Carlos was having a lot of problems. But he seems like he's okay now. Better at least. But you. . . It's like you're drowning and I can't do anything to save you this time. No matter what I do or say it's never enough. James, I don't know what's going to happen to me. I've been feeling really great for while now. But I know that can change pretty quickly. Anyway, you have to promise me something. Please?"

The noise of the others faded until James could no longer hear them at all. Logan's brown eyes were pleading for him to understand. He could only nod again.

"I need you to promise that no matter what happens to me, you won't go anywhere either. Promise me that you'll stay with Kendall and Carlos. Promise me. . . promise me that you won't do anything. . ." Logan struggled for the words. "Stupid or crazy. Reckless." It was clear what he was trying to say but his fear stopped him from actually speaking the real words.

There was absolutely no use in denying anything. James himself knew that he had issues though he still refused to go to counseling no matter how much anyone, even Logan tried. But seeing Logan's face and hearing his words was like a slap in the face and James realized what he had been doing to all of them. The worst past was knowing that in his continued downward spiral, he had hurt Logan. He was supposed to be strong for Logan and he had been dragging him down. James remembered how he had told his support group the story of Logan saving his life. All he had ever wanted to do was to return the favor. James knew that the opportunity had presented itself in a way he had never expected. But it was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. Because he knew that by making the promise that Logan was so desperate for, he might have to let go. Still, he nodded. "I promise, Logan." He choked on the tears but he meant every single word and seeing the relief in Logan's face made it almost worth the pain.

* * *

The car ride to the airport was completely silent until they drove around the bend to the entrance. Then Carlos started to cry quietly and like dominoes they all fell one by one after him. It wasn't the shoulder shaking sobs that often plagued them from time to time. There were sniffles and choked sobs every once in a while but when they all climbed out of the car they must have looked awful because people hurrying back actually glanced back to watch them in morbid curiosity.

Christmas was supposed to be a time of joy. But the small group was completely devoid of the emotion. Their arrival brought a dark cloud of sadness to the busy airport and they either received looks of blind sympathy or looks of disgust. Kendall glared back darkly at a man in a business suit who rolled his eyes and muttered something about "gloomy and depressing people screwing up the holiday season" before hurrying off to catch his flight.

"Try to hang in there, boys." Mrs. Knight kissed both James and Carlos gently on the forehead and pulled them into an embrace before stepping back. "You'll be back soon." She watched as Katie hugged them each tightly and then took her daughter back a few yards and waited for the boys to say goodbye.

Before any of them could decide what to say or do Carlos had dragged Logan into a tight hug and was clinging to him like he was afraid to let go. His body shook but no tears ran down his cheeks. It was amazing how much comfort he found in Logan's returning hug. Despite his weakness Logan could still give the others strength.

Kendall stood by feeling a little awkward. He got to stay with Logan. But just same he would miss Carlos and James. He also, along with the others was worried about James. He didn't want either of them to disappear from his sight but like Logan constantly reminded him, Kendall couldn't fix everything. It was a relief though when James hugged him and then they switched and Carlos leaned on him. James and Carlos were scared. They both looked ready to drop but managed to hold steady as they stepped away.

"See you in a week and a half?" Carlos' cheery face was a mask that for once no one tried to pull away. They needed all the happiness they could get even though it was false.

Kendall cleared his throat and nodded. He watched as James wrapped an arm around Carlos' shoulders and mimicked the protective action with Logan. They watched as Carlos and James walked with their heads turned back to look at them.

"They're going to give themselves whiplash if they keep doing that." Logan muttered.

Kendall gave a short laugh. Logan sounded like his old self. The wannabe doctor self. He and Logan both chuckles slightly when Carlos ran into an old lady who promptly whacked Carlos with her pocket book. But soon the two faded from view and Logan and Kendall could do nothing but turn and walk away.

"This is already the worst Christmas ever." James said as he and Carlos waited in line to show their tickets. "We've already been waiting for an hour and that's just our tickets."

"Too bad we didn't miss our flight." Carlos mumbled in return. "Wouldn't that be a shame?"

James brightened. "We could always-"

"Logan would kill us." Carlos interrupted.

"I know." Jame sighed. They moved to the front of the line and handed their tickets to the woman waiting behind the counter.

"I'm sorry these tickets have been canceled." She pushed her glasses up and handed them back. "Next?"

"Wait!" Carlos exclaimed nearly knocking James over. "Seriously?"

The woman sighed. "Yes sir. You'll need to go to the front desk to see what the problem is. It may be that-" But Carlos and James were already tripping over each other in their rush to get out of a line. They stumbled into a corner to think things over.

"I don't understand." James said fighting down the joy that he knew he shouldn't be feeling. There was no way they could get a ticket now. They had been bought three months in advanced.

"Carlos!" Both of them froze at the sound of a familiar voice. Before they could place it a little girl had launched herself into Carlos' arms.

"Lila?" He scooped her up and hugged her back. "What in the world are you doing here?"

"We are spending Christmas with you! All of us!"

James and Carlos looked to see where she pointed. Both of their families waved and smiled as they hurried across the room to where they were standing.

**A/N. So there you have it. Carlos and James get to spend Christmas with Kendall and Logan. The explanation will come in the next chapter but I wanted to end it like this. Reviews are love!**


	50. Christmas

**A/N. My little brother who is one of my best friends in the whole world because he listens to whatever I have to say no matter how stupid it is, asked me to give the boys a happy Christmas. No, he doesn't read my stories. He thinks I need a 'BTR' intervention. But we talk about what I write and he thinks it's kinda cool and all. But I would do anything for him so giving the boys a happy Christmas is relatively simple. This chapter is dedicated to the best little brother ever, who will one day, make some lucky girl, the happiest woman alive. Oh, and I don't own anything.**

Kendall watched Logan in concern and seriously considered calling the airport and stalling James' and Carlos' flight long enough to drag them back to Palm Woods where they belonged. He would take the blame when their parents called, upset that their sons weren't with them to celebrate Christmas. Kendall hadn't said anything but he resented his friends' families for taking them away at a time when they so desperately needed each other.

Logan was pretending to read but every few seconds, his glance would stray from the open book to the Christmas tree. When they had finished decorating it last week, he had declared it the most beautiful tree he had ever seen in his life. But as Kendall followed his gaze, the absence of their other friends was only felt more strongly. The decorations Carlos had hung were crooked and looked on the verge of falling of their branch but no one tried to straighten them. James had hung whatever Logan had handed to him with the utmost care around the top of the tree where he could easily reach. Kendall glanced back at Logan and walked over to the couch to sit next to him.

"You okay?" He asked softly. For once he didn't mean Logan's health. The excitement of actually celebrating Christmas had done more for Logan than the chemo had done in months. He had more energy and he hadn't been sick in weeks. But as Kendall looked at Logan he saw the sadness in his eyes that should never be there.

At his words, Logan looked down at his book and stared at it blankly before answering. "I wish Carlos and James could have stayed. I know it's selfish of me but. . . it doesn't feel right without them. They've only been gone for a couple of hours and I miss them like crazy already. It's weird because we've never been apart for so long before." He turned to face Kendall, tears brightening his eyes. "It feels empty here."

"I know." Kendall put his arm around Logan's thin shoulders and drew him into a one-armed hug. "I feel exactly the same way."

"But they should be home for Christmas." Logan added, sounding like he was trying to convince himself. "They should be with their families. It is Christmas after all. I'm spending Christmas with my family." He added with a small smile.

It was meant to be comforting but it was more than that. Kendall brought his other arm around Logan and hugged him tighter. "Logan, you have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that."

Logan nodded. "I do though. This will be the first real Christmas I've had in years. My dad was never very celebratory after my mom died. He gave me a few presents and all but it lasted about an hour before he locked himself in his office to do work. I have a family this year and I'm so grateful for that." He sighed. "I just wish James and Carlos could be here."

Just then the door was flung open and Kendall and Logan found themselves in a four-way-hug courtesy of James and Carlos themselves. Carlos was babbling on and on about something to do with their tickets being canceled and his little sister Lila but it was nearly impossible to decipher his endless stream of words. James was perfectly silent but when he lifted his head, his eyes were shinning and alive for the first time in a long time. He looked like the old James.

"What are you guys doing here?" Logan asked once he and Kendall had recovered from their shock of seeing James and Carlos come bursting into the room right after Logan had wished for them.

Since Carlos wasn't making enough sense to be coherent, James slapped a hand over his friend's mouth until he quieted down. Then he smiled broadly and spoke. "When we got to the front of the ticket line the woman there told us that our tickets had been canceled. We walked away to try and figure things out but Lila came running over to us. She hugged Carlos and then told us that everyone was spending Christmas here. Then we saw everyone."

"Who's everyone?" Logan asked, still confused.

"Everyone." Carlos broke in emphatically. "My parents and sisters, and James' parents. They told us that they made a last minute decision the day before and they canceled our tickets and somehow got enough for all of them to fly out here. They didn't even have time to call us before it was so. . . last minute." He bounced up and down in obvious excitement. "So we're not leaving!" He proclaimed happily. "We're staying right here."

Finally understanding, Kendall and Logan took on huge grins as well. They would all be together and that was the best present any of them could wish for. "Where is everyone then?" Logan asked suddenly.

"They're coming." James looked at his watch. "They also somehow managed to find hotel reservations. They're dropping their stuff off and coming here as soon as they finish."

"Wow." Logan shook his head. "I can't believe this. It's pretty incredible you know? Here we didn't want you guys to leave and now not only are you here, but your families are too."

The door opened then to reveal a smiling Mrs. Knight and Katie. "James! Carlos! So good to see you again!" Her words told the boys that she had discovered what was going on. "Look who I found in the parking lot."

She pushed the door all the way open to reveal James' parents and Carlos' large family. Immediately, Carlos five little sisters launched themselves at Kendall and Logan. Despite the youngest, Anna, being only five, they all seemed to sense that they could not tackle Logan the way they did the other boys and settled for gentle hugs instead.

Carlos' mother waited until her daughters were finished, then drew Logan into a hug of her own. Her husband had told her how much Logan had been weakened by his illness but his words hadn't been enough to prepare her for his appearance. He was much to thin and pale and obviously weak. She was afraid to hug him too tightly because she feared he would break.

James' parents took one look at Logan and understood the haunted look in their son's eyes when they first saw each other at the airport. Though he was smiling and alert, there was a deep pain and weariness in his eyes that no one, much less an eighteen-year-old boy, should ever have. They hugged Logan while quietly berating themselves for ever thinking that taking James away from his friends was a good idea.

Mr. Garcia was the only parent who hadn't been negatively affected by seeing Logan. But then, the last time he had seen him, he had returned from his sudden death. And before then, as the doctors prepared for his surgery, Carlos Garcia Sr. had trouble believing that Logan would survive the ordeal. To his eyes, Logan looked healthier and more like himself. But as he hugged Logan himself, he knew that they still had a long road ahead.

The adults stepped back and watched the boys for a moment. They had often teased their sons about their close bond. But today, they felt nothing but pride.

* * *

"Carlos?"

Carlos stirred in his sleep and shifted his position in his sleeping bag. A brush of air hit his face and tickled his nose. A hand tapped his forehead and he swatted weakly at it. He heard a faint chuckle and then his name again.

"Wake up, Carlos."

Reluctantly, he opened his eyes to find Logan's face inches from his. He blinked. "Hi?" He cautiously moved so that he could see Logan better. "Should you be doing that?"

Logan has hanging of his bed with his head nearly touching the floor. His face was slightly red from the effort and all the blood rushing to his head. He rolled his eyes at Carlos' question. "I sincerely doubt that it's something I need to be concerned about." He grinned. "Besides, you should have seen your face." When Carlos returned his grin with a small smile of concern, Logan sighed and used his arms to push himself back on his bed. But he made a mistake by push off of Carlos sleeping bag and his hands slipped and he just missed Carlos as he fell gracefully to the floor.

"Logan!" Carlos sat up in alarm. "Are you okay?"

But Logan was shaking so hard with silent laughter that he couldn't answer Carlos right away. When Carlos frowned and crossed his arms it only made Logan laugh harder until finally he had to stop because he couldn't breath. "Sorry." He said breathlessly. "I couldn't help it."

"Help what? Falling out of your bed or laughing at me when I'm worried about you?" The words were spoken softly so as not to wake up the still sleeping Kendall and James but Logan could easily read the hurt in Carlos eyes.

"I'm sorry." He said again. "You used to laugh when something like this happened. We all did." The sorrow in his eyes was so strong that Carlos pretended to be distracted by their other friends.

Finally he turned back to Logan and allowed a full grin. "It _was_ really funny." He admitted. "I'm just worried about-"

"You're worried about me." Logan finished with sigh. "Believe me I know." He sat up and rested his head on the side of his bed. "I want to go back to normal." He whispered. He watched as Carlos nodded in agreement. Then his face lit up again and he remembered why he had woken Carlos up in the first place. "Hey, Carlos. You know what I just remembered?"

Carlos was confused by Logan's sudden change of subject. It wasn't something Logan did very often. He wrinkled his brow in thought and then shrugged when he came up empty. He shook his head. "Nope."

"Today is Christmas." Logan announced. He stood up and pulled Carlos to his feet. "It's 7:30 on Christmas morning and from what I can hear in the hall, we're the only ones still in bed."

"Christmas!" Carlos exclaimed. "I can't believe I forgot!" He yanked his helmet out from the bottom of his sleeping bag and jammed it roughly on his head. "And Kendall and James are still asleep!" He hesitated and looked at Logan. "Should we wake them up or let them sleep?"

Logan laughed. "Carlos, it's Christmas. Do you really have to ask?" He watched James and Kendall. "The only question is. . . how do we go about waking them? We could take a page out of Katie's book and use the cold water treatment. We could just open the door and let the noise in. Or. . . we could be nice and wake them up like normal people do."

"Normal?" Carlos considered the word. "I want normal back as much as you do Logan but it's Christmas. This calls for a special wake up call."

"Then we could wake them up like normal on Christmas." Logan said helpfully. "If you know what I mean."

Carlos perked up. "Logan, when did you become so mischievous?" He asked with a laugh.

Logan rolled his eyes. "After thirteen years of hanging around you I was bound to be influenced one of these days."

"And you have so much control for lasting all of these years before it finally happened." Carlos clapped his hands together. "So then, Logan. What's your evil little scheme?"

Logan sat at the edge of his bed and considered. Then a thought occurred to him and he nearly choked on his laughter. "We've all seen _Mighty Ducks 2 _right?"

* * *

James shoved Kendall away from the sink and scrubbed his head wildly. "Seriously?" He whined. "Shaving cream?" He peaked out from under his dripping hair and tried to glare at Logan and Carlos who were both wearing innocent looks on their faces. But though Logan often excelled at poker faces, Carlos could never hide the laughter in his eyes. He snorted and Logan elbowed him half-heartedly.

"Shhh." He whispered dramatically. "They don't know for sure that it was us." He turned and faced James and Kendall with a serious expression on his face. "II bet it was Katie and your sisters, Carlos."

Carlos cleared his throat and struggled to mimic Logan's face. "Yeah. Probably Marie. She's always into those kinda of things. Watches too many prank videos on YouTube. And we all know Katie."

Kendall dried his hair on a towel and tossed a clean one to James. "And we all know you too, Carlos. I'm pretty sure you were the one who got your sister into the whole prank thing to begin with." He glanced in the mirror to make sure any trace of shaving cream was gone.

"Dude, that was not funny." James said. But the corners of his mouth were twitching and his eyes were amused. "Who do I thank for the idea?" His gaze swung from Logan to Carlos before stopping and staying on Carlos.

"Wrong!" Carlos said triumphantly. "It was Logan's idea."

"Really?" James asked skeptically. "I thought you were above pranks wars?"

"Wait a second." Logan said. "Who said anything about a prank war?"

James grinned. "Well, Logan once you prank someone, they prank you back. And so on and so forth, back and forth, yadda, yadda, yadda."

"But it's Christmas!" Logan reminded them brightly. "The season of forgiveness."

"Then what was up with our Christmas surprise?" Kendall asked. He knew that both he and James felt absolutely no resentment over the prank. It was funny. He could only imagine how ridiculous he looked, smearing shaving cream all over his own face. And Logan. . . it had to be some sort of Christmas magic because he could see no trace of Logan's illness besides his thin body. He cheeks were flushed from the excitement of surprising James and Kendall that morning. He had given up on pretending to be innocent and his eyes were bright with laughter.

At his question, Carlos looked at Logan. "Well," Logan said, pretending to give the question deep thought. "We thought it would be fun if you guys came out dressed as Santa Claus. And clearly you needed the facial hair than anything else. . ." He trailed off the shrugged his shoulders. "Carlos is a bad influence."

"Your idea." Carlos pointed out. "Anyway, since it's 8:00 on Christmas morning can we please get out and open some presents?"

James patted his face once more with the towel and tossed it into Carlos' face. "Last one there gets to clean Gustavo's mansion all by himself!" He yelled as he ran out into the hall. He strolled in the large family room and greeted everyone with a wide smile. He staggered forward a few steps when Logan failed to stop in time and ran unceremoniously into him.

"Whoops. Sorry, James." Logan grinned. "Are you all right?"

James couldn't help laughing a little at the unnecessary question. Obviously it was Logan's subtle way of showing him how annoying it could be. He couldn't imagine hearing it over and over again. "I'm _fine_." He emphasized the word the way Logan always did and gave him the gentlest shove possible. Then he slung an arm around the smaller boy's shoulders and turned to the adults and children.  
"Excuse us for our sudden and late appearance. Carlos and Logan decided to pull a little Christmas prank on Kendall and I." He nodded as Kendall and Carlos came rushing in. "It delayed our morning preparation a little bit."

Katie eyed the four boys. All of them looked as if they had just rolled out of bed. James hair gave knew meaning to the term "bed-head". It was sticking up in all sorts of direction instead of it's usual smooth and silky style. But it wasn't the James who was so worried about Logan that he didn't care about his appearance. He looked way too happy for that. They all did. They all looked giddy. Carlos was bouncing around the tree, looking for presents marked with his name. His helmet was on backwards but he didn't seem to notice. Her brother looked like the one she had grown up with. The old Kendall who was brimming of confidence. Logan looked almost normal and despite her joy at that, Katie was surprised. Maybe Christmas really was magical after all.

"Well, I am so glad that you could finally join us." Mrs. Knight hugged Kendall first and then Logan. Logan, caught off guard, stiffened in surprise at first, and then relaxed into his adoptive mother's embrace. "Merry Christmas, boys." She cupped Logan's face in her hands and studied him. "Logan," She said, beaming. "You look wonderful."

Logan_ felt _wonderful. It was Christmas Day. For the first time in years he was actually celebrating Christmas for real. The tree was lit and looked beautiful despite the sun shinning through the windows. Something was cooking in the kitchen and he was shocked to find that he was hungry. He hadn't had an appetite in months. Everyone in the room looked so joyous and carefree. Life almost seemed normal.

"Are we going to open presents or eat breakfast first?" James' father, the only other parent besides Mrs Knight who could cook stood over a large skillet filled with pancakes.

Mrs. Garcia glanced at all six of her hyper children and set the last place at the table. She could cook any spicy Hispanic dinner out there. But when it came to breakfast or lunch she leaned towards cereal and peanut butter sandwiches. Watching the kids, she smiled. "I don't know how much longer Carlos will last." She teased.

"Mom!" Carlos protested. His ears turned bright red and he sat down on the floor with an angelic expression on his face. He fiddled with his hands. "I can wait."

"For about three more minutes before you explode anyway." Logan sat down next to Carlos. He eyed the mound of presents with a troubled look on his face but brightened when he realized that Carlos was giving him a funny look. "Breakfast can wait." He said quickly.

"So can the presents." James' mother pointed out. "Are you hungry, Logan?"

Logan bit his lip, the attention making him uncomfortable. "I can wait." He told her honestly. No sense in putting off the inevitable.

There were squeals of joy from the girls and everyone sat down around the tree. Kendall and James sat with Carlos and Logan while their sisters sat together and the adults took in the happy scene from the couches.

Even looking at the piles, no one could have guessed at the number of presents beneath the tree until the floor was littered in wrapping paper and there were stacks of opened gifts lining the walls. The girls had moved to a more open area and were looking over their prizes in awe.

Mrs. Knight kicked aside a ball of wrapping paper and stood up. "Ready for breakfast now?" Her question was met with a chorus of enthusiastic voices and people began to stand up and follow her to the kitchen.

Kendall began to stand but stopped short when he realized that Logan hadn't moved. He sank back down to the floor and put his hand on Logan's shoulder. "Logan?" He asked softly, so as not to attract any unwanted attention. "Are you okay?" James and Carlos were still nearby and quickly took their seats again.

Logan lifted his gaze from the floor. His three friends were watching him in concern but he couldn't speak around the lump in his throat. He glanced over at the table where everyone was climbing into their seats. "I was just thinking." He said quietly. A lone tear rolled down his face and he brushed it away, hoping that no one noticed and knowing that at least three people did.

"About?" Kendall said patiently.

"I was just thinking about all of those years I thought I never had a real family. I thought that since my mom died, my family was broken. It was just me and my dad in our house and he never cared about anything. But I was wrong. I just realized that he wasn't my family. My real family is right here. All of you." Logan felt a little embarrassed by being so emotional but the three smiles that appeared when he was finished was worth it all to him.

"You were always a part of our family, Logan." Kendall told him. "Never forget that." On each side of him, James and Carlos nodded firmly.

"Thanks." Logan smiled but there was still something in the back of his mind that bothered him.

Kendall was quick to notice. "Anything else?" He asked, not wanting to force Logan into taking about something that upset him on Christmas. But he didn't want Logan to keep anything inside of him. He watched his friend closely for anything that would tell him what was wrong. Logan had been completely happy earlier.

"Um." Logan dropped his gaze and traced the pattern in the rug. "Yeah, but it's not really important." He said, trying to ignore the burning in the backs of his eyes.

"Logan," James spoke this time. "We care about you. Something's bothering you and we want to know what it is. But if it's too personal we understand." What he really wanted to do was shake the truth out of Logan. But he at least had a vague understanding of that his friends must have felt when he had continually shut them out.

"It's just that. . . everyone here gave me so many wonderful presents." Logan sniffed and dragged a hand over his eyes. "And I have nothing to give anyone."

The world had shrunk to the four of them. All that mattered to James, Carlos, and Kendall was Logan and Logan was nearly in tears over something that was beyond his control. "Logan," Carlos' throat ached and his own eyes filled with tears. "That's not your fault at all, Logan. You were sick-"

"And that's what bothers me. I'm always sick and I can't do anything for you. But this is the worst. It's Christmas and I can't give you any presents."

James jaw clenched in determination. "Logan." He said firmly. "Look at me." When Logan met his gaze with his own troubled expression, James softened his voice. "You're wrong. I think I speak for all of us here when I say that. You're still here. You haven't given up even when most people would have a long time ago. You came back to us even though most people would have gone on to Heaven. You've kept us together when we started to fall apart. You're _alive_ Logan. And I can't think of anything else I'd rather have."

**A/N. Was that chapter happy? Wow. I think it was. I mean, yeah there was angst but Logan was so healthy and everyone was so happy that I think I'll actually sleep well tonight because I won't feel guilty. YAY! Anyway, I have to point out, in case you didn't notice, that this was chapter 50 and that's cool because 50 is an awesome number. But I never would have reached 50 if I didn't get such amazing feedback. So here are BTR stuffed. . . boys for you to play with. I love you all!**


	51. Setback

**A/N. I didn't sleep well the other night because I was still on a happy high from C50. I can't believe I wrote something that happy. Maybe there's hope for me after all! -looks at C51- Or not. I apologize in advance for the angst in this chapter. It ran away with me again. I don't own anything.**

It was a remarkably chilly night for Los Angeles, California. But it was December so it wasn't too unusual. Palm Woods was still and silent. Only a handful of people walked around the otherwise empty hotel and busied themselves for what lay ahead. Mr. Bitter sat at his front desk talking to a patrolling police officer while every now and then their glances strayed up to the live TV broadcast of Times Square in New York. Across the United States in the Big Apple, people were huddled together, wrapped in warm clothing. In California, a light rain was falling making the air seem cooler than it actually was. Those who weren't out at a party, were watching the TV, watching their fellow Americans prepare the start the new year a full three hours before they would.

James ran his lucky comb through his hair and stared at his reflection. He was supposed to go out with Julie tonight to welcome in the new year. But his heart wasn't in it.

Though Logan had been miraculously healthy on Christmas day and the next two days after that, he had once again suffered a setback and tonight, New Year's Eve, he was sound asleep at 7:30 in the evening. He had woken up looking pale and tired with no appetite to speak of and only looked worse after he was coaxed into eating a piece of toast. All day, they had waited in apprehension for something to happen but nothing did.

The comb fell limply from from James' fingers as they started to shake with fear. Despite Logan's constant assurances he couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that he had felt since he first seen Logan that morning. He couldn't convince himself that they would leave and come back to find Logan still in one piece. It didn't work that way anymore. James thought of the last time he had left Logan on his birthday date with Julie.

For weeks he had been plagued by nightmares. Every time he closed his eyes, James could see it as easily as if it were actually happening all over again. Logan's small frame tucked again Carlos. Logan's body jerking away from Carlos' arms and the blood streaming from his mouth staining everything around in the crimson liquid. But eventually the nightmares had faded away to become a blissfully rare occurrence. Still.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't go. Julie would understand. He knew she would. She always did. She would probably understand better than Logan who would throw a fit once James told him about his decision. But James cared more about Logan than he did about Logan's stubborn insistence that he spend the evening with his girlfriend. Carlos and Kendall would probably be mad to for backing out of their triple date.

A thought brightened James' attitude. He left the bathroom to seek out Kendall and Carlos. Both of them were standing at the kitchen counter looking like they had no idea what was going on or what they were supposed to be doing. Carlos was fully dressed but only one foot was clad in a shoe. Kendall was still dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. "Guys," He greeted them with a grin. "I have an idea."

"And that is?"

James could instantly tell from Kendall's flat tone of voice that he had no desire to leave the apartment that night either. Which made his idea seem all the more brilliant. "Let's call the girls and tell them to take Camille out for the girls' night out and we'll hang out here and have a guys' night in. Camille wasn't going to do anything anyway since Logan's too sick. She'll be all alone with no one to hang out with. That's not cool. Even Logan will have to admit it."

"Admit what?"

The three boys spun around to see Logan dragging himself into the room. He collapsed into the nearest stool and let his head rest on the counter.

"Um, something." James answered evasively. He frowned. "How are you feeling, Logan?"

"Honestly?" Logan lifted his head high enough to see James. "Awful."

The fact that Logan hadn't even bothered to hide his discomfort was the final straw. James sat down across from him and looked him in the eyes. "Logan," He began, trying to sound firm. But his voice wobbled when he spoke his friend's name. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Logan, I know it's New Year's Eve and all that. I know you wanted us to go out tonight but. . . we can't."

His words penetrated through Logan's fuzzy thinking and he snapped his head up. "What do you mean you can't?" He demanded. He looked over to Carlos and Kendall who both nodded but looked at James for the explanation.

James sighed and went on. "Logan, the last time I left you was on my birthday." He saw Logan flinch noticeably and almost stopped there. Logan still felt guilty about that night. But he pushed on, trying to keep eye contact with Logan all the while. "All I can think about is how I got that text message from Carlos and how Julie and I saw the ambulance going to Palm Woods. And then I see you, Logan. And I see all that blood. And no matter what you tell me it'll never be enough to convince me to go out. Not when you're not feeling well anyway."

"James, you're being ridiculous." Logan felt too tired to hold his head up any more and let it drop one again to the counter. "This is nothing like last time. I just feel. . . sick that's all. Do not stay here. I won't be any company. If I am awake I'll probably be throwing up because that's how I feel. I won't be any fun."

"Yeah, well I care a little more about you than Julie. And I know that Kendall and Carlos feel the same way, Logan. The girls will understand. We know that. But you're here and you're sick and if you really want us to go out tonight then you're going to have to use a much better argument then you being sick and not any fun." James felt Kendall nudge him and he gave a sharp nod. He knew he had to tread lightly because he didn't want to upset Logan. But when someone constantly questioned his worth it was difficult to be patient.

"It's New Year's Eve." Logan said emphasizing every single word into a plea. "You're supposed to go out on dates and have fun at parties and forget about your problems."

His words felt like a slap to the other boys. James, already feeling like throwing a tempter tantrum at that point, lost it. "Our problems? Do you think that's what you are to us, Logan?"

Logan drew back at the harsh sound in James' voice. His mouth dropped open slightly but he could form no words.

James shrugged off Kendall's hand on his shoulder and ranted on. "I don't get it, Logan. We've been best friends since we were five. Doesn't that mean anything to you? You're not the only one allowed to care. We're allowed to care too. But you won't let us. And you're the one who needs us the most but I feel like you're pushing us away. Sometimes you let us in and other times you don't. Sometimes you seem to get how much you mean to us and other times I feel like you have a cement block in your head where your brain is supposed to be. I thought you were supposed to be a genius, Logan. So why can't you get it through your thick skull that we love you and care about you? Why do you have to make everything so hard?"

"Shut up, James!"

James was already shocked by the vile words that had come spilling out of his mouth so hatefully. But when Carlos, who would never hurt anyone without a good reason, shoved him so hard that he stumbled into the counter, he felt literally sick to his stomach. "Logan." He choked out in a whisper of disbelief.

Logan had his head down on the counter and was trembling wildly. James couldn't tell if he was crying or if he was just scared. But the knowledge that he had caused Logan to break was enough to make James fall to the ground if he hadn't been sitting on his stool. He didn't respond to James and when Carlos and Kendall tried to touch him, he jerked away as if he was afraid of being hit.

If looks could kill, James would have been dead on the spot. Carlos and Kendall were fuming. The only thing that kept them from attacking James with their own words was Logan. "Logan? Talk to me." Carlos pleaded. But Logan only continued that awful shaking until finally he sat slowly up, his face a deathly pale.

James would rather die a million times over than ever inflict that kind of pain on one of his friends. Especially Logan when he needed them to be strong for him and not yelling at him and calling him stupid. He reached out to Logan, hoping beyond all hope that his giant mistake could somehow be forgiven. But for the first time, Logan shrank away from James' hand. He slid of the stool and stumbled back a couple steps, _away_ from James.

"Logan." James' voice broke on the single word.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Logan finally gasped out. He turned and fled down the hall before anyone could move or even speak.

All thoughts of James' cruel words had been shoved aside for the moment. The three boys dashed after Logan, colliding into one another several times in their panicked rush.

Logan was bent over the toilet, his shaking hands clutching the sides as he leaned over to lose whatever was in his stomach. James was amazed that after hardly eating all day, Logan had anything to throw up at all. But he watched in horror as Logan continued to vomit into the toilet bowl, tears streaming down his face.

"Go call 911." Kendall's voice was full of authority to a stranger but Carlos and James could easily hear the inner layer of fear in his words. Carlos spun around to obey but was stopped by Logan's voice.

"No." Logan settled back on his heels and leaned against Kendall's chest wearily. "I'm okay now. We don't need to call an ambulance for this."

Logically, Logan was right. It wasn't exactly an emergency. But he still needed to go to the hospital. "Then let us take you there." Kendall brushed Logan's hair off his sweaty forehead and turned to James. There was no animosity in his eyes, just worry for Logan. "Go get the wheelchair. We'll take Logan to the hospital ourselves."

James ran into Logan's room and jerked the folded wheelchair from it's place in the corner. His hands trembled nearly as bad as Logan's as he struggled to open the chair. He had performed the simple task numerous times without a problem. But the combination of his uncontrollable emotions and the fact that something seemed to be stuck was making it difficult. Finally, he wrenched it open. It flew open with a snap. To James' dismay he watched as a wheel rolled aimlessly across the floor before resting by the door. Losing what calm he had left, James flung the broken chair across the room where it smashed with an enormous crash into the wall. Then, he turned and ran back to his friends.

"What was that crash?" Carlos asked with wide eyes.

James ignored him and bent down next to Kendall and Logan on the floor. "Kendall, the wheelchair is broken. One of the wheels fell off." He was pretty sure that throwing it against Logan's wall had done nothing to help but it wasn't necessary to tell Kendall that. "Go start the car. You have to drive because I lost my license somewhere in my room, remember? I'll carry Logan out."

There was a brief hesitation from Kendall before he nodded and left. It was only a split second but James read everything in his green eyes. Kendall didn't trust him with Logan. If Logan hadn't turned to throw up once more and distracted him, James would have broken right then. Instead he rubbed Logan's back in what he hoped was a soothing gesture. When Logan was finally resting against him, James looked at Carlos who was staring at them with his wide brown eyes. "Carlos, grab that trash can and follow us, okay?"

"I. . . can walk." Logan insisted. But he only managed to sit up before resting his head on his knees. "Help." He said quietly.

Without a word, James gathered Logan into his arms and stood up. He staggered forward a few steps but not because Logan was heavy. He was far from heavy. Even though he had seemed to be getting better, Logan was feather light in James' arms and it caught him off guard. He could feel Logan's bones poking through his clothes jabbing James gently in his chest. But the sensation was like a knife to the heart. Logan's head rolled weakly to rest against James and he closed his eyes.

"Logan, stay awake buddy, okay?" James said softly. He followed Carlos down their hall and into the elevator. He didn't want to to risk tripping on the stairs but it seemed like the elevator picked the worst times to be slow.

"I'm awake." Logan coughed. "It feels better this way." He cringed as the doors opened and they walked out into the lobby. "Don't let anyone see us." He begged, embarrassment giving his pale cheeks the faintest tinge of red.

James tightened his grip and walked Logan into the night air, Carlos right beside them. Kendall was waiting in the front of the van, the back passenger door already open. Carlos waited until James had Logan situated and then handed him the trash can before running over the the other side and sliding in next to Kendall. Then, Kendall pulled out of the parking lot and into the streets of LA.

The boys were grateful for the lack of traffic. Everyone was obviously out partying by now and there wasn't another car during the entire ride to the hospital. "I called the hospital while I was waiting." Kendall informed them as he pulled up to the ER entrance. They're expecting us."

James carried Logan through the hospital doors and was met by a team of doctors. Before he knew it they had loaded his friend onto a stretcher and he was left standing there, his arms still open as he tried to get used to the fact that there was no longer anything in them.

**A/N. Apparently this is what happens when I write a happy chapter. I don't know what to say. Review? Unless you hate me. I will update as soon as I can. I'll start on C52 tomorrow and then I'll hopefully finish it sometime Friday or Saturday. Love you all!**


	52. Thousand

**A/N. Once again I am sorry in advance for the angst in this chapter. I feel terrible. I feel like the boys are Humpty Dumpty and instead of falling, I gave them a great big shove off the wall. That being said, I will give you a little warning right now: ANGST, ANSGT, ANGST. That was my warning. I don't own anything.**

James Diamond was absolutely certain that everyone would be much better off if he was dead. All he did was hurt people. He had hurt Kendall and Carlos and his family. Worst of all he had hurt _Logan_ He was supposed to be protecting Logan and he had hurt him in possibly an irreversible way. All he could see was Logan shrinking away from him when he reached out, Carlos' yell and shove, Kendall's green eyes full of mistrust. They had been perfect just a week ago and he had single-handedly ripped them all to shreds. He didn't blame his friends one bit if they never forgave him. He didn't deserve their forgiveness. And he didn't blame Carlos and Kendall when they dragged him out side the hospital and back him against the cold brick walls. If anything, he deserved worse.

"What is wrong with you?" Carlos never raised his voice. But he had yelled at James in the apartment and he was yelling now. "Do you really think Logan needs to hear any of what you just told him? We all agree that he's stubborn. But we all are. He hasn't done anything to us that we haven't done to him. He has enough to deal with in his life without you yelling at him like that!" Carlos paused to take in a deep breath. But he stopped in mid-breath when he looked at James.

He had, of course, been looking at James the entire time he was yelling at him. But when Carlos _really _looked at him, he felt his heart break just a little more even though he had been convinced that it was already broken beyond repair. Standing before him was _not_ an eighteen-year-old boy with dreams of becoming a Hollywood star. Standing before him was a little boy, who looked about as lost and as frightened as he felt himself. When Carlos saw James, all of his anger drained out of him and vaporized into the night air. "James-" He began, his voice cracking.

"Stop, Carlos."

Kendall's voice sent a shiver up the younger boy's spine. He glanced from James to Kendall.

They had known each other forever it seemed. All of them had known Kendall long enough to know that when someone he loved was hurt, he would do anything in his power to bring revenge upon the person who had caused the pain in the first place. But whenever he had gotten that angry, Kendall usually yelled and threw punches like he had when Carlos had faced constant racial torment in ninth grade. Tonight was different. Tonight Kendall was calm, cool, and collected. His eyes pinned James to the wall as he spoke.

"I don't know what your problem is but if we weren't surrounded by people just inside I would have no problems with tearing your pretty hair out and smacking you into this wall. And you deserve so much worse, James."

Carlos could only stare in shock as the words continued to spill from Kendall's mouth. James seemed to shrink before his eyes but he didn't move a muscle. He didn't even blink.

"I thought we were friends. I thought we agreed that which ever one of us needed it, came first. Logan needs us to be his friends. He does not need us to yell at him and tell him how stupid he is. He needs us to protect him. I thought you understood that."

"Kendall, stop." Carlos pleaded. He felt helpless and stuck in the middle.

Kendall ignored him as if he wasn't even there. He laughed harshly. "In the beginning we were protecting Logan from his father. I thought when he was dead that problem would be over. But now I guess that all along we needed to protect him from you."

Carlos finally shoved Kendall away from James and knelt down to where James had slid to the ground under Kendall's verbal assault. _Sticks and stones may break me but words will never hurt me._ Carlos wished Kendall had thrown rocks at James. There was no way it could have been any worse. "James?"

His friends were slowly slipping away. He wasn't just losing Logan. He was losing Kendall and James as well. They had been so close for so many years that it almost made sense in a weird, twisted way. They were like a car. Virtually useless with three wheels, they could not function unless they were all together. He felt his sanity slipping away as James continued to sit motionless on the cold, hard concrete, refusing to respond to his pleas. If Logan were there with them, he would have had them straightened out in two minutes flat.

What would Logan do?

Carlos stood up and turned to face Kendall. "You know what else we promised each other? We promised that we would be there for one other no matter what happened. We promised each other that we wouldn't shut each other out. Look what's happened to us. Logan's not even dead and we're in pieces. How are we going to handle-"

"Don't say it, Carlos." Kendall said, his face darkening. But Carlos spotted tears in his eyes and he grabbed onto the last but of hope that he could still save Kendall.

"I know you're supposed to be the leader, Kendall. You always were. But that doesn't mean that you're not allowed to feel. You're allowed to be scared and angry and sad. You're human too. I think we've all had our share of breakdowns and. . . depression." Carlos nearly choked on the sickening word. "But not you. You're like a block of ice and no matter what happens it's only a small chip in you and you just keep on being frozen. And now that you've finally broken yourself, you've also broken our promises."

"It's like we're not even friends anymore." Carlos whispered as he finished his rant. He sank back down next to James who to some relief, was shaking with sobs. "I thought we were a team." He added. But he wasn't even sure if Kendall or James were listening anymore. Maybe he had lost them and he was talking to himself.

Then he felt Kendall sit down on James' other side and pull him into a hug. It took Carlos a second before he realized that their fearless leader was totally broken and crying. He felt tears crowd his own eyes and he leaned into a three-way hug, thinking of how incomplete without Logan there.

Logan would have been proud of Carlos. The youngest team member hated confrontation and did everything possible to stay out of the fray. But he had stood up to Kendall when they all needed him the most and suddenly Kendall realized how incredibly stupid he had been.

Logan's father had been a cold, uncaring, weak monster of a man. James was nothing of the sort. When it came right down to it, he cared _too_ much. He had nearly destroyed himself in the period following Logan's temporary death. How Kendall could have ever compared James Diamond to Ryan Mitchell was completely beyond him. But words were something you could never take back. They were gone, forever engrained in James' mind. And as Kendall stared at James, all he could think of was how he had done the same thing to James that James had done to Logan. He felt like a sick hypocrite. Logan had cancer. He didn't need to be yelled at. James had depression probably. He didn't need to be yelled at either.

"James?"

Kendall sounded like a completely different person than he had just minutes ago. He sounded world-weary and childlike at the same time. But there was also something that kept James from pulling away. He sounded like Kendall Knight. His friend. "I'm sorry." James whispered. "I was just so frustrated and when Logan called himself our problem I got so angry."

"I know, James." Kendall said softly. "I know exactly how you feel. That doesn't make it okay what happened tonight. But I had no right to turn right back around and shove your own words down your throat."

"Yes, you did." James cried. "And like you said earlier, I deserved worse."

"No." Kendall shook his head. "You don't James. You don't need it either. Carlos was right. We are falling apart. But we can still save ourselves and each other if we really want to. There's still time. Logan's still here. We need him now to get back to where we were before."

Carlos felt a tiny spake of hope. He lifted his head and peered through the darkness at Kendall and James who thankfully, looked like his friends again. "Does that mean we can still be friends?"

* * *

Logan watched his friends as they filed into the room. They looked out of place in the white hospital room. James was fully dressed to go out on a date with Julie, Carlos was still only wearing one shoe, and Kendall looked liked he had just rolled out of bed. But it was there facial expressions that bothered him. They looked like they should be wearing tuxes and going to a funeral. They looked utterly lost and confused. Especially James.

A thrill of fear raced down Logan's spine and he shivered. James again. Always James. The brilliant light was gone from his eyes and as he sat furthest away from the bed, his posture so stiff that Logan was afraid his backbone would snap in half, all Logan could think of was how glad he was to see that James was here with them.

"So much for celebrating the new year." He said, trying to brighten their spirits. His shoulders slumped when the lame attempt failed to even catch Carlos' attention. "Did you call the girls?"

"Um," Carlos shook his head. "No. We forgot." He fell silent and stared at his shoes.

James could only stare at Logan through swollen, red rimmed eyes. He looked relatively fine but that was only on the surface. He watched as Logan continued to struggle to make conversation even though Kendall and Carlos were both to upset to talk very much. He wanted so badly to say something but every time he opened his mouth to speak, the words stuck in his throat and wouldn't leave his dry mouth.

"Do you hate me?"

Maybe he wasn't completely robbed of speech. Carlos and Kendall turned around to stare at him. Logan's jaw was literally hanging open.

Logan recovered quickly and snapped his mouth shut. He shook his head. "James, what kind of question is that? Of course I don't hate you. How could you even think that? Was it something I did or said or. . ." His voice trailed off and his eyes were suddenly full of understanding. "Oh." He said softly.

No matter how long James had known his friends, they had always managed to surprise him day after day. This was no exception. Logan had forgotten all about James' harsh words. James couldn't breath, his lungs were constricted far too much for the simple task.

"No, I don't hate you James." Logan's soft voice made it's way through James' ears into his brain where they settled themselves. Logan didn't hate him. It was impossible, even for Logan. But it was true. Logan wouldn't lie.

"Why?" James asked. He couldn't make himself move to Logan. He didn't trust himself.

Logan frowned at the question. "Because," He said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You're my brother."

If anything James would have expected Logan to call him his best friend. Because that's what they were supposed to be. But when Logan called him his brother, his empty shell fell away and he began to cry yet again. When Logan opened his arms for a hug it was the only invitation he needed and he crossed the room to Logan's bed.

Logan could care less what happened earlier. It was in the past. He needed his friends now and they needed him now. That was all that matted to him. "Do you remember that Japanese story we read in third grade?" He asked quietly.

His friends only stared at him blankly and he couldn't help smiling a little at the sight. "It was called, _Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes_ by Eleanor Coerr. She gets leukemia from the radiation poisoning after the U.S. dropped the atomic bomb over Hiroshima. Anyway, I think her best friend tells her about the Japanese legend where if a sick person folds one thousand paper cranes, they'll get better. So she and her family and friends fold a bunch of cranes together. Really, what the story is about isn't her illness. It's about the tragedy at Hiroshima. None of that should have ever happened." Logan looked sad at his own quick retelling of the story.

But Carlos had suddenly brightened. He looked around the room and finding a notepad by Logan's bed, he tore a piece of paper off and began folding it. His tongue stuck out slightly and his brow was furrowed so much in concentration that his helmet slipped over his eyes and he had to shove it back up on his forehead.

"Carlos, what are you doing?" Kendall raised his eyebrows and watched Carlos in confusion. "Carlos, what are you doing?"

Carlos stopped and stared. "Isn't it obvious? We should make a thousand paper cranes for Logan. He'll get better then." His expression was so earnest and innocent that it hurt to see him.

Kendall sighed. "Carlos, it's just a stupid legend. A Japanese legend. Legends aren't real, Carlos. They're just more false hope."

Carlos' dark eyes filled with tears. "But-"

How many times would they hurt each other tonight? Time after time again in only the past two hours they had insulted each other, and criticized one another. It hadn't been this bad their entire lives. In under twenty minutes Kendall alone had brought James to his knees and destroyed Carlos' fantasy. And he was the leader. The one who was supposed to hold them together. Instead he was tearing them apart.

"You don't have to be so negative about everything." Carlos reprimanded softly. "What can it hurt?"

Kendall dropped his head into his hand. It was quiet in the small room. For once they were all at a loss for words. The silence was unbearable so finally Logan spoke up.

"We're screwed right now aren't we?" He bit his lip.

"You're pretty normal, Logan." Kendall ran a hand through his hair and looked at Carlos. "I''m really sorry, Carlos. I didn't mean to sound so negative. I want it to work. I want something to work. But I feel like everything that could be done has been done and all we can do now is wait. I didn't mean to hurt you like that."

Carlos' shoulders slumped in relief and he smiled at Kendall. "It's okay, Kendall." He said simply. It was enough. Carlos was pretty much incapable of holding grudges against his best friends. He was worried about all of them though. He was scared how easily they fell apart. Sure it was never very long before someone would realize what idiots they were being and fix things. But it was always a temporary fix. A band aid. Soon it would be ripped off exposing more of their fears and less of their ability to hold onto hope.

"Can I apologize for something?" Logan asked hesitantly. "I know you guys will probably say that nothing tonight was my fault but that's not true. We're all to blame and that includes me. I shouldn't have pushed you guys to go out tonight. I want you to be as normal as you possible can even without me."

"Logan, there is no normal without you though." Carlos argued quietly as he set the first paper crane on the nightstand. The boys stared at it as Logan went on.

"There might have to be. We all know that. A new normal." Logan took the crane from the table and held it in the palm of his hand. He had no idea that hyperactive Carlos had the patience and skill that the bird required. "But even if that doesn't happen I don't want you guys waiting around for me when I can't do anything. It's not fair to you guys. You should be out with friends, having a good time."

"You're our best friend and we have good times with you." Kendall spoke up.

Logan laughed. "You're all so stubborn." He said, shaking his head. "What I'm trying to say is that we have other friends. And sometimes they need you more than I need you. Guess I was wrong about tonight though. I really did need you guys. And as usual you all came together and here we are. But sometimes like those days when all I do is lay around and sleep, then you can leave. Because our other friends need to hang out and talk with you. They're hurting too."

Carlos groaned a little at the mention of their other friends. "We never even called them." He reminded his friends, causing James and Kendall to groan as well while Logan merely gave them a smug look.

"See?" He pointed out. "Now they're probably all freaking out about where you guys are. Because you're neglecting them."

"Okay, fine." Kendall admitted with a sigh. "You're right, Logan. Of course. We have been neglecting the girls and our other friends. And I promise that we'll work on it. But what about you, Logan? Because as wrong as James was to say what he did. . . well, it's true."

James looked miserable when Kendall brought up his words but he knew their leader was right to do so. Logan needed to know that he was not a problem. So even though the reminder was like a knife embedded in his stomach, James nodded in agreement to Kendall's words.

Before Logan said anything though he shot a quick glance of concern at James. When the other boy managed a weak smile in return he knew it would be okay. "I don't try to shove you guys away I promise. But I'm still so used to being around my dad who never cared. Even though I spent most of my life with you guys anyway I always felt that parents were supposed to be the ones who cared the most. So when my dad never asked me how my day went or what I wanted for my birthday I thought that set the standard for people caring about me pretty low. I thought it was my fault somehow. You know how when nothing makes sense that you blame it on yourself? That's how I always felt. But you guys and your families have always cared so much more than I ever expect. That confused me. Why did your parents care more about me than my own father? It didn't seem right so I always assumed it was just undeserved."

"Logan, how could you think that?" Carlos asked sadly. "The only thing you didn't deserve was your father. I've always wondered how someone like you got stuck with someone like him. Talk about unfair. But. . ." He trailed off and looked thoughtful. "Logan, I don't remember your mom much." He said as gently as possible. "But all of our parents always said that you took after her in so many ways. Your looks, your personality, your talents. And it was always so easy to believe because all I had to do was look at your dad. I never saw any similarities between the two of you. But there's something that scares me."

"What?" Logan asked his voice shaking slightly.

Carlos took a deep breath. "Logan, your mom died in a car accident and eventually so did your dad. But you lost your dad long before his accident. You lost him when your mom died because he pushed you and everyone else away because he was hurting so badly. And sometimes when you're hurting and won't let us help you I'm scared because I think that we'll lose you before your cancer can do anything to you."

Once again silence filled the room. But it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. James and Kendall were weak with relief that Carlos had found the courage to admit what had been on their minds for weeks. Carlos himself wasn't entirely sure how he had managed to put his thoughts into words so well but for the most part he hoped that he hadn't hurt Logan while at the same time hoping he would understand.

"I understand." Logan whispered after a couple of minutes ticked by on the clock. "It makes perfect sense, Carlos. And I think you're right because there are so many times when I want to tell you something but I don't want to hurt you. There are so many times when I think that keeping it to myself will be easier in the end. And since I've been sick. . . sometimes I think that if no once cares about me then no one will miss me when I'm gone."

"And that's the wrong way to live, Logan." Carlos spoke earnestly, suddenly wise beyond his years. "It's like living in a fish tank. Have you ever thought about what it's like to live in a fish tank? To be a fish? They're so content with their little world because it's safe and secure. It's the same every day in their confined spaces. There's no sharks, there's no fishing lines, no pollution. It's just them and their colorful pebbles and maybe a castle or a scuba diver. The only thing they have to worry about is getting their tank cleaned and getting fed."

Carlos took a deep breath and continued his explanation that would only make sense to those who knew him. "But they also have no control over their lives. All they do is swim around in circles while just outside we have the whole world. We have the ocean only it's not wet. We can make our own decisions and have hobbies and friends and family. It's our life and only we can define who we are and how we live. We can't let others influence us too much or we'll lose ourselves."

"You are not your father, Logan. He lived in a fish tank because he was afraid of getting hurt. But you. . . you're braver than him, Logan. You deserve to live in an ocean because a tank is to small for someone like you. But you have to want to, Logan. You have to realize that you're braver than your father ever was. And you have to let go of him."

If a stranger had overheard any of Carlos' words they would have been confused. But to anyone who knew Carlos, especially his best friends, it made perfect sense. Everything.

* * *

"Logan?"

Logan opened his eyes and turned to see Carlos watching him from where he sat on the edge of his cot.

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" Carlos backtracked quickly. "It's no big deal. Forget I said anything."

Logan sat up a little bit so he could see his friend better. James and Kendall were thankfully sound asleep but Carlos had obviously not even tried. Apparently, he had located more paper because at least a dozen paper cranes were scattered around his cot. "I wasn't asleep. What's up?"

"It doesn't-"

"Something's on your mind so yes, it does matter." Logan patted the edge of his bed and Carlos was beside him in an instant.

"Did it work?" Carlos asked, as he settled against the pillows and rested his head against Logan's shoulder. He found the warmth of the contact more comforting than anything else because it meant life and it meant Logan. The combination meant more than Carlos could ever express into words.

It took Logan a full thirty seconds to realize that Carlos was talking about the story of Sadako and her thousand paper cranes. He met Carlos' wide eyes. He was back to being the baby of the group and Logan felt protective of him then. But just like a parent, Logan knew he couldn't protect him from everything.

"No."

**A/N. This chapter wasn't supposed to be over 4000 words but it ran away with me. I hope everyone has forgiven James. Logan is okay for the time being. Carlos was impossibly cute in this chapter and he's the reason it was so long. Kendall still has issues that may or may not be resolved in the next chapter. One final note before I wrap up. I recently received an anonymous review for chapter one that not only stole my friend's pen name on this site but also left me feeling a little insulted. I love all of my readers but if you don't like this story then don't read and please don't review. Thank you. So that being said, I really do love you all and I hope to have C53 up by Sunday. Reviews are love!**


	53. Saving

**A/N. My friend Xero Prime informed me that angst to me is like cocaine to Sherlock Holmes. I agree. If that meant nothing to you then please do yourself a favor and actually read some real writing. Not just this pointless story that has control over me right now. Anyway, like I said, Kendall has issues that need to be resolved. I don't own anything.**

To everyone's relief, Logan was sent home from the hospital the very next day with strict instructions to rest. Doctor Walsh had been afraid of another infection but when he saw how much better Logan had looked in the morning he untimely decided that Logan would be better off in his own bed at home than in the noisy hospital. The boys had returned to Palm Woods all exhausted and had collapsed in their rooms to catch up on their lost sleep.

Kendall, James, and Carlos eventually work up in the middle of the afternoon and remembering Logan's words the night before, they left him under the care of Mrs. Knight and Katie. They walked slowly down to the Palm Woods pool where they had seen the girls hanging out. The day was warm and sunny even though it was only the first of January but the pool was empty since the majority of Palm Woods residents were still resting after the long night.

"Where were you?" Camille demanded as soon as they came in sight. "It's Logan isn't it? Is he okay?" Her face was pale and anxious. Dark circles rested under her eyes from the obvious lack of sleep. "Jo told me you guys were going out on a triple date and you never showed up." She looked at James for an explanation.

James gently pulled free from Julie's relieved embrace and gave Camille a quick hug. "He's okay." He said, forcing a tired smile. "He got pretty sick last night and we took him to the hospital just in case. But they sent him home today and he's resting right now."

"He's not alone is he?' Camille asked in concern. "What are you guys doing down here? He can't be alone. You should have just called one of us and-"

"Camille." Carlos put a hand on her shoulder. "Kendall's mom and Katie are there with him now. He's not alone. We're here because we wanted to apologize for not calling you girls last night. Things got out of control and no on really thought of actually doing it until it was late."

"It was New Year's Eve." Stephanie reminded him. "We were up until about three. Besides even if it was just a normal night we would have been up. We were worried about you guys."

Kendall sighed. "We know. And we're sorry for making you worry. Logan was right. Last night he said that we've been neglecting you girls and our other friends. He wants us to spend more time with you." He tightened his arm around Jo and tried to smile. "So, here we are. Do you want to hang out for a couple of hours?"

Jo stood on tip toe to kiss her boyfriend. "Are you sure?" She asked softly.

The boys nodded reluctantly. They all wanted to be with Logan but he was right. It was ridiculous of them to hang out at the apartment when he was sleeping when they could be with their other friends. But their worry kept them connected to Palm Woods even when they were out.

Camille watched the three couples uncomfortably. She shook off their attempts to get her to join them. "No, I'll just be in the way. You guys should go on a real date. I'll go hang out with Mrs. Knight and Katie." She smiled and before anyone could protest any further, she headed up to the apartment.

"Camille," Mrs. Knight greeted the young actress with a tired smile. A small grin flicked on the corners of Katie's mouth then disappeared. "Logan's awake." Kendall's mother told her. "I'm sure he'd love to see you."

"Thank you." Camille whispered as she walked down the hallway to Logan's room. She knocked on the open door then stepped inside. Logan was sitting in his bed with a book in hand but at the sound of her knock, he set the book down and greeted her with the smile she loved so much.

"Hi, Camille."

It was always so good to hear his voice. To hear him say her name. He was pale and tired looking but when he smiled it almost seemed to her that everything would be okay. "Hi, Logan." She sat down on the edge of the bed. "How are you feeling?'

Logan shrugged. "A lot better than last night, that's for sure. Sorry no one called. It was kind of. . . crazy."

"That's what Carlos said." Camille told him. "Kind of anyway. He said something about how things got out of control. Is everything okay?" She expected him to say that they were all okay. That last night had just been a bad night but everything was back to normal now. She expected reassurance because Logan gave it out like it was his job. He always had something positive to say. He always managed to bring hope into a conversation. But even Logan wasn't able to fix everything.

He frowned. His dark eyes clouded over slightly as he thought of last night's events. "I'm worried about, Kendall." He finally admitted to Camille. "He hasn't been acting like himself for the longest time. But it's more subtle than Carlos and James. When Carlos was depressed everyone knew because he stopped talking and he stopped laughing. When James was depressed he stopped caring about the way he looked and pretty much everything else."

Camille nodded. Of the four boys, James and Carlos had always been the easy ones to read.

Logan sighed and went on. "But with Kendall it's different. He's still trying to the the strong leader for us. He's been trying to pull us up and keep us together but there's something else. There's something else he won't tell anyone. I've been trying to figure it out myself because I know getting him to tell me will be like pulling teeth. He's so stubborn. He thinks that because he's the leader he's not allowed to fall apart or whatever. It's frustrating."

Camille listened quietly as Logan told her his fears. He had come so far. He had always tended to keep everything close to him. He had never been so open. Now he talked about his mother and his father and his friends. They had all grown. It hadn't been easy though. She leaned forward and kissed him gently on the forehead. "Well, if I know you, Kendall won't have very long before he spills. You'll bring him back. You always do."

The next day was warmer. Though January was just starting the weather outside would have been considered springlike in many other states. People had recovered from the New Year and the pool was full. Some kids even had a volley ball game going on in the shallow end and out of the pool, in the shade, a small group of teenaged guys tossed a football around.

"Come on, guys." Logan pleaded. "It's a beautiful day outside. Too nice to be in here."

"Logan, you should be resting." James argued. But his resolve was weakening by the second as he watched Logan look longingly outside then turn back to them.

"Yes. Resting. Not cooped up in my room when it's insanely gorgeous outside on January second. That's more like prison." As usual, Logan had an argument for everything. And when he brought up the fact that he felt like he was in prison, the boys finally caved.

"Fine." Kendall said reluctantly. "But we'll drive to the park okay? No walking." He folded his arms and refused to give into Logan anymore.

Logan brightened. "Sounds fair to me." Of course he'd rather walk. But he had already pushed his luck as far as it would go without breaking anything. Besides, though he felt much better, he didn't feel good enough to walk to the park and then walk home.

"Sweet!" Carlos proclaimed. "Let's go to the park!" He slung an arm around Logan's shoulders and before James or Kendall could blink, the two were gone.

James rolled his eyes. "We'd better go before Logan convinces Carlos to run on ahead. I can't believe he pulled the prison card."

Kendall couldn't help but laugh. "He must be pretty desperate. I never thought he would say something to make us feel guilty enough to give in. I can't blame him though. Let's go." He grabbed Logan's jacket off the back of a kitchen chair as they passed. Just in case.

The sun felt warm and welcoming as James and Kendall stepped outside. To their relief, Logan and Carlos were standing by the side of the pool, talking with little Tyler. James laughed to see the young boy hiding behind one of the plants so his mother couldn't find him. He ducked as his mother rushed over to Carlos and Loan who both pointed vaguely in the direction she had just come.

Instead of rushing off at once however, Tyler's mother paused to say something to the boys before patting Logan on the cheek and leaving them in a rush. Even from where James and Kendall stood, they could see the blush heat up Logan's cheeks. He reached up to rub the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"Heads up!"

An alarmed cry suddenly sounded above all other noises around the pool area. Logan looked up just in time to see a football spiraling straight towards him and Carlos. He ducked, the ball missing his face by inches and instead catching him in the shoulder. He stumbled backwards, realizing too late that he had stepped into empty air. Then, he landed with a splash in the Palm Woods pool.

Logan hadn't been in the pool for months. Though the air outside was warm, the pool was cooler than he had expected. But it felt amazing all the same. However, he had about two seconds to enjoy the sensation before Carlos was right beside him, apparently convinced that he was in dire need of rescue. The instant his head broke the surface all Logan wanted to do was sink back down.

It had gone completely silent except for someone, Logan was pretty sure it was Kendall, yelling. The pool volleyball game had come to an abrupt halt and everyone was staring at him with wide eyes. Carlos dragged him over to the side where James promptly lifted him out and set him on the concrete surface.

Kendall was livid. He was in the face of the poor guy who had the misfortune of throwing the ball and was yelling so loudly that to Logan's dismay, people were poking their heads out of their apartment windows and looking out in curiosity.

"What is your problem? He just got out of the hospital yesterday and you're throwing a football at him?"

Matthew Bryant was a nice guy. So were his three friends. In many ways they had reminded Logan of him and his own friends. They were nowhere near as close, having only know each other for their high school years. But it was rare that someone saw less than two of them in the same place. They were jocks but they were nice jocks. Matthew was his high school's starting quarterback for his entire school career and when the senior class graduated that spring, Matthew would have his pick of colleges to go to. Now though, a simple accident had roused Kendall's anger, making Matthew look very tiny in comparison. "I'm-"

"Were you trying to put him back in the hospital? What kind of throw was that? You're supposed to be getting scholarships to any college you want because of that arm. What happened there?"

"It wasn't supposed to go that far." Matthew swallowed and finally managed to speak. "It was supposed to go right to Tony and Aaron came up behind me and I had to get rid of it fast."

"So you threw it at Logan."

Logan shook of Carlos' and James' worried hands and stood up himself. "I'm fine." He said to everyone around him. "A little water never hurt anyone. But Kendall needs to chill before someone actually gets hurt." He walked over to where Kendall was and yanked him back.

"Logan, just give me a second okay?" Kendall tried to pull free but Logan only tightened his grip.

"Calm down, Kendall. I'm fine. No one got hurt and no one needs to be hurt. It was an accident." Logan tugged on Kendall's arm and was relieved when Carlos and James came to back him up.

"Yeah, man." Carlos shook his head. He stepped in between Kendall and Matthew, looking extremely vulnerable in the middle of the two taller boys. "Logan's fine. He's just a little wet. Let's take him upstairs and-"

"He's not just a little wet. He's soaked. And how do you know he's fine?" Kendall challenged. "He doesn't even know when he's fine himself."

"Logan, I'm really sorry." Matthew took the opportunity of Kendall being distracted by Carlos and spoke to Logan. "I honestly didn't mean to. I forgot that you-"

"You forgot that he's sick?" Kendall asked in disbelief. "What the heck is wrong with you? How could you forget? He spent New Year's Eve in the hospital for crying out loud."

James and Carlos had started in surprise too at Matthew's words. They looked angry but they were still too busy trying to pull Kendall away to say anything. Logan had pulled his jacket that Kendall was holding out of his friend's arms and put it on. Already he was feeling better. He stopped and stared at Matthew.

"You really forgot?" He asked softly. But his words weren't filled with anger like Kendall's were. He looked almost happy.

"Yeah." Matthew sighed. "I don't know why. But you looked normal, Logan. Like there's nothing wrong with you. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I promise. Are you okay?"

He was clearly upset enough without Kendall making him feel worse so Logan gave Kendall a gentle shove back to the apartments and smiled at Matthew. "It's no big deal. Really. I'm absolutely fine. I promise. Don't worry." He was relieved when Matthew finally relaxed and returned his smile. "Now if you'll excuse us I need to get out of these wet clothes and try to calm Kendall down."

James had Kendall under control so Carlos was waiting to walk with Logan back to the room. He eyed Logan with concern. "Are you really okay?" He lowered his voice so that only Logan could hear.

"Yes." Logan nodded. "I'm fine. Just a little wet and cold. Thanks for jumping in after me." He smiled slightly.

Carlos blushed. "I know you probably would have been fine on your own. But for a minute there I was too scared to think of anything else but getting you out."

"It's okay, Carlos." Logan told him. "I would have done the same exact thing."

Carlos smirked. "You can't always be the one saving people, Logan. Sometimes you have to be saved yourself."

Logan threw an arm around Carlos' damp shoulders. "I know I always have you guys watching my back."

* * *

Logan watched Kendall pretend to read a book. He hoped James never got them dragged into an acting gig. Kendall would be awful at it. He hated to read anyway so why was he pretending to? It might have been more convincing if he was watching a hockey game or. . . anything but reading. "I think you should apologize to Matthew." He blurted out.

Predictably, Kendall looked up and glared at him. "Why should I?" He spat the words out.

Logan rolled his eyes. "Gee, I don't know. Maybe because you practically bit his head off this morning?"

Kendall let his book fall to the floor and he stood up. "That was after he tried to take your head off with a football and knocked you into the pool and almost sent you back to the hospital after you just got home the day before."

"That was a run-on sentence if I ever heard one." Logan laughed shortly and shook his head. "What would you English teacher say?" His grin faded and he turned serious. "Kendall," He said so softly that Kendall wouldn't have heard him if he hadn't be listening. "Kendall, I need to talk to you, okay?"

At his words, Kendall shifted uncomfortably. Carlos and James had run out to the mall. Carlos because he felt that he needed a sugar fix and James because he had suddenly discovered that he had been out of hair products for a month. His mother and Katie were nowhere to be seen. It was just him and Logan and he knew that without anyone else around, Logan would break down the wall he had so carefully built and do away with his charade. And it would hurt.

When Kendall didn't respond Logan bit his lip. He certainly didn't want to force him into anything but he was being so hard headed and impossible. "Kendall?"' He pleaded. "I need you to talk to me. I can talk all I want but this is about you so it's only going to work if you talk back." He took a deep breath and went on. He didn't know if Kendall would talk. But he could try.

"Kendall, you're one of my best friends. For as long as we've known each other you've always been there for me. For all of us. You're were always the leader and the protector. We all felt safe when you were by our side. You've never let us down. Until the other night."

Kendall flinched visibly. "How did you know?" He whispered.

Logan looked irritated but tried to hide it. "I'm not that stupid, Kendall. I saw the way you all looked when you came in my hospital room the other night. You all looked awful but in different ways. James looked like he was going to break any minute and from the way you kept looking at him like you felt guilty, it was pretty obvious that you. . . had a discussion while you were waiting."

"You could say that." Kendall groaned. "I was scared and angry at so much and I took it all out on James. I told him that I wanted to hurt him. Physically." He paused when Logan's eyes widened. "That's not even the worst part, Logan." He added miserably. "I compared him to your father."

"Kendall, please tell me that you're joking." Logan felt sick when he heard Kendall's confession. He had never imagined that what had happened to his friends the other night had been that bad. "Why?" He asked when Kendall didn't try to take back his words. "Why would you say something like that? James is _nothing_ like my dad."

"I know." Kendall put his head in his hands. "It just came out. I was so angry at him for what he said to you that-"

Logan cut in. "What he said to me is nothing compared to what you said to him, Kendall. His words came out because he was worried about me and because he was right. I was being stupid. I'll forget about them. I've already forgotten about them. But James? James is never going to be able to forget what you said to him. That was cruel, Kendall."

Logan's words were harsh. But his voice was gentle. Still Kendall felt like he had been slapped. Logan almost never criticized anyone. When he did though, it was always well deserved. So Kendall braced himself Logan to finish.

"You hurt James when he needed you the most. He was scared and confused because of what happened. He needed you to be the leader you always have been and you let him down. You failed." Logan hated himself for every word that slipped from his mouth. But it was the only way to get Kendall to talk. "You failed, Kendall. That tells me one thing. That right now, you can't be the leader. You can't be strong right now. Because you've been the strong leader for us for months now. At some point you had to crash and that's what happened the other night. Kendall, I appreciate how you've tried to keep it together for us. But we all would have been better off if you let yourself be weak for once. Because you tried to keep it together for so long that when you finally snapped you weren't the only one who got hurt. You hurt James and I'm pretty sure that Carlos didn't enjoy it either."

Tears had started to run down Kendall's face and Logan almost backed down. But he was so close to breaking through his friend's barrier that he pushed one last time. "What is it, Kendall? What's your problem? What have you been keeping inside of you? There's something. Something that you're afraid to tell anyone else. What is it?"

Kendall choked on a sob and Logan couldn't handle it anymore. He hugged Kendall while he cried. "Please tell me." He begged. "I need to know."

Unexpectedly, Kendall pulled away. "You wanna know what's wrong? I think you're going to die that's what's wrong. All this time when Carlos has been impossibly optimistic and everyone else has been hopeful I've been convinced that you are going to die. I've pretended to believe the doctors when they say that you're getting better. I've pretended to believe you when you say you're feeling good. But I've been lying all this time because I really believe that you're going to die, Logan. And it scares me. I don't want to think like that."

Logan sat in disbelief. He had never expected Kendall to admit that he thought he was going to die. That was so unlike Kendall. He wasn't overly optimistic or overly pessimistic. He was in the middle. He never took sides. But with something like Logan's cancer, Logan had at least thought that Kendall would hope. "You think I'm going to die?" He asked. "Even now?"

"Yes." Kendall was broken. "I think you're going to die. I hardly ever see you anymore, Logan. I see Death instead."

Logan couldn't complain. He had gotten to the bottom of Kendall's feelings like he had wanted to. But what lay beneath was so ugly and sickening that Logan wished he had never pushed so much. "Kendall," His voice broke. "Is it that bad?"

"Is what that bad? It is that bad watching you sleep fifteen hours a day? Is it that bad seeing you throw up whenever you eat? Is it that bad seeing my best friend practically disappear because he's lost so much weight? Is it that bad seeing you throw up blood or die? It's worse, Logan. It's worse than you could ever imagine. You know how I said a while ago that I wish it was me who was sick? There are two reasons for that. One is that I don't want to lose you because you're one of my best friends. The other reason is because I can't stand to watch you suffer. It hurts way to much. I'm selfish because I'd rather you see me suffer."

Logan ran his hand through his hair. "Why didn't you say anything?" He asked sadly. "Kendall, you can't deal with something like that on your own. It's too much. You're only eighteen. You have your friends and your family and we all care about you."

Kendall shook his head. "But I can't tell them that I think you're going to die." He said tearfully. "They'll hate me. I'm supposed to-"

"Kendall, forget that you're 'supposed' to be the leader. Forget that you're 'supposed' to be the strong one and remember that you're a human being and that you're not like perfect just like the rest of us." Tears were falling down Logan's face as he pulled Kendall into another hug but he managed a smile. "Carlos told me something earlier today. He told me that I can't always be the one saving people. He said that sometimes I have to let someone save me. He was right. But you need to do the same thing. Let us save you, okay?"

Kendall nodded and Logan felt his body go limp with relief. "Thanks, Logan." His voice was muffled against Logan's shoulder.

Logan tightened his grip as if he could take Kendall's pain away and take it on himself. "Thank you, Kendall."

**A/N. Two chapters in a row that I've lost control of. Silly me. I hope everyone liked it. If you did reviews would be awesome. I had a really lousy day today and they'd mean a lot to me right now. I will say that this story has two more chapters left in it. I know. I'm going to cry. A lot. But it needs to end before it starts dragging. Anyway, I will post C54 as soon as possible which, judging from my schedule next week, won't be until Wednesday. In the meantime, like I said, reviews would be awesome. I love you all!**


	54. Heaven

**A/N. This is one of the hardest chapters I've ever had to write. I wrote most of it in my head the other night when I couldn't sleep and I honestly think I ended up crying myself to sleep. I've also never had so much trouble writing the author's note and here I sit on my bed trying to think of what to say but coming up empty. I think I'll leave it for the final chapter. I don't own anything.**

The next few months flew by at an incredible rate. Before the boys knew it, January turned into May and everything changed. The air was warmer, fresher, clearer. Trees turned green again and birds sang in their branches. Flowers bloomed and bees buzzed busily around never stopping once to enjoy the sweet scent of the honey they were so intent on acquiring for their hives.

Carlos had always loved spring the best. After the dull, dreary and occasionally dangerous winters in Minnesota, it was a relief to be able to step outside without a jacket and look around at all the life that had peeked out from under Winter's blanket. He loved California springs even better because it was never too hot and it was never too cold. It always felt just right. Carlos loved watching what winter had appeared to kill come back to life. Winter meant death and spring meant life. Usually.

Carlos sighed and leaned his head against his bedroom window, deep in thought. He had loved spring. Now he wasn't so sure because as he watched new life coming into the world he felt like he was also watching another life fade out.

"What are you thinking about?"

He started at the sounds of his friend's voice but turned and forced a smile. "Hey, Logan."

Logan joined Carlos by the window and stared out. "So what's up?" He glanced at Carlos. "I mean you must be either really bored or in deep thought because you've been staring out this window for about an hour."

"I have?" Carlos asked in surprise. "What time is it?"

"It's almost one." Logan told him. He frowned. "Hey, Carlos are you okay?" Carlos had been unusually quiet all day long and it worried Logan as well as James and Kendall.

Carlos bit his lip and continued to stare out at the crowded pool before answering. "I'm okay I guess. I was just thinking about how I used to love spring because winter gets depressing after a while. Spring always seemed like the world around me was new and everything was okay."

"But Carlos, everything is okay. What's wrong?" Logan asked softly.

Carlos turned to face him, his brown eyes filling with tears. "You." He whispered.

He hated himself for feeling the way he did. Logan looked great. He hadn't been sick in weeks and the only trips he made to the hospital were twice a week for tests and sometimes light treatments. He was no longer thin and gaunt because he had started eating again and looked almost like his old self. And he and James were back to their insomniac nights except the handful of times that James practically shoved a Benadryl down Logan's throat to make him rest. The only reminder of Logan's illness were his weekly trips to see Doctor Walsh. So Carlos didn't know why he couldn't be happy.

Maybe it was because back in January, Kendall had confessed to all of them that he was convinced Logan was going to die. That had shaken Carlos. The fact that their fearless leader thought they would lose Logan. He knew that Kendall couldn't always be the strong one but that didn't mean he had to think that Logan would lose his battle with cancer and leave them a threesome rather than a foursome.

What would happen if Logan died? Would they stay together? As much as Logan tried to convince them that they would eventually move on, Carlos couldn't imagine it. It was hard to believe his friend when all he talked about was some strange guy names Daniel. As hard as Carlos tried he couldn't believe that Daniel and Logan were right. Because when Logan died they would move back to Minnesota and everything would change.

"I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." Logan tried to assure Carlos. "Look at how great things have been going for so long. Last week, Doctor Walsh said that he's really optimistic about how my tests looked and everything. What's there to be worried about?"

But although Carlos didn't answer out loud, all Logan had to do was look at his friend and see the fear in his eyes to know that he was thinking of every time Doctor Walsh had been optimistic and every time their hopes had been raised, only to have something happened that crushed them once again.

Logan sighed and fell silent. The phone rang and jolted them both out of their deep thoughts. Carlos stood up to get it but Mrs. Knight answered before he had time to leave the room.

"Logan?" Mrs. Knight poked her head in the room. "Logan, Doctor Walsh is on the phone. He'd like to speak with you." She tried to rely the message calmly but her voice shook slightly with every word. Logan's doctor had never called him at home before. Something was different.

Both of the boys wandered slowly from the room, meeting Kendall and James in the hallway. Logan picked up the phone and spoke into it. "Hello?" He turned away from his friends because he found it impossible to focus on the conversation when they were all staring at him.

"Hello, Logan. How are you feeling?" A simple enough start. Doctor Walsh always greeted him like that in the hospital.

"Um, I'm doing pretty good." Logan twisted the phone cord around his fingers and wracked his brain for a reason that the doctor was calling. "Did I miss an appointment?"

His question hung in the empty air for a moment. Doctor Walsh finally sighed. "No, nothing like that. I was calling because. . . Well because Logan, your tests the other day came back. . . irregular."

"What do you mean irregular?" Logan asked before he could stop himself. Inevitably he heard Carlos gasp. He turned to face the other boys and gave a short shrug. _No big deal. Don't panic. Not yet._

"I mean I was wondering if you could come today instead of early next week like we planned. I want to run some more tests and see if the last batch was just a fluke."

Logan could hear papers rustling on the other side of the line. Doctor Walsh must be doing paperwork while he was talking to Logan. The fact that he was multi-tasking meant that he was busy. And the fact that he had called Logan at home in the midst of everything else he had to do meant that it was urgent. Doctor Walsh never wasted anyone's time. Logan managed to swallow the lump of fear that had lodged itself in his throat. "Sure. I'll be right over."

Kendall had been hanging onto every single one word of the one-sided conversation. He jumped though when Logan set the phone back in it's cradle a trembling hand. "What is it, Logan?" He demanded quickly. "What did he want?"

"Um, he wanted me to go in today for some extra tests. Something came up in my last tests and he said that they wanted to make sure there wasn't a fluke." Logan ran a hand through his short hair. "So can one of you maybe drop me off?"

"A fluke?" Kendall repeated. "What does he mean by that?"

Logan shrugged and shook his head. "I have no idea. He didn't say. He probably doesn't want me to jump to any conclusions."

"I'll take you." Kendall let out a deep breath and grabbed his set of keys. "You guys coming?" James and Carlos were already nodding before the words were finished leaving his mouth. Kendall glanced at his mom. "We'll be back okay?"

Mrs. Knight nodded wordlessly and gave Logan a tight hug before the boys walked out the door. She sat down on a kitchen stool and waited for them to return, unsure of how things would be changed when they did.

The car ride was quiet except for the noises of the vehicle itself. Kendall gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles. Carlos fiddled with something in his pocket. James stared out the window, trying to keep his breathing regular when his chest felt so tight with pain that he thought he might explode before they even reached the hospital.. Logan sat and watched them all, hoping beyond hope that whatever news he came back with wouldn't shatter his friends all over again.

It wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair but this was a whole new level of unfairness. He had been improving steadily for months. Why then, did his cancer have to attack once more with whatever irregularity Doctor Walsh had meant? Logan liked feeling good and healthy. He liked feeling normal. But what he liked best about the past few months was that his friends were getting back to normal too. Would anything destroy that today?

Kendall pulled up to the hospital and Logan undid his seat belt. He sat in the front seat for a minute, trying to gather his scattered thoughts. "So," He began. "Don't panic. It's probably nothing." _Or everything._ "Why don;t you guys head to the park a couple streets down and I'll call you when I'm done here?" He made a face. "No use being here if you don't have to."

"We can stay here. We don't mind." Kendall watched James and Carlos in the rear view mirror bob their heads like a pair of. . . bobble head dolls.

But Logan shook his head. "Stay in the waiting room on a day like this?" He looked up at the sky. "It's beautiful out. Don't be ridiculous."

Kendall sighed. "Fine." He gave in. "We'll go to the park and wait. Call us as soon as you're done, okay? No walking?"

Logan grimaced. "It's like, three blocks, Kendall." He protested. "I'm fine."

"What if you aren't?" Kendall couldn't help but ask. His voice shook slightly as he started the car again.

"Not that much can change that quickly." Logan pointed out. "But I'll call if it'll really make you feel better." He watched as all three of his friends nodded, wishing that he could laugh at how absurd they looked. "Okay. See you in a while." He patted the hood of the car then walked quickly to the entrance and through the doors.

The boys watched until they couldn't see him anymore, wondering what it would be like when they finally saw him again. Then, Kendall pulled out of the hospital parking lot and on the street towards the park.

James almost got out of the car and ran back to the hospital. He'd rather be anywhere else but the park Kendall was driving to. It brought back so many unwelcome memories. It was the very same park that he had run to when Logan was first diagnosed. It was the same park he had talked with Julie on the anniversary of the death of Logan's mother. All he remembered about the park was heartache.

"Are you okay, James?" Carlos watched him as Kendall pulled into the parking lot. "We could go somewhere else and wait."

But Logan wanted them there. James shook his head. "No, I'm fine." He said as he climbed out. It was empty. Why was it always empty? It seemed foreboding that there were no little kids running around with snotty noses or dogs swimming in the pond. Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of twin girls having a tea party in the shade of a tree. They looked to be about seven or eight and as James watched it was obvious that they didn't have a care in the world. He thought of little Logan.

"Alex and Laura, time to go!" The girls started at the sound of their mother's voice, upsetting the tea pot and spilling water all over their dolls. Instead of crying like James had expected them to, they giggled and gathered their things together to go meet their mother at the car. Pure, blissful, childhood innocence.

"James?" Kendall stared at his friend, watching him closely. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." James gave him a crooked smile. "I mean, you know. As good as I can be right now." He walked over to the now vacant tree and sat down, leaning against the trunk. Was it just a year ago that he had collapsed under the same tree, exhausted after running full speed for five miles? James knew now that he couldn't out run his problems.

Carlos and Kendall joined their friend and they sat in utter silence. Fear choked their throats, making words impossible. But when the complete stillness became too unbearable, Carlos fiddled around for a few seconds before pulling a wrinkled piece of paper out of his pocket. He smoothed it down as best as he could then began folding it.

James and Kendall watched as Carlos expertly twisted and folded the paper until it began to take the form of a bird. A crane. Then it was finished and Carlos set it on the ground in front of them. "One thousand." He said almost as if to himself.

Kendall's tears spilled over and ran down his cheeks. He remembered how he had scoffed at Carlos' idea of folding one thousand paper cranes for Logan. He remembered how Carlos had pretty much ignored him and had tirelessly folded hundreds of cranes over the past several months. He kept them carefully stored in a box in his room, which had become magically clean, like he was afraid stray clutter might harm his paper birds. They had looked somewhat ridiculous, all huddled together, time and wear giving the oldest ones a funny look. But as Kendall stared at the thousandth paper crane that Carlos had just folded, he couldn't remember seeing something so beautiful.

"Don't cry." Carlos found himself saying. "It's just a paper bird."

"No, Carlos." James pulled his friend into a one-armed hug. "It's so much more than that. You worked so hard for so long and it means so much to Logan."

"I was wrong." Kendall scrubbed away the tears that blurred his vision with his shirt. He pictured Logan making a disgusted face and nearly lost it again but regained enough control to speak to Carlos. "Carlos, I was so wrong about those birds. Because if anything they gave us hope and they gave Logan another reason to keep fighting. And I know this is going to sound really weird since we're best friends and we're pretty much the same age but Carlos, I'm so proud of you."

Carlos sniffed and tried to smile. "Why?" He asked, his voice laced in confusion.

"Because of all those times you pulled us back together when we fell apart. You used to be the one we had to protect and you wound up protecting us. We've all grown up a lot but I think you've done the most growing."

But Carlos shook his head. "Logan." He said simply, the single word carrying so much meaning.

Kendall nodded. "You're right. Logan has done the most growing up. But Carlos, you've been amazing. A little over a year ago you were crazy and funny and just. . . goofy and insane. There were times I thought _I _was going to go crazy when you were bouncing off the walls. But you were always there for us when we needed someone to be funny. And now. . . now you're still the same person but different someone. You're. . . mature."

"So much for Neverland, huh?" Carlos tried to joke but his laugh came out as a half sob and a half gasp for air. "Do you like me this way?" He asked hesitantly.

"Carlos, I loved you the way you were and the way you are right now." Kendall managed a small smile. "Just don't change too much more okay? Keep on telling jokes and being goofy because we still need that."

Carlos gave a small salute and smiled. "You've changed too, Kendall. You used to get so angry all the time. Now you handle things better. I mean, you still stand up for us and everything but you control yourself better. It makes me feel even safer."

James nodded but Kendall shook his head. "I was angry for the longest time. Angry at everyone. Especially Logan for getting sick. But I know now that it's beyond our control and all we can do is stay together."

"That's another thing." James added. "You listen more. You used to do all the talking but now you're willing to stop taking control over everything. You still have that fire Gustavo loves. But like everything else you can control it now."

"James, you've changed a lot too." Kendall turned to face his friend. "You're more open now. You used to hide your feelings behind 'The Face' but you've always cared more about others than yourself. And now you're not afraid to show that."

James laughed hoarsely. "I got used to it. It's pretty hard to pretend not to care when you have to every single day. But thanks, Kendall. That means a lot." He pulled handfuls of grass from the ground and sprinkled piles of it in front of him. "You know as much as we've changed, Logan's kind of stayed the same. He was always more mature than the rest of us. He had to be. He was forced into growing up before most kids his age. But he's different too. He's more honest. He lets us help him. I like that."

"He doesn't look at the logical side of things as much either." Carlos chimed in. "One time we were talking about him being sick. And he kept throwing these statistics and medical information into the conversation." Carlos paused, remembering that conversation when Logan had first gotten sick. "Then I told him that knowledge isn't always everything and that the statistics don't matter because he's Logan. And Logan's different. The weird thing was he actually listened. Now he's more willing to think outside the box."

Kendall smiled slightly. "You mean the fish tank?" He teased lightly.

Carlos couldn't help laughing, the sound catching in his throat. "Or the fish tank." He agreed. "You know, I've never liked change that much. I was always kind of scared of it. I like it when things stay the same because I know what to expect. That made me feel safe and secure and comfortable. But everything has changed now and that's helped me realize something. Change can help you change, and that can be a good thing."

Carlos' words seemed to sum up their entire conversation and the boys fell silent. They let the sound of the wind through the trees and the birds singing fill the emptiness. At first it was peaceful and calmed their fears. But gradually, as time continued to pass, a feeling of uneasiness began to settle over their heads.

"What time is it?" James finally asked, forgetting that he had his cell phone in his pocket.

"Almost 4:00." Kendall answered. He stared hard at his own phone as if by magic it would inform him that they missed Logan's call a half an hour ago.

Carlos stared at his phone, almost expecting it to ring at any minute. Nothing. "Why hasn't he called?" He asked, his uneasiness turning into an all too familiar sense of dread.

"I don't know." Kendall fretted. He stood up and started pacing like he always did when he was scared and didn't know what else to do. "Do you think we should call him? Or maybe we should just drive to the hospital and see if someone can tell us what's up. Maybe his cell phone ran out of battery!" He looked at them anxiously.

James closed his eyes and forced himself to take a deep breath and remain calm. But the fact that Logan had yet to call and that _Kendall_ was asking them what they should do about it was terrifying. "Okay." He opened his eyes to face Carlos and Kendall. "Let's give him another half an hour. If he hasn't called by then we'll call him ourselves."

"And if he doesn't answer?" Carlos asked in a small voice.

"Then we'll go there." James decided for all of them. He had managed to keep his voice relatively calm but his hands picked once again at the grass, the tempo now at a more frantic pace.

So they waited. Time seemed to slow down and every time they glanced at their phones, what seemed like ten minutes to them was only two. As soon as the thirty minutes passed though, all three of them snatched of their phones. James and Carlos dropped theirs and let Kendall take over.

Kendall's brain refused to function properly and instead of scrolling to Logan on his contact list, he dialed the number by heart and pressed the phone tightly to his ear. One ring. Two. Three. _Come on, Logan._ He pleaded to himself. Answer_ your stupid phone._ With each ring his panic continued to rise and when Logan's voice told him to leave a message the phone slipped through his shaking fingers and fell to the ground. "He didn't answer." He told James and Carlos even though it was painfully obvious.

"So let's go then." James said. But he couldn't move.

Suddenly Carlos gasped and pointed to a figure walking over to them.

It was Logan. But as much as they wanted to get up and run over to him and bombard him with questions, the three boys were paralyzed by the fear of hearing Logan's answers.

It didn't take long for Logan to reach them anyway. His face was unreadable as he sank down into the grass besides his friends. But they were quick to note the pale color of his face where there had been color when they dropped him off. His eyes looked confused as he took in their appearance. "Hi." He greeted them like he couldn't decide what else he should say.

"Where were you?" Kendall found his voice even though it didn't sound like his. "Why didn't you call us or pick up when I- when we called? Why did you walk here when we agreed that we'd pick you up?"

Logan shook his head. "I'm sorry. I just. . . needed to take a walk to clear my head. I didn't even notice that you had called me."

"What took so long?" James asked. In the back of his mind he wondered if he would get in trouble for pulling out so much grass. The pile in front of him was the size of a softball by now.

Logan sighed. "They wanted to keep running the test. I thought I was going to go insane if they kept sticking needles into me." His eyes darted around as if they didn't know where to stay. Finally they landed on Carlos' paper crane and he smiled a little. "One thousand?" He asked Carlos softly, picking the crane up carefully.

Carlos nodded so hard that his helmet slipped down over his eyes. He took it off and laid it on the grass. He felt vulnerable without it on his head. "Well? What did they say?" His own courage surprised him because he wasn't sure he wanted to hear what Logan had to say.

Logan ran a shaking hand through his hair as he struggled to find the words. "I honestly don't know how to tell you guys this." He admitted. "I'm still kind of in shock myself."

Kendall felt the color drain from his face at Logan's words. He briefly dropped his head into his hands and concentrated on breathing before looking back up at Logan. His heart thumped wildly when he saw tears in Logan's eyes. This could not be happening. Not when things had been so good for so many months. Logan had been improving. But Kendall braced himself for the worst. The cancer had spread. It was terminal. However he was not prepared for the words that did come out of Logan's mouth.

"It's gone." Logan's voice was so soft that the words were nearly lost in the breeze that rushed through the tree over their heads.

Two words. Two tiny words. That was all Logan had said. And yet the full meaning of them and the weight they carried when they went from Logan's mouth to the boys' ears was enough to stop the world. The noise around them faded until the only sound was the breathing of the four boys, who had been forced into becoming young mean in the past year, as they tried to absorb Logan's words.

Carlos felt like the sun had just broken through what had seemed like an endless wall of dark storm clouds. He stared at Logan in disbelief. "Really?" He whispered. His heart hammered in his chest so hard that one hand hovered over his left side to see what it felt like on his palm. He watched as Logan nodded slowly.

"Yeah." Logan didn't know what else to say. He watched his friends carefully, studying their reactions. Naturally, they were similar to his when Doctor Walsh told him the news. He had waited for so long, hoping to hear those words and yet when they had finally come, he just couldn't believe it.

"It's gone?" Kendall repeated. He watched as Logan nodded yet again. "The cancer?" He asked stupidly. Another nod.

James could only sit there in shock. He couldn't move and he could just barely breathe. He watched as Carlos' and Kendall's lips moved soundlessly because he couldn't hear a thing. He watched as Logan also said something that didn't quite register and he watched Logan nod over and over again. Then he heard a strange, choking, gasping sound. Someone was crying. Deep, wracking sobs that he realized, with another shock, was coming from him. His arms wound tightly around him waist to keep from splitting apart and he bent his head until the only thing he could see through his tears was the small hole in the knee of his jeans.

He had cried when Logan was first diagnosed. He had cried when Logan died and came back to life. He had cried countless times in between. Part of him couldn't believe he had anything left in him. But James could not stop the tears that streamed down his face and he couldn't stop shaking so hard that whenever he tried to stop, a shudder ripped through his body that made the shaking even worse.

"James?"

Logan's voice. Logan. James registered the fact right before Logan's arms pulled his own away from his body and dragged him into a tight hug. Logan meant to be comforting like he always was but James only cried harder until he couldn't breath and then he slowed down into slow, shuddering sobs that jerked his body spasmodically in Logan's arms.

Kendall watched Logan hug James and felt frozen. It was only when Carlos grabbed his arm and forced them both into the hug that Logan's words truly hit him and sank into his mind. It's gone. The cancer. Logan's cancer was gone. He was better. Gone was the disease that had threatened to take him away any day. It was gone. They had Logan back. Whole, healthy, and completely Logan. Kendall started to cry when the realization hit but it was a different kind of crying then the kind they had experienced for months on end. Instead of tears of fear, anger, or grief running down his cheeks, they were tears of joy.

Carlos' reaction surprised him. He started laughing. His shoulders shook with what was at first silent laughter and then he was gasping for air. But when they found themselves in a four-way hug the laughter turned to tears and it occurred to him that they were all crying.

Logan leaned into Kendall's shoulder and let the relief wash over him. He hadn't let himself believe it until he himself had told his friends. Because when he was in the hospital it had felt like a dream. But when he let the words fall from his own lips and tasted them on his tongue, and saw the indescribable joy that lit up the faces of James, Kendall, and Carlos he knew that it wasn't a dream because nothing this good could ever be a dream. It was real.

They pulled away at the same time and face each other. Logan took a deep breath and started to speak. "When I went in, Doctor Walsh didn't say much. He told me later that he didn't want to get my hopes up and then have something come back that showed the cancer was still there. I forget how many times they ran the tests but finally they stopped. When he told me I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it until I told you guys."

"You don't have cancer anymore!" Carlos exploded. "You're better! Right?" He bounced his leg up and down, smacking it on the helmet every single time it came down. He didn't care. He was utterly carefree and if his helmet broke because of the beating it was taking, he still wouldn't care. He didn't have a care in the world. "Logan," He gasped out. "You're not sick anymore!"

Logan laughed, feeling lighter than he had in the longest time. The heavy weight had been lifted off his shoulders and had crumbled to pieces. "I know!" He exclaimed. "Believe me, I know." He shook his head. "I don't even know what to say right now. It's just so. . . amazing."

Kendall copied his head shake. "It's more than amazing." He said quietly. "But I don't think there are any adjectives that would come close to being a fair description of the way I feel right now."

"Words aren't always everything." James really had no idea where that had come from but it was true and they all nodded in agreement. He sighed. It had been the longest, hardest year he had ever had to go through in his short eighteen years. They had experienced ups and downs and the number of downs was far greater than the number of ups. But none of it mattered now because everything was better now. They were complete. "You did it, Logan." He said, looking at his friend with pride. They had all known that Logan was a special person. But this meant the world to him and he knew that Kendall, Carlos, and Logan himself, felt the same exact way.

"No." Logan smiled but shook his head. "I didn't do it." No one deserved the kind of friends he had. But maybe they all deserved each other anyway. Because true friends didn't run away when life got hard. No matter how hopeless things had looked, they had never turned away. Sure, they had fallen apart more than once. But they had held on. "I didn't do it." He repeated softly. "We all did."

If there was a Heaven on Earth, the four boys were right in the middle.

**A/N. This made me cry more than anything I've ever written. I was at work tonight and I was writing some down on paper and it took me over five minutes to write the words, "It's gone" because I kept dropping the pen, my hand was shaking so badly. My only hope was that I met your expectations. Because I couldn't write 55 chapters and have Logan die at the end. I couldn't do that. So this is officially my favorite chapter. The epilogue will be up sometime this week. I love you all and I hope you loved this chapter. Review?**


	55. Brothers

**A/N. This is the last chapter of 'Little Hollow'. I can't believe it. When I first started writing this story it was May. I had no idea that by the time I was finally done writing that it would be August and that the story would have grown to fifty-five chapters, over one-hundred and fifty thousand words, and I certainty never expected over one thousand reviews. But my mind has been blown by what it has turned in to and the response has been overwhelmingly amazing. I wish that I could properly thank all over the awesome people who have left encouraging reviews throughout the past three months. But you all deserve way more than any words could say. Thank you. And now, it's time for chapter fifty-five. I don't own anything.**

"Mitchell shoots! He scores! Team Logan and Carlos win by a score of 10-9 over Team Kendall and James! The crowd goes wild!" Carlos threw his arms up in the air and did a little victory dance before skating over to Logan to give him a high-five. "Nice shot, man!" He said gleefully. "You totally blew past them there!"

Logan's face was flushed from the cold air in the hockey rink and he returned Carlos' wide grin with one of his own. "Thanks, Carlos. That was some pretty nice. . . defense." He raised his eyebrows. "I would have never thought of throwing myself on the ice to trip an opponent like that."

"I protest that last goal." Kendall said as he joined the others. "Carlos purposefully tripped me! I think I deserve a penalty shot!" But the smile on his face told them that he wasn't serious. He shoved Carlos gently. "That was smooth, Carlos." He laughed. "You went down pretty hard."

"You did." Logan agreed. "Are you okay?" His eyes darted over Carlos searching for any sign of an injury or that Carlos could be hiding one.

"You're kidding right?" Carlos protested. "Seriously, I'm fine." He sidestepped Logan as he moved closer and backed straight up into James, nearly taking them both down.

Kendall laughed loudly, the sound filling up the empty rink. "I'm sure he's fine, Logan. But maybe we should get off the ice before someone does get hurt. Carlos is starting to get clumsy on us." He glanced up at the large clock. "Besides," He added as casually as possible. "We're supposed to be at Rocque Records in fifteen minutes." He looked up just in time to catch the reactions of his friends.

Carlos' smile never wavered a second and he gave Kendall a returning shove before he skated off for the rink door. James and Logan however grew pale simultaneously and started to panic.

"Oh my gosh, we're going to be late!" James spun around and skated after Carlos, passing the smaller boy in three long strides. "Come on, you guys!" He called over his shoulder. "We're going to be late and Gustavo is going to kill us! Today of all days!"

Logan groaned. "Kendall, we should have left twenty minutes ago if we wanted to be there on time. There's no way now. We're going to be late and Gustavo is going to be so mad. James was right. Today of all days." He shook his head and he and Kendall skated off the ice. "I should have-"

"Shut up." Kendall said, rolling his eyes. "It's not your fault that we lost track of time. It's mine. And I don't really care. We were having fun, that's all."

"We weren't supposed to be at the rink at all today." Logan reminded him. "We were supposed to be getting plenty of rest for tonight."

The four boys sat down on the bench off the ice and began unlacing their skates. "And I suppose that you and James got plenty of rest when you had your card game marathon last night?" Kendall laughed. "You guys were _supposed _to be in bed and instead you were up half the night."

Logan shrugged. "Neither of us could sleep. Right, James?" He glanced up at James who had already finished packing his gear away in his bag and was standing anxiously.

"Way too keyed up." James shook his head. He shifted his pack from one shoulder to the other and before he could stop himself, he bent to pick up Logan's bag. It was still automatic for him, for everyone, to want to help Logan.

Logan's hand brushed James away gently and he grasped the bag firmly. "I got it, James." He said firmly. Perhaps a little too firmly, with a little impatience, because James snatched his hand away quickly.

"Sorry." James muttered. His empty hand fell awkwardly to his side and he stood in front of Logan, unsure of what to do next. It had been two months since Logan told them that his cancer was gone. Two amazing, beautiful, happy months. But after a year of Logan needing them so much it was hard to get used to the fact that he was no longer so helpless. He knew that it embarrassed Logan and he wished he could make himself stop. By the sympathetic expressions on their faces, James knew that Kendall and Carlos felt the same way.

"No big deal." Logan said quickly. "Thanks, James. But I'm fine." He smiled apologetically.

Logan was fine. That was something James had to constantly remind himself of because he still couldn't get used to the fact sometimes. But it was true. It was the best thing ever. James nodded. "I know." He said, the words catching slightly in his throat. Embarrassed, he cleared his throat and turned toward the doors as soon as his friends were finished. "So let's go."

The four boys stopped by the front desk for a quick chat with Mike. "How did you guys do?" The retired hockey player asked with a gap-toothed smile that defined his career. His gaze went from Kendall to Carlos to James and finally stopped to rest on Logan. _This is how it should be._ He thought to himself. The eighteen year old was happy and healthy. His eyes were bright with the excitement of being back on the ice and the color in his face wasn't just from the quick pace or the cold of the rink.

"Logan and I owned James and Kendall!" Carlos bounced from one foot to the other, once again a ball of energy and happiness. "Didn't we, Logan?" He asked, turning to face his friend.

Logan shrugged modestly. "You could say that." He answered vaguely. "Carlos' defense was great up until the last game." He grinned. "Then he had to resort to face planting on the ice to trip Kendall."

"No way." Carlos said indignantly. "That was an accident."

"A pretty convenient accident." James murmured to Kendall.

"Aw, Logan was too fast for you guys anyway." Carlos said with a scoff. His eyes lit up and he turned back to Mike. "You should have seen him today, Mike. James and Kendall couldn't come close to catching him."

By now, Logan's face was bright red. He rubbed the back of his neck and stood awkwardly by as Carlos continued to talk to Mike about how fast he was and how he scored so many goals and on and on until Logan finally rapped the top of his friend's helmet with his hockey stick. "We're late." He whispered to Kendall, hoping that their leader would take control of the uncomfortable situation.

"We have to go." Kendall smiled apologetically, interrupting Carlos' reenactment of his convenient accident while Logan skated past James to score the final goal. "You going to be there tonight?" He asked, somewhat hopeful.

Mike smiled back and nodded. "I wouldn't miss it." He assured them. "I have to admit though, that I'm glad I have a twelve year old daughter to bring with me. She's been counting down the days until this night for three weeks now."

"I've been waiting for this night my entire life!" James said, running a hand through his helmet hair. "Has anyone seen my lucky comb?"

"It's in the side pocket on the inside of your bag." Logan said trying and failing to calm James down. "Take a breath, James."

Mike lifted a hand in a wave. "You'd better go get ready then." He said. "Have fun!"

"Thanks!" Carlos turned to return his wave and walked straight into the glass door. "I meant to do that." He told Logan who looked at him skeptically. He gave to door a push and shoved it open, holding it for his friends as they walked through. He gave Logan a wide-eyed stare of innocence when he passed by looking slightly exasperated. "I was holding it for all of you!" He let the door close with a bang as he followed the rest out into the sunlight. He had only walked three steps before he smacked right into Logan who, along with Kendall and James, had come to a sudden stop. "Sorry-"

"Gustavo!" Kendall said in surprise. "Kelly! What are you guys doing here?"

Gustavo folded his arms across is chest and returned Kendall's question with one of his own. "I think the correct question is, what are you _dogs_ doing here? Or did you forget what today is?"

"Technically," Carlos said brightly as he raised a finger in the air as if to make a point. "It's tonight."

"No." Gustavo growled. "It's today _and _tonight. Today we have plenty to get ready for tonight. You four were supposed to be at my studio ten minutes ago!"

"Not very patient today are we?" Logan asked before he could stop himself. "I mean, you should have called one of us. We were at the rink and we lost track of time."

"I did call your cell phones. And when you didn't answer I used my amazing powers of deduction to decide that you were _here _instead of _there._" Gustavo used over exaggerated hand motions as if they made more sense than the actual words.

"Where's there?" Carlos asked in confusion.

Gustavo moaned and Kelly stepped in. "Boys, why don't you hop in the back of the limo okay? We really need to get going."

"I love riding in this thing!" Carlos said enthusiastically. He threw his gear bag into the trunk and climbed in, followed closely by his friends. "The rides get sweeter every time!"

Gustavo closed the door firmly and he and Kelly walked over to the front of the vehicle and the boys were once again left to themselves. But they fell silent and stared out the window as the world rushed by. Outside everyone was going about their daily business as if it were just another day. It was just another day for most of the people out there. But not for them.

"You guys think we're ready for this?" James asked as he ran his lucky comb through his hair over and over again. He shook his head and leaned back against the comfortable leather interior. "I can't believe this is actually happening." He said with his eyes closed. "I keep thinking this is a dream."

"Not this time." Kendall told him. "This is real." A wide grin filled his whole face as it hit him. The grin was catching as soon they all looked pretty ridiculous. "Tonight we have our first real concert."

The words only heightened the excitement in the limo. After all they had been through they were about to realize their dream. Finally.

* * *

Their last minute rehearsals went surprisingly smooth in spite of the boys' increasing nerves. Only a few lyrics were forgotten and a handful of dance moves mixed up. Logan performed each back flip flawlessly and blushed furiously when his efforts earned praise from Gustavo himself. But his drive and determination had doubled over the past year, especially the last two months. His illness had put everything on hold for so long that he felt the need to make up for lost time and pick up whatever slack there was. He didn't want to let anyone down again.

"All right, dogs!" Gustavo clapped his hands together, making the boys jump. Four assistants appeared and shoved garment bags into their arms. "Get dressed now. We'll meet you out front in half an hour. Move it!"

Logan carried his bag over his shoulder and went to his dressing room. He hung the bag up with care before pulling his T-shirt over his head. He paused and stared at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were no longer dulled with the pain that he tried to keep hidden. The dark circles were gone and his face was tan from the California sun. His face was no longer sunken in like the face of a war refugee. It was whole and healthy, like the rest of him.

But Logan only stared at his face for a brief moment. Then his eyes wandered down to his bare chest where he could no longer see his ribs and his bones shoving through his skin. He brought his hand up and traced the long, jagged scar that ran along his hip bone. It wasn't terribly noticeable. But not a day went by when he didn't touch it and think of his father.

Ryan Mitchell had failed as a father. He had let his grief consume him until the distance between him and his son was far too great to ever fully cross. His return had been temporary and he had abandoned Logan once again when he needed him the most. His selfish action had nearly cost Logan his life. But in the end Ryan's death had brought Logan life. He would have died a long time ago if the car accident had never happened. It was one of those times when irony was in it's cruelest form. Usually when someone is in a car accident, people say that they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. But one could argue that Ryan Mitchell had been in the right place at the right time.

Logan disagreed. His father had hurt him, badly. But he was still his father. Logan had cried when he learned of his death. Though he had never wanted to see him again after he was officially adopted into the Knight family, he didn't want him to die. He was a part of Logan.

"Logan? You coming?"

Carlos' voice jerked Logan out of his thoughts and he jumped. "Yeah! I'll be five minutes, okay?" He listened as Carlos' footsteps faded away and then ran his finger along the scar one final time before pulling on the shirt inside the garment bag. His father was dead. But he was a part of Logan. He would take him wherever he went.

* * *

"Are you boys ready?" Mrs. Knight surveyed the four with a huge smile on her face. She stood with the rest of the parents backstage, waiting until the final minutes before they had to take their seats.

Kendall looked the most at ease. He always performed best under pressure and tonight was apparently no exception. His answering smile was a little tight but his voice was steady when he spoke. "As ready as we can be I guess." He looked over his friends.

Carlos was clearly having a good time. He had a brief attack of nerves ten minutes before where Logan and James had to pry his helmet from his fingers and give it to Kendall to hand it off to Mr. Garcia. But now, Carlos bounced around behind the curtain as he waited for the concert to start. He wore a huge grin that took over his entire face. That was answer enough.

Logan looked a little pale but Kendall knew it was just nerves. For Logan, the anticipation was always the worst. Once he stepped out onto the ice, or in this case the stage, his nerves would be gone and he would lose himself in giving one hundred percent. He nodded at Mrs. Knight's words but didn't speak.

James, of all people looked the most nervous. In fact, he looked scared to death. He twitched constantly as he looked from the parents, to his friends, to the heavy curtain that hid the screaming crowd. He jumped when Mrs. Knight spoke. "Yes." He nodded hard like he was trying to convince himself.

"Okay, parents." Gustavo greeted them with all the patience of a puppy about to go on a walk and all the politeness of. . . Gustavo. "I hate to break up the family get-together but it's almost Go Time. I need you in your seats."

Carlos, despite having the biggest family there, managed to hug his father, mother, and all five of his sisters before anyone else finished. His helmet was forgotten in his barely controlled excitement.

"We're so proud of you, James." Mrs. Diamond kissed her son. "You'll be amazing and we'll see you later on tonight, okay?"

James could only nod and flash them a smile. His stomach did a somersault when a particularly loud cry from the crowd rose above the other noises. He had waited for this moment ever since he could remember. But now he almost wanted to run and hide under his bed. He caught Logan looking at him and when the younger boy read his expression, his eyes took on a mixture of sympathy and amusement that eased James' nerves slightly.

Kendall hugged both of his parents and Katie. He was ready. He was ready for all their hard work to pay off and he was ready for Big Time Rush to be a household name overnight. He was ready for the concert tour they would take during winter break. He was ready to sign autographs and be recognized on the street. But more than anything, he was ready to perform with his best friends.

Logan waited uncertainly as his friends' parents hugged their sons. He almost laughed at James because it was ironic that the dreamer of the group looking like he was going to lose whatever was in his stomach. But he also knew exactly how James felt because as he listened to the crowd outside, his own stomach tightened in anticipation. Just then he found himself in the warm embrace of James' mother and he forgot all about being nervous. His family was there and that mattered to him more than his nerves. For so long he had always had to endure the misery of being the only child without a parent at an event. Carlos, James, and Kendall and everyone else had always had at least one parent at a hockey game or a school event. And even though Kendall's mother had adopted him, he felt like he had three sets of parents. After all those years of being without a family, that one moment made all the hurt well worth it.

The families left the boys to listen to Gustavo's final words. He looked at them and studied them closely. "Don't screw up." He finally told them before he marched away.

Kelly tried to make it better as usual. "Have fun, boys." She encouraged them. "Don't worry about him. He's really proud of you but right now I think he's more nervous than any of you."

Carlos and Kendall seemed to find her words funny because they laughed. But James wondered how Gustavo could possibly be alive if he was actually more nervous than him and Logan of course, suddenly felt even more pressure to perform well.

Then the boys were alone and they had ten minutes to prepare themselves. "How are we doing?" Kendall stepped away to look over his friends like the leader he was.

"I think I'm going to throw up." James said honestly. "I don't think if I can do this. I-"

"James!" Logan took over before Kendall could say a word. "Of course you can do this. You've waited your whole life for this moment and it's finally here. Everything will be great."

James shook his head. "You guys, I panicked when I was auditioning in front of Gustavo remember? How am I going to handle all of those people out there?"

"You didn't panic." Logan argued. "You just got a little nervous and forget the words. And you went off key. And you asked to start all over which apparently isn't the best thing to do. But James, that was two years ago. You're different. You're a performer now. You were born to do this and we're right here with you. Besides," He said with a laugh. "Gustavo hated you back then. All of those girls out there are going to love you."

His words calmed James down. He took a deep breath and smiled a little. "Yeah well," He said as he finger combed his hair one last time. "I'm going to have to break all of their hearts when I have to tell them that I'm no longer single."

"Logan!"

Logan spun around just in time to see Camille run over to him. "Camille!" He said in surprise, his arms automatically catching her as she hugged him. "What are you doing here?"

Camille grinned. "I'm here to see you of course! The other girls are saving my seat. We're right by your families. I just had to come say hi before the concert started."

"How did you get past security?" Logan asked in confusion.

Again, Camille smiled. "I'm an actress remember?"

James, Carlos, and Kendall stepped away to give the two some privacy. Their nerves had eased and they were simply waiting.

Camille took in Logan's appearance and hugged him closer to her. Her head fit neatly into the crook of his neck and she rested it there, closing her eyes. She loved holding him and not feeling like he was slipping away from her. She would never forget the day the boys had returned to Palm Woods after an unexpected trip to Logan's doctor. She would never forget their faces, the look of indescribable joy and peace in their once haunted eyes. She would never forget the way Logan took her down to the beach and held her hand the whole way. She would never forget the way he looked her in the eyes and told her that the cancer that had been threatening to take his life for so long, was gone.

Logan pulled Camille closer to him and kissed her on the top of her head. He rested his chin there and thought of how truly fortunate he was to have all the amazing people in his life that he did. He and Camille had grown closer than he ever thought possible. His cancer had connected them in a way that not many people ever experienced. They were connected also, by each having lost a parent. He had opened up to her about his mother more than he ever had before. She understood him. She knew the pain the loss of a loved one brought. She knew the nightmares that came unwelcome into a deep sleep. She knew him.

The two drew away when the crowd began to chant restlessly, demanding Big Time Rush. Logan kissed Camille again, this time on the lips, and smiled. "I love you." He whispered in her ear. "So much."

The words meant everything to her and Camille smiled too, tears brightening her eyes. "I love you too." She said, kissing him one last time on the nose. "So much. But I'd better leave. You have some songs to sing with your buddies. I'll see you after okay?" She watched him nod, then turned and hurried back to her seat before they started.

Logan watched her go and then turned back to his friends who had been trying their hardest not to stare at the couple. He didn't even blush though when he saw their amused faces. "Ready?" He asked, before anyone could say anything.

He had always struggled with accepting the fact that he had his friends. He often didn't believe that he didn't deserve to know them. Everyone else had left him. But maybe, just maybe, after all he had been through in losing his mother and ultimately his father, he deserved them.

The past year had been worth it because it had brought them only closer together. They had been broken and healed together so many times that it was only right that their strong friendship had grown even stronger. They were no longer four best friends from Minnesota. They were brothers, united by a struggle that had nearly torn them apart. They had all changed but for the better. And as they heard their name finally announced and the excited roar of the crowd, Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan, exchanged grins and then stepped out to meet their dream head on.

**A/N. So. It's over. I can't believe I'm posting the last chapter. Part of me feels relieved and accomplished to finally have this finished after over three months. But most of me wants to cry because this story was a very important part of my life for over three months and now it's over. So I have mixed emotions as I write my final author's note for 'Little Hollow'. Words cannot describe the gratitude I have for all of the amazing people who have read and reviewed this story. I can never thank you all enough for the encouraging messages and the inspirational words that were sent my way. I love you all. But all good things must come to and end. 'Little Hollow' is one of those things. Before you get too upset though, know that I have about six more ideas in my head to write. I won't tell you too much but I will tell you that the next one will be titled 'Everything in Between' and more or less is a collection of one-shots involving Logan and the other characters during 'Little Hollow'. I'm excited for it and I hope that you'll all return to me when I get it up. So, for the final time in 'Little Hollow' history. . . THANK YOU.**


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